keeping it alive

the immensity of this time of change is really unexplainable. at times i feel so detached from the 'real world', from daily living and functioning of so-called 'normal' people that i fear i won't be able to relate, to empathize, to understand. this close community of believers, of fellow students and teachers has provided the perfectly nurturing environment for me to blossom, to grow, to learn...about life, about history, about my potential for the future. and while i appreciate my experience (immensely!), appreciate the investment each person has made in and for my life, my newest fear is that "out there", i won't be able to pay-it-forward--to invest in others and to return the life and lessons and love i have gleaned.

i don't know if i have a "calling", a stern direction from God that, without a doubt, instructs and drives and inspires my actions. i do know that i have dreams...aspirations...goals. but lately--and all too realistically--reality seems to be raining down (it is really more of a sprinkle right now...but a storm is in the forecast) and i am getting wet.

my dreams are changing. they are being transformed, altered...growing, maybe? my heart wants things it never dared to speak before...and now the challenge i am presented with is to hang on to the things it wanted before--the things that have driven me, kept me going thus far.

i want to be a physician. i do not want to change people...to cure disease...to fix bones or even heal wounds. those things are all assignments that come with the job. i want to do more. i want to instill hope, to nurture personal growth, to inspire dignity. i want to heal--both physically and spiritually...and i don't want to lose that dream.

“When our students enter medical school they are starry eyed, they are caring, they are optimistic. They appear to be entering medicine for all the right reasons-really appearing to want to improve the life of others. there is a transformation the occurs in medical school when students become much more cynical and tend to loose this optimism that the power is going to be there to do all the things that you dream you are going to do." (The New Medicine, PBS)

i do have dreams. but they aren't for me. they are for my patients. i am not the mechanism of change--i dont' hold the power in my physical being to boast such a talent. i am, simply, God's catalyst in the transformation that encompasses healing.

i want to be part of a family. my own family. i want to be present, to be involved. and my fear is that the investment i am required to make--or choose to make, rather--in my career will compromise my involvement. i have done my research--(check out www.mommd.com) and quite frequently (as in almost everyday) freak myself out beyond return about making the 'right choice' in continuing my education.

but i have to trust. trust myself--that where i am is because i am supposed to be here. trust God--that He has a plan...one beyond all my imagining. trust my support system--that they will stand by me through thick and thin. and most of all, trust in my dreams--because dreams are the stuff life is made of.

i want my future to come, not today but eventually--in due time. my dreams, my hopes, my goals, my wants ..i want to keep them alive.