it's all too easy.

i've been distracted lately. and for those who know me, it really isn't anything new.

but this is a new kind of distraction. one that concerns me more than anything else--and makes me nervous about my future...nervous about what my career might mean for our future. and makes me wonder how the thoughts i have racing through my head got there in the first place.

i'm done with Boards. and according to the medical school rumors that fly around like ghosts in the night, scores for my test date are supposed to be released on friday. so given, i'm a bit (okay, a LOT) on-edge this week. i'm distracted. annoyed. anxious. and totally, completely, FREAKING OUT. i've come to realize that i am the queen of pessimism. i prepare myself for the worst, convince my anxiety-laden-self that it will, for sure, happen the way i've prepared myself, wince when i find out the outcome, and breathe a sigh of relief when the Good Lord hands me a better run of cards than i planned on. and in all truth, my pessimistic nature isn't the best approach to life. it isn't good for my health or my psyche, nor is it healthy for my relationships.

and so i'm waiting on scores, finding it all-too-easy to put on my "hat of negativity" and let the smile that could have been on my face evaporate in the 85% humidity.

i don't like my rotation. and to be honest, i haven't been enjoying Family Medicine as much as i expected. and it is a let down. kind of like when you are craving a giant bowl of delicious ice cream & open up the carton only to find that your husband only left one measley spoonful. i was expecting a deluxe ice cream sunday...and i feel like i've only found stacks of paperwork, lack of procedures, fat people with ridiculous complaints, and patients who don't know how to take care of themselves.

maybe my bitterness--you know, the perspective i swore i'd avoid during my medical career?--has gotten the best of me. maybe my impatience has reached its peak, especially when patients come in with a request for hang nail removal...and i walk in the room to find that their toenails are 5 feet long and haven't been clipped since the Ice Age. and maybe my resistance for idiocy is wearing down because of the patients that come in asking ridiculously obvious questions with stupidly obvious answers.

maybe all of it--this WHOLE medicine-thing is just wearing. and i'm not even in practice yet.

WHICH IS MOST CONCERNING OF ALL.

but jon reminded me of something today when he grabbed my face & told me he loved me. he reminded me that no matter how horribly i was graded on my Case Study, no matter how much i depend on my knowledge of this healthcare field, it doesn't matter. if i fail the Boards, if i fail a class, if i am criticized for everything i do by my supervisors, it still doesn't matter. because my focus has been all wrong. like a camera with bad lighting who can't quite find the subject, i've been straining to find my place admist what seems like craziness....

the only problem is that i've been focusing on my performance instead of my PURPOSE.

my PURPOSE during this journey is not to get good grades. it is not to pass the Boards (although that would certainly be nice). it is not to make friends or help the most people. and it is not to show the world that i can be the best student doctor that ever walked this earth.

no, my friends. my PURPOSE here is to pour out grace to those who are poor in spirit. my PURPOSE here is to lend a comforting hand to those who are mourning, to feed the hungry when i have little to spare, and to seek a pure heart. my PURPOSE here is to shine the light of Christ into every heartbeat, to show compassion to those whose lives have been bumpy & broken, and to stand for what i believe in regardless of the trying circumstance.

my PURPOSE here, at this time in my life, is to leave all preconceived notions of performance behind. and to embrace a plan for my life, mastered by the Creator. a plan that may involve hardship, disappointment, poor grades, roadblocks, and failure. and to never forget that the Creator is creating something within me that will outlast any Board scores, patient complaints, peer reviews, & transcripts.

my PURPOSE here is to live. and to love. fully. completely. entirely.