meet jack.

our neighborhood two eared, hopping friend.

he is small. and tiny.

and cute-ish.

and quite picky about the carrots he eats.

when i asked jon where he thought his mom was, he told me maybe he doesn't have one. which immediately brought me back to the traumatic first time i watched Bambi as a child. i balled. beside myself, i balled. tears streamed down my red cheeks. i remember hiding under the blanket i was wrapped in. because i didn't know what had happened to Bambi's mama. and then when the truth came out that the cute little white-tailed deer was all alone, it was more than my heart could take.

and so i certainly hope that our little rabbit friend jack has a mama. because i'm emotional enough these days. another outbreak might just make my eyes swell shut. or my tears dry up. or my cheeks turn permantly red. and with another emotional outbreak, i might just climb under the covers of my bed and stay there until june 2010 when i'm supposed to graduate & jon is supposed to be back from deployment and korryn is supposed to throw that ugly square cap in the air and move onto college; when my days will have their own sets of challenges that aren't on the horizon yet.

yes, june 2010. i think i can manage to sleep until then under my blanket. as long as my mama comes to visit.

love.

can i grow old with you?

PLEASE??!!?

delish

in an effort to embrace the peak of summer, i'm excited to get my teeth into one of these. because even though there are fresh veggies & fruits everywhere, i'm still one of those weirdos that eats soup on a 100 degree day.

and i'm also one of those weirdos who isn't grossed out by blood or guts but might barf if you flick a clipped toenail on me. but that's another story.

and i'm aware that after that statement about teeth sinking into things, i might sound like a vampire. or rabbit. either one, depending on whether you favor Rabbit in Winnie the Pooh or that red, iron-rich substance that runs through our bodies.

personally, i'll take Pooh anyday.

household EUREKA!! #1

see that fancy bottle of smell-ness? that you are supposed to spray on your couch & curtains & sniff for hours? you know, like the commercials? yeah, that one....in the photo?

well little did you know that it has been holding out on us. its been a two-timing bottle of smell-ness magic. all this time sitting in my cupboard working its magic at night when in fact, it has had a day job all along.

occuption: FLY KILLER.

its pretty cool stuff. and if you are cool like me, you can pretend you are on a wild safari hunt & the bottle of smell-ness is a taser gun that paralyzes the flies. because lets be honest, that really is what it does!

directions:
1. find nasty germ-munching fly
2. recruit bottle of smell-ness from its slumber in the cupboard
3. sneak up on germ-munching fly
4. spray
5. wipe paralyzed fly up with kleenex
6. wash hands
7. wash hands again
8. take off sanitary suit & remove biohazard tape from area

oh wait. nix #8. that is my other job.

but i'm totally serious. you should try it. and if you don't own a bottle of smell-ness, you should buy one. and if you don't have any flies to kill, you should get some.

if for no other reason than to pretend you are on a wild safari with a taser gun.

in celebration.

well. it's official.

I PASSED.

i found out last night around 6pm. and after my semi-panic attacks each day this week, my armpits decided they were tired of the profuse sweating that happened each time. so they quit--shortly after i found out i wouldn't have to sit through another 8-hour-finger-print-taking test. THANK THE LORD.

we celebrated with dinner, that was really mostly for our anniversary last week. we just didn't have time before last. and i ate way more than i was supposed to. but that has become a regular thing anyhow, so whats new right? after dinner we headed out to a local (crazy!) piano bar for my first social hour since 2006. okay just kidding. but not really.

this morning my eyes popped open at 6:30 (involuntarily, can you believe it??). and since jon was snoring away, i figured i'd make the best use of my time by heading out to some yard sales on post. but i was sorely disappointed to find that all of them were full of pink & blue & toys for tots. and since we won't be needing any of that anytime soon, i stayed in my car & returned home within 30 minutes of leaving.

but it was still early. so i decided to play june cleaver & make fresh bread. what else do people do on saturday morning?
breadmaking adventures lead to a cleaning spree. and then paperwork. and then a long long nap on the couch.

my special request in celebration of passing was a giant milkshake and a trip to the dollar store. jon supported my reversion to childhood & even opened the door for me during our outing (well, he always does that...).

and i'm happy to announce that in addition to the 5 pounds i just gained from drinking the entire milkshake, the dollar store treated me well also. gosh i love that place!


church tomorrow. more cleaning. and the best part?

