journey

refer to the title of this post. and no, i'm not talking about the band Journey, i am talking about my own journey. my journey through 2006--all 365 days of it...and beyond ("to infinity...and beyond"--okay not quite...to eternity and beyond might be more like it though).

i'm not one who usually makes yearly goals at the dawn of the new year. with my lack-of-persistence, they tend to get stacked up, pushed away, buried in all the papers and schoolwork and day-to-day life. in other words, the goals i make rarely get revisited, muchless actually accomplished.

but something told me that this year would be different; a spark of sorts that rolled into my heart by luck--or by fait or God (probably the latter). this spark ignited something--something very personal. but i am willing to share it. why? because i think it is necessary...because i think it is necessary to document this new journey, and to be held accountable (both directly and indirectly) for where it might take me. and so i was inspired to write...i wrote and wrote and wrote--8 pages of writing in my journal, actually. 8 pages of new goals, hopes, aspirations. and no, i am not going to share all 8 pages--some things need to be left within private binding; but i will share parts--the important ones at least.

just finisihed Wild at Heart. wow. my heart cry right now is full of thanks. thanks to God for making me a woman, thanks to Jesus for being my spiritual warrior, thanks to my 2 Dad's for assurring me i am lovely, and an entirely innocent thanks for my newest inspiration.

how incredible is it that God created me because He wanted me. not that He needed me--He had thousands of legions of angels on His side, the company of Heavenly Hosts, and the world at His fingertips. He made me, handcrafted every curve and breathed life into my lungs. He made a little space for Himself in my heart, and wrote a desire on the walls of my being. He wanted me to grow into Him...to gradually fill the void with more of Him and less of the other things the world provides.

and, as i am just realizing--again and for the first time--God wanted the road to be unpaved. i am not supposed to know what is around the corner. partly to lean more on Him and partly to take the time and effort to truly search my heart. Wild at Heart asked What is your heart yearning for? What is it telling you? and i am making the decision to begin a new search for the answer. it's time to bare my soul to the One who already knows what it contains, time to being a new journey into deeper understanding of who i am, who God is, and of the relationshiops around me and those that are part of me. time to make myself vulnerable, keeping in mind that as long as i follow God's lead and strive to do His work, my life has purpse--ultimate purpose that the world cannot come close to offering.

and finally, FINALLY, i feel good about this search, this heart cry. i feel good about making myself just a bit--okay a lot--more vulnerable. i feel good about truly listening to what God has to say and deciphering what He wrote on my heart at the beginning of time. No longer is it about the money, the prestige, the 'helping people'. no longer is it about the education or even the relationships. but finally i feel like my entire being is wanting to focus on the Savior, the Creator...the Inventor. i don't want to enter this unchartered terriroty unprepared. i don't want to go in without supplies or tools....for gosh sakes i could have the One who MADE the territory by my side.

with all that potentially lies before me, i want to be filled with the holy power to give my 110%...no my 200% to my calling, my faith, my family, my friendships, my relationship. i don't want to begin one thing (e.g. Med school) and find that i have to sacrifice a portion of something else to stay afloat. i want to have it all...and i can have it all. it may not be all i want, but God knows it will be all i truly desire. by trusting Him--giving it all to Him, i know i will be more filled, more satisfied than i could ever ask or imagine. granted it won't be immediate. it could take years, decades even. so part of my prayer is for endurance. endurance to tough out the rough times, to "push through" as Jon would put it. the rough times financially, educationally, relationally, and most of all spiritually. i realize now that a large part of my hesitation, my teetering and half-empty perspective has been an enemy attack. an attempt to cut me down...to emphasize the "empty womb of Eve" and my instinctual desire to be rescued from my tower. the Enemy knows my weakest footholds, knows the desires of my heart, and has taken every attempt--and will continue to do so--to play up my weaknesses and uncertainties and play down my confidence and strength. He is no fool, and i cant be one either.

