rounding the bend.

this is it--well, almost. only 4 more days of PBL (my learning track here @ school). hard to believe that two years has passed since i first got here. hard to believe how much has happened since i got here--and really, how much i've changed.

i'm feeling that this transition will bring new types of challenges i've yet to encounter in my life thus far. unpredictable swings of ups & downs that i can't yet begin to fathom. and i'm guessing that i'll be an entirely different person by the time this whole journey is over, i'm just hoping it is for the better.

and yet, admist these outer stressors of testing & Board-studying (or lack thereof) & mandatory medical jurisprudence classes, there is also an inner turmoil that i can't quite shake. perhaps its the internalization of the various things in my life right now that make me want to crawl back in bed some mornings. or maybe its just that i'm realizing the reality of this dream--the reality of medical school & responsiblity & doctor-hood...and how it is (& will) affect[ing] my life, my family, & my relationships.

i certainly didn't expect all of this to be easy. i didn't expect to glide through this schooling process or have a lot of time to reflect, pray, or shave my legs. but i also didn't expect to be so unsettled about this whole journey. as the days progress, i am yearning for something more. more than handing out drugs to hypertensive patients who are 57 pounds overweight and consider exercise a walk to the mailbox. something more than filling out paperwork and constantly covering my tail so the big-bad-lawyers don't come knocking at my door. and something more than putting a bandaid on the ingrown nail of a 34 year old man's pinky finger because he never learned how to groom himself properly.

it is disheartening, really. to see our country in such a state of dis-health, un-health, NON-health. disheartening for those of us who will one day be in charge of handing out "quick fixes" that cause renal failure & liver damage. disheartening for those of us who chose this profession to help people...and find ourselves less-than-satisfied with our careers because of the paperwork & insurance reimbursement (what reimbursement??) & patients who don't care to take care of themselves.

but regardless of all bad that is out there, awaiting my arrival, i'm trying to stay optimistic. i take Board exams in 52 days and have piles (literally) of material to get through. there are systems i haven't even covered yet. and microbes i don't even know exist.




and i'm not going to lose hope. God has been so faithful thus far & i know He won't give up on me now. i'll get through this. ...and look back & wonder why i was so stressed out.

i'm going to try to be my own best patient. which means eating better. working out more. getting my sleep. and taking care of myself--which i seem to have neglected lately.

little strings of hope knit together my days. its not much at times, but it's all i've got to hang on to right now.

and i'm hanging on tightly.