NO MORE STRESS about Step 1....

more perspective coming soon....

it's all too easy.

i've been distracted lately. and for those who know me, it really isn't anything new.

but this is a new kind of distraction. one that concerns me more than anything else--and makes me nervous about my future...nervous about what my career might mean for our future. and makes me wonder how the thoughts i have racing through my head got there in the first place.

i'm done with Boards. and according to the medical school rumors that fly around like ghosts in the night, scores for my test date are supposed to be released on friday. so given, i'm a bit (okay, a LOT) on-edge this week. i'm distracted. annoyed. anxious. and totally, completely, FREAKING OUT. i've come to realize that i am the queen of pessimism. i prepare myself for the worst, convince my anxiety-laden-self that it will, for sure, happen the way i've prepared myself, wince when i find out the outcome, and breathe a sigh of relief when the Good Lord hands me a better run of cards than i planned on. and in all truth, my pessimistic nature isn't the best approach to life. it isn't good for my health or my psyche, nor is it healthy for my relationships.

and so i'm waiting on scores, finding it all-too-easy to put on my "hat of negativity" and let the smile that could have been on my face evaporate in the 85% humidity.

i don't like my rotation. and to be honest, i haven't been enjoying Family Medicine as much as i expected. and it is a let down. kind of like when you are craving a giant bowl of delicious ice cream & open up the carton only to find that your husband only left one measley spoonful. i was expecting a deluxe ice cream sunday...and i feel like i've only found stacks of paperwork, lack of procedures, fat people with ridiculous complaints, and patients who don't know how to take care of themselves.

maybe my bitterness--you know, the perspective i swore i'd avoid during my medical career?--has gotten the best of me. maybe my impatience has reached its peak, especially when patients come in with a request for hang nail removal...and i walk in the room to find that their toenails are 5 feet long and haven't been clipped since the Ice Age. and maybe my resistance for idiocy is wearing down because of the patients that come in asking ridiculously obvious questions with stupidly obvious answers.

maybe all of it--this WHOLE medicine-thing is just wearing. and i'm not even in practice yet.

WHICH IS MOST CONCERNING OF ALL.

but jon reminded me of something today when he grabbed my face & told me he loved me. he reminded me that no matter how horribly i was graded on my Case Study, no matter how much i depend on my knowledge of this healthcare field, it doesn't matter. if i fail the Boards, if i fail a class, if i am criticized for everything i do by my supervisors, it still doesn't matter. because my focus has been all wrong. like a camera with bad lighting who can't quite find the subject, i've been straining to find my place admist what seems like craziness....

the only problem is that i've been focusing on my performance instead of my PURPOSE.

my PURPOSE during this journey is not to get good grades. it is not to pass the Boards (although that would certainly be nice). it is not to make friends or help the most people. and it is not to show the world that i can be the best student doctor that ever walked this earth.

no, my friends. my PURPOSE here is to pour out grace to those who are poor in spirit. my PURPOSE here is to lend a comforting hand to those who are mourning, to feed the hungry when i have little to spare, and to seek a pure heart. my PURPOSE here is to shine the light of Christ into every heartbeat, to show compassion to those whose lives have been bumpy & broken, and to stand for what i believe in regardless of the trying circumstance.

my PURPOSE here, at this time in my life, is to leave all preconceived notions of performance behind. and to embrace a plan for my life, mastered by the Creator. a plan that may involve hardship, disappointment, poor grades, roadblocks, and failure. and to never forget that the Creator is creating something within me that will outlast any Board scores, patient complaints, peer reviews, & transcripts.

my PURPOSE here is to live. and to love. fully. completely. entirely.

i'm officially....

...completely oblivious to some things. well, a LOT of things (more than i'd like to admit). but perhaps my best blonde moment is the fact that i spelled "breatHing" wrong at the top of my blog banner...and did NOT NOTICE until this morning, approximately 3 months after i changed it.

wow. perhaps a trip back to 2nd grade spelling would be good for me.

summer ice cream.

wanna know what is great? like so great you might wet your pants. or want to kiss your elbow. or give a giant bear hug to the next person you see?







Breyers came out with lactose free ice cream. which means i can eat as much as i want without (ehem!) unwanted consequences. i've consumed 1/2 gallon this week. how about you?



add some fresh raspberries. and caramel. and raw almonds. and chocolate. and lots of "yums" while making.



and prepare your tastebuds for their transport to heaven.



well, almost.



[and if that doesn't look like the yummiest thing in the world to you, perhaps you should kiss your elbow & give a giant bear hug anyway!]

see jon jump

{equipment drop}

{see my shadow??}

{first pass...}

{second pass}

{jon is second in from far right...}

our eden.

we have not inherited the Earth from our ancestors,

we have borrowed it from our children.

