one.

I'm in the middle of reading Job. It is a great book--really puts a lot in perspective. In the chapter I read last night (26, maybe?), Job said that if he could find God, he'd march right up to Him and ask him WHY. WHY He is treating his child this way, WHY Job has to endure so much.

But, as Job says, He can't march up to Him and demand answers. He can pray, to a God we can't see, and trust that his words land on caring ears (can I get a Hebrews 11:1??). Because God knows what He is doing. No rhyme or reason. We just can't understand. Mainly because we can't see the other side. Our tendency...MY tendency is to reject what I don't like. Because it hurts. Because it isn't easy. Because I can't find reason behind it or purpose in it.

But we make it through.

I can't understand this lesson. I can't wrap my mind around this trial--right here, in my own life. I can't fathom this separation.

But this morning, I woke up. And right now in this moment I am breathing. Which is one VERY strong indication that my job on this Earth isn't finished yet--that God is still teaching me, loving me, growing me.

However painful or frustrating, hopeless or purposeless it might seem today, when God wakes me up again tomorrow, I can look back. Look back on today and say I made it. Each day is one day closer to the other side. Of this trial. Of this life.

And that is key. Each day--one day, one breath, one moment at a time.

today.

today my feelings of sadness overwhelmed me. sadness for this country--for the direction mankind is headed in. sadness for the hearts of the millions of people who are constantly searching and seeking...and constantly coming up empty. for the brokeness of sexuality--the lack of self-restraint. for the ideals that have been washed away, stomped on, ignored. for the parents are more interested in the new episode of their favorite TV show than the new episode in the lives of their children. for those who can't speak for themselves, their losses apparently less important than the forests and fishes. and for the infected, diseased, and sick--their voices drowned out by the narcotic-addicts and demanding quick-fixes that dishearten this nation's doctors.

sadness for the lives of the millions of people who will be lost tomorrow...today...in the next hour, minute...because we--the "lucky" ones--are too self-absorbed to look outside our clean glass windows and beyond the rooftops of our comfortable surburbia. today my feelings of sadness overwhelmed me. because i know why i am here...on Earth. i have purpose and fulfillment. something beyond material expectations, beyond the piety of wealth and earthen treasures. somewhere beyond this world...

and yet, there are so many others who don't know why they live. why they wake up each morning. who don't know who gave them life and breath. and who don't care, really.

i guess it is all about priorities.

and i am sad because i think America has theirs all screwed up.

the great freeze.

i love the movie Ice Age. i love kids movies in general, though. probably because my life is so often refreshed by kids--and their sense of humor. but Ice Age has to be a favorite. and although i really don't like being cold, thinking of the real ice age is kind of cool.

some say history repeats itself. weirdly enough, i found that to be true. :)

frozen. me. the ground. my car.

i wish i could freeze time, too.

there are just those days....

that i want to hibernate. hide from life. hide from everything and nothing at all. hide from the rigors of daily life, of people, of expectations--your own and those of others.

there are just those days that i want to scream and cry and sleep. and not wake up until things are over, settled, calm. that i want to quit. and not have to start again. that i want to finish. and not have to do all the work. there are just those days when life doesn't seem quite fair. when no one else on this earth can entirely relate to emotions and feelings and, even tears.

there are just those days when hard work seems to disappear within red marks on tests. when hours of rest disintigrate. and when the prospects of the future aren't quite as hopeful as they were last week.

there are just those days when hugs are needed. when tissue doesn't quite suffice as the shirt sleeve of a best friend. and when security in the arms of someone you love is hundreds of miles away.

today is one of those days.

