exposure

isn't it funny how 1 word in the english language can have so many meanings? i read a funny article once on the perils of using spell check--it concluded that it was quite detrimental to spelling-mastery. good thing i don't want to be a master speller...so i guess i don't have to worry ; )

well my mulit-use word right now is exposure. yesterday--quite a day i might add--i had 3 separate epiphanies. yup, all in 24 hours. wow...God must have had a lot to tell me!

#1. )

i am currently in the begining stages of my love for photography. the magic of a closing shutter--a moment in time captured on film. it is truly amazing.

i love playing with light, with focus, with contrast. and although i have absolutely no clue how to work my camera, my knowledge is coming--i promise. through the eye of the lens, i feel comfortable. it is like the world is new, opportunities abound on every surface, with every texture, at every moment. looking through the lens, the world changes for me. i am exposed to new things, new opportunities...i even see new light. okay, obviously my photos aren't world-renouned...not even close. but i love them. and the excitement of getting them developed..i can hardly handle it.

i picked up my exposed negatives yesterday at a great place of monster-sized daily items called Costco. although i was quite disappointed with how many turned out (i was trying to play with the fancy settings on my camera...didn't work to well), i got a good one of my little brother the alec-dude. one picture that captures the essence of youth, the energy and playtime and cheesy smiles and tooth fairies.

#2.)

last night was the premiere of the fantana's. well, not the official fantanas--my roommates and i the fantanas (photos coming soon). we had been planning for quote awhile (okay, i'll admit it..months). our costumes came together quite nicely--despite the fridgid weather outside and me freezing my butt off. so strawberry and grape (i'll refer to us by our 'flavor' names) in the company of Peter Petunia, a MLB player, a gnarley 80s rocker, Hugh Hefner himself, Batman, and Quailman, all decided after a long night of walking around that we should go to the bars (exit Batman....). I, pineapple, and orange spent about oh, maybe 20 minutes in the smokey i'll-get-cancer-because-of-the-second-hand-smoke Bulldog when orange's friend called and asked if she could go to a party at her house. wanting to save my lungs, i agreed to go.

sidenote: high school was, well...high school. full of cliques, drama, and ill-attempts at self-discovery. i'll admit, rather reluctantly so, that i was part of the drama-filled jock-dates-cheerleader clique: aka the 'popular' kids. but i really tried to stay neutral. i was on the outside of the "in crowd" and had lots of friends that cliche told me i wasn't supposed to have. no doubt i was happy in my own little world of friends and homecoming queens and star athletes. i guess i never took the time to notice the so-called "outsiders"--the kids who didn't have a place to fit in, a clique to call "comfortable". and so they slipped through the cracks, trying hard to make friends, to make a name for themselves (because reputation seems to be all high school offers you) and to make it through another day of the teasing, taunting, and awkwardness of [not] fitting in.

so last night at this party, it was like a revelation. i'd always considered GU an extremely welcoming place where people were friendly, doors were held open, and most everyone found their 'place'. and i was right--kind of.

after high school graduation, i just assumed that the slip-through-the-social-crack kids just found their forte..their "comfortable" clique. that they didn't have to try any more, that their lives just automatically got easier because they were no longer restricted by school districts in college. this party that i went to (with the orange fantana) was a total eye-opener. i looked around the room and saw the faces of all the kids from high school that i never took the time to notice--or didn't care to notice in my own happy world. i saw the faces of the "band nerds", the "geeks", the "fat girls" (cliche, mind you)--all the slip-through-the-social-crack kids gathered, together, in one place. and for the first time, i realized that GU isn't the place i thought it was. sure, social interests and extracurricular's separate people. but i never realized just how separate they were. it was a life-changing social exposure; to realize that there will always be people that try their entire lives to find a place that is "comfortable". that there will always be those girls, those so-called "fat girls" who were teased in high school that forever bear the scars of rejection. there will always be "geeks" who were never granted the chance to fit in, never given a mentor for social exposure and who will try their entire lives to find one.

last night, this party, was complete exposure to an underground world of GU that i am so grateful i saw. this world, full of high school's mis-fits, has finally found the beginnings of a place where they fit in. among eachother, with all the scars caused by people similar to those i called my friends. and i feel like i am partially at fault. why didn't i reach out? why didn't i care more? why didn't i take the time to realize that people were hurting, crying, even dying, for somewhere "comfortable"??

but God planned that i went to that party. He wanted me to see it. He wanted me to realize that the division never really ends, that the separation will always be there. He wanted to tell me that i am not exempt from even just a little blame. He wanted to remind me to love everyone. and most of all, He wanted to inspire me to heal their wounds.

