Thursday, March 27, 2008


there is something inside me that draws me toward certain things. like an intrinsic gravitational force that i'm unable to overcome at times--well, okay all the time. some days, i'm humble enough to consider the things i'm drawn to as temptations. but other times, like today, they manifest themselves in things much more fierce...and much less holy.

i'm a worrier. by nature. i didn't choose to be one. and i'd shed that trait of mine faster than i shed skin cells if i could. but try as i might, it just won't go away. i've taken quite a transformation in my own perspective of it. at first i embraced it, thinking that it was entirely normal that people worry about such things as bugs crawling in their windows & finding foreign fingernails on the ground. normal that people worry about how the $12 just spent at the grocery store could have been used in 27.5 years from now or how each and every decision made--no matter how small--just might not be the right one.

after embracing my worrisome nature, i found that my welcoming it into my world had caused it to settle in the saddlebags & arm flab of my body. NOT OKAY WITH ME. so naturally, i went into denial. tried to push that worry far far far back into my brain. tried to think about pineapple & Maui & cute fuzzy bunnies instead of thinking about worry. but that didn't work. mostly because i started worrying about those cute fuzzy bunnies.

so now, my only choice is to recognize this built-in tendency of mine as my temptation. and as i've struggled with this, i've been supported by my incredible husband who has helped me recognize that by worrying more, i'm letting God lead my life less. my worry about that $12 of grocery money is pushing God's provision in 27.5 years out of the picture entirely. my worry about my ever-growing student loans is denying the Divine ability of God's plan to abolish them quickly & completely by providing a more-than-ideal job opportunity. and my overwhelming worry about whether being here in school, choosing this path in life was the right decision is outright denying the fact that God practially pushed me through the door He opened for me here.

i think that this battle with worry is really a hidden lesson in TRUST. trusting God. trusting jon. trusting myself. and although each day i tend to take two steps forward and one step back, i do feel like i'm making progress--even if it is only measured in fairy footsteps.

worry doesn't belong in the hearts of believers. there is a time & place for everything, though. and my hope is that 27.5 years from now, i'll look back & realize that God has made this measly worry-wart a beautiful, new creation...and that the $12 at the grocery store today was money well-spent.

There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift. I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
Whatever was, is.
Whatever will be, is.
That's how it always is with God.
{Ephesians 3}

Monday, March 10, 2008

signs of test week.

i haven't moved the laundry off my bed since last monday (yes, 7 days). i haven't done my dishes in 5 days & finally resorted to using plastic utensils & eating out of tupperware containers because all my 'real' dishes were dirty. this growing stack of notecards seems to be...well, growing. i'm only through about 1/4 of it. and i only have 72 hours left. (ahh!). and my trusty pen collection; every assorted color--all very well used this week taking notes.

yup. it is test week. dirty laundry. dirty dishes. notecards strewn about & constantly at my side. they come to bed with me, sit on the eliptical at the gym, join me in brushing my teeth...& i even fancied a way to study in the shower :) (i'd like to hug the inventor of Ziploc baggies).

in short: time is precious. pathetically precious during these weeks. every action has to be justified. and yet here it is. tuesday morning, almost 1am. i'm exhausted--but can't seem to let myself fall asleep. i saw 2:30am on the clock yesterday morning...not voluntarily, either. my brain just won't shut off. i keep going over mechanisms in my head--and subsequently confusing myself on everything i seemed to have learned the prior day.

and i feel behind. SO SO SO behind. i didn't get through my to-do list today. and when it is test week, my to-do list is gold.

but i'm oddly confident. (or perhaps i'm beyond the point of caring). confident that this too, shall pass. and confident that in a little more than 72 hours, this will all be behind me.

one 5 hour exam lies between me and....sweet, glorious sleep.

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