disconnect.

to be honest, i'm in a bad mood.

i'm feeling a bit of disconnect lately. as if satan has unplugged my internal phone line that permits connection with the world around me.

maybe it is guilt. or maybe it is the overwhelmed feeling that seems to plague me each day as the books grow more "read here" tabs & the stacks of notes shoot themselves toward the heavens. perhaps it is that nasty feeling if discontentment that sneaks up on me like the boogy-man...& is probably the same amount of scary.

it's not that i'm not happy. oh, i am. even school these days is finally starting the synthesize. i had my first "real supervisor-free" patient a couple of days ago. i walked into the room & felt like i knew what to do--cardiovascular exam, respiratory, DTR's, cranial nerve evaluation, etc. and the truth is that it felt good. good to know that all the zero's that are after the $$$ attached to my name actually mean something.

and jon & i are happy--at least i am :) (i'd hope he would agree). don't get me wrong, i find myself often frustated with our situation & only seeing him twice each month. but he patiently reminds me that we chose this...and that God will get us through it.

and, for the most part, my life is pretty simple. and pretty happy...i guess.

but there is some inner turmoil lately. and it is stirring, rumbling, waiting to come to the surface. i know it. i can feel it. but i can't quite pinpoint it. like a volcano before it ruptures--a bit of seismic activity that even scientists can't pinpoint when or where the earth above the lava will finally break away.

it will happen--the explosion, i mean. except in the context of my life, i'm not expecting quite the spectacular display of colors & heat that volcanoes generate. but it will happen. and in the meantime, i'll just be waiting.