so, just as Captivating so accurately outlined, i want--no...want is an understatement--i yearn to be part of this greater battle. i am trusting that God will provide the leader and that He'll be the ultimate commander. and, for the first time in my life, i'm actually not afraid. i'm not scared to charge full force into undiscovered waters of regret, through dense forests of memories, and climb mountains of guilt and gossip. i am not afraid to be that maiden, to make myself vulnerable...even to hurt. sure, my heart squirms at the thought and is tempted to relinquish its stance, but my calling won't let it. i am ready...finally ready. i want to know more about myself--about God--and ultimately about His purpose for my life. if my place is in a home tending to my children (counting i'm blessed with some), then my prayer is for Him to prepare my heart for that. if my place is in a clinic with a white coat, then prepare my heart (and my brain) for that. and then again...what if there is another place...one far greater than i can even begin to think of now. what if that is my place? No. this i know. that is my place...one far greater than i can think of now. how do i know? because i know with full certainty that God wants the very best for me. and by trusting Him, I'm allowing Him to make my life better than i could possibly imagine.

that's not to say it won't be a life without trials and turmoil and tears. thats not to say relationships will be easy, not to say a career (if that is where i am led) will be the land of Oz--although it may prove entertaining if all my coworkers were midgets....but that's not to say my life will be black and white either. in fact, i know it will be full of color.

this new endeavor, as grand as it may seem, really has 3 main goals:
1) to be true to myself
2) to fix broken relationships
3) to find the character of God....and recognize it in daily life

the FIRST: to be true to myself. i think i've always lived with somewhat of a facade--a guard closed over my mouth and over my heart. i can't quite say where the tendency to block myself came from, or even where the layers of hardened seal were added, but life events have made me keenly aware of its presence. and it wasn't until December 2004 that i began to break down one of the barriers..........God gave me the wisdom to turn to him. so i made it my almost-daily prayer...to make God's love sufficient. and ever-so-gradually, it become just that. it became more than that, in fact........ my prayer on this new adventure is to be true to myself. to not back away from what God has placed in my life, to not build up the seal and certainly keep my head and my heart out of the dungeon i have made--where air is in short supply and dreams tend to die. to stay true to the woman God has made me...and keep the promise and prayer to Him that His love will always be sufficient.

the SECOND: to fix broken relationships. this trip to arizona has really made me realize something: i am a disappointment. my dad talked to me and said something that i've never really processed before...or perhpas i've "chewed" but never really "swallowed". i realized after he said it that in a large way, a largely reciprocal way, i have disappointed DeAnna. wow. my thought before was that she didn't like me, that she was in competition with either me or my mom. and while a very minute fraction of that might be true, what is true is that i wasn't the daughter she bargained for. i wasn't the child she always wanted....the girl to paint nails and share secrets with. not because i couldn't be. but because i didn't want to be. how could she not take offense to that? and on top of that, i never really gave her or my Dad a chance to be my parents. sorry guys....although you love me and have valiently tried to show me, that slot has already been taken, position filled. ouch. what a slap in the face. no wonder they rebelled. no wonder they retreated. the two of them--and then alec--were the forgotten family. the ones who tried but never--and still don't--made the grade. and given, they have hurt me too. hurt me a lot in many ways i can't begin to desribe or understand. but that, in a large part, is the very purpose of this journey. to find first a way to reconcile the rift between my memories and my heart, and second to reconcile the relationship that has hung by a ravelling thread for too long. it will be quite painful, i am certain. the rewards may be few and for sure will not be immediate. but it will be worth it. if not in this life, then in the next.

and finally THIRD: to find the character of God and recognize it in daily life. to dig deeper into a Book--a history--i haven't ever before cared to discover. to enter a spiritual realm i haven't before dared to venture. i want to know about this God--who made organic molecules and the Nitrogen cycle, who crafted all hundred-and-something bones in my body and still had time to paint the starfish bright colors. i want to know this God who inspired royalty and makes rags riches; who lives in the hearts of man and the head of beasts. i want to know the bravery and the beauty, the wild and the wonderful; i want to know the fearsome and flawlesss...saving and sacrificial side of the One i am giving my life to. i want to know God intimately...to enter into a loving relationship with Him....to be, through my faith, awe-inspired and delighted in by the Creator of the Universe.

so as i embark on this journey, this wild and wonderful new faith cahpter, i pray especially for endurance, for support, and for wisdom--in my time use, in my choices, and in my desparate seeking.

there is no turning back now. i have to take this leap of faith and trust that God will give me wings on the way down.