special one

heard a story in church last night.
about God speaking through the most unexpected people.
it made me think about what messages i might be missing. time to slow down....time to listen.

i think it went something like this.

a man was praying early one morning, around 6:30 just when the sun was peaking over the horizon. it was his time, his God time...his alone time.

his young son had been sternly warned by the mother to never interrupt his father's time. and the son respected that. weeks went by and the son was cautious to creep ever-so-quietly down the stairs past his father praying in the living room and into the kitchen where the son would patiently wait until his daddy finished.

but one morning, as the father was praying, he heard the usual pitter-patter of little feet. and just when he least expected it, a small, warm hand touched reached out and touched him. the father looked up into the eyes of his son and was amazed when, out of the blue, his son said,

"hi, special one."

now, the father had never heard his son call him 'special one' before. he thought he'd heard wrong. but again and again, over 6 times, the little boy said quietly, "hi, special one".

and it was then that the father knew....knew that God had spoken directly, albeit unexpectedly, through his son. and it amazed him that God answered because that day, his prayer was to feel special.

currently smiling

such an amazing God day today. full of His incredible gifts of joy and education and learning and humility and fellowship and surprises :)

learned something today in my classes.
studied for 2 hours in the library.
sent my deposit to West Virginia (and had to take a picture of the envelope). holy cow...i might move across the country.
ramped up my endorphins at the gym.
spent 4 hours at work with Judy, who keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh--a lot.
gazed at shelves of books at Barnes & Noble.
got a new brown shirt. i love brown. a lot.
surprised Jodie with an engagement party.
drank wine with friends. (i liked the friends better than the wine)
had chocolate cake--lots of it.
used my camera.
got a very special card from Jon. still beaming i think.
finished my homework.
headed to bed.

yup. it all makes me smile.

God's hand

you don't change, you just become more transparent.
well, how do you become more transparent? do you have to take LSD?
no silly. imagine a glass house covered with dirt, mud, and a lot of other junk.
i'm following you.
and you wash it clean until it sparkles.
right on.
well, the house hasn't really changed.
it's clean.
but the essence of what it is hasn't changed. it has just become more transparent. you just shine by become more who you already are.
you know miss humphrey told us something in art class once. she said some dude asked Michelangelo how he knew to sculpt David.
what did he say?
he just chipped away at everything that wasn't David.
--exerpt from Coffee Will Make You Black, by April Sinclair


i can see it. already i can tell that God is working; working in my life and the lives of those around me.

i can tell that God is present, is alive, and is changing the hearts of His people. i can tell because of instances that could not be coincidences. i can tell because of my smile, my glow lately. i can tell because of fulfilled dreams and ever-present doubts; open doors and closed windows. i can tell because of the love, the friendship, the comfort i find in people. and i can tell, most of all, because i feel free. finally free to let God work without regard to my plans or my future....i've given Him the chisel and he's at work getting rid of all the 'stone' that He didn't intend to be part of me.

be still

Be still and know that I am God.

--Psalm 46:10

question for you: when was the last time you were still? no, i mean really still. the last time you put your body in a state of total stasis, completely motionless. when was the last time you sat and listened to your own breath--the complex movement of air into and out of your lungs, the movement that keeps you alive? when?

for me, it had been too long. wayyy too long. it had been months probably, since the last time i was still. i'd gotten too caught up, too busy to notice the simply obvious fact that i was still breathing.

seems kind of silly when you really think about it...silly to sit in one place and listen to yourself breathe, see the opacity of light on the other side of your eyelids, and feel your stomach working.

but it isn't silly--not at all. because its in the stasis that i am reminded to appreciate the immense complexity of God's workmanship. it's in the quiet that i am reminded to be thankful for the gas exchange that happens every few seconds to keep me alive. it's in the tranqility that i am reminded that my body is a complex machine hand-crafted by time's greatest Inventor. it's in the stillness that i know without a doubt that God is God--it's where i find peace. it's in this place--this physical quiet--that i can hear God. i can hear Him through my heartbeat, my breath, my blood. i can hear Him with my senses.

you should try it, being still i mean. you might be surprised at the sweet sound of your own breath.

"speak Lord, for your servants are listening." --Pastor Joe Wittwer @ LifeCenter Foursquare Church, January 22, 2006

playing my cards right

God is pretty funny sometimes; all the time actually, He just tends to make me realize it more at certain times than others.

He definitely makes me realize it when i wake up and think my clock is an hour ahead, sending me into a frantic fury of morning routine...until i realize that i am actually 30 minutes early.

