Wednesday, November 07, 2007

bad day.

i don't have many days like this. not many at all. but today, this week, right now, I'd like to crawl into hibernation & not emerge until the end of June. my world has been knocked off its axis. my mind won't stop racing with all i have to do and the lack of time i have to do it in. and, in short, i'm stressed out beyond belief.

school sucks. for anyone who is thinking of going into med school...DON'T. at least don't consider it this week. there is just not enough time in the 24 hour day. my days are packed. not packed in the commuter sense--i'm not spending 2 hours in the car each day or running place-to-place in order to get things done. no, my days are spent sitting. trying to absorb as much as i possibly can from the material that surrounds me and hangs over my head like an annoying ghost that i can't quite seem to scare off. i sleep. i wake up. i sit. i go to class...and sit. i study...and sit. and then i sleep. and if i try to deviate from that oh-so-active schedule of sitting, my entire week gets thrown off-kilter and i begin to question why i started all this sitting in the first place.

i'm tired. SO SO so tired. and i can't fit in one more activity, one more book to read or assignment to complete. i can't fit in time at the gym. and i often can't even find time to make a decent i usually end up eating cereal or apples or soup that i froze when my life wasn't so insane.

the most important test of my life to-date is 7 months away. i'm avoiding thinking about it. i'm unmotivated to study for it. i want a normal life. i want to be able to enjoy my get up in the morning in the same house as my husband. i want to be able to sit down to dinner at night and look back on my day without building frustrations. and gosh darnit i want to do something other that sit.

you might say that this week, at this moment, i'm regretting being here. i'm regretting this insane choice to come here. i'm regretting the fact that this whole 'medicine' thing isn't what i thought it would be--at least not right now. and i'm angry about the concept that "my reward" (whatever that means) won't come for 20 years.

in short, i just want to be normal--a normal person with a normal life...that has nothing to do with school and studying and sitting.

which is exactly why i'm planning on hibernating for the rest of the winter.

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