today.

today my feelings of sadness overwhelmed me. sadness for this country--for the direction mankind is headed in. sadness for the hearts of the millions of people who are constantly searching and seeking...and constantly coming up empty. for the brokeness of sexuality--the lack of self-restraint. for the ideals that have been washed away, stomped on, ignored. for the parents are more interested in the new episode of their favorite TV show than the new episode in the lives of their children. for those who can't speak for themselves, their losses apparently less important than the forests and fishes. and for the infected, diseased, and sick--their voices drowned out by the narcotic-addicts and demanding quick-fixes that dishearten this nation's doctors.

sadness for the lives of the millions of people who will be lost tomorrow...today...in the next hour, minute...because we--the "lucky" ones--are too self-absorbed to look outside our clean glass windows and beyond the rooftops of our comfortable surburbia. today my feelings of sadness overwhelmed me. because i know why i am here...on Earth. i have purpose and fulfillment. something beyond material expectations, beyond the piety of wealth and earthen treasures. somewhere beyond this world...

and yet, there are so many others who don't know why they live. why they wake up each morning. who don't know who gave them life and breath. and who don't care, really.

i guess it is all about priorities.

and i am sad because i think America has theirs all screwed up.

the great freeze.

i love the movie Ice Age. i love kids movies in general, though. probably because my life is so often refreshed by kids--and their sense of humor. but Ice Age has to be a favorite. and although i really don't like being cold, thinking of the real ice age is kind of cool.

some say history repeats itself. weirdly enough, i found that to be true. :)

frozen. me. the ground. my car.

i wish i could freeze time, too.

there are just those days....

that i want to hibernate. hide from life. hide from everything and nothing at all. hide from the rigors of daily life, of people, of expectations--your own and those of others.

there are just those days that i want to scream and cry and sleep. and not wake up until things are over, settled, calm. that i want to quit. and not have to start again. that i want to finish. and not have to do all the work. there are just those days when life doesn't seem quite fair. when no one else on this earth can entirely relate to emotions and feelings and, even tears.

there are just those days when hard work seems to disappear within red marks on tests. when hours of rest disintigrate. and when the prospects of the future aren't quite as hopeful as they were last week.

there are just those days when hugs are needed. when tissue doesn't quite suffice as the shirt sleeve of a best friend. and when security in the arms of someone you love is hundreds of miles away.

today is one of those days.

BENEFIT of the DOUBT

i swear i've heard the saying a thousand times. maybe a million. but i've never actually thought about what it meant. until yesterday. until yesterday when i traveled for 14 hours. until yesterday when i almost missed one flight. until yesterday when i got lost somewhere in virginia for 40 minutes on a foreign highway with no exits to turn around. until yesterday when i got pulled over and got a $146 speeding ticket. until yesterday when i finally made it to my cottage. until yesterday, when i realized that in each circumstance i had a choice: to notice the fact that God gave me the benefit each time, despite my doubting His hand in each event.

i was supposed to get back to WV on friday. but a big storm dumped on Salt Lake City and cancelled my flight. benefit because i was secretly praying that i could have just one more day at home. thanks, God.

both my mom and i slept in and actually woke up at the time we were supposed to be at the airport. i proceeded to take a shower. and we left oh, 30 minutes later than we had initially planned. but it was perfect. neither of us freaked out. we were calm. composed. and smart--mainly because we used the kiosk to check-in and bypassed about 20 people waiting in line. definitely a benefit in starting my day.

i slept on my first two flights. with a complimentary dose of drool for the friendly passengers sitting next to me. haha. i look ridiculous when i sleep on planes--and apparently i drool as well.

my flight was a hour late getting in to Ohio. which gave me a whole 20 minutes to get on a shuttle to an entirely different terminal, walk 20 gates into the terminal, and find my flight. which i did. and i made it.

the nice people from the car dealership picked me up in my sparkly clean car that they washed and vacummed for me. i had to take "T" (who looks like a bouncer...oh wait...he is a bouncer for some big club in his spare time) back to the dealership. bad news, though, because he told me to go the wrong direction. so i drove. for 40 minutes. until i found my way back to the airport. then had to get gas. then had to go to the bathroom because by that time i had drank half of the latte i got at starbucks. but i finally got myself on the right road. upon which i apparently wasn't watching my speedometer. because i was going 73 in a 55 mph zone. oops. got pulled over. first speeding ticket ever. crap. $146 worth of a speeding ticket. i can't go to the court date because i have school. and i am a bit bitter about it.

but i was thinking last night as i was laying in my bed in my cottage in rural WV. the cop said he gave me the "benefit of the doubt". and at that statement, i had two choices. to look at the fact that i did, actually, receive a benefit because i did NOT get a ticket for 'reckless driving' like he threatened me with. or i could doubt that God's hand was in it at all--because i ended up getting lost and getting a ticket.

i guess i choose benefit. because God is at work. and maybe that cop--and that $146 ticket--saved me from hitting a deer on the road. or getting in an accident because i did not go one mph over the speed limit from that point on (& i doubt i will for the next few months, either). and God is at work because i got home and found a generous check from my Uncle & Aunt that covers the cost of the ticket. and God is at work because He made me laugh about it last night. laugh at myself. for being so careless. and with all that, there really isn't much room for doubt.