weary.

i'll be honest. there are days when i'm doubtful. doubtful that God is with me, that He is alive & present & constantly changing, molding the world that surrounds me. doubtful that He wants me, that He loves me as much as people tell me he does. and yes, even some days doubtful of His existence at all.

its been a struggle lately. to remain faithful. and hopeful. and grateful. for the opportunties i've been given & the people strategically placed in my life. i've reached a point of complacency, indifference almost. as if the functioning world of joy and tradgedy and commuting, the world of twiddled bird songs and blooming buds and chocolate brownies has become nothing less than a distant memory. as if i'm not part of it at all.

its been a struggle to maintain my active faith...the one that grows me and touches me, the one that inspires me and gives me hope; i've had an arm-wrestling match with my mentality--daily challenged by the shallow depths of science & the deep surface of the human psyche.

but most of all, i've struggled with my PURPOSE. i swear i had one when i got here. i swear that 16 months ago i was full of fire for this "calling" & full of vigor for this task. my heart has changed--there is no denying that. the sacrifices that i was once willing to make--or at least ignore until i had to face them--aren't on my list to give up anymore.

but amidst it all, i'm comforted. because God speaks in amazing ways--most completely unexpected.

and i remember that there IS balance. and wholeness. and joyful satisfaction within this profession--within the hearts of women in this profession. there IS a future that doesn't force me to make those off-the-list sacrifices. and i'm confident that there WILL BE a time when i'll be more connected to the twidders & buds & brownies.

but in the meantime. in the meantime when i'm still disconnected, i'll remember to:

... not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.
-Galations 6:9, The Message

because God is listening to my heart. He is alive and active, molding and changing me--and the world that passes me by.

and He's been known to answer prayers.