guilt.

day 2 of updating about my seemingly-boring life.

daily news.
1. killed 1 giant, hairy, spotted spider today.
2. caught up on the latest epidsode of House, M.D. thanks to Fox's fantastic video strems (honestly, what WOULD i do without the internet??)
3. studied for 6 hours this afternoon. yes, on a friday night. [this is my life].
4. learned that i might want to go into psychiatry.
5. went grocery shopping which is like one of my least favorite things to do on the planet. i should be good until january. i try to only go once a month--task completed successfully (& i even brought my own bags in order to save the dying species of plastic trees).
6. wore a new shirt today.
7. no other news to report at this time.

other than having this horribly annoying tickle in the back of my throat that has made me cough as if i had a hairball...and despite my boring studying....this has actually been quite a pleasant night.

i listened to 2 sermon's from Liquid Church and am now feeling extremely guilty about the way i've been using my resources. honestly? its kind of been torture living here. i mean, don't get me wrong, i couldn't have asked for a better place to go to school: minimal activites, few distractions, freeze-my-butt-off-winters that keep me inside studying, and many other markable things about the town that people seem to have fallen in love with. but me? well....i guess i'm finding that at this point in my life i need something to do. i need a freaking BRAIN BREAK every once in awhile...which usually means getting out in public, people watching, window shopping, starbucks-going, etc. here i don't have that option. and no, i will NOT pay $6 for a 12-oz latte at the coffee shop down the street.

so, to make up for the lack of stimulatory activites there are here, i've found myself spending more time on the internet, more time just wasting time, and less time in my spiritual life, reading a book for fun, or even writing quick how-are-you-notes to friends & family. in other words, i feel like i've become less personable and just a bit more addicted to the temptations this culture feeds me.

did you know that we encounter over 3000 advertisements each day?

and what do they tell us?? that we shouldn't be satisfied...that we NEED MORE STUFF. and i sit here tonight completely guilty as charged. i've felt that temptation this year stronger than ever before. like what i have isn't good enough, trendy enough, or flattering enough. and yes, it mostly has to do with clothes--they have always been my weak spot. but with all my time-wasting-activites, i've developed tastes for other things...like craft projects and home decor (thank you Pottery Barn) and baking and...and....and...and.

the truth is that sometimes i go to bed at night thinking about how life will be so great after med school loans are paid off. because then i can GET ALL THIS STUFF.

insert God's sneaky voice: YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU.

and oh my heck is that the truth. the sermon tonight made that crystal clear. i mean seriously...what am i doing--what have i been doing--to better Christ's kingdom? reading blogs? checking out ebay auctions? give me a break.

so tonight i'm starting a challenge. going to challenge myself to abstain. from buying into the cultural lie that i NEED these things to appear successful, to look better, to whatever. because the truth is that you can't take it with you. and i'm saddened to report that at age 23, thousands of dollars have already flown through my world (don't ask me how i know that or i might have to shoot you). that is a heckuva lot of money.

money that fueled the fire of consumerism. money that i used to buy stuff (well, lots of food...and gas to see jon...and wedding stuff this last summer...and school books...but definitely unneeded stuff too). stuff that i can't take with me should i leave the earth tomorrow. its about darn time i invest myself in something that will last beyond this world.

you know exactly what i'm talking about.

a new trend.

so i've noticed (& personally wondered) why the heck i can't make myself sit down & write every day. i mean, if i'm really honest with myself, i'll admit that i waste far too much time searching for stupid stuff on the internet. or standing in front on my cupboard craving something that i conveniently forgot to get at the grocery store. or counting the squished spiders on my wall. i mean, seriously, you'd think that i would welcome this brain break called writing every day...at least as a way to document the insanity/ stress/ want-to-hibernate-for-the-next-7-months feelings that flow through my gray matter every day.

but the thing is, i feel like i have nothing to write about.

i could bore you with stories of the attack spiders in my bathroom. or the "west virginia culture" i am currently experiencing via trips to walmart (obviously the only place to truly experience this heckuva unique culture). i could even tell you about the 4 boxes of kleenex i've managed to blow through (haha...pun totally intended) this week because of my sinus infection. or enlighten you with lists of the many lists i keep making & losing & making again.

but today...just to suffice this need i have to write, i'll tell you about the oh-so-exciting ongoings of my day.

woke up (good first step). later than expected.
didn't roll by bedhead off the pillow until 8:20. which, if you'd like to know is approximately 4
hours after my husband had to get up today. (if that doesn't make me feel lazy...)

headed to a study session @ 10am. i will never understand why God invented biochemisty. it truly is a waste of my time. i mean, i can kind of see how learning all about this ONE ENZYME might better the world as we know it, given the fact that someday i might possibly run across that one child in 3 million that has a deficiency...but SERIOUSLY!!!! i have other stuff i have to shove in my brain. biochem is NOT WELCOME TO TAKE UP SPACE.

then we had this absolutely ridiculous presentation about a rural rotation we have to do next year. as if we don't already have enough to think about (like biochem, for example). they jabbered on for an hour about the west virginia culture and rural areas and just how great they were because they didn't have things like malls and fast food and "All that corruption". okay. i made up the part about corruption. but they told us things we already knew. and didn't tell us things that i considered important. which left me thoroughly confused. and looking like a nasally-voiced idiot trying to talk to my site coordinator afterwards. i asked her if i had to live in a cabin in the mountains.

i think i offended the west virginia culture in her. oops.

good thing i'm not planning on living here longer than i have to.

(and God, please don't change those plans just to be funny & show me that you are in control).

bad day.

i don't have many days like this. not many at all. but today, this week, right now, I'd like to crawl into hibernation & not emerge until the end of June. my world has been knocked off its axis. my mind won't stop racing with all i have to do and the lack of time i have to do it in. and, in short, i'm stressed out beyond belief.

school sucks. for anyone who is thinking of going into med school...DON'T. at least don't consider it this week. there is just not enough time in the 24 hour day. my days are packed. not packed in the commuter sense--i'm not spending 2 hours in the car each day or running place-to-place in order to get things done. no, my days are spent sitting. trying to absorb as much as i possibly can from the material that surrounds me and hangs over my head like an annoying ghost that i can't quite seem to scare off. i sleep. i wake up. i sit. i go to class...and sit. i study...and sit. and then i sleep. and if i try to deviate from that oh-so-active schedule of sitting, my entire week gets thrown off-kilter and i begin to question why i started all this sitting in the first place.

i'm tired. SO SO so tired. and i can't fit in one more activity, one more book to read or assignment to complete. i can't fit in time at the gym. and i often can't even find time to make a decent meal...so i usually end up eating cereal or apples or soup that i froze when my life wasn't so insane.

the most important test of my life to-date is 7 months away. i'm avoiding thinking about it. i'm unmotivated to study for it. i want a normal life. i want to be able to enjoy my days...to get up in the morning in the same house as my husband. i want to be able to sit down to dinner at night and look back on my day without building frustrations. and gosh darnit i want to do something other that sit.

you might say that this week, at this moment, i'm regretting being here. i'm regretting this insane choice to come here. i'm regretting the fact that this whole 'medicine' thing isn't what i thought it would be--at least not right now. and i'm angry about the concept that "my reward" (whatever that means) won't come for 20 years.

in short, i just want to be normal--a normal person with a normal life...that has nothing to do with school and studying and sitting.

which is exactly why i'm planning on hibernating for the rest of the winter.