unfolding.

it is odd, really. the way life unfolds sometimes. the way we are completely out of control--although more often than not i pretend that i am. because like most, control is a good thing for me. control of my life, my days, my decisions. but then God throws curve balls. maybe just to remind me that He is in control. maybe to make me trust Him more (the thing about my faith i struggle with the most). or maybe to tell me to just let go.

we all have to let go at some point. with that innate fear that when we loosen that white-knuckled grip on whatever it is we are holding, it might not return to us. and the truth is that we all hold onto different things. relationships. money. scheduling. materialism. respect. security. things that, for the most part, are entirely temporary--they won't last beyond this life, much less into the next century. and because they are temporary we've got to move beyond them at some point.

but moving on is hard. and there is a delicate balance that hangs between the stages of hanging on & letting go; a teetering scale that sways to the left with each bit of sacrifice and back to the right with every ounce of selfishness. and if it goes on long enough, the swaying might drive you crazy--crazy enough to just give it all up & take it all back--whatever it was you were letting go.

there is a lot going on here. not in the physical world i live in...but most certainly in my mental candy land. lots of thoughts. lots of "what if's". and lots of questions.

timing for the future will certainly need to be hand crafted by God himself. i don't think the world is civil enough to align the stars & calendars in our favor. and to be frank, i'm a bit (okay, a lot) worried about it. the great sundial, as it looks right now, is one big shadow. and although i know nothing can or will be perfect, i'm just praying that i'll be strong enough to let go & let God.

because this isn't the way i would have planned it. and the way it is planned now is actually the situation i thought God would never dump in our laps--just because it would be too funny of Him to torture us with yet another year (or 3) apart. but alas, He is a funny, funny God.

and so all i can do is trust. which seems like the hardest thing to do right now. but like Houdini, my hands are tied behind my back. and life is getting ready to dunk me in that water tank.

and i've got to trust that God has the key to my straightjacket.

dear jon.

so i'm just sitting here. just finished my lectures for tomorrow. my butt hurts--i've been sitting on it all day.

i'm listening to a great mix of songs online (on someone's blog). { "dream" by priscilla ann } and i was just thinking about you. the song is about a "dream" (go-figure, huh??). and the girl in the song is ready to die...essentially. kind of morbid, i know. but it made me think about how amazingly COOL marriage is.

the fact that we get to be best friends. AND live togther (someday). AND just experience life together.

i think about your parents...and in their almost-30-years of marriage just how much they have been through together. and that is JUST SO COOL.

and i'm excited to experience life with you. God's got great things planned--I know He does.

things that we could not even dare to dream.

and joys we haven't been prepared yet to experience.

but that is just the point...the "experience".

and i'm SO LUCKY to do life with you.

LOVE YOU.

~ me :)

dear bathroom designers...

dear bathroom designers...

i am writing to you to plead my case. and actually, i'm wondering if your logic was somehow misplaced when you designed the bathrooms at my school. you see, THEY LACK VENTILATION. there are many things i enjoy about using the facilities that you so time-consumingly designed: the graffitti-free stalls, the calming minty green color (the minty part of which in no way reflects on the smell of the area), and the coordinating sinks & toilets (was it hard to find those fine white thrones??). but i must say, that YOU WERE OBVIOUSLY ON DRUGS when you finalized the bathroom ventilation system because, oh...there ISN'T ONE.

you know, the truth is that i usually only use public bathrooms in dire, i-might-die-if-i-don't-pee-now-situations. but i do know quite a few--judging by the smell--that feel comfortable to dump last nights (or last weeks, depending on their fiber intake) dinner in your diamond white porcelin thrones. and while the bathrooms sleek & stylish facade look clean, that is exactly what it is....a facade. because judging by the potency of the smell (which is often noticable outside the bathroom door), there are E.coli & salmonella particles floating around and up my nostrils when i just happen to use the potty in urgency.

so please, for the sake of sanity, sanitary-ity, and BASIC PLEASURE...install bathroom FANS in the next set of school bathrooms you design.

thank you--from my nostrils....to my....nostrils.

Yours Truely,

The Nose