BENEFIT of the DOUBT

i swear i've heard the saying a thousand times. maybe a million. but i've never actually thought about what it meant. until yesterday. until yesterday when i traveled for 14 hours. until yesterday when i almost missed one flight. until yesterday when i got lost somewhere in virginia for 40 minutes on a foreign highway with no exits to turn around. until yesterday when i got pulled over and got a $146 speeding ticket. until yesterday when i finally made it to my cottage. until yesterday, when i realized that in each circumstance i had a choice: to notice the fact that God gave me the benefit each time, despite my doubting His hand in each event.

i was supposed to get back to WV on friday. but a big storm dumped on Salt Lake City and cancelled my flight. benefit because i was secretly praying that i could have just one more day at home. thanks, God.

both my mom and i slept in and actually woke up at the time we were supposed to be at the airport. i proceeded to take a shower. and we left oh, 30 minutes later than we had initially planned. but it was perfect. neither of us freaked out. we were calm. composed. and smart--mainly because we used the kiosk to check-in and bypassed about 20 people waiting in line. definitely a benefit in starting my day.

i slept on my first two flights. with a complimentary dose of drool for the friendly passengers sitting next to me. haha. i look ridiculous when i sleep on planes--and apparently i drool as well.

my flight was a hour late getting in to Ohio. which gave me a whole 20 minutes to get on a shuttle to an entirely different terminal, walk 20 gates into the terminal, and find my flight. which i did. and i made it.

the nice people from the car dealership picked me up in my sparkly clean car that they washed and vacummed for me. i had to take "T" (who looks like a bouncer...oh wait...he is a bouncer for some big club in his spare time) back to the dealership. bad news, though, because he told me to go the wrong direction. so i drove. for 40 minutes. until i found my way back to the airport. then had to get gas. then had to go to the bathroom because by that time i had drank half of the latte i got at starbucks. but i finally got myself on the right road. upon which i apparently wasn't watching my speedometer. because i was going 73 in a 55 mph zone. oops. got pulled over. first speeding ticket ever. crap. $146 worth of a speeding ticket. i can't go to the court date because i have school. and i am a bit bitter about it.

but i was thinking last night as i was laying in my bed in my cottage in rural WV. the cop said he gave me the "benefit of the doubt". and at that statement, i had two choices. to look at the fact that i did, actually, receive a benefit because i did NOT get a ticket for 'reckless driving' like he threatened me with. or i could doubt that God's hand was in it at all--because i ended up getting lost and getting a ticket.

i guess i choose benefit. because God is at work. and maybe that cop--and that $146 ticket--saved me from hitting a deer on the road. or getting in an accident because i did not go one mph over the speed limit from that point on (& i doubt i will for the next few months, either). and God is at work because i got home and found a generous check from my Uncle & Aunt that covers the cost of the ticket. and God is at work because He made me laugh about it last night. laugh at myself. for being so careless. and with all that, there really isn't much room for doubt.

un-expectations.

so this morning i was thinking of winnie the pooh. and how (a) he was, when it comes down to it, quite a silly old bear and how he (b) he spontaneously made up words. perhaps like un-expectations. so today, this word is dedicated to good ol' winnie the pooh.

the word, taken by itself, probably could be misunderstood. like unkempt. or unconditional. or unruly. i could have called it mis-expectations. like mistake. or miserable. but alas, i did not. and un-expectations is what we are left with.

it is kind of like things completely unexpected...but future tense.

speaking of un-expectations, God has sure handed me a fair share lately. surprises. blessings. stress. stress. (did i mention stress?). and reminders of the incredible blessings of relationships (one in particular, actually).

surprises. did i mention how much i love phone calls? jon called me TWO DAYS IN A ROW :) which made me smile. a lot. and made me miss him. again. a lot. and i made sugar cookies yesterday afternoon. the surprise part of my baking experience was that they tasted like cornbread. don't quite know how that happened because i don't remember adding anything that actually had corn in it. but nonetheless, it was quite a shock to my tastebuds when i went to take a bit of sugar cookie and instead got a mouthful of cornbread-tasting goodness. AND i get to go home on saturday. which is 5 days away, in case you were wondering. and although my trip home isn't exactly a surprise (being that i know it is coming), i am thinking that God probably has a few surprises up His sleeves :)

blessings. wow. too many to count. i am reminded during this season each year. how lucky i am. how blessed i am. how much i don't deserve anything that i have. i've been listening to financial podcasts a lot. and have been constantly reminded that everything--every thing--belongs to God. and He is generous enough to let me use some of it, just for a little while. my education. my finances. my exercise schedule. my knowledge. my breath, even. and since it is His--all of it--He can take it away at any time. privledges. hopes. stuff. but the coolest thing is that, more times than not, He doesn't. He loves us enough to bless us. beyond our wildest imagination.

