our eden.

we have not inherited the Earth from our ancestors,

we have borrowed it from our children.

-Native American saying-

you know, this whole "go green" trend is kind of ridiculous. i mean, don't get me wrong--i have a strong desire to preserve Mother Nature & be as energy + materially efficient as possible during my short stay here on Earth. but i think the most frustrating thing is the mindset of too much good-and-plenty that American's have adopted. and it is mostly frustrating because it is just that...a trend..which means that someday it will wear off like the last pair of bell-bottoms or blue suede shoes.

it is an anomoly to me that i have become so self-centered that each week when i wheel my smelly, decomposing left overs out to the sidewalk it doesn't phase me that there is another human being that has to handle it. and yet another that has to look at it. and many many more that have to smell it. and it especially doesn't phase me that there are things in my measley bag of trash that will take decades to decompose. and in the meantime give off chemicals & protein compounds that will destory the natural flora of the soil around it. and mess up the eco system entirely.

i'll never forget an article from the Tri-City Herald i read in high school. it was about being more aware of what--and how--we dispose of our "unneeded" waste. they produced a time grid of one dump in a big city and tracked one specific dump spot back to the 1970s (remember this article was published around 2001). and after digging through layers of rotting bananas and last years 'treasured' Christmas presents from the subsequent decades, they came upon perfectly preserved trash bags. and inside those perfectly preserved trash bags were perfectly preserved fall leaves that someone had lovingly raked from their perfectly manicured yard. the point of the article, of course, was that those leaves could have...and should have ...been composted. but instead, here they sit almost 40 years later entirely untouched, full of their natural autumn color, because someone didn't have the fortitude to dig a hole in their own backyard and use natural fertilizer for their landscaping.

and that is just what gets me. plastic water bottles. individually wrapped 100 calorie packs that produce 23,458 times the amount of trash. and ziploc baggies that people throw in the trash as if they will magically disappear. because lets face it, the wonderful "lawn, sewer, and garbage" services that we all (hopefully) pay for does perform those disappearing miracles on our unneeded's each week.

i'm certainly not going to claim that i am perfect. in fact, i've got a long way to go. but there is a strong desire that continues to grow for us to live more efficiently. which, for us, means washing & reusing those ziploc baggies until they are filled with holes & no longer capable of containing foodstuffs. and opting for reusable nalgene's instead of plastic water bottles. and being as efficient as possible with the amount of trash we produce. living more efficiently also means growing more, composting more, and being more aware of the crap we are injecting into the Earth.

and this, our own microscopic Eden, is a humble (yet heartful) start.

early bird.

remember a few months ago when i was trying my best to become a morning person? remember that? well i think my life long quest is well on its way to victory. considering the fact that my husband leaps (literally, leaps) out of bed at 5am each morning, i don't have much room to brag about my morning glories....but i'm still bragging anyways.

i have to be at work each morning at 8am. which means that because i am supposed to be early each day to check on the patient we are going to see throughout the day, i actually have to be at work at 7:45...leaving the house no later than 7:30. and since i'm not much of a primper in the morning, it only takes me 35 minutes and 47 seconds to get ready--bed to door. but most morning there is that shower that i happen to fall asleep in more times than not. oops.

anyways.

i've been getting "up" at 5:30 most mornings with good intentions to work out. that hasn't happened so much. well okay, at all (with the exception of 3 mornings). and i'm sad to admit that as i keep driving through life, i am pretty sure that if i can't claim victory over my morning-ness, i won't ever work out again. its either morning or nothing.

and so THIS morning was quite a shock when i rolled over and saw 6:30 on my alarm clock. you see, i have this morning off from work (i'm supposed to be reading...oops) and don't have to show up until noon. and i woke up VOLUNTARILY with NO ALARM at 6:30 am. did you know that it is barely light by 6:30am?? i did. because i've been getting up at 5:30.

i won't tell you that i rolled over & slept until 8:30 (the hour at which my poor husband had been up for 3.5 hours). and that i am writing on here instead of reading. and that i am fully planning on working out but the Popcorn Moose Munch my mom bought me is sounding much better, even at 9am.

so yeah. early bird--that's me. and call me crazy, but i'd actually like to get up earlier. i'll have to talk to my REM cycle about that so as not to interrupt it.

i want a chicken.

so we planted a garden this year. {photos coming soon}. and our Eden consists of about 6 pots--3 of which have humanly edible materials in them (also known as food). and i kind of love it...a lot. we are anxiously awaiting the day when we get to pop a pepper off the vine & eat it. there is some sort of satisfaction in growing your own food; even though our entire harvest will likely consist of about 6 peppers, 8 tomatoes, & 4 cups of basil leaves.

but that is okay. at least we are growing something, right?

and oddly enough, this shot at growing my own green thumb has made me want just a little bit more...in the form of a chicken.

i went to the grocery store on Sunday and spent almost $10 on 4 dozen eggs. we may be over the top here, but we only buy the "cage free" eggs--guarenteed to have been plopped out by chickens who aren't stuck in cages & who aren't high on hormones. and there certainly is a difference in the consistency of the egg shell...which kind of makes me feel better.

okay i'm rambling.

anyhow, i told jon that since he eats so many eggs, we might as well purchase a chicken. and i was totally excited about it until i remembered that we live on an army post. and being that i haven't seen any farm animals here yet, i'm going to guess they aren't allowed.

we'll get a chicken someday. in the meantime, i'll just keep gazing into the eyes of my peppers.

i just can't seem to....

...spit up my words lately. i'm certainly inspired. i certainly haven't lost the desire to write. but i just can't seem to match up those times of inspiration with the time i happen to be in front of my computer.

so in the meantime, be patient.

good stuff is coming :)

stuff. {1}

I don’t think it is any secret: I LIKE STUFF. I mean, I’m trying my best not to carry on the packrat tradition in my family that was likely started by my great great grandpas uncle, twice-removed (yes, I’m pretty sure it has been in the family that long). But I’ll be honest in admitting that I do like stuff…I like having stuff. And it doesn’t even have to be brand new stuff. I still like stuff from thrift store & yard sales.




But at the same time I keep liking all this stuff, I’ve been growing a disdain for all of it for the last few months. I don’t want to be one of those old people who smell like moth balls and sit in their dining room sipping Foldgers among their newspapers from 1934 and rolled up gum wrappers they saved from their high school graduation ceremony. And I don’t want to be one of those families who has to rent a storage unit or buy a shed to store all my stuff in and ship it to the moon like I hear will happen in the future.

So I’m struggling with a bit of a conundrum. I really do like stuff….but I really do hate stuff. How is that for an oxy-moron??

And I’ve been struggling with it lately. During this week of “freedom” from my textbooks I’ve re-entered the public. (gasp!). and aside from realizing that the reason I was feeling frumpy (which explains why I was asked last week if I was a freaking 15-year-olds MOM!!!!!!!!!!) was because after two years in rural west Virginia I found joy in shopping in the clothing section at WalMart…aside from that little tidbit, I realized that there is just a lot of STUFF out there. And supporting an economy that gives half a million dollar housing loans to families who will obviously never be able to repay them (oh don’t even get me started on this housing “crisis”), supporting a market who tells me that I deserve a new car this weekend even though I already have a perfectly functional one sitting in my driveway…and buying into (literally) a world of retail that constantly tells me I’m just not good enough if I don’t have the newest and the best-est…..I’m just not convinced it is the best for my psyche, my faith, or my pocketbook.

