holding on.

i'm sad today. sad because i'm in west virginia again. sad because this week isn't starting out optimistically, because of the state of affairs in this world; sad because of the lack of personal responsibility of the citizens of this country. sad because my love is in another state 4 hours away and sad because my heart doesn't know how to embrace God's plans.

i should have seen it coming, the sadness. it comes each month. seven days. lots of tissues. emotional lability (or instability, depending on who you talk to). usually it manifests itself in feelings of being totally & completely overwhelmed. then there are months where frustration takes the lead & still others where my world is just knocked off its axis.

but this month, it is just sadness.

i'm emotionally empty. which makes me wonder where these tears are coming from...and why they bothered to show up in the first place. and i'm emotionally overwhelmed with the present & the future.

i've been trying, really, i have. i've been trying to let go & let God. but gosh it is hard sometimes. i've been trying to take things in stride, to let life unfold and not worry about who will iron out the wrinkles. and i've been trying to soak up each moment without even a fleeting thought about my independence one year from now. looking in the mirror, i can't help but wonder where the faithful person is who once wrote this, who totally trusted God with her future & feelings & failures. who wanted to be emptied more than wanting answers; who wanted to be faithful more than wanting favor; and who wanted God's will above her own....i can't seem to find her today.

i'm just sad about all of it.

i suppose it is because i don't want to let go. i cherish closed fists, holding so tightly to the functionality of my life as it stands that on days like this CHANGE is the worst thing that could happen to me. but the trouble comes when i try to convince myself for the four hundreth time that change is good.

change is good. change is good. change is good.

nope, still not working.

i think i'm overwhelmed by the sheer amount of change that seems to dominate the landscape of our future. i'm overwhelmed by the number of seemingly uncontrollable factors that could send our pendulum of hope swinging into a giant black hole. and too, i'm overwhelmed by my own (annoying) propensity for "what if's" that seem to invade the spaces of each thought about the future.

the way i approach life during weeks like this (& probably more, if i'm willing to admit it) is probably much like someone approaches losing a loved one. because the truth is that many aspects of my life i am totally in love with right now; i've grown overly attached to them and like a heela monster, just can't let them go.

"A natural response to the possibility of losing someone is to hold in tighter or to try to gain more control. Ironically, this does not lead to a life of freedom & joy, the very things we were pursuing. Most of us do learn to let go. We let go of our childhood & accept adult responsibilities. We let go of our teenage children & our attempts to control them. We let go of finding happiness in possessions or careers. We even learn that we have to let go of other people & not be dependent on them for happiness. To learn these lessons, we have to accept the fact that these things or people were gifts in the first place." --Hank Dunn, Hard Choices for Loving People

apparently i classify as "one of those people" who never has learned to let go--and my seeking has left me with a white-knuckled grip on the things in my life that don't belong to me in the first place. which leaves me totally bewildered by families like this, who seem to so easily keep thier heads above raging rapids when the tides of life change too quickly (check out more updates here).

i've got lots to learn....an huge pile of kleenex to throw in the garbage....and an entire book to guide me through the process of really letting go and holding on, both at the same time.