I’ve been absent for a while, trying to keep up with the tides of life—always changing with the moon & the storms. To be honest, it feels like life has been a storm lately. The addition of a baby in the middle of residency has left us (me, really) treading water. It is exhausting. And just in the last couple of months, I feel like I’m finally coming up for air—or hanging on to a pool noodle. Either way, having Teaspoon around feels normal now (although admittedly I still sometimes wonder when the heck his parents are going to show up & relieve us, the ever-babysitters). Because if you didn’t realize, HAVING A KID IS A BIG RESPONSIBILITY.
When Teaspoon was about 3 weeks old, I made my way out of the house & joined a “Mom’s Group” (more like a help-me-I-have-no-idea-what-I-am-doing Support Group) for a couple of weekly meetings. And while the more seasoned mama’s sat in a circle & talked about yelling-matches with their teenagers & testing boundaries with their 3-year-olds, I sat there looking at this creature that had invaded our lives thinking HOLY HECK, what did we do?! I AM SO NOT READY FOR THIS.
But ready or not, here he comes.
I’m starting to find joy in the daily routine. The snuggles before bed. The cooing & splashing & spitting & open-mouth-kisses. I know that it all will change, it is all a phase/stage/season. I am, by nature, a pessimistic realist. And I’ve had to catch myself more than once, take a good self-inflicted whap upside the head, & refocus my positive energies toward soaking up this phase, this stage, this season. I am certainly not there…but I am working on it.
And the truth is that in the midst of all of it, we are thinking about major changes in our household. Moving. Jobs. Future; all trying to weave in the provisions of God’s plan & the preferences that overwhelm our hearts.
The amazing people around us have been through trials--& our hearts, our relationships, &our marriage have carried just a bit of their burden. Occasionally, we’ll pour out our breaking souls & shattered lives in fellowship. But most often I find that it is in the quiet of the wee morning hours or the end of the day that I find solace & peace. (Which is why I’m holed up in our freezing cold office at 9pm on a Saturday night…by myself). Despite the heartbreak &tincture of tears that have washed over us, we’re continually inspired by the will to move on, break in, & let go that radiates from the people affected. Lives are changed, y’all, & the change can’t be easy.
If anything, the events that have transpired with neighbors & friends & Believers, have been a reality check—for us, for our hearts, & for our marriage, that we are not immune from the woes of the World, that we are a fallen people who desperately need rescuing, & that we have much to learn about the mysterious ways of God.
For the third time now, I’ve (re)started reading Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges, if for nothing else than a gut check. My heart, despite every ounce of blessing, has been overtaken with bitterroot more times than I’d like to admit over the past year. I’ve strayed from focused time in the Word. I’ve brushed off the drive to treat my body as a temple for the Holy Spirit. I’ve struggled with the attachment to materialism (once again). And now more than ever—at this point of uncertainty in our lives—I’m finding the need to cultivate the home, the heart, & the health that God calls us to so boldly.
Jon has been incredibly supportive, continually amazing me with his choices toward family & faith. The adjustment with Teaspoon has been a hard road for him, too—my moods, the post-partum woes that invaded our relationship, & a shift in the corporate ladder for him. We keep talking about new adventures, wild & crazy ones that probably won’t ever come to fruition--& in the midst of it all, he is learning the new me. I’m more convinced than ever before that once you become a mama, God flips a neurotic switch in your brain…& suddenly nothing is good enough & there is always too much laundry & never enough time & the days become shorter & nights become longer & hair becomes grayer & heart becomes fuller. And when the switch is flipped, the world’s axis tips just a little bit—bucking your loved ones on their rumps until you decide to climb off the saddle of self-absorption & i-have-a-newborn-focus & lend a hand to help them up.
It took me a long time to help Jon up.
So all in all, we are alive. This space will be sparse. And it might become a Teaspoon-gallery. But I miss writing. I miss the mind-dump feeling of accomplishment after I hit publish. And since I’ve been constantly inspired by the everyday of this space, I want to have those thoughts for my kids (if they ever care enough to read them)…& for the other mama’s who feel crazy & loved ones who haven’t been helped up yet.
Life is constantly changing. And even though I would love to find an altitude to cruise at for a while, I have a bold feeling that life doesn’t really work that way. God ordains change in our lives, challenge in our hearts, & combat in our minds to draw us closer, hug us tighter, & help us up.