The weirdest thing about my whole “buying” mindset is that I don’t find my motivation from dissatisfaction. I don’t look in my closet in the morning and feel like I need to buy another shirt because I don’t have anything to wear. I don’t walk into my living room and look around with disgust that I need something better or newer. Quite the contrary, actually. I’m totally satisfied with what we have. Completely okay… pleased in fact, with the contents of my closet.

So maybe it’s an underlying temptation…to be a better person all together, instead of just a better-dressed one. to have a more fulfilling life/vocation/marriage by filling it up with more stuff.

And I’m gonna work on it…..or work on resisting it, I guess.

the end.

So. I’m done. And it is a bit of a weird feeling. I’ve wandered around for the last 4 days wondering what to do with myself…learning, all over again, how to spend my time sans studying.
My test was hard. Challenging. Mind-blowingly long. And I’ve come to the conclusion that it will be by God’s grace alone that I pass. I chose to spend my study time memorizing things that didn’t make their way onto my test. And I ended up arbitrarily guessing on more questions than I’d like to remember. Not to mention all those questions out of my 400 I had to answer in the 8 hours I spent on my tooshie in an uncomfortable chair that were completely new to me…I’m pretty sure I learned a few new vocabulary words; who knew that borborygmi was the sound made by moving gas??

I realized something two days before the tests…when I was deep in my trance of studying. I hadn’t slept well, thanks to my bizarre dreams and inability to let myself relax when my head hit the pillow. And aside from the insanity plea that I considered using as an out from this whole crazy test-taking experience, I came to one conclusion:

God doesn’t care about the score of this test. He doesn’t care that I listened to 16+ hours of lecture in one week. He doesn’t care that I got 16 hours of sleep in 7 days. And He doesn’t care that I spent 8 hours being watched with 3 video cameras, surrendering my digitally-monitored finger prints every time I had to pee. He doesn’t care about all that.

What He does care about, however, is how much I TRUST Him. Which, as you very well know has been a challenge for me this year. But as I was sitting there, filling my brain with tidbits about poop & parasites & pathologies that are more rare than hermaphrodites, I was reminded, once again, that God has already accounted for all my mistakes. And I’ve got to trust that He has the best in mind for me. Because although I’d argue that sitting through that 8 hour painstakingly boring test again isn’t the best for my character (or my backside, which as grown larger during my studies), He might disagree with my measley Earthling opinion.

And I’ve got to accept that.

So, for those who don’t really believe that God is all-giving and all-good and all-knowing, the concept that have given up the score of what could be the most important test of my life to something that isn’t visible or touchable or hear-able may seem like I have, in fact, given into that insanity plea that I mentioned earlier (paranoid schizophrenia, perhaps??). But for me, I’ve got to remember that passing this test—or failing it, for that matter—isn’t the end of the world. There is an end to this world, however. And that day when I stand before my maker, I want to be able to proclaim that I TRUSTED HIM ENOUGH to realize that failing the medical board exams wasn’t the end of my Earthly life.

So we’ll see what happens. I’m supposed to get my scores back in mid-August. And being true to my usual perspective, I’m preparing myself for the worst. And anything better than the worst will be a pleasant surprise….

hiatus.

i'll be gone (i.e., not blogging/ internet searching/ facebook'g) until june 21st.

when my life will be different....

prayers are appreciated until then :)

test week (again).

so it is test week (again). i've got a clinical practical on thursday. and oddly enough, i kind of feel like an "experienced" veteran ('experienced' as in i've done this 5-times and might have an idea of what to do sort-of veteran). and aside from the test, Board studying is now in full bloom since PBL is officially over. in other words: nothing has changed.

and so, as studying goes, it has been a bit of a boring couple of days. 6 hours of class yesterday. class + lab today. (read: my butt is sore from sitting so long).

i found this little treasure on YouTube tonight. and it is, by far, one of my new favorites :)

i'll bet you can't get through it without smiling!

the great debate.

i'm excited to see this.

The Business of Being Born

it's been a quiet day here. overcast. mid-70's. the gray sky overhead and tulips in my front yard evidence that summer is on its way...that change is coming soon.

and like most other days of the week, i'm inside. away from the warmth of the sun. away from the bugs and pollen and tulips. i'm inside studying. and thinking.

but today is just a little bit different. different because homework didn't take over my morning. because the earliest i looked at the clock was 8am...and my feet finally hit the floor when the digital numbers read 9:30. it was a treat to sleep in. and today is just a little bit different because i've been thinking. thinking about this thing we call medicine. thinking about the decisions that are made around it and because of it. decisions that are made in the name of all that is good & "right" & researched; made in the name of medicine.

after my grandpa passed a couple of weeks ago, i couldn't help but admire the strength of his children (my dad & uncles & respective wives). because they chose the higher good for him. they chose selflessness. they chose the pain of losing a loved one over the comfort that my grandpa's physical presence would bring. they chose freedom from pain and suffering over the chains of hospital beds and permanent catheters. they chose what was best for him. and isn't that what love is, anyways?

i am proud of them. proud because, in my mind, they made the right decision. a decision to let my grandpa's body take over...a decision to let him die. a decision that the medical community does not necessarily encourage or endorse. because of the good and "right" and researched options that are clearly at every patients' family's fingertips. the options that include heavy narcotics and permanent catheters and the risk of infection and a life that is confined to the sterile white walls of the hopsital. forget about the consequences. forget about the side effects. forget about the risks...we have antibiotics. we have more drugs that will help with the effects of those other drugs. and really, they say, you deserve to have him around just a little bit longer.

i'll be the first to admit that sometimes--many times--medicine isn't all it is cracked up to be. those consequences? those adverse effects? those "risk free" medications? all those things that they tell you?...well, it takes 4 years of schooling to understand them. and sometimes--many times--they just tell you what you'd like to hear.

and this is one of the tradgedies of modern American healthcare. because life is more precious than that...it deserves to be lived free of the constraints of medications and catheters and sterile white hospital walls. and love is more sacred than that.....it deserves to manifest itself in selflessness and gratitude for past memories and choosing the highest good for your family member or patient or for yourself.

although jon & i are (hopefully) nowhere near ready to start expanding our family, i've been absolutely taken with the idea of midwifery. something natural. something empowering. something that generously places the control, the joy, the endocrinological high back into the womans experience of birthing. i think that in this country, we are scared. we are apprehensive. we are told to be scared about the birthing process...because, you know, it is dangerous. but we fail to remember that natural, life-giving birth has been happening for thousands of years. free from narcotics and medications and sterile white hospital walls. free from scalpels and surgical suites. and the 'experts' fail to inform us that it is a miniscule percentage of women who are truly at risk for a dangerous birth and who truly need all the intervention they so willingly push on each one of their pregnant patients.

i would love to go into obstetrics. aside from the flood of emotions i've felt at every live (hospital) birth i've attended (i could bring tissue??), i think it is one of God's greatest miracles. to bring another life into the world. to nuture and grow something so precious inside another human body. among all the medical miracles, this human miracle tops the list for me. and although obstetrics certainly does not present a family friendly schedule as a doctor, perhaps what excites me the most are the changes that could be made...the education that could take place for millions of women...and the options that could be presented that most women aren't aware of.

