worry.
there is something inside me that draws me toward certain things. like an intrinsic gravitational force that i'm unable to overcome at times--well, okay all the time. some days, i'm humble enough to consider the things i'm drawn to as temptations. but other times, like today, they manifest themselves in things much more fierce...and much less holy.
i'm a worrier. by nature. i didn't choose to be one. and i'd shed that trait of mine faster than i shed skin cells if i could. but try as i might, it just won't go away. i've taken quite a transformation in my own perspective of it. at first i embraced it, thinking that it was entirely normal that people worry about such things as bugs crawling in their windows & finding foreign fingernails on the ground. normal that people worry about how the $12 just spent at the grocery store could have been used in 27.5 years from now or how each and every decision made--no matter how small--just might not be the right one.
after embracing my worrisome nature, i found that my welcoming it into my world had caused it to settle in the saddlebags & arm flab of my body. NOT OKAY WITH ME. so naturally, i went into denial. tried to push that worry far far far back into my brain. tried to think about pineapple & Maui & cute fuzzy bunnies instead of thinking about worry. but that didn't work. mostly because i started worrying about those cute fuzzy bunnies.
so now, my only choice is to recognize this built-in tendency of mine as my temptation. and as i've struggled with this, i've been supported by my incredible husband who has helped me recognize that by worrying more, i'm letting God lead my life less. my worry about that $12 of grocery money is pushing God's provision in 27.5 years out of the picture entirely. my worry about my ever-growing student loans is denying the Divine ability of God's plan to abolish them quickly & completely by providing a more-than-ideal job opportunity. and my overwhelming worry about whether being here in school, choosing this path in life was the right decision is outright denying the fact that God practially pushed me through the door He opened for me here.
i think that this battle with worry is really a hidden lesson in TRUST. trusting God. trusting jon. trusting myself. and although each day i tend to take two steps forward and one step back, i do feel like i'm making progress--even if it is only measured in fairy footsteps.
worry doesn't belong in the hearts of believers. there is a time & place for everything, though. and my hope is that 27.5 years from now, i'll look back & realize that God has made this measly worry-wart a beautiful, new creation...and that the $12 at the grocery store today was money well-spent.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift. I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
1 comment:
it's uncanny how much we are alike. i worry as well, about all the same things. well not the bugs so much, but about the $2.25 i spent on a candy bar and soda, that could've easily fed a child in africa for two days. however i have not yet gotten to the point where i can lay it down at His feet, i still try to carry it on my own. it's an ongoing battle i struggle with daily, if you figure out the magic secret, let me know :) i'm praying for you jlyn, and i feel your "pain"
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