stress. school has officially taken over my life. and my brain. yesterday was the first time in a long time that i actually wondered what it would feel like if i hit my head against the wall. but God is giving me perspective--again. He probably gets tired of giving it to me so often. really tired of it. but these exams are just one set. in my entire life. just two days. of my entire life. i can't even remember most of my exams from undergrad. and again, i probably won't even remember this set in a few months either. i am just praying (really hard!) that God infuses my brain with knowledge and opens it up to a sponge-like state so it can absorb anything and everything that my eyes run across.

relationships. i've been smiling quite a bit the last couple days. probably cuz jon called. and probably cuz i got to talk to him for more than 5 minutes. yup. talk. like i would say something and he would respond. it is an amazing thing, actually. apparently that is what people use telephones for--hmm...who knew?? but other than being able to talk to him, our 'contact' was an incredible reminder of how much he means to me :) God has blessed me more than i ever dreamed. and for that i am eternally grateful. and as our paths continue to be paved by the Almighty paver-dude, my biggest prayer is for prepared hearts. for God's will. for God's plans--not ours. for God's hand in our lives and in our relationship.

so yeah. there are lots of un-expectations. surprises. love. grades. that boy. snow, maybe? not to mention a handful of blessings.

here's a shout out....

...to dr. a.t. still.

he was a genius.

yesterday in OPP we were working on myofacial release (where you move the 'layer' of tissue over muscles/nerves/arteries that is slightly dysfunctional & can cause lots of problems) and counterstrain (putting muscles in their relaxed positions to 'reset' them).

and guess what!??!

my TMJ is gone today.

it is amazing. for the first time in like 6 months (or more), no teeth clenching, no headaches, nothing :)

gosh i like that dr. still. he deserves a shout out today :)

so very {un}predictable

it is days like this--days where i shock myself with surprise emotion, days where i am overcome with "what if's" and "how comes"--that i am reminded how very {un}predictable life is. it is days like this that i am reminded how God controls this world. at His leisure. with us at the mercy of His pleasing. and it is days like this that i wish that i would have popped out of the womb with an instruction booklet and "how to do life" manual clutched in each hand.

But alas, i did not (probably to the relief of my mother).

i found myself crying today over tributes to friends lost to drunk drivers. over songs. over words, even. i could chalk it all up to stress, but i know there is something else there--something undefinable and un...grasp-able.

and so i found myself thinking. about how life throws so many curve balls. about my all-too-often selfish focus. about the man that Jesus was--and how incredible it would have been to know him. and i found myself thinking about just how fortunate i am. to have parents that love me. to have support and encouragement. to have my mom as my bestest girlfriend. and jon as my bestest boyfriend. to have my sisters as a spunky and refreshing support system. to havve lou as an incredible example of what a Godly man looks like. to have alec's energy & innocence. and a car to drive. and health. and a cozy bed to sleep in. and this crazy education. i was even thinking how fortunate i am to have lived past age 6--and each day after that. most of the worlds children die before they ever get to write their age as double digits, you know.

and so today i'm looking at life as a big box of surprises. and yeah, it'd be nice to have that "how to do life" manual. and i'd sure like instructions on some things--especially in light of what i'm learning at school these days.

but i guess that is part of the beauty of life. all the "what ifs" and "how comes". the emotions that surprise me...and make me thankful. because really, when it comes down to it, that is part of the beauty of knowing Christ--knowing that all really is so very {un}predictable...and knowing the One that makes it so.

reflection.