for the last hour and twenty four minuntes and eleven seconds, i've watched The Business of Being Born--a documentary on modern American birth practices...and the other options that exist for women. i was brought to tears. and as i sat sobbing at my computer, i realized that this....this is an experience God created for humans. this is an experience God created so that we, sinful creatures, could gain just a small taste of His majesty and life-giving creation.

obviously, i haven't been through the birthing process myself. i haven't experience the pain. or anticipation. or anxiety. or fear. and in the next few years, my opinions could change drastically. but this film has inspired something inside me i didn't know existed. it has fueled the fire to make a change to this thing we call medicine. to educate patients about what is really going on. and to not sit on the sidelines and watch thousands of American families believe the lies that their options are limited.

and my tears today were a reminder. that this really is something i'm passionate about. this really is something i'm excited and scared and anxious about.

and i could use your prayers. for guidance. and most of all, for the opportunties that i'm longing for. the opportunities to make a difference. to educate patients. and to journey into a new type of medical practice where politics or insurance or physician-opinions don't dictate intervention. a type of medical practice that gives the power back to the patient...and gives the outcome back to the Lord.

for the first time in a long time, i'm excited again.

if you have time to spare, i'd highly recommend watching the documentary. for a limited time, the full-length film is available online. take advantage of it :)

when life stops for us.

after reading Sarah's post about the mysterious Gnome appearing in front of a Mt. St Helens camera, i had to chuckle @ the unique breed of people that seem to gravitate toward the Pacific Northwest. and i guess i'd qualify as one of them... jon & i certainly are hoping to return someday. someday.

and this morning i found this little video that quite literally made my day. if nothing else, it made me smile that in such a big city with cars & smog & honking & commerce & subways & mass transit...little ducklings & their mommies are still more important than being five minutes early to that big meeting at work...or being home in time to watch a favorite tv show....or getting a head start on that project that has sat untouched for too long.

and it made me smile because i couldn't help but think that sometimes God stops traffic for us. when the road we're on is just too dangerous and the path we'd take would result in certain destruction. He'll turn on His flashing lights & risk his own life to make sure we get to the other side safely.

...if only i could be as cute as a duckling.

rounding the bend.

this is it--well, almost. only 4 more days of PBL (my learning track here @ school). hard to believe that two years has passed since i first got here. hard to believe how much has happened since i got here--and really, how much i've changed.

i'm feeling that this transition will bring new types of challenges i've yet to encounter in my life thus far. unpredictable swings of ups & downs that i can't yet begin to fathom. and i'm guessing that i'll be an entirely different person by the time this whole journey is over, i'm just hoping it is for the better.

and yet, admist these outer stressors of testing & Board-studying (or lack thereof) & mandatory medical jurisprudence classes, there is also an inner turmoil that i can't quite shake. perhaps its the internalization of the various things in my life right now that make me want to crawl back in bed some mornings. or maybe its just that i'm realizing the reality of this dream--the reality of medical school & responsiblity & doctor-hood...and how it is (& will) affect[ing] my life, my family, & my relationships.

i certainly didn't expect all of this to be easy. i didn't expect to glide through this schooling process or have a lot of time to reflect, pray, or shave my legs. but i also didn't expect to be so unsettled about this whole journey. as the days progress, i am yearning for something more. more than handing out drugs to hypertensive patients who are 57 pounds overweight and consider exercise a walk to the mailbox. something more than filling out paperwork and constantly covering my tail so the big-bad-lawyers don't come knocking at my door. and something more than putting a bandaid on the ingrown nail of a 34 year old man's pinky finger because he never learned how to groom himself properly.

it is disheartening, really. to see our country in such a state of dis-health, un-health, NON-health. disheartening for those of us who will one day be in charge of handing out "quick fixes" that cause renal failure & liver damage. disheartening for those of us who chose this profession to help people...and find ourselves less-than-satisfied with our careers because of the paperwork & insurance reimbursement (what reimbursement??) & patients who don't care to take care of themselves.

but regardless of all bad that is out there, awaiting my arrival, i'm trying to stay optimistic. i take Board exams in 52 days and have piles (literally) of material to get through. there are systems i haven't even covered yet. and microbes i don't even know exist.




and i'm not going to lose hope. God has been so faithful thus far & i know He won't give up on me now. i'll get through this. ...and look back & wonder why i was so stressed out.

i'm going to try to be my own best patient. which means eating better. working out more. getting my sleep. and taking care of myself--which i seem to have neglected lately.

little strings of hope knit together my days. its not much at times, but it's all i've got to hang on to right now.

and i'm hanging on tightly.

a love story.

i haven't had time to read. nothing other than textbooks, at least. and my devotional--which squeezes itself into my nighttime ritual right before i turn off my bedside lamp.

but oh how i love to read. to get caught up in someone else's story. the temporary escape from my life....and the journey through anothers.

and one of the blogs i just started reading has her own (PG version) of a romance novel. i started it last thursday. and finished it on friday. and am anxiously awaiting the ending to this fantastic tale of city-girl-meets-cowboy-and-life-turns-up-side-down.

because above everything else, reading it makes me want to fall in love all over again. with jon. and because i'm not exactly feeling eloquent today, i'll just use her words.

"And I knew, even then: [ that jon], not only that night but in the months to come, would prove to be my savior, my distraction, my escape in the midst of troubles, my strength in the face of upheaval, my beauty in times of terrible ugliness. He held my heart entirely in his hands, this cowboy of mine, and for the first time in my life, despite everything I’d ever believed about independence and feminism and emotional autonomy, I knew I’d be utterly incomplete without him."

thanks for loving me, jon....

i would be utterly incomplete without you.

blogs.

confession: i've been really into blogs lately. like really into them. too much into them. but unlike chocolate cake when you have too much, blogs don't give you a stomach ache or make your pants tighter. they do, however, make you feel lazy as all-get-out & like a complete waste of time.

and i've come to grips with that fact.

but i thought i'd share what i've found. mostly because these women inspire me. and give me hope in this dry & weary toothless land they call west virginia. and they give me hope that the 1950's aren't completely gone. that there are still creative children who thrive on dress-up & creative play. that there are still homespun families surviving solely on the land (& the internet). and that there is humor, albeit inappropriate at times, that can be found in virtually every life experience.

SouleMama: http://www.soulemama.com/
this woman amazes me. makes me long for a thrift store nearby--like i'd be able to find 'treasures' anyways. too bad i can't sew. and i can only knit dishrags & scarves. and i don't have children yet to make costumes for. but regardless, she inspires me...because her kids are still...kids.

Dooce.com: http://www.dooce.com/
This is the one that would be, might be, will certainly be considered wildly inappropriate at times. But the truth of that matter is that she is hilarious. it took me a few weeks to really enjoy reading about her tales, full of added drama & CAPS LOCK-ed letters & too-many-exlamation-points. She'll make you giggle. At least chuckle. Smile, maybe?