#3.)

probably the hardest exposure experience for me thus far in my life. i've always had trouble with trust. maybe a result of my parents' rough separation, the unpredicatability of my childhood, or my hesitation for dependence. but God has blessed me with amazing friends--friends that i totally trust.

but i'm feeling like God wants me to step out on a limb. to take off my guard that is always always up. to just TRUST Him, His plans. i'm feeling like i have to expose my heart in a new way. with my best friends, with the people i know, with the people i am just getting to know, even with the people i don't know.

last night, it was almost like i heard God whisper, "Jlyn..take off your masks, take your guard off...i'm guarding your heart for you, you don't have to worry anymore".

thanks God, for sufficiently guarding my heart. for allowing me to trust you. for planning my life according to your will.

prayer

Lord,

i renounce my desire for human praise,
for the approval of my peers,
the need for public recognition.

i deliberately put those aside today,
content to hear you whisper,
"well done, my faithful servant"

Amen.

valuable

"You should not try to be visible.

Instead, try to be valuable.

Because once you are valuable...

God will move mountains and part oceans

To make you visible."

--author unknown

great day today. really, really great day today. totally feeling the God vibes...totally.

ballet this morning. physiology @ 11--actually understood what was going on today!! break. lunch (PBJ). biochem--didn't understand anything today. costco run to pick up my pictures that they were supposed to have but didn't. work. college group. homemade soup for dinner. talked with amy (wedding party invite--yay!). now homework.

i did get a bit stressed today. things just starting to pile up...and it just really hit me today. sooooo much to do--term papers (x3), comprehensive exams (just to test on the last 3 years, no biggie), finishing my WSU summer class (yikes!), secondary applications...the list goes on (& on & on).

but oddly enough, i am totally at peace. totally and completely satisfied with my life at this point. kind of wishing i could bottle this time and open it again in 50 years, 5 years, even 5 months.

excitement. changes. new things...new people. anticipation. comfort. faith.

try as i might to catch time, i know that i can't. and so i go on. trying to appreciate every day. trying to live up to the standards of God, and no one else. trying to be myself in a world full of temptations to be something i'm not. trying to become the woman God wants me to be. trying to be valuable--not visible.

grateful

i woke up this morning grateful. grateful for life. grateful for changing colors.

grateful for patience and God's never-ending grace. grateful for this amazing weekend with my family. grateful for an amazing sermon by Pastor Joe @ LifeCenter.

grateful for friends, for coffee, for happenchance meetings and conversations. grateful for the internet (when it is working...especially at school).

i am grateful for my senses: my sight (20/20), my hearing, my sense of smell...my connection to the world.

but most of all i am grateful for the opportunities that i have lately begun to notice everyday; the photographic, artistic, unique, service, committment, friendship, and growth opportunities that i daily encounter.

so thanks God. you really ARE amazing....and you make me grateful.

walk by faith

Live by faith, not by sight. --2 Cor. 5:7

i just got back from one of the most incredible concerts i have ever been to. another one to chalk up to God's glory and amazing sense of knowing. He totally knew that i hadn't connected with people, with old friends, with Him in too long--and so He brought me to this concert.

bethany dillon...is truly a light in this world. God has provided her a maturity beyond her years, a gift of writing beyond what we call talent, and a passion that is out of this world. truly amazing.

the afters were equally incredible. i admire their unending faithfulness and their true desire to share the Word with the World. they chose the small path and made it big. i pray that they will continue to chose the path God wants them to be on--and that their hearts will be guarded from the temptations of this world so that they might be beacons of hope and grace and God's true love.

but jeremy camp stole the show. i saw him this summer @ CreationWest; this time the show was, like, 15 times better. he has a gift, a story, and a heart to share--and man, does he do it well. God's presence was all over the place tonight in LifeCenter--and it was good to feel that comfort again.

