heaven.

oh man. i got a little piece of heaven here today. and bbbooooyyyy was it nice. rain + chai + being outside on my porch in the middle of the storm = me very happy :) (even though i was doing homework).

this past week went by SOOOOO s....l....o....w....l....y...... by wednesday i though it had to be friday...then when friday came, i couldn't actually believe it was here. and speaking of friday, i went to the "first cut party" thrown for the freshmen. it was in a cow pasture out in the country. and, with my great luck, i managed to step in a giant pile of cow poo with flip-flops on. it was slimey....gross. but despite the little bit of the party i took home with me on my feet, i also took home a bit of optimism--about the people here, about the community here; about the fact that i am thinking that i chose the right place--or, rather, the right place chose me.

and on a more scholastic note, we started anatomy last week. and starting anatomy means we started in the cadaver lab. and there has been quite a bit that has happened since our first day of lab on tuesday:

i have decided to (temporarily) take a subbatical from eating red meat and crackers in my soup as a result of my (awesome) observations in the lab. the red meat looks just like human muscle and the crackers-in-soup heavily resemble adipose tissue. too much for me.

my emotions have been on a roller coaster--perhaps coming to grips with the fact that i am working on dissecting someone's grandma has gotten under my skin--or theirs (yes, pun was intended).

and we, as first year students, got "the talk". you know the one that you always hear phantom whispers of in medical school?? the talk that tells us we must dissociate--we must, from this point on, throw our emotions by the way-side when situations arise where human emotionality is not welcome. people are depending on us, on our stoic grace and our knowledge base, to successfully support, treat, and hopefully heal themselves and those they love. emotionality has its place in the comfort of life outside of doctor-hood, they told us; but seldom does it find itself comfortable within the profession.

and, as a result of this talk, i've had to re-evaluate myself, my own desires, and my future profession. and quite frankly, i disagree with them. yes, there is a place for emotion. and although medical professionals are supposed to be strong and courageous and knowedgble, they are also people. people who chose a hectic lifestyle of dedication to their patients, their communities, the greater world of healing arts because it moved something inside of them, it attracted their hearts and stimulated their minds to actively pursue health in others. and because they are people, who happen to be doctors, if a situation arises where human emotionality is stirred enough to flow out from the depths of its storage place, i say let it loose--let the tears and joy and sorrow and excitement and refreshment and disappointment and tradgedy and grace flow freely.

patients see the doctor side in humans through diagnosis and the human side in doctors through emotions. i think my patients deserve to see the whole me.