PioneerWoman: http://www.pioneerwoman.com/
There are TWO perks to this website. The first is that she has the most incredible mouth-watering, cellulite-expanding collection of recipes that i've ever seen. ALL with pictures (for those of us who don't read too good). AND her everyday blog is full of stories. Kind of like House on the Prarie, but with a modern LA-girl-meets-rugged-ness twist. And if you'd like a substitute for an amazing novel & want to fall in love with your husband all over again, read about how she fell in love with her husband here. It is an on-going love story--written in professional, publish-able novel-like form. And to be totally honest, I wasted 1.5 hours reading it last night (instead of taking an online test for Board-studying). AND I still have 12 chapters to go!! :o)

A Holy Experience: http://aholyexperience.com/
This womans writing makes me want to pray. ALL THE TIME. She finds God in the most unexpected of places. And writes in a way that rolls over your tongue like a good glass of Merlot. And my i wish i could write like that. And talk to God like that. And notice life like that.

And that is all. I've got a pocket of blogs left to share. But these are my favorites. Maybe it is because part of me wishes my life was just a little more like theirs--a little more filled with crafts & baking & recipe-making & praying...and a little less overwhelmed with school & choices & future. Or maybe it is because their creativity inspires something inside me....the need to create. The need to make something that has nothing to do with science & everything to do with art.

Whatever it is, they have all made my days just a little bit brighter.

enjoy.

not in my future.

as evidenced by this mornings experience, i am quite positive that proctology is not in my future. i mean, some people really dig sticking their fingers up other people's poop holes (haha), feeling around in there for all sorts of growths & abnormalities that the body can push out (pun entirely intended). not me.

perhaps i'm just not deep enough (oh see, now i'm starting to get funny), but i will admit that it was a bit of a traumatizing experience. probably because (a) it was a 50-something male, (b) fingers aren't meant to search in those deep dark places of other peoples...eehheemm....bodily cavities and (c) it was an assisted exam...which means that the person receiving the exam told me what to do...and worse yet, told me how it felt.

if you'd like an incredibly akward experience, i recommend one similar to what i experienced this morning.

i just hope my faulty-pocker-face stayed in bed.

in other news, this is day TWO of success in my quest to become a morning person. which, as i take it, is a sure-fire-sign that i am getting older. those teenage hormones aren't quite as ramped up...and my melatonin isn't making me a robotic-sleeps-in-until-1pm-person anymore--at least not all the time. and now (in my old[er] age), i long to wake up with the sun. have a quiet morning over Hazelnut drink mix (with caffeine!) & oatmeal. and just be. there aren't many other times in the day that just being is possible. especially when i lay in bed for two hours at night thinking about my grocery list or my to-do list or the floors that need to be swept or the future....at which time sheer panic enters my darkened room & hours (literally!) pass before i enter my first REM cycle.

so this quest of waking up with the sun has been a goal of mine for a few months now. and i've failed miserably thus far. but THIS WEEK...just might be the beginning of something new. yesterday i got up at 6:55. today it was 6:45. and heck, that is progress, don't you think? i mean, TEN WHOLE MINUTES....!!!!

i've been thinking about starting a goal of going on a quick run in the morning (ahh...another one of my life-long goals: to become a runner...isn't happening now). or take a jaunt to the gym & study on the elliptical until i'm sweaty & smelly & have burned my 500 calories (my pants are getting tight, okay??!!).

but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

on the other hand, this morning-person-ness is really taking a toll on my body. my left eyelid has been twitching non-stop since yesterday morning. and although i will admit that i am stressed out & emotionally drained & WalMart-ed out & ready to move to NC for the summer & not enjoying learning or studying or school right now, i didn't think my eye-twitching had anything to do with it.

turns out i was wrong. apparently it is a sign of fatigue.

dang it!

i guess this morning-person stuff isn't working in my favor. perhaps rising with the sun isn't in my future either...along with proctology.

my new life goal. aside from trudging the swamps of busy-ness. aside from the chaos of daily living. aside from the battle-cries that emanate from my struggling heart.

a prayer. (click on the link...& be inspired to live just a little bit better today)

to pray. to speak. to live. to become.

::good::

God is good :)

i'm always amazed at my level of doubt, hestitation, & delinquency. and i am a bit embarassed to admit that my faith has been less that stellar lately--i certainly would not get a gold star on my report card.

this journey, this battle, this life brings its fair share of challenges. but God continues to make Himself known to me. continues to show His face. continues to burrow His way into my buried heart & shine the light of conviction into my darkened soul. and God continues to answer prayers.

i got my schedule for next year. and God is good. vacation when i wanted it. home with jon around deployment. and potential...for years to come.

paul's words as he wrote to the Phillipians come to mind. for those are the words that God speaks to us:

"My dear, dear friends! I love you so much. I do want the very best for you. You make me feel such joy, fill me with such pride. Don't waver. Stay on track, steady in God." -Phill. 4:1

He does want the best for us. i too often forget that. and somehow twist my thinking into forgetting His sacrifice. he does love us...so much. and somehow i let the worry & anxiety about the future cloud the message of the Cross. and when we trust Him, he does fill with pride. and yet, somehow, my little life seems too big for the Creator of the Universe to handle.

certainly not the case.

thanks for the reminder. that YOU are in control. that YOU are all-powerful, all-loving, and all-giving. thanks for the reminder that YOU have my very best in mind...our very best in mind. and that for YOU, nothing is too great or too difficult for grace.

the circle of life.

its an odd feeling, really. to have the Circle of Life playing in my head. and elton john's voice that hasn't left my side today.

odd because i feel like this really is the Circle of Life. new births. new experiences. marriage. love. and...death. and i feel that up until this point, my life has been full of "normal" growing up experiences. but now...now that my grandparents have almost all passed away..i'm realizing that this whole growing up thing is coming to an end. and the time is fast-approaching where i am going to have to be the grown-up. weird.

my grandpa died tonight. after a long battle with Alzheimers. and colon dysmotility. he passed peacefully. surrounded by family. full of medication to dull the pain. and even though i kind of wish i had a medication to dull the little bit of pain i'm feeling tonight too, i realize that it is a good pain. a good pain because this means that life is moving on. that i am growing up. and that God's Earth keeps on spinning. a good pain because another death serves as a reminder that this is life. that i am alive, breathing, living...and that my days are full of opportunity.

too often i take them for granted--my days, i mean. too often i sleep them away. or let negativity take over my soul. and too often i forget the command that God has given us as our single, solitary, sole purpose here on Earth. and too often i fail to recognize that my life does have purpose, and is written by the Master Planner Himself. my days are numbered. my life, here on Earth, won't last forever.

so it is a good pain i'm feeling tonight. at the loss of my grandpa. at the birth of a new soul into heaven--and most of all, at the reunion of love between him & his fabulous wife of what would have been 50-something years. and you know, that says a lot. a lot about him. a lot about his character. and it especially says a lot about the Love that God has given us to experience here on Earth.

i'm inspired by it. enthralled with it. and hoping that jon & i will carry on the tradition left by my grandparents...and his grandparents. the tradition of love. that knows no end. that sees no other option but to continue. and love, that draws inspiration from the ultimate Lover.

and i can only hope that when the time comes to say goodbye to yet another generation (i guess that would be the time when i am considered "old" & all grown up), that i, too, will be able to make a selfless decision to let God's timing take control. without medical intervention of uneeded preservation. without pharmacological concoctions to dull pain & activate respiration & suppress the body's natural response to death. i can only hope that i'll be as strong as my parents. and love & care about them enough to just let them go.

but in the meantime, i'm going to enjoy life. i'm going to enjoy my experiences, my days, and my opportunities. and most of all, i'm going to enjoy the love & grace & purpose that God has poured into my life. because it is times that these...of grief, and mourning and celebration of life...times like these that make me grateful for breath.

