so since this whole residency-thing started, i've felt a little...overwhelmed.
that might be an understatement.
i've been wandering around the hospital, as one of 'those interns' (you know, the one you certainly don't want to be) with patient discharge summaries STAPLED TO MY BACK. the janitor ran after me in the hallway and asked if i mean for a packet of papers to be dangling from my sweater. good thing the elevator FULL OF PEOPLE didn't mention anything. that would have been embarassing.
and although i'm handling it day-by-day, inside i'm a mess most of the time. the emotional breakdown has not yet approached but boy-howdy has it been close...
no tears have been shed in the making of this intern.
i confessed to jon tonight that i feel like my life is, once again, on hold. you know, come to think of it, this medicine adventure actually does require a lot of sacrifice. i was excited to learn before & just okay spending my days & nights cooped up in a little cabin in the middle of West Virginia. But now. now that he is home. now that we have a house. now that we have friends and wow, feel sort of --do i dare say it?--SETTLED, now i'm feeling the annoying stabs of this sacrifice.
certainly, don't get me wrong...i actually like what i'm doing. at 2:30 this morning when i was wandering the halls of the hospital, rummy & tired & trying to round on my last patients & discipline rambunctious teenagers that happened to think it was party-time, i whispered to myself, hey...this is kind of fun.
and it was.
i braved the 12-inches of new-fallen snow, and came home. after working 31 hours straight. made soup. and slept. until it was time for dinner. which is when i threw in the towel (literally) & we ordered a pizza. i plopped myself on the couch & painted my toenails... we watched Harry Potter while i caught up on emails & blogs. and in short, the night couldn't have been more perfect. more normal. more this-is-just-what-i-needed.
come to think of it, life right now is just-what-i-need. everyday, really. it is exhausting. i'm getting gray hairs. my dark circles around my eyes have been accessorized with a generous dose of pink eye over the last two weeks (stupid asthma kid who coughed in my face!!!). the dirty laundry piled up to explosive levels...and then was left in the washer too long so it soured. the leftovers have gone bad in the fridge. and my cleaning list has been covered in dust-bunnies. but this, right now, is right where God wants me. wants us.
and we're okay with that. 31-hour-call included.