Saturday, December 15, 2007


it is odd, really. the way life unfolds sometimes. the way we are completely out of control--although more often than not i pretend that i am. because like most, control is a good thing for me. control of my life, my days, my decisions. but then God throws curve balls. maybe just to remind me that He is in control. maybe to make me trust Him more (the thing about my faith i struggle with the most). or maybe to tell me to just let go.

we all have to let go at some point. with that innate fear that when we loosen that white-knuckled grip on whatever it is we are holding, it might not return to us. and the truth is that we all hold onto different things. relationships. money. scheduling. materialism. respect. security. things that, for the most part, are entirely temporary--they won't last beyond this life, much less into the next century. and because they are temporary we've got to move beyond them at some point.

but moving on is hard. and there is a delicate balance that hangs between the stages of hanging on & letting go; a teetering scale that sways to the left with each bit of sacrifice and back to the right with every ounce of selfishness. and if it goes on long enough, the swaying might drive you crazy--crazy enough to just give it all up & take it all back--whatever it was you were letting go.

there is a lot going on here. not in the physical world i live in...but most certainly in my mental candy land. lots of thoughts. lots of "what if's". and lots of questions.

timing for the future will certainly need to be hand crafted by God himself. i don't think the world is civil enough to align the stars & calendars in our favor. and to be frank, i'm a bit (okay, a lot) worried about it. the great sundial, as it looks right now, is one big shadow. and although i know nothing can or will be perfect, i'm just praying that i'll be strong enough to let go & let God.

because this isn't the way i would have planned it. and the way it is planned now is actually the situation i thought God would never dump in our laps--just because it would be too funny of Him to torture us with yet another year (or 3) apart. but alas, He is a funny, funny God.

and so all i can do is trust. which seems like the hardest thing to do right now. but like Houdini, my hands are tied behind my back. and life is getting ready to dunk me in that water tank.

and i've got to trust that God has the key to my straightjacket.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

dear jon.

so i'm just sitting here. just finished my lectures for tomorrow. my butt hurts--i've been sitting on it all day.

i'm listening to a great mix of songs online (on someone's blog). { "dream" by priscilla ann } and i was just thinking about you. the song is about a "dream" (go-figure, huh??). and the girl in the song is ready to die...essentially. kind of morbid, i know. but it made me think about how amazingly COOL marriage is.

the fact that we get to be best friends. AND live togther (someday). AND just experience life together.

i think about your parents...and in their almost-30-years of marriage just how much they have been through together. and that is JUST SO COOL.
and i'm excited to experience life with you. God's got great things planned--I know He does.

things that we could not even dare to dream.
and joys we haven't been prepared yet to experience.
but that is just the point...the "experience".

and i'm SO LUCKY to do life with you.

~ me :)

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

dear bathroom designers...

dear bathroom designers...

i am writing to you to plead my case. and actually, i'm wondering if your logic was somehow misplaced when you designed the bathrooms at my school. you see, THEY LACK VENTILATION. there are many things i enjoy about using the facilities that you so time-consumingly designed: the graffitti-free stalls, the calming minty green color (the minty part of which in no way reflects on the smell of the area), and the coordinating sinks & toilets (was it hard to find those fine white thrones??). but i must say, that YOU WERE OBVIOUSLY ON DRUGS when you finalized the bathroom ventilation system because, oh...there ISN'T ONE.

you know, the truth is that i usually only use public bathrooms in dire, i-might-die-if-i-don't-pee-now-situations. but i do know quite a few--judging by the smell--that feel comfortable to dump last nights (or last weeks, depending on their fiber intake) dinner in your diamond white porcelin thrones. and while the bathrooms sleek & stylish facade look clean, that is exactly what it is....a facade. because judging by the potency of the smell (which is often noticable outside the bathroom door), there are E.coli & salmonella particles floating around and up my nostrils when i just happen to use the potty in urgency.

so please, for the sake of sanity, sanitary-ity, and BASIC PLEASURE...install bathroom FANS in the next set of school bathrooms you design.

thank you--from my my....nostrils.

