maniac

you know that song..."she's a maniac...maaanniiacccc". no clue who 'sings' it (and i put sings in parentheses because it sounds more like rapid talking). i kinda feel like "she"--whoever she is.

my weekend schedule just totally filled up. not quite sure how. not quite sure why. but trying to cram everything in--trying before the last bout of studying and the final bit of college. wow. i feel old.

paper writing today from 12-6ish. hopefully will be able to get it done. highly doubtful though. 1 paper down--2 more to go.
dinner with beth & jacob & jessa tonight. hopefully some good fellowship time--and i get to see jessa, which usually makes me pretty happy.
no plans after. but there is a cool dude i know. maybe we can do something....hoping we can do something.
wake up EARLY tomorrow to work on my paper more.
pictures of jon's parents.
perhaps christine & margi's dance concert.
boat cruise.
movie night.
church in the morning.
paper writing.
christine's bridal 'get-together'.
paper writing.
paper writing.
paper writing.
paper writing.
sleep somewhere in between.

yeah. maniac is right.

and BIG thank you to God. for answered prayers. for dedication. for patience. and for commitment :)

waiting here

it's an in-between time right now. between breath's. between changes. between finishing and starting over; holding on and letting go; building and breaking. it's an in-between time for my life...my heart....my perspective.

haven't had to deal with this before. haven't been stuck in a place quite like this before--and can't say with confidence that i will be again.

i feel most often that i am a big ball of emotions. anxiety. nerves. anticipation. hope. excitement. etc. i can't figure out where i should be, where i am going, who i should hang on to. and, more than anything, it stresses me out.

but then i heard these words on Reuben Morgan's new CD World Through Your Eyes. Good stuff on that CD. some classics...some newbies. but this song was a nice reminder that yup....in this time of change that my focus needs to be on God--and Him alone. i need the constant reminder that the purpose of my life isn't for personal fulfillment, pleasure, or accomplishment--but it should be all for His glory, His honor...my life should be a tangible example of His praise. need that reminder--need to make that improvement.

everything will work out
everything will work out
for your glory
i know you'll use it all

fall upon your mercy
call upon your kindness
will you come to me
and search my heart again

and i'm on my knees
waiting here for you
in your holy place
and my heart is home
in your courts oh Lord
how i long for you

everything will work out
everything will work out
when i see you
i'll know i'll understand

--"Waiting Here", Reuben Morgan

how yuuu doin'??

haha. so i went to Yoke's today. to go grocery shopping; much needed--was down to chicken and dry cereal.

walked in and encountered a swarm of kids huddled around some poor lady handing out pizza. i think they were on a field trip. anyway--almost ran into a couple of them with my basket (i use baskets, not carts, because then i tend to not buy unneeded things...). headed over to the produce section where i encoutered another swarm of kids....learning about produce. apparently produce includes ice cream, meat, chips, and fruit--as so eloquently explained by one little motor-mouth.

anyways....headed toward the bulk candy section to pick up some candy for jodie's bridal shower on sunday. when, out of the blue (or yellow, i should say), i enountered a large banana. and by large banana i mean a full-size man dressed in a Dole banana suit. couldn't see his face. all i saw were his little chicken legs...and then i heard it from behind the mesh banana-face (do banana's even have faces??)

"heeyyyy. how yuuuu doin'???"

hahahahahaha! it isn't every day that you get hit on by a big yellow banana!

detox

puffy has toxic levels of drugs in his blood--all prescribed by the vet, mind you. poor little guy. they lowered his dose but he might have to undergo transfusion. taking out all the old blood, filtering it (simply), and putting it back in. complicated process for such a lil' guy.

sometimes i wish, in the most non-physically-unrealistic sense ever, that my mood could undergo detox. yesterday was most definitely a trying day. but encouragement helped. hugs helped. support and understanding helped...a lot.

i hate to 'test' God. i'm not supposed to do that. but it's just when i get discouraged, frustrated, under-the-weather-feeling-sorry-for-myself...that God totally pulls through--detoxifies my mood.