more than the music, though, was the amazing message that reached not only my ears, but my heart tonight. lately i have been so wrapped up in "me". in my future, in my grades, in my interests; i haven't taken the time--or haven't wanted to take the time--to figure out what God truly wants me to do and where he wants me to be. sure...i am walking by faith--but on my walk do i realize how broken i really am?

think of this. one afternoon, i decide to take a walk. i am confident in my ability to make it all the way to the top of a large hill and back down--safely, mind you. and so i set off on my journey. but when i try to take my first step, i fall--flat on my face. i get up. a little while later i might trip and fall again, this time injuring myself in the process. i can't keep going!--but i do. i keep walking. thinking i am fine. thinking i am cool. thinking i am getting a good 'workout'. but in reality my thoughts are all misperceptions.

the fall i took in the beginning might have been God's gentle way of telling me that i was starting out on the wrong foot--quite literally. i fall when i think i can control it all, when i think i know it all, and when i think that i am all. subsequent falls might be the falls that i make myself in life--the bad choices, the stabbing words, the ignorance, the sins. each of them is a fall--and each of them makes me broken. but lately, instead of realzing just how hurt and broken i really am, i have just kept on keeping on. i just keep on walking. how stubborn am i?!? i keep falling and don't even want to realize that each fall is breaking me.

tonight jeremy called it our carpet-time. when we fall flat on our faces, he said, maybe that is God's way of telling you to "stay there" and that He wants to make you whole again. BUT that can only happen if we rest, keep our noses planted in the shag of the rug, and trust Him to heal us.

so thanks, God. thanks bethany and jeremy and all the afters. thank you for your music. for your words. for sharing your gift. you touched a life tonight--my life. and you touched my heart.

trying to keep on trying

it was a trying day...can you tell? every hour seemed to bring something new that tried my patience, my sleeplessness, my future, my attitude, my stomach, my positivity, my outlook...etc. etc.

but i made it through.

again.

another day. another bunch of moments. i enjoyed it--and all its trying.

@ the airport

@ the airport. pretty much one of the coolest bands ever! made of up of some of my favorite people. they rock my world....literally.

had the privledge of watching them perform tonight. hats off to all of you--you were amazing...and i mean it.

trying to study. not working so much. following through with my secondary apps---God be with me :) taking life as it comes.

productivity...finally!

much needed weekend. worked on sunday. no school monday. ahhh....short week ahead of me.

got some homework done. got some sleeping done. got some socializing done. got some cleaning done--what didn't i get done!?!

God totally took all my anxiety away about MCAT's and future, etc. such a blessing! i had an amazing dream last night about my future--it felt....peaceful. and it was wonderful.

roommate got engaged tonight! what an amazing thing! two people committing their lives to one another (or committing to commit). so excited for her :)

email from one of my favorite people EVER in my inbox tonight. pretty much made my day--as if the engagement didn't do it already. God has filled my life with amazing, encouraging, and loving people--thanks God!!

finishing up some homework (brownie point for me) and crawling into one amazingly clean and comfortable bed. finally.

live what i believe

i was reflecting today. reflecting on my attitude, on my faith, on the events of my week. i was reflecting on how i have been feeling lately and concluded that i am not living what i believe.

last week at the Casting Crowns concert, Mark Hall was speaking and said something absolutely true-to-life:

"You may say what you think, but you will always live what you believe"

although at first i thought what Mark said only applied to those hypocrites who are "Sunday Christians", who show up at church half hung-over. for those who talk the talk but don't walk the walk. i am totally not one of those, i thought. i always live what i believe...

wrong.

have i lately been a living example of my faith in God's plan for my life? no. have i been a light to others' lives through the confidence i have, by faith, in my own? no. have i been optimistic about the future God himself set forth for me? no.

bottomline: i haven't been living what i believe.

i haven't been trusting in God's plan. i haven't been giving all circumstances and situations to Him--the ultimate planner. i haven't been showing confidence in my faith because i have been doubting my potential and my strength in trusting Him. time to change. time to start doing all the things that i haven't been, to turn my life and my actions and outward optimism over to God. time to start letting the Leader lead my life.