Yours Truely,

The Nose

Friday, November 30, 2007


day 2 of updating about my seemingly-boring life.

daily news.
1. killed 1 giant, hairy, spotted spider today.
2. caught up on the latest epidsode of House, M.D. thanks to Fox's fantastic video strems (honestly, what WOULD i do without the internet??)
3. studied for 6 hours this afternoon. yes, on a friday night. [this is my life].
4. learned that i might want to go into psychiatry.
5. went grocery shopping which is like one of my least favorite things to do on the planet. i should be good until january. i try to only go once a month--task completed successfully (& i even brought my own bags in order to save the dying species of plastic trees).
6. wore a new shirt today.
7. no other news to report at this time.

other than having this horribly annoying tickle in the back of my throat that has made me cough as if i had a hairball...and despite my boring studying....this has actually been quite a pleasant night.

i listened to 2 sermon's from Liquid Church and am now feeling extremely guilty about the way i've been using my resources. honestly? its kind of been torture living here. i mean, don't get me wrong, i couldn't have asked for a better place to go to school: minimal activites, few distractions, freeze-my-butt-off-winters that keep me inside studying, and many other markable things about the town that people seem to have fallen in love with. but me? well....i guess i'm finding that at this point in my life i need something to do. i need a freaking BRAIN BREAK every once in awhile...which usually means getting out in public, people watching, window shopping, starbucks-going, etc. here i don't have that option. and no, i will NOT pay $6 for a 12-oz latte at the coffee shop down the street.

so, to make up for the lack of stimulatory activites there are here, i've found myself spending more time on the internet, more time just wasting time, and less time in my spiritual life, reading a book for fun, or even writing quick how-are-you-notes to friends & family. in other words, i feel like i've become less personable and just a bit more addicted to the temptations this culture feeds me.

did you know that we encounter over 3000 advertisements each day?

and what do they tell us?? that we shouldn't be satisfied...that we NEED MORE STUFF. and i sit here tonight completely guilty as charged. i've felt that temptation this year stronger than ever before. like what i have isn't good enough, trendy enough, or flattering enough. and yes, it mostly has to do with clothes--they have always been my weak spot. but with all my time-wasting-activites, i've developed tastes for other craft projects and home decor (thank you Pottery Barn) and baking and...and....and...and.

the truth is that sometimes i go to bed at night thinking about how life will be so great after med school loans are paid off. because then i can GET ALL THIS STUFF.

insert God's sneaky voice: YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU.

and oh my heck is that the truth. the sermon tonight made that crystal clear. i mean seriously...what am i doing--what have i been doing--to better Christ's kingdom? reading blogs? checking out ebay auctions? give me a break.

so tonight i'm starting a challenge. going to challenge myself to abstain. from buying into the cultural lie that i NEED these things to appear successful, to look better, to whatever. because the truth is that you can't take it with you. and i'm saddened to report that at age 23, thousands of dollars have already flown through my world (don't ask me how i know that or i might have to shoot you). that is a heckuva lot of money.

money that fueled the fire of consumerism. money that i used to buy stuff (well, lots of food...and gas to see jon...and wedding stuff this last summer...and school books...but definitely unneeded stuff too). stuff that i can't take with me should i leave the earth tomorrow. its about darn time i invest myself in something that will last beyond this world.

you know exactly what i'm talking about.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

a new trend.

so i've noticed (& personally wondered) why the heck i can't make myself sit down & write every day. i mean, if i'm really honest with myself, i'll admit that i waste far too much time searching for stupid stuff on the internet. or standing in front on my cupboard craving something that i conveniently forgot to get at the grocery store. or counting the squished spiders on my wall. i mean, seriously, you'd think that i would welcome this brain break called writing every least as a way to document the insanity/ stress/ want-to-hibernate-for-the-next-7-months feelings that flow through my gray matter every day.

but the thing is, i feel like i have nothing to write about.

i could bore you with stories of the attack spiders in my bathroom. or the "west virginia culture" i am currently experiencing via trips to walmart (obviously the only place to truly experience this heckuva unique culture). i could even tell you about the 4 boxes of kleenex i've managed to blow through (haha...pun totally intended) this week because of my sinus infection. or enlighten you with lists of the many lists i keep making & losing & making again.

but today...just to suffice this need i have to write, i'll tell you about the oh-so-exciting ongoings of my day.

woke up (good first step). later than expected.
didn't roll by bedhead off the pillow until 8:20. which, if you'd like to know is approximately 4
hours after my husband had to get up today. (if that doesn't make me feel lazy...)