and again, He totally provided. i signed the lease for the house in WV that i originally wanted (but there were 2 people in line ahead of me...). SO excited about it. beginning to seriously sink in that i am moving. across the country. on my own. by my lonesome. knowing no one. totally trusting that God will provide friendships, mentors, a church family, a place to call comfortable....focused, dedicated, restricted knowledge. so much is on the horizon--more than i can comprehend right now. but, like i said, God has totally pulled through. He opened this door wiiiiidddeeeeee open....and waited for me to walk through. well i'm walking God....but cautiously, mind you.


watched little jessa today. what a bundle of joy. innocent. sweet. vibrant. peek-a-boo was funny. picture books were real. a bowl of animal crackers was a feast. life was big, huge. needed that reminder. needed to get rid of the selfish notion that my life should come first, that my needs and wants should be a top priority. needed to see sacrifice, discipline, innocence; to see again that life is, indeed, bigger than me. needed that detox.

the sun was warm today. did homework today--which, by the way, i actually thoroughly enjoyed [kinda know i am a nerd when i walk through the library and breathe a sigh of relief because it feels so much like home]. the night was perfect--totally wanted to take a walk. got a call from a friend i haven't heard from since december today...she makes me smile :) AND...got to see my favorite dude as well. gosh he is so freakin' cool ;) lucky to know him....proud that he is part of my life.

so this has been one detox sorta day today. much needed transfusion--out with the old, in with the new. hoping that holds for tomorrow as well :)

tough

trying day so far. wondering what Christ is trying to remind me of today--something that i'm not handling too well apparently. got really overwhelmed this morning. with everything i have to do...with everything that is not getting done.

frustrated with myself for my academic performance (or lack thereof). wondering what happened to the dedicated student i used to know. surprised at my inclination to keep to myself--my non-existent desire to touch the social realms of school these last few weeks. wondering what happened to the girl who loved meeting new people...spending time with people. and somewhat disappointed in myself for who i've been--or haven't been--for God lately. He's been thrown by the way-side, put on a back burner. apparently my heart needs to be recalibrated.

so today...goals:
focus.
concentrate.
efficiency.
Christ-love to all.
gratitude.
love.

photos

new photos posted under 'portraits'....click on link to the right :)

easter

spent the weekend with family. great time. gracious people. grace-filled God. reminders of His sacrifice everywhere. reminders of my blessings in everything. my heart deepened this weekend--thank you.

dissect this picture

a view from my desk this morning.

reminders of just how much i have to be thankful for....

1) music & cards. a little box on my desk. filled with CDs and a box of love in envelopes, sent via USPS to make someone else's day. i don't glance at it enough. don't realize how blessed i am to have the gift of hearing to listen to sweet melodies, how lucky i am to have such amazing people in my life to send these little 'envelopes of love' to. need to remember--need to glance more often.

2) duke (the huge yellow lab). found out he wasn't doing so well yesterday. his arthritis is getting really bad. i was so excited to get him 10 years ago. so excited to have something to take care of, a big yellow fur-ball to wrestle around with. i forget about the companionship animals offer...the joy they tend to bring. so three cheers for duke...and i suppose he gets a "hip-hip-hooray" too :)

3) sunglasses. these are actually broken. held together by a safety pin. oh well--they serve their purpose: blocking the sun from my eyeballs. and you know what sun means? yup. warm weather. excited for it--excited that i don't have to wear layers and layers of clothing, excited that it means birds and green grass and swimming (i LOVE swimming). these broken sunglasses are waiting for use....waiting and waiting and waiting. [oh...and they do serve another purpose: guards against eyelash puller-outers. ehm! you know who you are!].

4) dr. pooh. apparently that will be me. well....not so much the 'pooh' part as the 'doctor' part. excited about next year. feeling totally blessed that God opened this door for me. feeling out of control at the same time--but finding comfort in the fact that the Big Dude will be beside me the whole time. counting my blessings for this opportunity.

