unfolding.

it is odd, really. the way life unfolds sometimes. the way we are completely out of control--although more often than not i pretend that i am. because like most, control is a good thing for me. control of my life, my days, my decisions. but then God throws curve balls. maybe just to remind me that He is in control. maybe to make me trust Him more (the thing about my faith i struggle with the most). or maybe to tell me to just let go.

we all have to let go at some point. with that innate fear that when we loosen that white-knuckled grip on whatever it is we are holding, it might not return to us. and the truth is that we all hold onto different things. relationships. money. scheduling. materialism. respect. security. things that, for the most part, are entirely temporary--they won't last beyond this life, much less into the next century. and because they are temporary we've got to move beyond them at some point.

but moving on is hard. and there is a delicate balance that hangs between the stages of hanging on & letting go; a teetering scale that sways to the left with each bit of sacrifice and back to the right with every ounce of selfishness. and if it goes on long enough, the swaying might drive you crazy--crazy enough to just give it all up & take it all back--whatever it was you were letting go.

there is a lot going on here. not in the physical world i live in...but most certainly in my mental candy land. lots of thoughts. lots of "what if's". and lots of questions.

timing for the future will certainly need to be hand crafted by God himself. i don't think the world is civil enough to align the stars & calendars in our favor. and to be frank, i'm a bit (okay, a lot) worried about it. the great sundial, as it looks right now, is one big shadow. and although i know nothing can or will be perfect, i'm just praying that i'll be strong enough to let go & let God.

because this isn't the way i would have planned it. and the way it is planned now is actually the situation i thought God would never dump in our laps--just because it would be too funny of Him to torture us with yet another year (or 3) apart. but alas, He is a funny, funny God.

and so all i can do is trust. which seems like the hardest thing to do right now. but like Houdini, my hands are tied behind my back. and life is getting ready to dunk me in that water tank.

and i've got to trust that God has the key to my straightjacket.