headed to a study session @ 10am. i will never understand why God invented biochemisty. it truly is a waste of my time. i mean, i can kind of see how learning all about this ONE ENZYME might better the world as we know it, given the fact that someday i might possibly run across that one child in 3 million that has a deficiency...but SERIOUSLY!!!! i have other stuff i have to shove in my brain. biochem is NOT WELCOME TO TAKE UP SPACE.

then we had this absolutely ridiculous presentation about a rural rotation we have to do next year. as if we don't already have enough to think about (like biochem, for example). they jabbered on for an hour about the west virginia culture and rural areas and just how great they were because they didn't have things like malls and fast food and "All that corruption". okay. i made up the part about corruption. but they told us things we already knew. and didn't tell us things that i considered important. which left me thoroughly confused. and looking like a nasally-voiced idiot trying to talk to my site coordinator afterwards. i asked her if i had to live in a cabin in the mountains.

i think i offended the west virginia culture in her. oops.

good thing i'm not planning on living here longer than i have to.

(and God, please don't change those plans just to be funny & show me that you are in control).

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

bad day.

i don't have many days like this. not many at all. but today, this week, right now, I'd like to crawl into hibernation & not emerge until the end of June. my world has been knocked off its axis. my mind won't stop racing with all i have to do and the lack of time i have to do it in. and, in short, i'm stressed out beyond belief.

school sucks. for anyone who is thinking of going into med school...DON'T. at least don't consider it this week. there is just not enough time in the 24 hour day. my days are packed. not packed in the commuter sense--i'm not spending 2 hours in the car each day or running place-to-place in order to get things done. no, my days are spent sitting. trying to absorb as much as i possibly can from the material that surrounds me and hangs over my head like an annoying ghost that i can't quite seem to scare off. i sleep. i wake up. i sit. i go to class...and sit. i study...and sit. and then i sleep. and if i try to deviate from that oh-so-active schedule of sitting, my entire week gets thrown off-kilter and i begin to question why i started all this sitting in the first place.

i'm tired. SO SO so tired. and i can't fit in one more activity, one more book to read or assignment to complete. i can't fit in time at the gym. and i often can't even find time to make a decent i usually end up eating cereal or apples or soup that i froze when my life wasn't so insane.

the most important test of my life to-date is 7 months away. i'm avoiding thinking about it. i'm unmotivated to study for it. i want a normal life. i want to be able to enjoy my get up in the morning in the same house as my husband. i want to be able to sit down to dinner at night and look back on my day without building frustrations. and gosh darnit i want to do something other that sit.

you might say that this week, at this moment, i'm regretting being here. i'm regretting this insane choice to come here. i'm regretting the fact that this whole 'medicine' thing isn't what i thought it would be--at least not right now. and i'm angry about the concept that "my reward" (whatever that means) won't come for 20 years.

in short, i just want to be normal--a normal person with a normal life...that has nothing to do with school and studying and sitting.

which is exactly why i'm planning on hibernating for the rest of the winter.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


What every man needs, regardless of his job
of the kind of work he is doing,
is a vision of what his place is and may be.
He needs an objective and a purpose.
He needs a feeling and a belief
that he has some worthwhile thing to do.
What this is no one can tell him.
It must be his own creation.
~Joseph M. Dodge

i've discovered in the past two days that the combination of Grey's Anatomy and my strict study schedule is somewhat toxic to my learning environment. almost as toxic as that girls blood that caused half the surgical staff to fill up the gurney's lining the hallways of Seattle Grace hospital in Season 3. except that i don't exactly consider Grey's Anatomy a neurotoxin. well, not right now at least.

but i realized something. something kind of....big. something about the profession that i am apparently going into. (although these days i am not so sure about my choice). it isn't like i haven't realized this before, but today it was just more real. more here. and kind of overwhelming.

not the overwhelming that McDreamy feels when he does cranial labotomies or separates 35-year-old conjoined twins. but overwhelming, nonetheless.

i realized that medicine, for all its advances and technology and flash and sterility and apparent 'glamour' really hasn't advanced at all. in its truest form, medicine is about caring. it is about touching peoples lives--giving them hope when all seems hopeless and inspiring purpose when their life's purpose has been interrupted by disease or dysfunction.

