a day made better.

“God never places us in any position in which we can not grow. We may fancy that He does.

We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing;

but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward.

Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure,

we are making the best kind of progress.” --Elizabeth Prentiss

so the truth is that for the last 4 days, i've been hit with a selfish stick. in my mind, i'll sheepishly admit that my thoughts & life & complaints & actions have been all about me. and for as totally awesome as it is to go around thinking that i have it pretty bad & loathe in self-pity, i think my brain would have imploded if it continued much longer.

the turning point was tonight...when i filled my stomach with quite possibly one of the THE MOST AMAZING things i have ever tasted. yes, that's right. i discovered Yoplait Whipped Chocolate Raspberry yogurt. it is like heaven on a spoon. and, i dare say, it might be better than ice cream. {and if you know me, that last statement should have been a jaw-dropper}

so after my life-altering savory eating experience that sent me to the high-heavens & back again, i realized that i have SO MUCH to be thankful for. i had to perform a head-to-toe physical today on someone from the community (who had great tympanic membranes, by the way...perhaps the best i've ever seen). and when i walked in the room & was greated by a warm smile, i realized how much i've learned in the past 16 months. and how fast it has gone by. and really, how much i've changed.

there are so many days where the monotony of studying gets the best of me. and i complain. i complain to myself. and to jon. and to God--who, by the way, put me here in the first place. and i SO EASILY get overwhelmed. one small thing, seemingly harmless, will set off a spell of "freak outs" that lasts for days. and like a smelly pile of laundry, the things i'm overwhelmed about pile up. they amplify themselves (perhaps like TAG repeat sequences on chromosome 9 in Huntington's disease?) until i just can't handle it anymore. and i break down.

the break down, by the way, doesn't meet DSM-IV criteria for admission to a psychiatric ward (although that is debatble some days)...i just cry. and like a typical female, think of all the possible things in the WORLD that could go wrong in my life. and i cry about those too.

but EVERY TIME, God finds me. He meets me where i'm at (which, tonight was with Whipped Chocolate Raspberry yogurt in hand). and EVERY TIME he reminds me that it was HIM that put me here in the first place. he PROMISED me he'd get me through this--get us through this.

and i remembered today that He has. and He will.

i know i'll look back on this experience with harshly fond memories (oxy-moron intended). many days this whole situation makes me feel less than "normal"--almost alienated from the rest of the world that keeps spinning around me. apart from my husband. away from family. nose in a book all day long. disconnected. and on those days i don't feel like i'm growing.

but the reality is that we never stop growing. sometimes when we aren't growing up, we are growing downward...sinking our roots deeper & deeper into the soil God has placed us on. and you know, in my opinion roots are the most important part.

weary.

i'll be honest. there are days when i'm doubtful. doubtful that God is with me, that He is alive & present & constantly changing, molding the world that surrounds me. doubtful that He wants me, that He loves me as much as people tell me he does. and yes, even some days doubtful of His existence at all.

its been a struggle lately. to remain faithful. and hopeful. and grateful. for the opportunties i've been given & the people strategically placed in my life. i've reached a point of complacency, indifference almost. as if the functioning world of joy and tradgedy and commuting, the world of twiddled bird songs and blooming buds and chocolate brownies has become nothing less than a distant memory. as if i'm not part of it at all.

its been a struggle to maintain my active faith...the one that grows me and touches me, the one that inspires me and gives me hope; i've had an arm-wrestling match with my mentality--daily challenged by the shallow depths of science & the deep surface of the human psyche.

but most of all, i've struggled with my PURPOSE. i swear i had one when i got here. i swear that 16 months ago i was full of fire for this "calling" & full of vigor for this task. my heart has changed--there is no denying that. the sacrifices that i was once willing to make--or at least ignore until i had to face them--aren't on my list to give up anymore.

but amidst it all, i'm comforted. because God speaks in amazing ways--most completely unexpected.

and i remember that there IS balance. and wholeness. and joyful satisfaction within this profession--within the hearts of women in this profession. there IS a future that doesn't force me to make those off-the-list sacrifices. and i'm confident that there WILL BE a time when i'll be more connected to the twidders & buds & brownies.

but in the meantime. in the meantime when i'm still disconnected, i'll remember to:

... not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.
-Galations 6:9, The Message

because God is listening to my heart. He is alive and active, molding and changing me--and the world that passes me by.

and He's been known to answer prayers.

disconnect.

to be honest, i'm in a bad mood.

i'm feeling a bit of disconnect lately. as if satan has unplugged my internal phone line that permits connection with the world around me.

maybe it is guilt. or maybe it is the overwhelmed feeling that seems to plague me each day as the books grow more "read here" tabs & the stacks of notes shoot themselves toward the heavens. perhaps it is that nasty feeling if discontentment that sneaks up on me like the boogy-man...& is probably the same amount of scary.

it's not that i'm not happy. oh, i am. even school these days is finally starting the synthesize. i had my first "real supervisor-free" patient a couple of days ago. i walked into the room & felt like i knew what to do--cardiovascular exam, respiratory, DTR's, cranial nerve evaluation, etc. and the truth is that it felt good. good to know that all the zero's that are after the $$$ attached to my name actually mean something.

and jon & i are happy--at least i am :) (i'd hope he would agree). don't get me wrong, i find myself often frustated with our situation & only seeing him twice each month. but he patiently reminds me that we chose this...and that God will get us through it.

and, for the most part, my life is pretty simple. and pretty happy...i guess.

but there is some inner turmoil lately. and it is stirring, rumbling, waiting to come to the surface. i know it. i can feel it. but i can't quite pinpoint it. like a volcano before it ruptures--a bit of seismic activity that even scientists can't pinpoint when or where the earth above the lava will finally break away.

it will happen--the explosion, i mean. except in the context of my life, i'm not expecting quite the spectacular display of colors & heat that volcanoes generate. but it will happen. and in the meantime, i'll just be waiting.