He makes me realize it when i learn that the human body is a fine-tuned machine innately built to be more complicated than my measley human mind can comprehend.

He makes me realize it when i get a seriously humorous, genuinely meaningful gift from somebody special :) and both God and this somebody make me smile... a lot.

and....He especially makes me realize his Divine sense of humor when i am playing an apples to apples game with 14 other people and out of all hundred-something cards in the deck i could get.....he gives me one that says my favorite word this week!!. it is, after all, the newest word of habit--a gentle reminder of how God feels about me and how i should strive to continually feel about Him!

an original

"but what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. we find ourselves involved in loyal communities, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. that means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. we have far more interesting things to do with our lives. each of us is an original."

(Galatians 5:16-22)

superman

i met superman today. he morphed from batman right before my eyes. but he was superman more often, he said, because superman can fly. and i'd say he did fly today...or as close as any 4 year old ever comes to it.

i met God today. he told me He had plan for me. but He said he still has some surprises up His great big sleeves; he likes surprises, he said, because they make me trust him more. and i'd say i did trust Him today...or as close as my heart would let me.

i met fear today. it whispered sweet-nothings in my ears about the future. i should be afraid, it said, because i'm venturing into absolutely unknown territory--territory that covers every aspect of my life. and i'd say it's a priority on my prayer list....or as close to the top right now as i'll let it be.

i met hope today. i think God put an IV in my heart...i think it injected something like sunshine into my veins. and i'm pretty sure it pushed out a little of the fear....or it tried as hard as it possibly could.

i met innocence today. she was wild and small and full of spark. oh, and she loved Winnie the Pooh. it was good to see God's face like that again. and i am positive that she was a cherabim before God sent her to earth....or maybe she just hasn't lost her wings yet.

did i mention?

did i mention i LOVE love love my new camera? i took over 325 pictures today--i guess you could say i was a bit camera happy. got to spend time in God's rain at the park by the river. so fun.









did i mention that i think Zits (the comic) absolutely makes my day? how do they come up with these things? hilarious.





did i mention God is awesome AWESOME awesome? He is continually suprising me and blessing my life beyond all imaginable measure. making dreams come true and inspiring me daily.









did i mention i kinda really A LOT miss a certain someone? he's a pretty cool dude i know....totally an amazing inspiration in my life.










did i mention that i got to walk in the rain today? it was lovely.







and that pretty much sums up my day--lovely.





thanks God.

guitar

so i tried to learn the guitar once. didn't work out too hot for me. but you know what? that is okay because now i have someone awesome who plays for me all the time :) but really--you should hear him....quite a gift i'd say (wink wink).

i was reading through Zits and came across the one above. it was like deja vu; where have i seen that before, i thought?! and then, like the ocean tide, it came to me.....i've seen this cool guy put on a performance like this....except without the guitar...and while he is driving. air guitar all the way. (haha!!)

okay okay. just kidding jon. hope you know that :)

on a lighter note--or heavier, whichever you choose--i had 8 teenagers here last night. they were actually quite self sufficient. they are currently sprawled out on top of one another downstairs...pretty cute if you ask me :) [and it is cute, not CUTE]. lots of screaming girls, lots of ice cream eaten, lots of make-up played with....lots of memories for them.

nothing is on the agenda today. perhaps transporting my sisters to other social gatherings. probably cleaning up after the tornado of girls leaves. hopefully talking with this cool dude i know. maybe taking a walk in God's rain, too :) and for sure sitting by the fire soaking up the last days of being home.

{sigh}

it was probably back in elementary school when i was overwhelmed with shock for the first time. i was left speechless when one of the boys in my table 'pod' burped, farted, and coughed--all-at-once. it seemed humanly impossible. i had no words...it was like a hugely impressive circus act all compacted into one little body. and so...i'm left with no other choice than to explain the last 24 hours of my life as a similar performance.

i can't believe it was only 20 hours ago that my life changed. totally, completely changed. i can only imagine what it would be like to be sprayed with a firefighter hose or attacked by an giant squid or hugged by big foot....but yup, i feel like that. {sigh} i am relieved...and dumbfounded... and awe-struck....and totally high on adrenaline. so now...its official...[can't believe it]....

i am going to medical school.

wow. {sigh}. and after my news last night (and subsequent leaps over the house, severe muscle twitches from excitement, and extreme speechlessness), my day today just kept getting better....how does God do it?!!?