but all that mushy stuff--the emotional part--gets lost. and these days, it gets lost way too easily. lost in textbooks. in algorithms. lost in the shiny machines and $250 stethoscopes and sterile surgical rooms. it gets lost in the growing stacks of insurance claims and the shrinking bank accounts of overworked, overwhelmed doctors. and all of the sudden the hope and purpose that we are supposed to inspire has been eaten up; consumed by the pressures of just staying afloat. in a world where death and dying are part of everyday life. in a world where hand washing and sterile technique sometimes seem to be more important than hand holding and bedside manner. and we are left tired. exhausted. burnt out. and sometimes, even broken.

some people say that it is all relative. that it depends on who you talk to...or where you look. and apparently right now, today, i'm not talking to the right people or looking in the right places. because i am tired. exhausted. burnt out. and yes, even feeling just a little bit broken.

this dream i had; this 'thing' i've wanted for all 21.5 years i could talk? the one i'm supposed to be working toward? it isn't exactly what i'd thought it would be. and where i once thought that i could conquer the "world of medicine", change lives, give hope, and inspire purpose...well, i'm not so sure anymore.

but this is what i am sure of: i am going to find something, anything, to hold on to. i am going to find even just one thing about this profession, this insane journey, this ridiculously difficult choice, that makes me want to hold on. and hold on tight. and make it all worthwhile.

because there is a lot (a LOT) at stake. and because even though i feel like i've gotten somewhere. i've really only just begun. and i've got a long way to go.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

random. (i guess).

wow. its been so long since i've posted that i almost forgot my password. but fear not, i remembered.

lots of changes since last May. marriage. school. home. so much more. and even today, i'm still processing. processing the fact that each day is new. that tomorrow life won't be like it was yesterday. and that the next tomorrow will be different as well.

and i'm still learning. not feeling like i'm learning enough at the moment--but when did "enough" ever really become enough?? and if it did, i guess i missed that memo. my retention of information is almost obsolete. like i read something and it goes in my eyes and out my ears. anatomically, i know that is virtually impossible. but hey, there are anatomic abnormalities everywhere...maybe i've got one where there's straight communication between my ears and my eyes. isn't that handy.

you know what else is almost obsolete these days? my consumption of chai. [gasp!]. i know. i'm trying to cut back after my loving husband pointed out that there were like 23g of fat in each serving. thank you, for that small tidbit about my favorite beverage in the entire world.

other than the tunnel running between my retina and my tympanic membrane....and my "chai-diet", the world is pretty good.

well, except for the fact that estrogen made me cut my bangs 3 weeks ago, which are conveniently at just the length to stab me in the eyeballs all day. but that is another story.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007


We walk a fine line by living in the moment. Elders tell us to enjoy the journey. Friends encourage us to stop and smell the roses. Historians tell us to learn from the past—technologists say we should find hope in the future. But it is here, now, that often gives me the most trouble.

Just outside my door I found a small spider in the midst of a giant web. She must have spent all night—invested more energy than she could afford in building a home for herself. And now, she is resting. Living in the moment. Soaking in the glory of the silky mansion she has just built for herself.

We build mansions for ourselves, too. My closet, for one—full of more clothes than I could ever wear. And yet, this morning I showed up to class in sweatpants. It is my mansion. As if I am somehow judged by how spotless and wrinkle-free I present myself; as if it makes part of who I am. My bookshelf, another prime example. The textbooks sit there. Unopened. Unused. Un-learned-from. And yet, I continue to build my collection. With the hopes that someday osmosis might set in and my brain might suddenly be filled with pleasant banks of knowledge. And there are other people who literally DO building mansions for themselves. And there they sit. Behind streak-free windows. Atop hills and at oceansides. Basking in the glory of themselves, soaking in the accomplishment of what they have built.

Each mansion, whatever it may be, is an investment. Clothing. Books. Houses. Even worry, homework, cooking. And somehow, each in their own unique way pumps up our egos, gives us hope for the future. A future we are uncertain we’ll even have.

So today I am looking beyond the future. Beyond tomorrow. Beyond next week and next month. Focusing on eternity. Where God has built a mansion for us. A place where simply being in His presence is more satisfying than clothes and books and earthly houses. A place where homework doesn’t bring guilt, where board scores don’t matter, and where egos are broken by humility.