5) jon-bear. a little version of this cool dude i know. feeling so blessed to know him...to spend time with him. and these days time is a scarce commodity--one that is treasured and enjoyed. wanting him to know that i respect him. respect his respect for me--for other women in general. respect his commitment to his family...his studies...and his country. respect his faith--immensely. and most of all, respect who he is now and who he is becoming. and so jon-bear sits on my desk....a reminder of this amazing man i know :)

6) "happy spring". so cool. flowers. totally an unexpected surprise--an appreciated surprise. also from this amazing person (aka jon-bear in reality size). and really, when it comes down to it, these are a representation of him. of how he thinks of me (which, by the way, makes me feel special)...of how he treats me...of how he fights for me, for us. i am truly blessed :) thanks for the flowers, cool dude. and thanks, most of all, for being the incredible person you are.

library

prepare yourself for an extremely random post. consider yourself warned:

i hear it is raining outside. and i really love the rain. oh...too bad. stuck here in the library. 7 hours yesterday. 4 hours thus far today. but getting stuff done. it feels so good to be organized, to be with-it :) i missed this feeling.

i made a binder for West Virginia last night. i would take a picture of it if i had my camera with me right now (oh...but i don't...remember...i am in the liiiibbbrrraarrryyyy). i decided that i LOVE making things. paper and glue sticks and scissors make me really happy.

i think God might have used a defillibaroraotor (aka defribillator) on my homework brain. not so much motivated, as in enjoy-my-homework motivated, but at least getting stuff done.

looking foward to this week. test on wednesday. easter on friday = home on friday.

praying for poor lil' Ryne....she is super sick. something wrong with her liver. kinda sounds serious. lots of prayers her way :)

looking for houses in WV. crazy that reality is semi-setting in--the reality that i am moving, quite literally, across the country. but i am excited. i talked with a MSII there last weekend...she was SO nice. SO willing to help. and from the sound of it, that is how everyone is there. good feeling to be headed to a place with nice people. :)

and definitely hoping for one nice person i know to be closer than farther away. but....after i called the Army this morning and told them to get their lazy bums in gear (they totally listened to me)....we don't have too much to worry about. i hope.

generally, in case you were wondering, just enjoying life right now. it seems to easy--so laid back. enjoying these last moments of illusive reality. life will never be the same again. unless i move to Australia (which actually doesn't sound like too bad of an idea).

i really want a popcicle right now. yum.

told you this was random. :)

keeping it alive

the immensity of this time of change is really unexplainable. at times i feel so detached from the 'real world', from daily living and functioning of so-called 'normal' people that i fear i won't be able to relate, to empathize, to understand. this close community of believers, of fellow students and teachers has provided the perfectly nurturing environment for me to blossom, to grow, to learn...about life, about history, about my potential for the future. and while i appreciate my experience (immensely!), appreciate the investment each person has made in and for my life, my newest fear is that "out there", i won't be able to pay-it-forward--to invest in others and to return the life and lessons and love i have gleaned.

i don't know if i have a "calling", a stern direction from God that, without a doubt, instructs and drives and inspires my actions. i do know that i have dreams...aspirations...goals. but lately--and all too realistically--reality seems to be raining down (it is really more of a sprinkle right now...but a storm is in the forecast) and i am getting wet.

my dreams are changing. they are being transformed, altered...growing, maybe? my heart wants things it never dared to speak before...and now the challenge i am presented with is to hang on to the things it wanted before--the things that have driven me, kept me going thus far.

i want to be a physician. i do not want to change people...to cure disease...to fix bones or even heal wounds. those things are all assignments that come with the job. i want to do more. i want to instill hope, to nurture personal growth, to inspire dignity. i want to heal--both physically and spiritually...and i don't want to lose that dream.