first, i leaped out of bed this morning at 5:45 a.m. had to wake up my sisters (times about 15 until they actually rolled their lazy selves out from under the cozy covers). made myself a HUGE cup of hot chocolate and watched the beautiful sunrise; pink, blue, orange....the sky seemed so big and there i was on my porch (freezing in the wind, by the way) thinking i was so small. in the grand scheme of things, my life is only one of billions that will exist on this temporary Earth during its lifetime. but the coolest thing is that my life matters to God. He has blessed it soooo much. {sigh}

after another trip to middle school this morning (you'd think i was a student or something for how many times i've been there this week), i took my lil' red Charvie in to get serviced....looks like he'll be needin' a new battery soon. gotta start saving more of my pennie$.

then i got to scrapbook :) it makes me happy...recording memories, i mean. i was quite efficient if i do say so myself. called amanda and talked about life for over an hour. and i got a few text messages that made me smile [they were sent at about noon and were from a cool dude i know].
another trip to middle school....then picked up one of my sisters' friends for a photo shoot---which also made me happy because i get super excited to take pictures especially with my new camera!!! {sigh}. note: the lighting wasn't optimum, though, and the pictures didn't turn out extremely well--but there are a couple of the decent ones posted:)

and then i got a very special card from someone amazing :) totally made my day---it was the icing on the already-delicious cake. {sigh}. i think i'm still beaming!

and then i got flowers delivered and a 'congrats' balloon that sings "celebrate good times...come on" from my parents for getting into med school. gosh they are great. {sigh}

and then it started pouring rain....which made me extremely happy (but not as happy as my special card). took a trip to the grocery store in an effort to stock up on food for the 8 teenagers that will be over here tomorrow night...all night. pray for me....i am begging you. and then sometime tonight i get to talk to that very special someone again. {sigh}

what a great day. no, no. great is an understatement that doesn't even come close to describing the life-altering events that have taken place in the last 24 hours. what a God day--totally and continually blessed by Him.

and on top of all that...guess what?!! i am wearing those fancy boots again today--and my feet are veeeerrrryyy cozy. it's all good. {sigh}

happy

whoever thought of these boots must be entirely out of their minds. i noticed four feet this morning walking out the door with my shoes on--the feet just happened to belong to the 2 teenagers i am currently surpervising. so i was left with slim pickings for footwear...and these were the chosen ones. i feel like they are my golden tickets to stardom; stardom for making such trendy fashion choices or the alternate: a county jail for illegal poaching or sour style. either way, i feel the same: like a teenager with cozy feet.

puffy is so cute--cute and annoying, that is. he was whining at me all morning for more people food (little does he know it is laced with medicine). what a life he's got. he smells really bad right now too. oh dogs....can't live with 'em but miss 'em when they are gone (hmmm....depending on who you ask, you might get that same answer from some women on living with men).

so alongside my super-trendy fashion choices and the little white fur ball that has kept me busy today, my day, thus far, has made me extremely happy. it was like God spiked my water this morning with happiness--for some reason i've just been beaming all day. i was driving this morning thinking about Jesus and special people and my sisters and the sunshine....and i couldn't help but smile. with all that has been on my mind, i am honestly a bit surprised that i am so lighthearted about life--but that just proves God's magic even more! He is totally duderific.

hallelujah

i realized tonight that this blog has become more of a soul-bowl than anything else--a place where i silently spill my heart with no knowledge of who is reading on the other side. this wasn't my original intent...it was to serve as more of a daily record; something to look back on and see growth and change. but it has become more than that; it has become a vessel, an outlet, where i feel ultimately comfortable giving the world a glimpse of my heart. it's something new for me--vulnerability, i mean. but, as the old adage goes, sometimes you have to let yourself go in order to get yourself back. so i am letting go, letting loose, and totally feeling the return. it has never before been as real to me as it is now. so thanks, to whomever out there is reading; thanks for being on the other side, reading in between the lines of my heart-song.

my Bible is open next to me right now. 2 Corinthains is staring me in the face. and i totally hear a mumble from God--i just can't quite make out what He is saying. i feel like He is trying so hard to squeeze something out of me--something entirely foreign to my being. it is like a rumble just before an earthquake--a warning sign that something big is coming. but whatever it is, i am confident that God will open doors and pad the floors (reference 2 Cor 2:12-13)...making it evermore easy for me to sing His praise.

Who can hold the stars

And my weary heart?

Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard

Sometimes I feel so far

But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain

Swim the ocean

Or do anything

But it's when you hold me

That I start unfolding

And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me

Help me to sing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me

I'll choose to sing hallelujah

[Hallelujah, Bethany Dillon]

excess

it seems that excess has come upon me, covering me with joy in the light of its presence. i am struck by grace and on my knees by faith; amazed and confused and delighted with God's generosity.

needing to reflect on His power. needing to dive into His heart. and right now, seriously needing some sleep. more to come tomorrow.

but know that i am smiling tonight. because of an excess of hugs. because of an excess of nature's beauty and smiles and laughter. because of an excess of blessings.

journey

refer to the title of this post. and no, i'm not talking about the band Journey, i am talking about my own journey. my journey through 2006--all 365 days of it...and beyond ("to infinity...and beyond"--okay not quite...to eternity and beyond might be more like it though).

i'm not one who usually makes yearly goals at the dawn of the new year. with my lack-of-persistence, they tend to get stacked up, pushed away, buried in all the papers and schoolwork and day-to-day life. in other words, the goals i make rarely get revisited, muchless actually accomplished.

but something told me that this year would be different; a spark of sorts that rolled into my heart by luck--or by fait or God (probably the latter). this spark ignited something--something very personal. but i am willing to share it. why? because i think it is necessary...because i think it is necessary to document this new journey, and to be held accountable (both directly and indirectly) for where it might take me. and so i was inspired to write...i wrote and wrote and wrote--8 pages of writing in my journal, actually. 8 pages of new goals, hopes, aspirations. and no, i am not going to share all 8 pages--some things need to be left within private binding; but i will share parts--the important ones at least.

just finisihed Wild at Heart. wow. my heart cry right now is full of thanks. thanks to God for making me a woman, thanks to Jesus for being my spiritual warrior, thanks to my 2 Dad's for assurring me i am lovely, and an entirely innocent thanks for my newest inspiration.

how incredible is it that God created me because He wanted me. not that He needed me--He had thousands of legions of angels on His side, the company of Heavenly Hosts, and the world at His fingertips. He made me, handcrafted every curve and breathed life into my lungs. He made a little space for Himself in my heart, and wrote a desire on the walls of my being. He wanted me to grow into Him...to gradually fill the void with more of Him and less of the other things the world provides.

and, as i am just realizing--again and for the first time--God wanted the road to be unpaved. i am not supposed to know what is around the corner. partly to lean more on Him and partly to take the time and effort to truly search my heart. Wild at Heart asked What is your heart yearning for? What is it telling you? and i am making the decision to begin a new search for the answer. it's time to bare my soul to the One who already knows what it contains, time to being a new journey into deeper understanding of who i am, who God is, and of the relationshiops around me and those that are part of me. time to make myself vulnerable, keeping in mind that as long as i follow God's lead and strive to do His work, my life has purpse--ultimate purpose that the world cannot come close to offering.

and finally, FINALLY, i feel good about this search, this heart cry. i feel good about making myself just a bit--okay a lot--more vulnerable. i feel good about truly listening to what God has to say and deciphering what He wrote on my heart at the beginning of time. No longer is it about the money, the prestige, the 'helping people'. no longer is it about the education or even the relationships. but finally i feel like my entire being is wanting to focus on the Savior, the Creator...the Inventor. i don't want to enter this unchartered terriroty unprepared. i don't want to go in without supplies or tools....for gosh sakes i could have the One who MADE the territory by my side.

with all that potentially lies before me, i want to be filled with the holy power to give my 110%...no my 200% to my calling, my faith, my family, my friendships, my relationship. i don't want to begin one thing (e.g. Med school) and find that i have to sacrifice a portion of something else to stay afloat. i want to have it all...and i can have it all. it may not be all i want, but God knows it will be all i truly desire. by trusting Him--giving it all to Him, i know i will be more filled, more satisfied than i could ever ask or imagine. granted it won't be immediate. it could take years, decades even. so part of my prayer is for endurance. endurance to tough out the rough times, to "push through" as Jon would put it. the rough times financially, educationally, relationally, and most of all spiritually. i realize now that a large part of my hesitation, my teetering and half-empty perspective has been an enemy attack. an attempt to cut me down...to emphasize the "empty womb of Eve" and my instinctual desire to be rescued from my tower. the Enemy knows my weakest footholds, knows the desires of my heart, and has taken every attempt--and will continue to do so--to play up my weaknesses and uncertainties and play down my confidence and strength. He is no fool, and i cant be one either.