it isn't too often that i just lay in bed and think. but, whether it be my distracted psyche or misplaced mindset, i lately have found myself cozied up in between my sheets more often than ever before.

i can't quite pinpoint what it is, either. i know i am distracted. school seems to be a huge wet blanket that i can't quite get out from underneath. sometimes i feel like lewisburg is a cage--and that there is no escape from here. i don't know, really. i've just been uninspired lately. to read. to study. to socialize. to grow and learn and challenge myself.

it is a little disheartening, to be honest. i am not exactly sure what i was expecting when i signed up for all of this.....but it isn't panning out the way i thought it would. God has gotten ahold of my priorities and entirely realigned them, often making me question how things will work out in the end. i don't dare doubt my being here--God moved me across the country himself practically--but i do have a severe tendency to worry about the future.

perhpas--and i am hoping--that this is just a rutt. that christmas will be a nice recalibration. and i'll be back to my old self again in no time.

God is working now. i can't feel it at the moment, but i know He is. i just have to be patient enough to see the results.

who me?

so i was looking at old posts today. some of that writing stuff was pretty good! and i think to myself...there is no way i could have written that. so i just decided (about 30 seconds ago), that medical school has zapped my brain of all writing abilities. too bad, too. cuz i really enjoyed it.

perhaps i'll do something crazy this summer. like write a book.

any ideas on the subject? i'm wide open :)

sleep.

you know, i will admit that i am one lucky enough to not have much trouble sleeping. sure, i've had my fair share of nights where neither sheep nor happy thoughts lull me towards dreamland, but those nights are typically few and far between.

but lately that has been every night. i haven't slept well for a couple weeks now. and quite frankly, it is a little annoying, you know? i get all cozy in my bed--complete with 2 sweatshirts, flannel pants, my fleece sleeping hat, and warm socks--and then i lay there. for HOURS. i last saw the clock last night around 2:30. and i get up at 6:30. no big deal...i don't need much sleep. but honestly! i have to learn during the day...and apparently brains don't function well on 4 hours of sleep.

in fact, two people told me i looked like i was high today. perhaps the bloodshot eyes, dark racoonish circles, and general unkempt look gave me away. or perhaps i just haven't slept for days.

in all actuality, i think this is all God's idea. i know jon isn't sleeping much these days. and i think it is God's funny sense of humor that wants to connect us in our vastly different environments. so i just lay there. thinking about how jon probably isn't sleeping. and occassionally counting sheep. or spots on the ceiling. and (this is where it really gets fun) sometimes, when i am especially bored, i try to name all the muscles in the body.

fun, yeah?

heart.

it has been awhile. wayyy too long, actually since i last posted. and to be totally honest, i lost my username and password for awhile--THAT is how long is has been. but i am still here, still alive, still workin' away at life as it is thrown my way each day.

God has really been doing some cool things in my heart lately. you know that song by shawn groves?? the one about your heart being a 'house' that God comes in and remodels, throwing away all the junk and replacing it with unexpected things that you treasure much much more?

Welcome to this heart of mine
I've buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded
{Chorus}
Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I'm overwhelmed, I understand
I can't make this place all that You can

Lately I've been convicted of my Earthly tendencies. For things. For success. For respect from my colleagues and peers. For wealth. For temporary-ness. Maybe it is because I feel so isolated here. And I waste time on the internet, falling hook, line, and sinker for the cons of the do-their-job-well advertising companies that falsely tempt me into believing that i can't be whole or complete or happy until i have their product, and then another, and then another.

i recently listened to a sermon by Pastor Tim Lucas of Liquid Church, somewhere in NJ. The sermon series was titled "Money, Debt, & the Bible." In short, it was awesome. He talked about how we got to where we are today. That the average home in the 1950s, when people reported that they were generally most happy, was the size of today's 3-car garage. That we have moved from a society of purely "I need" (think pilgrims and food) to "I want" (look in the mirror). That we have largely fallen prey to a culture of vultures...to a culture where values and morals have been replaced by secular virtues and materialism.