[note: went to Lifecenter today--awesome sermon by Pastor Joe :) you can listen here (click on Part 5: Grace for the nobodies)]

just what i needed

got my mcat scores back. wasn't the greatest. wasn't the worst. not black. not white. just gray. doesn't help my decision making much--but i think that God wants me to leave that up to Him.

i am really relaxing and learning to accept the fact that i don't have to know everything, or anything, right now. i am grateful for my friends, for my incredibly supportive family, and for my many many blessings. i have so much to be thankful for.

the following verse totally hit home, made me think, and gave me a new perspective. i think God wanted me to hear it because he knows i am supposed to be struggling right now in order for him to develop spiritual maturity in me. things aren't supposed to be black and white--i am supposed to find God in the gray and trust that He'll bring me out on top. i am supposed to embrace what He is doing for me, in my life, right now--even if it makes it difficult to make decisions. His words were just what i needed.

the verse of the day on the radio today came from romans 12

So here's what i want you to do, God helping you: take your everday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed form the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly repsond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. (The Message)

today

today i really. noticed the changing colors. only a hint of green left among the amber and crimson and pumpkin colored leaves. vibrant dancing on the surface of the trees. squirrels preparing for winter. me getting wet when the sprinklers were being blown-out at school. i love fall.

today i got a talk from my psychology professor. we shouldn't stress out about graduating, he said, this is only one of many transitions in life. great, i thought. that means there are lots more coming--don't know if i can make it through. but i will--people do it all the time, right?

today i went to the mall with christine. she is great. we are j-tine. i didn't buy anything. good for me.

today i calmed down about my future. i realized that i can't worry. because worrying is distracting and unhealthy and it gives me zits. so no more worrying--as much as i can control it.

today i bought egg nog. yum. christmas is coming!

today i am going to sushi with ben. pretty excited. haven't talked with him in awhile--always good to catch up with old friends.

today i am going to do homework. didn't get much done yesterday. and i am going to spend some time with jesus. priorities.

tomorrow i get my MCAT scores back. scared a lot to see them. kinda determine my future.

no no. i take that back. they are a mere part of my future--God determines it.

period.

this day as the only day

i've made a new pact. with myself. with God. for my future.

i am going to try to live today as if it is the only day left in my life. no past. no future. hour by hour, minute by minute.

i am going to try to breathe in deeply, love purely, smile wider, sleep better, and focus more. i am going to try to appreciate, to observe, to take-in, to experience every good thing.

because who knows. this might be the only day left in my life. i guess i should be ready to make the most of it.

hope of renewal

just talked to my mom.

she told me a sad story about a young life lost, a young man gone much too soon--too much life ahead. somehow part of me thinks it is unfair. so much life gone, wasted, in one split second.

but as tragic as it is, stories like the one i just heard serve as constant reminders to covet each day, each moment, each memory.

i've been having trouble with motivation. either i've caught a serious bug of senioritis or my brain is full--i am assuming it is the former. my hours blur together into unproductive nothingness. my days are hardly remembered because not much gets accomplished. and so my memories are left hanging, floating at the mercy of the wind.

i opened my Bible tonight during Bible Study and found a little blurp i had written inside when i bought it this summer:

Purchased with hope of renewal.

ahhhh. what a refreshing word: renewal. something i need right now, something i want right now....something that i haven't asked God for yet.

my lathargy is taking a toll on my life; my schoolwork, my daily life, even my floating memories. i know that God is the only One who is capable of that renewal, capable of taking my broken life and repairing all the pieces, capable of curing this case of senioritis, and capable of leading me along the path He has planned. i just have to ask. i just have to say the word.

and when i say that word, i know my life will turn around. each hour will be important, each day significant. i will be living for each day--not through each day. i will be able to cling to my memories, save them from the wind, and i--finally--will be renewed.

official brain vacation

i keep waiting for my brain to turn back on. daily. hourly. nothing.

i think i'm tired. tired of school. tired of constantly working on learning (i.e. cramming info into my overflowing brain). i've lost my drive. lost my will-power. lost my motivation.