-Native American saying-

you know, this whole "go green" trend is kind of ridiculous. i mean, don't get me wrong--i have a strong desire to preserve Mother Nature & be as energy + materially efficient as possible during my short stay here on Earth. but i think the most frustrating thing is the mindset of too much good-and-plenty that American's have adopted. and it is mostly frustrating because it is just that...a trend..which means that someday it will wear off like the last pair of bell-bottoms or blue suede shoes.

it is an anomoly to me that i have become so self-centered that each week when i wheel my smelly, decomposing left overs out to the sidewalk it doesn't phase me that there is another human being that has to handle it. and yet another that has to look at it. and many many more that have to smell it. and it especially doesn't phase me that there are things in my measley bag of trash that will take decades to decompose. and in the meantime give off chemicals & protein compounds that will destory the natural flora of the soil around it. and mess up the eco system entirely.

i'll never forget an article from the Tri-City Herald i read in high school. it was about being more aware of what--and how--we dispose of our "unneeded" waste. they produced a time grid of one dump in a big city and tracked one specific dump spot back to the 1970s (remember this article was published around 2001). and after digging through layers of rotting bananas and last years 'treasured' Christmas presents from the subsequent decades, they came upon perfectly preserved trash bags. and inside those perfectly preserved trash bags were perfectly preserved fall leaves that someone had lovingly raked from their perfectly manicured yard. the point of the article, of course, was that those leaves could have...and should have ...been composted. but instead, here they sit almost 40 years later entirely untouched, full of their natural autumn color, because someone didn't have the fortitude to dig a hole in their own backyard and use natural fertilizer for their landscaping.

and that is just what gets me. plastic water bottles. individually wrapped 100 calorie packs that produce 23,458 times the amount of trash. and ziploc baggies that people throw in the trash as if they will magically disappear. because lets face it, the wonderful "lawn, sewer, and garbage" services that we all (hopefully) pay for does perform those disappearing miracles on our unneeded's each week.

i'm certainly not going to claim that i am perfect. in fact, i've got a long way to go. but there is a strong desire that continues to grow for us to live more efficiently. which, for us, means washing & reusing those ziploc baggies until they are filled with holes & no longer capable of containing foodstuffs. and opting for reusable nalgene's instead of plastic water bottles. and being as efficient as possible with the amount of trash we produce. living more efficiently also means growing more, composting more, and being more aware of the crap we are injecting into the Earth.

and this, our own microscopic Eden, is a humble (yet heartful) start.

early bird.

remember a few months ago when i was trying my best to become a morning person? remember that? well i think my life long quest is well on its way to victory. considering the fact that my husband leaps (literally, leaps) out of bed at 5am each morning, i don't have much room to brag about my morning glories....but i'm still bragging anyways.

i have to be at work each morning at 8am. which means that because i am supposed to be early each day to check on the patient we are going to see throughout the day, i actually have to be at work at 7:45...leaving the house no later than 7:30. and since i'm not much of a primper in the morning, it only takes me 35 minutes and 47 seconds to get ready--bed to door. but most morning there is that shower that i happen to fall asleep in more times than not. oops.

anyways.

i've been getting "up" at 5:30 most mornings with good intentions to work out. that hasn't happened so much. well okay, at all (with the exception of 3 mornings). and i'm sad to admit that as i keep driving through life, i am pretty sure that if i can't claim victory over my morning-ness, i won't ever work out again. its either morning or nothing.

and so THIS morning was quite a shock when i rolled over and saw 6:30 on my alarm clock. you see, i have this morning off from work (i'm supposed to be reading...oops) and don't have to show up until noon. and i woke up VOLUNTARILY with NO ALARM at 6:30 am. did you know that it is barely light by 6:30am?? i did. because i've been getting up at 5:30.

i won't tell you that i rolled over & slept until 8:30 (the hour at which my poor husband had been up for 3.5 hours). and that i am writing on here instead of reading. and that i am fully planning on working out but the Popcorn Moose Munch my mom bought me is sounding much better, even at 9am.

so yeah. early bird--that's me. and call me crazy, but i'd actually like to get up earlier. i'll have to talk to my REM cycle about that so as not to interrupt it.

i want a chicken.

so we planted a garden this year. {photos coming soon}. and our Eden consists of about 6 pots--3 of which have humanly edible materials in them (also known as food). and i kind of love it...a lot. we are anxiously awaiting the day when we get to pop a pepper off the vine & eat it. there is some sort of satisfaction in growing your own food; even though our entire harvest will likely consist of about 6 peppers, 8 tomatoes, & 4 cups of basil leaves.

but that is okay. at least we are growing something, right?

and oddly enough, this shot at growing my own green thumb has made me want just a little bit more...in the form of a chicken.

i went to the grocery store on Sunday and spent almost $10 on 4 dozen eggs. we may be over the top here, but we only buy the "cage free" eggs--guarenteed to have been plopped out by chickens who aren't stuck in cages & who aren't high on hormones. and there certainly is a difference in the consistency of the egg shell...which kind of makes me feel better.

okay i'm rambling.

anyhow, i told jon that since he eats so many eggs, we might as well purchase a chicken. and i was totally excited about it until i remembered that we live on an army post. and being that i haven't seen any farm animals here yet, i'm going to guess they aren't allowed.

we'll get a chicken someday. in the meantime, i'll just keep gazing into the eyes of my peppers.

i just can't seem to....

...spit up my words lately. i'm certainly inspired. i certainly haven't lost the desire to write. but i just can't seem to match up those times of inspiration with the time i happen to be in front of my computer.

so in the meantime, be patient.

good stuff is coming :)