i really don't want to be part of it. sometimes i seriously feel like moving to Africa. inspired by the story of Jim Eliot, i want my life to stand for something beyond myself, something out of this world.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

(Matthew 6: 19-21)

i guess i have to ask myself: is my heart in the right place? am i here, in school, for the right reasons? am i continually striving to look past myself, my selfish desires, and into the heart of God. and each day, when i close my eyes, can i hear God whisper in my ear, "Well done, my faithful servant."

i think i have some work to do.

life. leaves.

fall is here. 20 degree nights are here. and foggy mornings, too.

but autumn means winter which means home which means spring is coming which means jon will be closer which means anatomy will be over which means all of these things make jlyn happy.

i haven't been good about posting. but life (i.e., studying) always seems to get in the way. except today. because today i caught a case of the homework-blues. yes, again. too often these days. feeling like i need a break, a breather. i am beginning to feel trapped here. like i can't leave without guilt. like i don't really have a reason to leave, even if just for the day.

school is not excessively overwhelming all the time. at times, yes, it is more overwhelming than i ever expected it to be. but, then again, i didn't really have many expectations. and school, right now, is my life. i have to keep remembering that. i am blessed to be here alone--without the distractions of people i care about. and other than my cell phone & the internet, i am pretty much cut off from the rest of the world. no TV. no radio. no inlet to the craziness that this world is becoming.

and speaking of craziness...God has definitely reminded me this past week that i am not in control. of anything, really. i like to think that i am. i like to think that i can fill in my calendar and things will go as planned; that i can dream and my thoughts will magically gain physicality to become reality. but they don't...and they can't.

i can't control life. i don't own people. i can't plan. i don't know much about anything in comparison to God. and it is humbling. to know that i am not in control. to know that someone, someone much bigger and better and bolder than me is. someone who cares about me, who wants to give me what my heart desires; someone who loves me and who lived--and died--for me.

it is liberating--and at the same time completely scary--that there is a God who knows everything about me. now. yesterday. tomorrow.

will hunting.

no. not the movie. not like good will hunting. just will hunting. you know, searching, seeking, wanting, needing, and hopefully finding God's will.

it has been hard lately. to confess. to take time away from my daily chug to seek and to search. its been hard because i find myself putting in half the effort...making excuses...and tricking my heart into believing that i am really listening to what God is trying to tell me. when, in fact, i am not.

i think it is one of my temptations--to alter my state of thinking to the point where i can't decipher between the voice of the One who is speaking and the things that are all-to-often leading. its a mean trick satan plays--speaking in your ear while God is working on your heart. because guess what? i learned in anatomy that they are connected. and needless to say, no matter how hard you try to listen to God from your heart, satan always seems to sneak his way into conscious thought--constantly trying to alter God's message.

but the coolest thing, as i found out tonight, is that satan--being a bit inept--isn't BIG enough, GREAT enough, GLORIOUS enough to speak in other ways. he finds his comfy place--for me it is in my ear (for you, it might be in your eyes--him tempting you with what you physically see)--and sticks to it. doesn't change. doesn't move. but God can move. and God can change. and God can speak in many many different ways. sometimes He uses other people. sometimes He uses billboards or commercials or books or nail files (personal experience) or words. and (dare say) sometimes He even uses His word. and that is just what he did tonight.

as if my previous post wasn't indicative enough, i have been struggling a bit lately with my future. my 'type-A' tendencies tends to get ahold of me sometimes. i make lists. i fill out calendars. i brainstorm about time and dates and opportunities. i try to plan my life out. and then i stick to the plan i haphazardly throw together. it is disastrous sometimes. so i have been trying lately to just let go and let God. let God take control...of my lists (although i will still admit to making them), my calendars, my dreams and plans and dates and timeline. and He has--as much as i have let Him.

the purpose of my doing all this has been, primarily, in a fervent attempt to better follow His will for my life. all the while thinking that His will is something to be followed. i do best thinking about God sitting down at the beginning of time, pulling out a file with my name on it, and filling out the calendar for my life (similar to what i do when i haphazardly fill out my own...except God's calendar wouldn't be haphazard). in other words, i've always strived to seek God's will for me thinking that it was something to be sought-after, something He has to offer me, something He wants me to follow.

