Monday, October 10, 2005

official brain vacation


i keep waiting for my brain to turn back on. daily. hourly. nothing.

i think i'm tired. tired of school. tired of constantly working on learning (i.e. cramming info into my overflowing brain). i've lost my drive. lost my will-power. lost my motivation.

funny thing, too, because of all things, my motivation should have stayed intact. i just applied to med school. i just applied for 6 more years (not to mention a lifetime) of work and learning and knowing and spewing knowledge. so now, to say that least, i am having serious second thoughts. do i really want this lifestyle? do i really want to sacrifice this much? is this the gift that God is slowly revealing to me? is my God-given gift in medicine?

what if it is. then i'll eventually (even if it isn't this time around) get in. God will find a way to carry me through the studies, the trials, the exams, the competition, the long hours, the sleepless nights, the huge sacrifices. if medicine is my calling, i am willing to answer.

but what if it isn't. what if it is something entirely different? something like art. like painting. like drawing, or graphic design, or (gasp!) just being a mom. what if i am following the wrong path, listening to the wrong voice?

it is the what-if's that i'm not comfortable with. my personality doesn't permit their survival. i want the answer now, no waiting, no procrastinating. i want to know who and what and when and how. i can infer the why myself.

but then again, maybe my inferences are the problem. i fabricate the why's when i really should be asking the One with the answers. i try to control where i am going when i really should be trusting the One driving.

the why's. the giving-up control. its a daily challenge. daily. hourly. trusting.

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