Thursday, February 07, 2008

disconnect.




to be honest, i'm in a bad mood.
i'm feeling a bit of disconnect lately. as if satan has unplugged my internal phone line that permits connection with the world around me.
maybe it is guilt. or maybe it is the overwhelmed feeling that seems to plague me each day as the books grow more "read here" tabs & the stacks of notes shoot themselves toward the heavens. perhaps it is that nasty feeling if discontentment that sneaks up on me like the boogy-man...& is probably the same amount of scary.

it's not that i'm not happy. oh, i am. even school these days is finally starting the synthesize. i had my first "real supervisor-free" patient a couple of days ago. i walked into the room & felt like i knew what to do--cardiovascular exam, respiratory, DTR's, cranial nerve evaluation, etc. and the truth is that it felt good. good to know that all the zero's that are after the $$$ attached to my name actually mean something.
and jon & i are happy--at least i am :) (i'd hope he would agree). don't get me wrong, i find myself often frustated with our situation & only seeing him twice each month. but he patiently reminds me that we chose this...and that God will get us through it.

and, for the most part, my life is pretty simple. and pretty happy...i guess.

but there is some inner turmoil lately. and it is stirring, rumbling, waiting to come to the surface. i know it. i can feel it. but i can't quite pinpoint it. like a volcano before it ruptures--a bit of seismic activity that even scientists can't pinpoint when or where the earth above the lava will finally break away.

it will happen--the explosion, i mean. except in the context of my life, i'm not expecting quite the spectacular display of colors & heat that volcanoes generate. but it will happen. and in the meantime, i'll just be waiting.

2 comments:

Slices of Life said...

just a reminder about what happens to a volcano after it erupts. the beautiful array of color, in its heat and intense turmoil down the mountain, turns to hard rock after it cools. after being molded into place, it hardens into something stronger. for the sake of you becoming stronger through your disconnect, i will pray you erupt soon. :)

Anonymous said...

my lil j, Wow, this was awesome to come to grips with some of your inner self today...some part that we never seem to get to in a verbal conversation, a deeper inner part you never seem to let me know about....I bowed and prayed as I read this, I prayed that God work through you with this. But here is my thought for today! I think that maybe God Himself is "the stir" the "unsettled middle," the "bubble" you might be feeling. He does that you know--He stirs us up to boiling before He shows Himself in a new way, before He reveals himself in a way we never dreamed of. Yup, I think it is excited tickles that God has placed in you that He is doing a might work...as only He can do! Bless you dear one <@>+< +++ >+<@>

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