thanks for the inspiration, Grandpa. thanks for the lessons of love. the summers spent on your sailboat learning how to steer & how to read the wind. thanks for the trips to Orcas Island. and the bike rides you enjoyed so much. for the summers i spent day dreaming in the pool & under the willow tree on the tree swing Uncle Todd built. thanks for the optimism you continued to show, despite your failing memory & challenges of health. and most of all, thanks for the legacy you left. for the family values you sewed. and for the faith whose seeds were found in your every-Sunday-church-going.

we certainly won't forget you.

oh...and say hello to Grandma. i miss her too.

i'm over it.

so really, i'm over it all. school. studying. the excitement of becoming a "doctor"--like it was something special in the first place. i'm just over it. ready to be done. not even with studying...not even with boards (although those too fit in the category of "will be beyond elated when over")...just with this whole situation. i'm getting tired of it. no, in fact. i'm already tired of it. and we've still got a long way yet to go.

i think my original perception of what this journey would be like was pretty accurate. i thought it'd be hard--nobody expects this sort of school (where you learn to be in charge of other people's LIVES) to be easy. i mean, who knew there were like 32 bones in the human ear. God, you got WAYYY to detailed on that creation--tone it down a little, dude.

what i certainly didn't expect, though, was to be so disheartened from the experiences of others in this profession. i know that i want to be there for my family. i know that i want to be available to our kids--whenever they may decide to show up on our doorstep (that is how it works, right??). and i know i want to the best wife i can be. but from the remarks of so many other women professionals, IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE to have both. and that makes me sad. sad because i was told in the beginning that it was possible--although i've had to adapt to the fact that i won't be able to give my 200% to both...which has become okay with me. sad because this field that seems so "portable" & "family oriented" really truly is those things...for the patients. and sad because i feel like the magic of this entire adventure has been widdled away to a pathetic little ember whose light doesn't seem likely to last the next two years until graduation.

so the truth? i'm just over it. i'm ready to be done. ready to move on. ready to move in with my husband. ready to be available to HIM before my own selfish ambitions of career & world-betterment. ready to shovel away this pile of debt & textbooks & brain space & bury it in the grand canyon.

maybe these feelings are normal. some statistic spouted out last week that something like 72% of med students are actually clincally depressed at some point in their education was probably true. and the reality is that it is laughed at, accepted as "the way med school goes"...and left between the highlighted pages of our psychiatry textbooks.

but then again, maybe these feelings aren't normal. i'm supposed to be ("supposed" to--as in, that is what the world is telling me) enjoying this time of my life...of my marriage...of my friendships.

and yet here i sit. in hick-town, USA. freshly returned from a shopping spree at walmart where i bought all that i needed--a new toothbrush & a vanilla candle. my husband is 360 miles away. i've got a stack of notecards taller than my head to get through by tomorrow night. and boards coming in something like 68 days (but who's counting, right?).

and i'm totally, completely, entirely over it.

vent over. i needed that.

there are days.

there are days that it seems life is just too much to handle. too many decisions to be made. too much on my plate. there are days that i'd much rather stay in bed all day, sipping chai & reading a real book. one where i can get wrapped up in the pages and transport myself to the world the author has painted with his words. there are days when it seems like the future is just too big, too scary, and too aversive to even try to keep on going...when the truth i'd much rather curl up next to my husband and let time pass us by. and there are days when it takes all the strength i can muster to just get through it without a good cry & a friendly box of kleenex.

today is one of those days.

life is overwhelming. the future is daunting & entirely uncertain. i'm already sick with worry. i could go for a good cry & a better hug. my study stack doesn't shrink....ever. and i'm not sure that my decision to be here...to do this...was the right one in the first place.

but tomorrow is another day. and i can only hope that it will be better than today.

worry.

there is something inside me that draws me toward certain things. like an intrinsic gravitational force that i'm unable to overcome at times--well, okay all the time. some days, i'm humble enough to consider the things i'm drawn to as temptations. but other times, like today, they manifest themselves in things much more fierce...and much less holy.

i'm a worrier. by nature. i didn't choose to be one. and i'd shed that trait of mine faster than i shed skin cells if i could. but try as i might, it just won't go away. i've taken quite a transformation in my own perspective of it. at first i embraced it, thinking that it was entirely normal that people worry about such things as bugs crawling in their windows & finding foreign fingernails on the ground. normal that people worry about how the $12 just spent at the grocery store could have been used in 27.5 years from now or how each and every decision made--no matter how small--just might not be the right one.

after embracing my worrisome nature, i found that my welcoming it into my world had caused it to settle in the saddlebags & arm flab of my body. NOT OKAY WITH ME. so naturally, i went into denial. tried to push that worry far far far back into my brain. tried to think about pineapple & Maui & cute fuzzy bunnies instead of thinking about worry. but that didn't work. mostly because i started worrying about those cute fuzzy bunnies.

so now, my only choice is to recognize this built-in tendency of mine as my temptation. and as i've struggled with this, i've been supported by my incredible husband who has helped me recognize that by worrying more, i'm letting God lead my life less. my worry about that $12 of grocery money is pushing God's provision in 27.5 years out of the picture entirely. my worry about my ever-growing student loans is denying the Divine ability of God's plan to abolish them quickly & completely by providing a more-than-ideal job opportunity. and my overwhelming worry about whether being here in school, choosing this path in life was the right decision is outright denying the fact that God practially pushed me through the door He opened for me here.

i think that this battle with worry is really a hidden lesson in TRUST. trusting God. trusting jon. trusting myself. and although each day i tend to take two steps forward and one step back, i do feel like i'm making progress--even if it is only measured in fairy footsteps.

worry doesn't belong in the hearts of believers. there is a time & place for everything, though. and my hope is that 27.5 years from now, i'll look back & realize that God has made this measly worry-wart a beautiful, new creation...and that the $12 at the grocery store today was money well-spent.

There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift. I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.

Whatever was, is.

Whatever will be, is.

That's how it always is with God.

{Ephesians 3}

signs of test week.

i haven't moved the laundry off my bed since last monday (yes, 7 days). i haven't done my dishes in 5 days & finally resorted to using plastic utensils & eating out of tupperware containers because all my 'real' dishes were dirty. this growing stack of notecards seems to be...well, growing. i'm only through about 1/4 of it. and i only have 72 hours left. (ahh!). and my trusty pen collection; every assorted color--all very well used this week taking notes.

yup. it is test week. dirty laundry. dirty dishes. notecards strewn about & constantly at my side. they come to bed with me, sit on the eliptical at the gym, join me in brushing my teeth...& i even fancied a way to study in the shower :) (i'd like to hug the inventor of Ziploc baggies).

in short: time is precious. pathetically precious during these weeks. every action has to be justified. and yet here it is. tuesday morning, almost 1am. i'm exhausted--but can't seem to let myself fall asleep. i saw 2:30am on the clock yesterday morning...not voluntarily, either. my brain just won't shut off. i keep going over mechanisms in my head--and subsequently confusing myself on everything i seemed to have learned the prior day.

and i feel behind. SO SO SO behind. i didn't get through my to-do list today. and when it is test week, my to-do list is gold.

but i'm oddly confident. (or perhaps i'm beyond the point of caring). confident that this too, shall pass. and confident that in a little more than 72 hours, this will all be behind me.

one 5 hour exam lies between me and....sweet, glorious sleep.

a day made better.