I’m placing my hope in that future. The only future I can be certain of. Because I can’t know what tomorrow will bring. In fact, no one can.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth & rust destroy, and where thieves break in & steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heave, where moth & rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in & steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” –Matthew 6:19-21

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

what i'm missing.

it wasn't until today, this morning actually, that it really hit me: i am missing something.

yes, some might tell me i'm missing sanity (believe-you-me, i would believe them). yes, i'm often missing sleep or food or something otherwise considered important.

but there is something else, too.

i've walked to school the past week. each morning i leave 30 minutes early and take a mile strole down the narrow streets, arriving at school glistening, refreshed, and quite satisfied with myself that i am saving gas and getting exercise.

but oddly enough it wasn't until today when i was driving back from school that i noticed the green leaves on the trees. not just scant leaves, not even budding leaves; full leaves. and then i noticed the flowers--fully blooming. and the birds sitting in their well-built nests, chirping away at the morning sunshine. the dandelions growing all the way down the walkway to my front door, and the growing cobwebs covering my porch awning leftover from the winter induced insect-gravitation toward the warmth of my cottage.

and, sadly, i realized just what i'm missing. not only being here in school, often stuck inside with my nose in a book, but what i'm just not taking the time to notice. for the past week i've walked the same path with the same trees and flowers and birds. not once had i taken the time to look up and see the leaves, look down and see the flowers, or take a break from the physiology lectures streaming through my headphones to hear the birds.

i can't blame it all on school. or scheduling. or studying. i do feel like i'm missing out on a big part of life--of changing seasons and being outdoors and friends and socializing. studying takes up most of my time. i can't blame it all on lack of motivation--my days just aren't long enough to fit everything in (& school takes first priority right now...aside from jon, of course).

i can only blame myself. for not being aware of God's blessings. for not taking the time to notice that, once again, He fulfilled His promise: spring has come again with new creation, full of life breathed by His lungs.

and i can't help but wonder what other new creations i'm missing. new attitudes. new perspectives. new relationships. or perhaps the most important of all: myself as a new Creation, constantly recreated by the amazing power of redemption.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! -2 Cor. 5:17

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


I'm in the middle of reading Job. It is a great book--really puts a lot in perspective. In the chapter I read last night (26, maybe?), Job said that if he could find God, he'd march right up to Him and ask him WHY. WHY He is treating his child this way, WHY Job has to endure so much.

But, as Job says, He can't march up to Him and demand answers. He can pray, to a God we can't see, and trust that his words land on caring ears (can I get a Hebrews 11:1??). Because God knows what He is doing. No rhyme or reason. We just can't understand. Mainly because we can't see the other side. Our tendency...MY tendency is to reject what I don't like. Because it hurts. Because it isn't easy. Because I can't find reason behind it or purpose in it.

But we make it through.

I can't understand this lesson. I can't wrap my mind around this trial--right here, in my own life. I can't fathom this separation.

But this morning, I woke up. And right now in this moment I am breathing. Which is one VERY strong indication that my job on this Earth isn't finished yet--that God is still teaching me, loving me, growing me.

However painful or frustrating, hopeless or purposeless it might seem today, when God wakes me up again tomorrow, I can look back. Look back on today and say I made it. Each day is one day closer to the other side. Of this trial. Of this life.

And that is key. Each day--one day, one breath, one moment at a time.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


today my feelings of sadness overwhelmed me. sadness for this country--for the direction mankind is headed in. sadness for the hearts of the millions of people who are constantly searching and seeking...and constantly coming up empty. for the brokeness of sexuality--the lack of self-restraint. for the ideals that have been washed away, stomped on, ignored. for the parents are more interested in the new episode of their favorite TV show than the new episode in the lives of their children. for those who can't speak for themselves, their losses apparently less important than the forests and fishes. and for the infected, diseased, and sick--their voices drowned out by the narcotic-addicts and demanding quick-fixes that dishearten this nation's doctors.

sadness for the lives of the millions of people who will be lost the next hour, minute...because we--the "lucky" ones--are too self-absorbed to look outside our clean glass windows and beyond the rooftops of our comfortable surburbia. today my feelings of sadness overwhelmed me. because i know why i am here...on Earth. i have purpose and fulfillment. something beyond material expectations, beyond the piety of wealth and earthen treasures. somewhere beyond this world...

and yet, there are so many others who don't know why they live. why they wake up each morning. who don't know who gave them life and breath. and who don't care, really.

i guess it is all about priorities.

and i am sad because i think America has theirs all screwed up.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

the great freeze.

i love the movie Ice Age. i love kids movies in general, though. probably because my life is so often refreshed by kids--and their sense of humor. but Ice Age has to be a favorite. and although i really don't like being cold, thinking of the real ice age is kind of cool.

some say history repeats itself. weirdly enough, i found that to be true. :)

frozen. me. the ground. my car.

i wish i could freeze time, too.

