i'm over it.

so really, i'm over it all. school. studying. the excitement of becoming a "doctor"--like it was something special in the first place. i'm just over it. ready to be done. not even with studying...not even with boards (although those too fit in the category of "will be beyond elated when over")...just with this whole situation. i'm getting tired of it. no, in fact. i'm already tired of it. and we've still got a long way yet to go.

i think my original perception of what this journey would be like was pretty accurate. i thought it'd be hard--nobody expects this sort of school (where you learn to be in charge of other people's LIVES) to be easy. i mean, who knew there were like 32 bones in the human ear. God, you got WAYYY to detailed on that creation--tone it down a little, dude.

what i certainly didn't expect, though, was to be so disheartened from the experiences of others in this profession. i know that i want to be there for my family. i know that i want to be available to our kids--whenever they may decide to show up on our doorstep (that is how it works, right??). and i know i want to the best wife i can be. but from the remarks of so many other women professionals, IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE to have both. and that makes me sad. sad because i was told in the beginning that it was possible--although i've had to adapt to the fact that i won't be able to give my 200% to both...which has become okay with me. sad because this field that seems so "portable" & "family oriented" really truly is those things...for the patients. and sad because i feel like the magic of this entire adventure has been widdled away to a pathetic little ember whose light doesn't seem likely to last the next two years until graduation.

so the truth? i'm just over it. i'm ready to be done. ready to move on. ready to move in with my husband. ready to be available to HIM before my own selfish ambitions of career & world-betterment. ready to shovel away this pile of debt & textbooks & brain space & bury it in the grand canyon.

maybe these feelings are normal. some statistic spouted out last week that something like 72% of med students are actually clincally depressed at some point in their education was probably true. and the reality is that it is laughed at, accepted as "the way med school goes"...and left between the highlighted pages of our psychiatry textbooks.

but then again, maybe these feelings aren't normal. i'm supposed to be ("supposed" to--as in, that is what the world is telling me) enjoying this time of my life...of my marriage...of my friendships.

and yet here i sit. in hick-town, USA. freshly returned from a shopping spree at walmart where i bought all that i needed--a new toothbrush & a vanilla candle. my husband is 360 miles away. i've got a stack of notecards taller than my head to get through by tomorrow night. and boards coming in something like 68 days (but who's counting, right?).

and i'm totally, completely, entirely over it.

vent over. i needed that.