“God never places us in any position in which we can not grow. We may fancy that He does.

We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing;

but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward.

Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure,

we are making the best kind of progress.” --Elizabeth Prentiss

so the truth is that for the last 4 days, i've been hit with a selfish stick. in my mind, i'll sheepishly admit that my thoughts & life & complaints & actions have been all about me. and for as totally awesome as it is to go around thinking that i have it pretty bad & loathe in self-pity, i think my brain would have imploded if it continued much longer.

the turning point was tonight...when i filled my stomach with quite possibly one of the THE MOST AMAZING things i have ever tasted. yes, that's right. i discovered Yoplait Whipped Chocolate Raspberry yogurt. it is like heaven on a spoon. and, i dare say, it might be better than ice cream. {and if you know me, that last statement should have been a jaw-dropper}

so after my life-altering savory eating experience that sent me to the high-heavens & back again, i realized that i have SO MUCH to be thankful for. i had to perform a head-to-toe physical today on someone from the community (who had great tympanic membranes, by the way...perhaps the best i've ever seen). and when i walked in the room & was greated by a warm smile, i realized how much i've learned in the past 16 months. and how fast it has gone by. and really, how much i've changed.

there are so many days where the monotony of studying gets the best of me. and i complain. i complain to myself. and to jon. and to God--who, by the way, put me here in the first place. and i SO EASILY get overwhelmed. one small thing, seemingly harmless, will set off a spell of "freak outs" that lasts for days. and like a smelly pile of laundry, the things i'm overwhelmed about pile up. they amplify themselves (perhaps like TAG repeat sequences on chromosome 9 in Huntington's disease?) until i just can't handle it anymore. and i break down.

the break down, by the way, doesn't meet DSM-IV criteria for admission to a psychiatric ward (although that is debatble some days)...i just cry. and like a typical female, think of all the possible things in the WORLD that could go wrong in my life. and i cry about those too.

but EVERY TIME, God finds me. He meets me where i'm at (which, tonight was with Whipped Chocolate Raspberry yogurt in hand). and EVERY TIME he reminds me that it was HIM that put me here in the first place. he PROMISED me he'd get me through this--get us through this.

and i remembered today that He has. and He will.

i know i'll look back on this experience with harshly fond memories (oxy-moron intended). many days this whole situation makes me feel less than "normal"--almost alienated from the rest of the world that keeps spinning around me. apart from my husband. away from family. nose in a book all day long. disconnected. and on those days i don't feel like i'm growing.

but the reality is that we never stop growing. sometimes when we aren't growing up, we are growing downward...sinking our roots deeper & deeper into the soil God has placed us on. and you know, in my opinion roots are the most important part.

weary.

i'll be honest. there are days when i'm doubtful. doubtful that God is with me, that He is alive & present & constantly changing, molding the world that surrounds me. doubtful that He wants me, that He loves me as much as people tell me he does. and yes, even some days doubtful of His existence at all.

its been a struggle lately. to remain faithful. and hopeful. and grateful. for the opportunties i've been given & the people strategically placed in my life. i've reached a point of complacency, indifference almost. as if the functioning world of joy and tradgedy and commuting, the world of twiddled bird songs and blooming buds and chocolate brownies has become nothing less than a distant memory. as if i'm not part of it at all.

its been a struggle to maintain my active faith...the one that grows me and touches me, the one that inspires me and gives me hope; i've had an arm-wrestling match with my mentality--daily challenged by the shallow depths of science & the deep surface of the human psyche.

but most of all, i've struggled with my PURPOSE. i swear i had one when i got here. i swear that 16 months ago i was full of fire for this "calling" & full of vigor for this task. my heart has changed--there is no denying that. the sacrifices that i was once willing to make--or at least ignore until i had to face them--aren't on my list to give up anymore.

but amidst it all, i'm comforted. because God speaks in amazing ways--most completely unexpected.

and i remember that there IS balance. and wholeness. and joyful satisfaction within this profession--within the hearts of women in this profession. there IS a future that doesn't force me to make those off-the-list sacrifices. and i'm confident that there WILL BE a time when i'll be more connected to the twidders & buds & brownies.

but in the meantime. in the meantime when i'm still disconnected, i'll remember to:

... not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.
-Galations 6:9, The Message

because God is listening to my heart. He is alive and active, molding and changing me--and the world that passes me by.

and He's been known to answer prayers.

disconnect.

to be honest, i'm in a bad mood.

i'm feeling a bit of disconnect lately. as if satan has unplugged my internal phone line that permits connection with the world around me.

maybe it is guilt. or maybe it is the overwhelmed feeling that seems to plague me each day as the books grow more "read here" tabs & the stacks of notes shoot themselves toward the heavens. perhaps it is that nasty feeling if discontentment that sneaks up on me like the boogy-man...& is probably the same amount of scary.

it's not that i'm not happy. oh, i am. even school these days is finally starting the synthesize. i had my first "real supervisor-free" patient a couple of days ago. i walked into the room & felt like i knew what to do--cardiovascular exam, respiratory, DTR's, cranial nerve evaluation, etc. and the truth is that it felt good. good to know that all the zero's that are after the $$$ attached to my name actually mean something.

and jon & i are happy--at least i am :) (i'd hope he would agree). don't get me wrong, i find myself often frustated with our situation & only seeing him twice each month. but he patiently reminds me that we chose this...and that God will get us through it.

and, for the most part, my life is pretty simple. and pretty happy...i guess.

but there is some inner turmoil lately. and it is stirring, rumbling, waiting to come to the surface. i know it. i can feel it. but i can't quite pinpoint it. like a volcano before it ruptures--a bit of seismic activity that even scientists can't pinpoint when or where the earth above the lava will finally break away.

it will happen--the explosion, i mean. except in the context of my life, i'm not expecting quite the spectacular display of colors & heat that volcanoes generate. but it will happen. and in the meantime, i'll just be waiting.

i get it.

i get it now. i finally understand what they've been talking about for so long. and no matter how great the spoken lesson, it was one i had to experience, to feel, before i really, truly could grasp the ginormity of its importance.

i get it now. it all makes sense. the many years of feeling alienated. the many weekends spent alone. and the many, many struggles that God helped me face alone. i get that He wanted me to grow. to learn to depend on Him.

because He knew i would have to later.

and the things they've been telling us? the things about learning how to be fully & totally comfortable with yourself before you move on to being comfortable with someone else; learning how to love God with ALL your heart & soul & mind & strength--not just the part that isn't loving your spouse or family or friends, but loving Him with ALL that you have; learning how to put aside your own desires for those of Someone better & bigger & wiser than you'll ever be. i get it now.

because life is too big to deal with on my own.

and humanity isn't strong enough to conquer & quell the fears & frustrations & faults that have built up inside of me.

i get it. i need God.

and He needs me to give Him ALL i've got.

the other half of me.

God brings death and God brings life,

brings down to the grave and raises up.

God brings poverty and God brings wealth;

he lowers, he also lifts up.

He puts poor people on their feet again;

he rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope,

Restoring dignity and respect to their lives—

a place in the sun!

For the very structures of earth are God's;

he has laid out his operations on a firm foundation.

He protectively cares for his faithful friends, step by step,

but leaves the wicked to stumble in the dark.