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. --Romans 12:1-2

that line that i bolded and redded and italicized? that line is equivalent to this one in the NIV:

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—

his good, pleasing and perfect will. --Romans 12:2(b)

so....the point of all this is that tonight God spoke to me. to my heart. and i couldn't hear anything thing satan was screaming in my ears. in fact, i still can't hear satan. it was like a lightbulb went on tonight. and it is SO cool.

God's will for my life isn't something to be sought or followed. it isn't something that He is just waiting to give to me. it is quite the opposite, in fact. God's will for my life is something He wants from me. something i have to offer him. i, little lousy me, have something to offer the Creator of the universe! and it is only through prayer, through searching and seeking and stopping my daily chug to actually find, that God will speak to my heart and reveal what it is He wants from me. i just have to be willing to give it to Him. and that, my friends, is the next hardest part.

what is He telling you to offer?

and.

balance isn't "either/or". balance is "and". --unknown

i was just wasting time on the internet. nothing new for me. except today has been an extreme case of the i-don't-want-to-do-my-homework-blues. sometimes it hits really hard. and i get, well, blue.

i've really been struggling lately with the idea of balance. not so much for now. i feel balanced now. i go to school, do the homework i should (minus the days when i have the homework-blues), sometimes call myself social, and i try my best to prioritize the relationships that matter to me most. so no, not so much balance for now. but balance for the future.

the prospect of being balanced seems, at times, so daunting. now is one of those times. thinking about time management, money management, life management...it all is a bit too overwhelming a bit too often.

and yet it is exciting.

i am trying to get a group started at school. it will be a resource group for women in medicine. i will try to bring in guest speakers to talk about un-said issues that i know almost every woman who has committed herself to medicine has struggled with. children. family. marriage. finances. time. day-care. balance. so far, i've gotten an amazing response. there was even a class-wide email sent out that encouraged all the men to attend...i am excited to see what becomes of it.

most of the time, i am up for challenges. especially when i feel like God is pushing me along...wanting me to try to ride my bike without my 'training wheel' buffer in case i find myself off-balance. and i think there is one challenge in particular that he is slowly unscrewing the training wheels for. it is a big one....a life-changing one for sure. a challenge that will require incredible dedication, extreme prayers, and ultimate understanding. as time goes on, i am getting more comfortable with the idea. and getting more confident that God will provide the wisdom & patience necessary to find balance in the midst of it all.

time...

.... is flying by. totally flying. i can't believe i have been here for 5 weeks. while time has the illusion of being sluggishly slow @ times, hindsight tells me otherwise.

and it has been quite a journey already. my excitement about being here has worn off slightly. school has taken its toll. i don't leap out of bed in the morning when my alarm goes off @ 5:55 a.m. like i did just 2 weeks ago. i show up to class with sleep lines on my face. my daily dose of chai is barely keeping me awake. the anatomy lab has lost its allure. the amount of material i have to learn is slowly piling up like the trash in shel silverstein's 'sarah synthia sylvia stout would not take the garbage out'.

and, in short, i am overwhelmed.

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made.

But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

(Phil. 3:12-14, The Message)

lately i've been distracted. by the temptation to lose sight of my goal...to get caught up in my dislike of the biochemical mechanisms, molecular pathways, and immunological systems...to take my eyes off the prize at the end. i do, after all, only have 2 years of this intense book-learning stuff. by the temptation to doubt the presence of God here, in my life, in my here-and-now. it is easy to stick my nose in a book...or on the internet...or on my pillow, for that matter, and forget that it truly is a miracle that i am here. deep down i've always wanted this to happen...but never ever imagined it actually would. i've been distracted by the potential for the future....by my own tendency to become preoccupied with subjects that are better left to curiosity--and to God. i tend to dwell on those things; they consume me...my thoughts, my mind...my habit of 'planning'.