Monday, January 08, 2007

there are just those days....

that i want to hibernate. hide from life. hide from everything and nothing at all. hide from the rigors of daily life, of people, of expectations--your own and those of others.

there are just those days that i want to scream and cry and sleep. and not wake up until things are over, settled, calm. that i want to quit. and not have to start again. that i want to finish. and not have to do all the work. there are just those days when life doesn't seem quite fair. when no one else on this earth can entirely relate to emotions and feelings and, even tears.

there are just those days when hard work seems to disappear within red marks on tests. when hours of rest disintigrate. and when the prospects of the future aren't quite as hopeful as they were last week.

there are just those days when hugs are needed. when tissue doesn't quite suffice as the shirt sleeve of a best friend. and when security in the arms of someone you love is hundreds of miles away.

today is one of those days.

Sunday, January 07, 2007


i swear i've heard the saying a thousand times. maybe a million. but i've never actually thought about what it meant. until yesterday. until yesterday when i traveled for 14 hours. until yesterday when i almost missed one flight. until yesterday when i got lost somewhere in virginia for 40 minutes on a foreign highway with no exits to turn around. until yesterday when i got pulled over and got a $146 speeding ticket. until yesterday when i finally made it to my cottage. until yesterday, when i realized that in each circumstance i had a choice: to notice the fact that God gave me the benefit each time, despite my doubting His hand in each event.

i was supposed to get back to WV on friday. but a big storm dumped on Salt Lake City and cancelled my flight. benefit because i was secretly praying that i could have just one more day at home. thanks, God.

both my mom and i slept in and actually woke up at the time we were supposed to be at the airport. i proceeded to take a shower. and we left oh, 30 minutes later than we had initially planned. but it was perfect. neither of us freaked out. we were calm. composed. and smart--mainly because we used the kiosk to check-in and bypassed about 20 people waiting in line. definitely a benefit in starting my day.

i slept on my first two flights. with a complimentary dose of drool for the friendly passengers sitting next to me. haha. i look ridiculous when i sleep on planes--and apparently i drool as well.

my flight was a hour late getting in to Ohio. which gave me a whole 20 minutes to get on a shuttle to an entirely different terminal, walk 20 gates into the terminal, and find my flight. which i did. and i made it.

the nice people from the car dealership picked me up in my sparkly clean car that they washed and vacummed for me. i had to take "T" (who looks like a bouncer...oh wait...he is a bouncer for some big club in his spare time) back to the dealership. bad news, though, because he told me to go the wrong direction. so i drove. for 40 minutes. until i found my way back to the airport. then had to get gas. then had to go to the bathroom because by that time i had drank half of the latte i got at starbucks. but i finally got myself on the right road. upon which i apparently wasn't watching my speedometer. because i was going 73 in a 55 mph zone. oops. got pulled over. first speeding ticket ever. crap. $146 worth of a speeding ticket. i can't go to the court date because i have school. and i am a bit bitter about it.

but i was thinking last night as i was laying in my bed in my cottage in rural WV. the cop said he gave me the "benefit of the doubt". and at that statement, i had two choices. to look at the fact that i did, actually, receive a benefit because i did NOT get a ticket for 'reckless driving' like he threatened me with. or i could doubt that God's hand was in it at all--because i ended up getting lost and getting a ticket.

i guess i choose benefit. because God is at work. and maybe that cop--and that $146 ticket--saved me from hitting a deer on the road. or getting in an accident because i did not go one mph over the speed limit from that point on (& i doubt i will for the next few months, either). and God is at work because i got home and found a generous check from my Uncle & Aunt that covers the cost of the ticket. and God is at work because He made me laugh about it last night. laugh at myself. for being so careless. and with all that, there really isn't much room for doubt.

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