No one makes it in this life by sheer muscle!

God's enemies will be blasted out of the sky,

crashed in a heap and burned.

God will set things right all over the earth,

he'll give strength to his king,

he'll set his anointed on top of the world!

-1 Samuel 2:6-10

i'm feeling today. feeling that i miss him. feeling that this year has gone by so fast--and so slow. feeling that life is short, i am human, and love is deep. i'm feeling today that the future is uncertain; but that is how it is supposed to be. feeling frustrated with myself & a bit discouraged about my situation.

but i'm feeling something else, too.

i'm feeling God working. finally. as if He had stopped for a coffee break. i'm counting my blessings, instead of paying more attention to my have-nots. and i'm ever-so-slowly working on trusting.

so today i'm feeling. so many things. love. life. breath. cold. uncertainty. frustration. admiration. distraction.

and hope.

help.

i need help today. remembering why i am here, 5 hours away from my husband. i need help remembering why i came here in the first place, signing up for who-knows-how-many-years apart. and i need help knowing that we made the right choice in the first place...and really, that everything is going to be okay.

because it is days like these that drag on. that make it seem like decades from now that we might, possibly live together. eons into the future that the globe might align to make us at least next door neighbors...and centuries until we just see each other again.

i know that some people are much worse-off. i know that there are women who haven't seen their husbands in 15 months, or more. and i am lucky. i do know that much.

but it still doesn't help with the feelings. given, it makes it just a little harder to feel sorry for myself. God wacks me upside the head with a humble stick when he floods my brain with those stories of years apart during WWII. and i can't sulk in my own misery.

my humanity wants to know. that the future will work out. that we will be okay--that we'll at least live together sooner than later. and that this crazy decision (that on days like today i am tempted to regret) was the right one.

i guess that is where i have to learn to TRUST.
and that is the part i'm having trouble with.

wasting time.

so i'll admit it: i've wasted the last 1.5 hours (of which i was supposed to be testing & studying) just doing nothing. and i'll also admit that doing nothing, except eating popcorn and surfing the web is perhaps the most glorious thing i've done all week.

i mean, don't get me wrong, cleaning the bathroom and doing my dishes is almost as fun as a trip to the moon, but this popcorn & internet thing could seriously become a habit....and not a good one, at that.

i've been almost obsessed lately with projects. probably for the sole reason that i don't have much time to do anything other than study & sleep (the latter of which i'm lucky to get). i spend all my days with my nose (or face, if i happen to fall asleep) in a book. and then go to the gym to debrief. nothing like lifting weights to the sweet sound of pathologies running through my head. :)

but this fascination i've had lately with creativity probably won't come to any sort of substantial or tangible thing for oh, the next 5 years while i finish up my training. i mean, who knows, maybe the hospital will hire me to scrapbook about their crisp linens (free of blood stains!) and mint-green stairwells. and maybe they'll even offer to pay back all my loans if i scrapbook the stairwells well enough.

wishful thinking.

in the meantime, though, i'll just continue to drool. on my books when i fall asleep in them. and at the days of the women whose lives are filled with creative portals of paper and fabric and scissors and glue.

someday i'll get bitten by the creative bug again. but until then, i'll just keep scratching at that invisible itch.....

unfolding.

it is odd, really. the way life unfolds sometimes. the way we are completely out of control--although more often than not i pretend that i am. because like most, control is a good thing for me. control of my life, my days, my decisions. but then God throws curve balls. maybe just to remind me that He is in control. maybe to make me trust Him more (the thing about my faith i struggle with the most). or maybe to tell me to just let go.

we all have to let go at some point. with that innate fear that when we loosen that white-knuckled grip on whatever it is we are holding, it might not return to us. and the truth is that we all hold onto different things. relationships. money. scheduling. materialism. respect. security. things that, for the most part, are entirely temporary--they won't last beyond this life, much less into the next century. and because they are temporary we've got to move beyond them at some point.

but moving on is hard. and there is a delicate balance that hangs between the stages of hanging on & letting go; a teetering scale that sways to the left with each bit of sacrifice and back to the right with every ounce of selfishness. and if it goes on long enough, the swaying might drive you crazy--crazy enough to just give it all up & take it all back--whatever it was you were letting go.

there is a lot going on here. not in the physical world i live in...but most certainly in my mental candy land. lots of thoughts. lots of "what if's". and lots of questions.

timing for the future will certainly need to be hand crafted by God himself. i don't think the world is civil enough to align the stars & calendars in our favor. and to be frank, i'm a bit (okay, a lot) worried about it. the great sundial, as it looks right now, is one big shadow. and although i know nothing can or will be perfect, i'm just praying that i'll be strong enough to let go & let God.

because this isn't the way i would have planned it. and the way it is planned now is actually the situation i thought God would never dump in our laps--just because it would be too funny of Him to torture us with yet another year (or 3) apart. but alas, He is a funny, funny God.

and so all i can do is trust. which seems like the hardest thing to do right now. but like Houdini, my hands are tied behind my back. and life is getting ready to dunk me in that water tank.

and i've got to trust that God has the key to my straightjacket.

dear jon.

so i'm just sitting here. just finished my lectures for tomorrow. my butt hurts--i've been sitting on it all day.

i'm listening to a great mix of songs online (on someone's blog). { "dream" by priscilla ann } and i was just thinking about you. the song is about a "dream" (go-figure, huh??). and the girl in the song is ready to die...essentially. kind of morbid, i know. but it made me think about how amazingly COOL marriage is.

the fact that we get to be best friends. AND live togther (someday). AND just experience life together.

i think about your parents...and in their almost-30-years of marriage just how much they have been through together. and that is JUST SO COOL.

and i'm excited to experience life with you. God's got great things planned--I know He does.

things that we could not even dare to dream.

and joys we haven't been prepared yet to experience.

but that is just the point...the "experience".

and i'm SO LUCKY to do life with you.

LOVE YOU.

~ me :)

dear bathroom designers...

dear bathroom designers...

i am writing to you to plead my case. and actually, i'm wondering if your logic was somehow misplaced when you designed the bathrooms at my school. you see, THEY LACK VENTILATION. there are many things i enjoy about using the facilities that you so time-consumingly designed: the graffitti-free stalls, the calming minty green color (the minty part of which in no way reflects on the smell of the area), and the coordinating sinks & toilets (was it hard to find those fine white thrones??). but i must say, that YOU WERE OBVIOUSLY ON DRUGS when you finalized the bathroom ventilation system because, oh...there ISN'T ONE.

you know, the truth is that i usually only use public bathrooms in dire, i-might-die-if-i-don't-pee-now-situations. but i do know quite a few--judging by the smell--that feel comfortable to dump last nights (or last weeks, depending on their fiber intake) dinner in your diamond white porcelin thrones. and while the bathrooms sleek & stylish facade look clean, that is exactly what it is....a facade. because judging by the potency of the smell (which is often noticable outside the bathroom door), there are E.coli & salmonella particles floating around and up my nostrils when i just happen to use the potty in urgency.

so please, for the sake of sanity, sanitary-ity, and BASIC PLEASURE...install bathroom FANS in the next set of school bathrooms you design.

thank you--from my nostrils....to my....nostrils.