and amidst my studying and searching and planning, i have been reminded in the last week that everything in life happens at just the right time, as long as it is GOD'S TIME and not my own.

so that is my prayer.
to hear God speak because He has definitely gotten my attention with His silence lately.
to keep my eyes set ahead because my tendency toward distraction is driving me off course. to trust that God will iron out all the wrinkles and worries i have for my future because i have to remember that He only wants the best for my life.
to remember that this life is not about me. God gave me the job to love people. to love and respect and share His joy with people. that is all. and as long as i do that with all my heart, God will smile.

and just as Rick Warren said, "The smile of God is the goal of your life."

good goal Rick, good goal.

breath.

take one for me, will you? a breath, i mean. i feel like i haven't had enough lately. or too many--not quite sure which one.

we had our first big exam this morning. thirty questions. i studied for SO long. i finally had to decide yesterday that i had reached the point where i needed to be fully confident in my knowledge base. but after the tests today, maybe i should have buried my head a little deeper in the books. it wasn't that i didn't know the information....it was that i just couldn't connect it. i know how important this stuff is. and to be totally honest, maybe it is just the new pressure of this huge responsibility that is sucking the energy out of me.

so, in short, i am not feeling good about my test results. definitely not confident in the fact that i did well . i just know that i did. and that will have to be good enough. i have to keep in mind that God--in His Divine plan--has already accounted for many many many many mistakes, mishaps, and mess-ups. i have to remember that as long as i do my very best, He'll work with that. i think that just the simple fact of me being here--having this opportunity is a testament to His networking and door-opening skills.

i have a looonnnggg road ahead of me. and right now, i can't even imagine the end. totally feeling overwhelmed. i have a TON of reading to do...a LOT of studying to get done...and even MORE to learn. and i am finding it harder and harder to focus when all this seems like so much and its relevance seems like so little. but i'll keep chugging away. because God wants me here--i know that much is true. and i'll get through my reading--from the closest book you see to the one farthest away (i found that if i line them right in the middle of my floor, anytime i need to get anywhere in my little cottage i end up tripping over them....subtle reminders of what needs to get done). and i'll try my best to stay positive about it--because i am well aware that not everyone gets this opportunity. and i will pray for motivation, because i really need some right now. and i will hope that the end of this road comes sooner than later.

so thanks for your prayers. for your positive thoughts. for your encouragement and support. but most of all, for your prayers.

profound.

you know when you read something and it just hits you...like a brick wall, or bullet train, or meteor from Mars?? you know what i'm talkin' about??

i read something like that today. it was a rare moment--a break from my textbooks (which, by the way, seem to magically be multiplying). i picked up "Blue Like Jazz", by Donald Miller. and this is what i read (and prepare yourself, it is kind of long...):

For a very long time, I could not understand why some people have no trouble accepting the grace of God while other experience immense difficulty. I counted myself as one of the ones who had trouble. I would hear about grace, read about grace, and even sing about grace, but accepting grace is an action I could not understand. It seemed wrong to me not to have to pay for my sin, not to freel guilty about it or kick myself around. MOre than that, grace did not seem like the thing I was looking for. It was too easy. I wanted to feel as though I earned my forgiveness, as though God and I were buddies doing favors for each other.
Enlightenment came in an unexpected place: a grocery store. I was on my way over Mount Hood to spend some time in the high desert with a few friends. I was driving alone and decided to stop in at Safeway to pick up some provisions for the weekend. While standing in line at the checkout counter, the lady in front of me pulled out food stamps to pay for her groceries. I had never seen food stamps before. They were more colorful than I imagined and looked more like money than stamps. It was obvious as she unfolded the currency the she, I, and the checkout girl were quite uncomfortable with the interaction. I wished there was something I could do. I wished I could pay for her groceries myself, but to do so would have been to cause a greater scence. The checkout girl quickly performed her job, signing and verifying a few documents, then filed the lady through the line. The woman never lifted her head as she organized her bags of groceries and set them into her cart. She walked away from the checkout stand in the sort of stiff movements a person uses when they know they are being watched.
On the drive over the mountain that afternoon, I realized that it was not the woman who should be pitied, it was me. Somehow I had come to believe that becuase a person is in need, they are candidates for sympathy, not just charity. It was not that I wanted to buy her groceries, the government was already doing that. I wanted to buy her dignity. And yet, by judging her, I was the one taking her dignity away. ...
Rick (the author's friend) says that I will love God becuase he first loved me. I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love." From Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller, p. 83-84, 86

