i get it.

i get it now. i finally understand what they've been talking about for so long. and no matter how great the spoken lesson, it was one i had to experience, to feel, before i really, truly could grasp the ginormity of its importance.

i get it now. it all makes sense. the many years of feeling alienated. the many weekends spent alone. and the many, many struggles that God helped me face alone. i get that He wanted me to grow. to learn to depend on Him.

because He knew i would have to later.

and the things they've been telling us? the things about learning how to be fully & totally comfortable with yourself before you move on to being comfortable with someone else; learning how to love God with ALL your heart & soul & mind & strength--not just the part that isn't loving your spouse or family or friends, but loving Him with ALL that you have; learning how to put aside your own desires for those of Someone better & bigger & wiser than you'll ever be. i get it now.

because life is too big to deal with on my own.

and humanity isn't strong enough to conquer & quell the fears & frustrations & faults that have built up inside of me.

i get it. i need God.

and He needs me to give Him ALL i've got.

the other half of me.

God brings death and God brings life,

brings down to the grave and raises up.

God brings poverty and God brings wealth;

he lowers, he also lifts up.

He puts poor people on their feet again;

he rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope,

Restoring dignity and respect to their lives—

a place in the sun!

For the very structures of earth are God's;

he has laid out his operations on a firm foundation.

He protectively cares for his faithful friends, step by step,

but leaves the wicked to stumble in the dark.

No one makes it in this life by sheer muscle!

God's enemies will be blasted out of the sky,

crashed in a heap and burned.

God will set things right all over the earth,

he'll give strength to his king,

he'll set his anointed on top of the world!

-1 Samuel 2:6-10

i'm feeling today. feeling that i miss him. feeling that this year has gone by so fast--and so slow. feeling that life is short, i am human, and love is deep. i'm feeling today that the future is uncertain; but that is how it is supposed to be. feeling frustrated with myself & a bit discouraged about my situation.

but i'm feeling something else, too.

i'm feeling God working. finally. as if He had stopped for a coffee break. i'm counting my blessings, instead of paying more attention to my have-nots. and i'm ever-so-slowly working on trusting.

so today i'm feeling. so many things. love. life. breath. cold. uncertainty. frustration. admiration. distraction.

and hope.

help.

i need help today. remembering why i am here, 5 hours away from my husband. i need help remembering why i came here in the first place, signing up for who-knows-how-many-years apart. and i need help knowing that we made the right choice in the first place...and really, that everything is going to be okay.

because it is days like these that drag on. that make it seem like decades from now that we might, possibly live together. eons into the future that the globe might align to make us at least next door neighbors...and centuries until we just see each other again.

i know that some people are much worse-off. i know that there are women who haven't seen their husbands in 15 months, or more. and i am lucky. i do know that much.

but it still doesn't help with the feelings. given, it makes it just a little harder to feel sorry for myself. God wacks me upside the head with a humble stick when he floods my brain with those stories of years apart during WWII. and i can't sulk in my own misery.

my humanity wants to know. that the future will work out. that we will be okay--that we'll at least live together sooner than later. and that this crazy decision (that on days like today i am tempted to regret) was the right one.

i guess that is where i have to learn to TRUST.
and that is the part i'm having trouble with.

wasting time.

so i'll admit it: i've wasted the last 1.5 hours (of which i was supposed to be testing & studying) just doing nothing. and i'll also admit that doing nothing, except eating popcorn and surfing the web is perhaps the most glorious thing i've done all week.

i mean, don't get me wrong, cleaning the bathroom and doing my dishes is almost as fun as a trip to the moon, but this popcorn & internet thing could seriously become a habit....and not a good one, at that.

i've been almost obsessed lately with projects. probably for the sole reason that i don't have much time to do anything other than study & sleep (the latter of which i'm lucky to get). i spend all my days with my nose (or face, if i happen to fall asleep) in a book. and then go to the gym to debrief. nothing like lifting weights to the sweet sound of pathologies running through my head. :)

but this fascination i've had lately with creativity probably won't come to any sort of substantial or tangible thing for oh, the next 5 years while i finish up my training. i mean, who knows, maybe the hospital will hire me to scrapbook about their crisp linens (free of blood stains!) and mint-green stairwells. and maybe they'll even offer to pay back all my loans if i scrapbook the stairwells well enough.

wishful thinking.

in the meantime, though, i'll just continue to drool. on my books when i fall asleep in them. and at the days of the women whose lives are filled with creative portals of paper and fabric and scissors and glue.

someday i'll get bitten by the creative bug again. but until then, i'll just keep scratching at that invisible itch.....