Yours Truely,

The Nose

guilt.

day 2 of updating about my seemingly-boring life.

daily news.
1. killed 1 giant, hairy, spotted spider today.
2. caught up on the latest epidsode of House, M.D. thanks to Fox's fantastic video strems (honestly, what WOULD i do without the internet??)
3. studied for 6 hours this afternoon. yes, on a friday night. [this is my life].
4. learned that i might want to go into psychiatry.
5. went grocery shopping which is like one of my least favorite things to do on the planet. i should be good until january. i try to only go once a month--task completed successfully (& i even brought my own bags in order to save the dying species of plastic trees).
6. wore a new shirt today.
7. no other news to report at this time.

other than having this horribly annoying tickle in the back of my throat that has made me cough as if i had a hairball...and despite my boring studying....this has actually been quite a pleasant night.

i listened to 2 sermon's from Liquid Church and am now feeling extremely guilty about the way i've been using my resources. honestly? its kind of been torture living here. i mean, don't get me wrong, i couldn't have asked for a better place to go to school: minimal activites, few distractions, freeze-my-butt-off-winters that keep me inside studying, and many other markable things about the town that people seem to have fallen in love with. but me? well....i guess i'm finding that at this point in my life i need something to do. i need a freaking BRAIN BREAK every once in awhile...which usually means getting out in public, people watching, window shopping, starbucks-going, etc. here i don't have that option. and no, i will NOT pay $6 for a 12-oz latte at the coffee shop down the street.

so, to make up for the lack of stimulatory activites there are here, i've found myself spending more time on the internet, more time just wasting time, and less time in my spiritual life, reading a book for fun, or even writing quick how-are-you-notes to friends & family. in other words, i feel like i've become less personable and just a bit more addicted to the temptations this culture feeds me.

did you know that we encounter over 3000 advertisements each day?

and what do they tell us?? that we shouldn't be satisfied...that we NEED MORE STUFF. and i sit here tonight completely guilty as charged. i've felt that temptation this year stronger than ever before. like what i have isn't good enough, trendy enough, or flattering enough. and yes, it mostly has to do with clothes--they have always been my weak spot. but with all my time-wasting-activites, i've developed tastes for other things...like craft projects and home decor (thank you Pottery Barn) and baking and...and....and...and.

the truth is that sometimes i go to bed at night thinking about how life will be so great after med school loans are paid off. because then i can GET ALL THIS STUFF.

insert God's sneaky voice: YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU.

and oh my heck is that the truth. the sermon tonight made that crystal clear. i mean seriously...what am i doing--what have i been doing--to better Christ's kingdom? reading blogs? checking out ebay auctions? give me a break.

so tonight i'm starting a challenge. going to challenge myself to abstain. from buying into the cultural lie that i NEED these things to appear successful, to look better, to whatever. because the truth is that you can't take it with you. and i'm saddened to report that at age 23, thousands of dollars have already flown through my world (don't ask me how i know that or i might have to shoot you). that is a heckuva lot of money.

money that fueled the fire of consumerism. money that i used to buy stuff (well, lots of food...and gas to see jon...and wedding stuff this last summer...and school books...but definitely unneeded stuff too). stuff that i can't take with me should i leave the earth tomorrow. its about darn time i invest myself in something that will last beyond this world.

you know exactly what i'm talking about.

a new trend.

so i've noticed (& personally wondered) why the heck i can't make myself sit down & write every day. i mean, if i'm really honest with myself, i'll admit that i waste far too much time searching for stupid stuff on the internet. or standing in front on my cupboard craving something that i conveniently forgot to get at the grocery store. or counting the squished spiders on my wall. i mean, seriously, you'd think that i would welcome this brain break called writing every day...at least as a way to document the insanity/ stress/ want-to-hibernate-for-the-next-7-months feelings that flow through my gray matter every day.

but the thing is, i feel like i have nothing to write about.

i could bore you with stories of the attack spiders in my bathroom. or the "west virginia culture" i am currently experiencing via trips to walmart (obviously the only place to truly experience this heckuva unique culture). i could even tell you about the 4 boxes of kleenex i've managed to blow through (haha...pun totally intended) this week because of my sinus infection. or enlighten you with lists of the many lists i keep making & losing & making again.

but today...just to suffice this need i have to write, i'll tell you about the oh-so-exciting ongoings of my day.

woke up (good first step). later than expected.
didn't roll by bedhead off the pillow until 8:20. which, if you'd like to know is approximately 4
hours after my husband had to get up today. (if that doesn't make me feel lazy...)

headed to a study session @ 10am. i will never understand why God invented biochemisty. it truly is a waste of my time. i mean, i can kind of see how learning all about this ONE ENZYME might better the world as we know it, given the fact that someday i might possibly run across that one child in 3 million that has a deficiency...but SERIOUSLY!!!! i have other stuff i have to shove in my brain. biochem is NOT WELCOME TO TAKE UP SPACE.

then we had this absolutely ridiculous presentation about a rural rotation we have to do next year. as if we don't already have enough to think about (like biochem, for example). they jabbered on for an hour about the west virginia culture and rural areas and just how great they were because they didn't have things like malls and fast food and "All that corruption". okay. i made up the part about corruption. but they told us things we already knew. and didn't tell us things that i considered important. which left me thoroughly confused. and looking like a nasally-voiced idiot trying to talk to my site coordinator afterwards. i asked her if i had to live in a cabin in the mountains.

i think i offended the west virginia culture in her. oops.

good thing i'm not planning on living here longer than i have to.

(and God, please don't change those plans just to be funny & show me that you are in control).

bad day.

i don't have many days like this. not many at all. but today, this week, right now, I'd like to crawl into hibernation & not emerge until the end of June. my world has been knocked off its axis. my mind won't stop racing with all i have to do and the lack of time i have to do it in. and, in short, i'm stressed out beyond belief.

school sucks. for anyone who is thinking of going into med school...DON'T. at least don't consider it this week. there is just not enough time in the 24 hour day. my days are packed. not packed in the commuter sense--i'm not spending 2 hours in the car each day or running place-to-place in order to get things done. no, my days are spent sitting. trying to absorb as much as i possibly can from the material that surrounds me and hangs over my head like an annoying ghost that i can't quite seem to scare off. i sleep. i wake up. i sit. i go to class...and sit. i study...and sit. and then i sleep. and if i try to deviate from that oh-so-active schedule of sitting, my entire week gets thrown off-kilter and i begin to question why i started all this sitting in the first place.

i'm tired. SO SO so tired. and i can't fit in one more activity, one more book to read or assignment to complete. i can't fit in time at the gym. and i often can't even find time to make a decent meal...so i usually end up eating cereal or apples or soup that i froze when my life wasn't so insane.

the most important test of my life to-date is 7 months away. i'm avoiding thinking about it. i'm unmotivated to study for it. i want a normal life. i want to be able to enjoy my days...to get up in the morning in the same house as my husband. i want to be able to sit down to dinner at night and look back on my day without building frustrations. and gosh darnit i want to do something other that sit.

you might say that this week, at this moment, i'm regretting being here. i'm regretting this insane choice to come here. i'm regretting the fact that this whole 'medicine' thing isn't what i thought it would be--at least not right now. and i'm angry about the concept that "my reward" (whatever that means) won't come for 20 years.

in short, i just want to be normal--a normal person with a normal life...that has nothing to do with school and studying and sitting.

which is exactly why i'm planning on hibernating for the rest of the winter.