Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
you know, i will admit that i am one lucky enough to not have much trouble sleeping. sure, i've had my fair share of nights where neither sheep nor happy thoughts lull me towards dreamland, but those nights are typically few and far between.
but lately that has been every night. i haven't slept well for a couple weeks now. and quite frankly, it is a little annoying, you know? i get all cozy in my bed--complete with 2 sweatshirts, flannel pants, my fleece sleeping hat, and warm socks--and then i lay there. for HOURS. i last saw the clock last night around 2:30. and i get up at 6:30. no big deal...i don't need much sleep. but honestly! i have to learn during the day...and apparently brains don't function well on 4 hours of sleep.
in fact, two people told me i looked like i was high today. perhaps the bloodshot eyes, dark racoonish circles, and general unkempt look gave me away. or perhaps i just haven't slept for days.
in all actuality, i think this is all God's idea. i know jon isn't sleeping much these days. and i think it is God's funny sense of humor that wants to connect us in our vastly different environments. so i just lay there. thinking about how jon probably isn't sleeping. and occassionally counting sheep. or spots on the ceiling. and (this is where it really gets fun) sometimes, when i am especially bored, i try to name all the muscles in the body.
Monday, November 27, 2006
it has been awhile. wayyy too long, actually since i last posted. and to be totally honest, i lost my username and password for awhile--THAT is how long is has been. but i am still here, still alive, still workin' away at life as it is thrown my way each day.
God has really been doing some cool things in my heart lately. you know that song by shawn groves?? the one about your heart being a 'house' that God comes in and remodels, throwing away all the junk and replacing it with unexpected things that you treasure much much more?
Welcome to this heart of mine
I've buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded
Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I'm overwhelmed, I understand
I can't make this place all that You can
Lately I've been convicted of my Earthly tendencies. For things. For success. For respect from my colleagues and peers. For wealth. For temporary-ness. Maybe it is because I feel so isolated here. And I waste time on the internet, falling hook, line, and sinker for the cons of the do-their-job-well advertising companies that falsely tempt me into believing that i can't be whole or complete or happy until i have their product, and then another, and then another.
i recently listened to a sermon by Pastor Tim Lucas of Liquid Church, somewhere in NJ. The sermon series was titled "Money, Debt, & the Bible." In short, it was awesome. He talked about how we got to where we are today. That the average home in the 1950s, when people reported that they were generally most happy, was the size of today's 3-car garage. That we have moved from a society of purely "I need" (think pilgrims and food) to "I want" (look in the mirror). That we have largely fallen prey to a culture of vultures...to a culture where values and morals have been replaced by secular virtues and materialism.
i really don't want to be part of it. sometimes i seriously feel like moving to Africa. inspired by the story of Jim Eliot, i want my life to stand for something beyond myself, something out of this world.
i guess i have to ask myself: is my heart in the right place? am i here, in school, for the right reasons? am i continually striving to look past myself, my selfish desires, and into the heart of God. and each day, when i close my eyes, can i hear God whisper in my ear, "Well done, my faithful servant."
i think i have some work to do.