heaven.

oh man. i got a little piece of heaven here today. and bbbooooyyyy was it nice. rain + chai + being outside on my porch in the middle of the storm = me very happy :) (even though i was doing homework).

this past week went by SOOOOO s....l....o....w....l....y...... by wednesday i though it had to be friday...then when friday came, i couldn't actually believe it was here. and speaking of friday, i went to the "first cut party" thrown for the freshmen. it was in a cow pasture out in the country. and, with my great luck, i managed to step in a giant pile of cow poo with flip-flops on. it was slimey....gross. but despite the little bit of the party i took home with me on my feet, i also took home a bit of optimism--about the people here, about the community here; about the fact that i am thinking that i chose the right place--or, rather, the right place chose me.

and on a more scholastic note, we started anatomy last week. and starting anatomy means we started in the cadaver lab. and there has been quite a bit that has happened since our first day of lab on tuesday:

i have decided to (temporarily) take a subbatical from eating red meat and crackers in my soup as a result of my (awesome) observations in the lab. the red meat looks just like human muscle and the crackers-in-soup heavily resemble adipose tissue. too much for me.

my emotions have been on a roller coaster--perhaps coming to grips with the fact that i am working on dissecting someone's grandma has gotten under my skin--or theirs (yes, pun was intended).

and we, as first year students, got "the talk". you know the one that you always hear phantom whispers of in medical school?? the talk that tells us we must dissociate--we must, from this point on, throw our emotions by the way-side when situations arise where human emotionality is not welcome. people are depending on us, on our stoic grace and our knowledge base, to successfully support, treat, and hopefully heal themselves and those they love. emotionality has its place in the comfort of life outside of doctor-hood, they told us; but seldom does it find itself comfortable within the profession.

and, as a result of this talk, i've had to re-evaluate myself, my own desires, and my future profession. and quite frankly, i disagree with them. yes, there is a place for emotion. and although medical professionals are supposed to be strong and courageous and knowedgble, they are also people. people who chose a hectic lifestyle of dedication to their patients, their communities, the greater world of healing arts because it moved something inside of them, it attracted their hearts and stimulated their minds to actively pursue health in others. and because they are people, who happen to be doctors, if a situation arises where human emotionality is stirred enough to flow out from the depths of its storage place, i say let it loose--let the tears and joy and sorrow and excitement and refreshment and disappointment and tradgedy and grace flow freely.

patients see the doctor side in humans through diagnosis and the human side in doctors through emotions. i think my patients deserve to see the whole me.

official.

well. it is official. i am a medical student.

hold on, let me say it again. i am a medical student.

nope. still not sinking in.

i kind of feel like i am at summer camp. in my little cottage, with a rental car i happen to be driving around, constantly introducing myself to people as "hi, my name is ____. i am from ____. in undergrad i studied _____. i hope to specialize in ____." fill in the blanks as you choose.

it is feeling more comfortable here today. lots more comfortable, actually. i still don't know many people, but i fully realize that it will just take time to make connections---and i am cherishing my reflective, alone time right now. had class this morning--we got a new 'patient'. and believe it or not, it was actually fun. so fun. we talked. we contemplated. we tried to put puzzle pieces together to come up with a diagnosis. and then we researched. and in the meantime we learned. and that is what it is all about: working together toward a common goal. and i think it is pretty cool that the goal just happens to be making someone else's quality of life better. :)