“When our students enter medical school they are starry eyed, they are caring, they are optimistic. They appear to be entering medicine for all the right reasons-really appearing to want to improve the life of others. there is a transformation the occurs in medical school when students become much more cynical and tend to loose this optimism that the power is going to be there to do all the things that you dream you are going to do." (The New Medicine, PBS)

i do have dreams. but they aren't for me. they are for my patients. i am not the mechanism of change--i dont' hold the power in my physical being to boast such a talent. i am, simply, God's catalyst in the transformation that encompasses healing.

i want to be part of a family. my own family. i want to be present, to be involved. and my fear is that the investment i am required to make--or choose to make, rather--in my career will compromise my involvement. i have done my research--(check out www.mommd.com) and quite frequently (as in almost everyday) freak myself out beyond return about making the 'right choice' in continuing my education.

but i have to trust. trust myself--that where i am is because i am supposed to be here. trust God--that He has a plan...one beyond all my imagining. trust my support system--that they will stand by me through thick and thin. and most of all, trust in my dreams--because dreams are the stuff life is made of.

i want my future to come, not today but eventually--in due time. my dreams, my hopes, my goals, my wants ..i want to keep them alive.

organized & blogging

so i just wrote my entire blog entry....and then deleted it. please tell me this isn't a prediction of how my week will go.

finally blogging again. been a bit out of touch, out of inspiration....out of organization and time management. back in game--totally back in and excited to be here.

weekend was GREAT. much needed "me" time...much needed get-my-crazy-life-in-order time. much needed time of friends and food and followship. really, much needed time to just be.

long nap after class on friday (i LOVE naps). yummy dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup--perfect for the wonderful rainy day it was. definitely gotta add watching Singing in the Rain to my movie list for sometime soon....LOVE that movie.

then to Ice Age 2--hilarious movie. even made it look fun to live and breathe and eat and exist on and in ice. fun if you are a sloth or mammoth or possum or possum-mammoth, which i am not = would not be fun for me. good company at the movie too :) listening to all the kids belly giggle at the most obvious humor made me smile...innocence is truly a blessing!!!

psychology GRE's on saturday morning. got up at 6:30. arrived at test site at 8. waited until 8:30 for administrators to arrive. test finally started at 9:15 (by which time i was fuming inside...apparently patience is a virtue i do not possess before 10am). totally thought we'd have some break during the 2 hour 50 minute test. nope. straight through the 205 questions. straight through until eyeballs went cross-eyed and i passed out from mental overload (and i was one of the lucky ones....).

long, boring, hope-to-pass-for-my-degree test followed by a trip to Costco (for apparently discounted, unneeded but totally wanted oversized items and a $1.50 polish sausage) and Mervyn's (for sale earrings for the brunch on sunday). wonderful to spend time with friends (amanda, amy, christine). looked at the magical aisles in Costco...full of muffins and trinkets and books and stuff that i was never intended to have (and probably, if i really think about it for more than 2 seconds don't really want). looked at bridesmaid dresses for christine's wedding in august. looked at ridiculous store windows and current styles that i am apparently supposed to like and wear if i want to be 'cool'. and....was totally exhausted when it was all over (how the heck did i shop for more than 45 minutes just a few years ago?!)

back to the apartment to turn dirty into clean. cleaned like a madwoman (everything except my room). such a good feeling to have everything undirtied and sanitized. cooked a little for sunday and tuesday. then (this was the best part) surprise visitor showed up :) one very tired and a little bit loopy boy stopped by for a hug and a hello....thanks jon--you made my night :)

then organized my stuff. went through old bank statements. balanced by checkbook. made a HUGE to-do list. such a good feeling to have life in order. a much-needed feeling that i haven't felt in awhile. making it a goal to keep up on stuff better...to be a better steward and consumer and tracker. to be a more aware citizen and person and Christ-follower.

sunday brunch @ 11:30, followed by the earring exchange. fun earrings. fun time. good food. all good ;)

then...this was the kicker...homework for 9.5 hours--straight!!!! wowa. woulda thought i was a freshman in college again. 4.5 hours in the library. 5 hours at my desk. small bathroom and food breaks. got SO much done. worked ahead for this week so i can focus on material for my test on friday.

confident about my schedule this week. freakin' excited for the Narnia party on tuesday :) at ease about my presentation on thursday....now..if i could only understand the material for my test on friday......God? can you work on that for me dude? thanks.