someday when I learn....

It seems like an impossible large task—to know as much as physicians do. I know a lot of knowledge “comes with experience”, but I’m experiencing right now, aren’t I? My fear is that this year will pass…next year will pass…and I’ll still be walking into patients rooms with my head spinning & my knowledge bank crying out in terror “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU!!!”.

I have to keep in mind that this is only my second rotation. I’ve officially been out of the classroom for 10 active weeks. TEN. [And can I just say that it seems like decades?!]. But my overbearing tendencies to look toward the future are being just that again: overbearing. I’m thinking about how much time I don’t have left instead of how much time I do. I’m thinking about all the pages of textbooks left unturned instead of the myriad of highlighted words that stain the pages of the books that sit on my shelves. And I’m thinking about what the future might bring instead of how I’m going to handle it.

I’ll be honest: the next 22 months is a calendar of gargantuan intimidation. Where will I live? Who will I rotate with? Will Jon be okay? What will happen afterwards? Will I even get any interviews for residency? WHAT WILL MY LIFE BE LIKE?

Here I go again, dreaming of my crystal ball. Wasn’t it just last week that I was talking about trusting God more this year? ...