funny thing, too, because of all things, my motivation should have stayed intact. i just applied to med school. i just applied for 6 more years (not to mention a lifetime) of work and learning and knowing and spewing knowledge. so now, to say that least, i am having serious second thoughts. do i really want this lifestyle? do i really want to sacrifice this much? is this the gift that God is slowly revealing to me? is my God-given gift in medicine?

what if it is. then i'll eventually (even if it isn't this time around) get in. God will find a way to carry me through the studies, the trials, the exams, the competition, the long hours, the sleepless nights, the huge sacrifices. if medicine is my calling, i am willing to answer.

but what if it isn't. what if it is something entirely different? something like art. like painting. like drawing, or graphic design, or (gasp!) just being a mom. what if i am following the wrong path, listening to the wrong voice?

it is the what-if's that i'm not comfortable with. my personality doesn't permit their survival. i want the answer now, no waiting, no procrastinating. i want to know who and what and when and how. i can infer the why myself.

but then again, maybe my inferences are the problem. i fabricate the why's when i really should be asking the One with the answers. i try to control where i am going when i really should be trusting the One driving.

the why's. the giving-up control. its a daily challenge. daily. hourly. trusting.

title pic 

7 Gentle Reminders

God never ceases to amaze me.

just when i think that my hunkey-dorey okey-dokey life is under control (my control), He gently reminds me that i don't know a thing. that i have no control over anything. and that that is the way it should be.

i love my job. and i worked all day on saturday. but spending 9 hours with scrapbook-driven women can be a bit challenging at times. moods flare. words exchange. smiles cease. not pretty. but my search for grace was the first time this weekend that God gently reminded me that this life is for Him, not me.

and then after work on saturday i picked up Keegan. we drove to Yakima--him visting his family and me visting mine. with the exception of 1 poor little field mouse, no road kill was my fault last night (praise God). up late talking to parents getting the latest scoop on grandpa stan's house (alzheimers has finally taken its toll) and the latest drama within family. God's second gentle reminder that i can't control anything; that death and disease is the curse of Eden and part of life; and that this life is for Him, not me.

up early this morning via a poke in the eye from little Alec. i miss him so much--wishing he could share some of his spunk. over to grandpa's house to sort through 40 years of living in 1 incredible house. so much history--so much accumulation--so much stuff. all the stuff was God's third reminder that i can't take anything with me and that this life is for Him, not me.
back to spokane in record time (no speeding--uhh). keegan slept a bit on the drive home--giving me time to silently reflect. reflect on grandpa. reflect on the incredible nature that stretched out before me. reflect on the majesty of my Lord. the silence, the stretching landscape, and serenity of being in God's presence: a fourth reminder today.



on to the Casting Crowns concert @ 6pm. incredible music. incredible message. their songs speak right to the heart--and touch on the biggest problems facing Christians and the Church today. the lyrics themselves were enough to bring me to tears. God was truly in that place tonight--and i totally felt His presence. and when they played Who Am I ("who am i? that the lord of all the earth/ should care to know my name/ should care to feel my hurt...."), it was God's fifth reminder of the day that truly i am no one. that God wants me, He doesn't need me. that i don't have to be perfect, planned, or even precise in my life. but i do have to be honest. and accountable. and truthful. and that the voice of truth will tell me a different story than the world--it will tell me my story.

and then i opened my bag to unpack from Selah and out falls an envelope full of money from my family. totally unexpected. totally appreciated. i know how hard they work. i know that things are tight right now. and who am i that deserves this? i briefly reflected on the World Vision video they showed at Casting Crowns and pictured the children in Africa. no money. no parents. no food. no homes. no lifesong for Jesus. and i felt convicted. yet another gentle reminder that this life is His, not mine; that He has a bigger and better plan than i could ever imagine for it; and that no matter what i do to try to change it, God will ultimately get His way--which is exactly how it should be. the sixth reminder of the day.

and now i am sitting here. reflecting on my weekend. looking to another week. wishing that my life didn't consist of constant homework, no sleep, worrying, wishing, hoping, dreaming. and then realizing that life wouldn't be life without wishes and hopes and dreams and work. that life wouldn't be life without challenges and heartbreaks. that life wouldn't be life without the incredible sacrifice that was made just about 2000 years ago. and i am reminded again, for the seventh time today, that this life belongs to Him.