so, just as Captivating so accurately outlined, i want--no...want is an understatement--i yearn to be part of this greater battle. i am trusting that God will provide the leader and that He'll be the ultimate commander. and, for the first time in my life, i'm actually not afraid. i'm not scared to charge full force into undiscovered waters of regret, through dense forests of memories, and climb mountains of guilt and gossip. i am not afraid to be that maiden, to make myself vulnerable...even to hurt. sure, my heart squirms at the thought and is tempted to relinquish its stance, but my calling won't let it. i am ready...finally ready. i want to know more about myself--about God--and ultimately about His purpose for my life. if my place is in a home tending to my children (counting i'm blessed with some), then my prayer is for Him to prepare my heart for that. if my place is in a clinic with a white coat, then prepare my heart (and my brain) for that. and then again...what if there is another place...one far greater than i can even begin to think of now. what if that is my place? No. this i know. that is my place...one far greater than i can think of now. how do i know? because i know with full certainty that God wants the very best for me. and by trusting Him, I'm allowing Him to make my life better than i could possibly imagine.

that's not to say it won't be a life without trials and turmoil and tears. thats not to say relationships will be easy, not to say a career (if that is where i am led) will be the land of Oz--although it may prove entertaining if all my coworkers were midgets....but that's not to say my life will be black and white either. in fact, i know it will be full of color.

this new endeavor, as grand as it may seem, really has 3 main goals:
1) to be true to myself
2) to fix broken relationships
3) to find the character of God....and recognize it in daily life

the FIRST: to be true to myself. i think i've always lived with somewhat of a facade--a guard closed over my mouth and over my heart. i can't quite say where the tendency to block myself came from, or even where the layers of hardened seal were added, but life events have made me keenly aware of its presence. and it wasn't until December 2004 that i began to break down one of the barriers..........God gave me the wisdom to turn to him. so i made it my almost-daily prayer...to make God's love sufficient. and ever-so-gradually, it become just that. it became more than that, in fact........ my prayer on this new adventure is to be true to myself. to not back away from what God has placed in my life, to not build up the seal and certainly keep my head and my heart out of the dungeon i have made--where air is in short supply and dreams tend to die. to stay true to the woman God has made me...and keep the promise and prayer to Him that His love will always be sufficient.

the SECOND: to fix broken relationships. this trip to arizona has really made me realize something: i am a disappointment. my dad talked to me and said something that i've never really processed before...or perhpas i've "chewed" but never really "swallowed". i realized after he said it that in a large way, a largely reciprocal way, i have disappointed DeAnna. wow. my thought before was that she didn't like me, that she was in competition with either me or my mom. and while a very minute fraction of that might be true, what is true is that i wasn't the daughter she bargained for. i wasn't the child she always wanted....the girl to paint nails and share secrets with. not because i couldn't be. but because i didn't want to be. how could she not take offense to that? and on top of that, i never really gave her or my Dad a chance to be my parents. sorry guys....although you love me and have valiently tried to show me, that slot has already been taken, position filled. ouch. what a slap in the face. no wonder they rebelled. no wonder they retreated. the two of them--and then alec--were the forgotten family. the ones who tried but never--and still don't--made the grade. and given, they have hurt me too. hurt me a lot in many ways i can't begin to desribe or understand. but that, in a large part, is the very purpose of this journey. to find first a way to reconcile the rift between my memories and my heart, and second to reconcile the relationship that has hung by a ravelling thread for too long. it will be quite painful, i am certain. the rewards may be few and for sure will not be immediate. but it will be worth it. if not in this life, then in the next.

and finally THIRD: to find the character of God and recognize it in daily life. to dig deeper into a Book--a history--i haven't ever before cared to discover. to enter a spiritual realm i haven't before dared to venture. i want to know about this God--who made organic molecules and the Nitrogen cycle, who crafted all hundred-and-something bones in my body and still had time to paint the starfish bright colors. i want to know this God who inspired royalty and makes rags riches; who lives in the hearts of man and the head of beasts. i want to know the bravery and the beauty, the wild and the wonderful; i want to know the fearsome and flawlesss...saving and sacrificial side of the One i am giving my life to. i want to know God intimately...to enter into a loving relationship with Him....to be, through my faith, awe-inspired and delighted in by the Creator of the Universe.

so as i embark on this journey, this wild and wonderful new faith cahpter, i pray especially for endurance, for support, and for wisdom--in my time use, in my choices, and in my desparate seeking.

there is no turning back now. i have to take this leap of faith and trust that God will give me wings on the way down.