quarter century.

we had a birthday--an important one--'round these parts yesterday. :) i was ambitious & made these cupcakes (which turned out fantastic if i do say so myself!!...i did substitue hot chocolate for cocoa powder & they were still very yummy! never going back to boxed cakes after how easy these were!).

we've decided to celebrate jon's birthday on the actual day, moving our valentine's day to august 20 (chinese valentine's day).

he gets a real birthday....we both get a real day of LOVE!

and speaking of LOVE, my how i have fallen in love with this man...all over again. we had so much fun together this weekend :) makes me even more excited for our future... his day started off with a typical breakfast--ketchup heart & preparation compliment of me (Gay, i did add a heart to his day....just not on the cupcakes). we had a few errands to run, so our late morning to afternoon hours were spent running from place-to-place just getting things done. Rusty & Gay (jon's parents) planned a scavenger hunt to lead him to his birthday present (which had been stashed in my closet all week, unbeknowst to him). i non-chalantly handed him the envelope as we were pulling out of the pharmacy parking lot...

our first stop was Starbucks where we learned some very random facts about Fayetteville & found a new place to visit on a free weekend!

we were sent to our "Hometown Eiffel Tower" that sits oddly in the parking lot of a run-down grocery store...we stayed in the car since it was rainy :)

we drove to our first apartment here in NC (no interesting pictures there).


then headed back on post to visit "Iron Man"...
...& took a picture (well, more like 15 pictures--i had a double chin in all the others)...

our last stop was supposed to be a swingset but since the school playground didn't have one, we opted for the Zebra.

i made jon find his gift in the house...which was strategically placed in my closet (there'd be no reason for him to go looking in there...or would there??!!)

& thanks to his parents, he now has a guitar to take on deployment...which can be scratched & dinged & filled with sand, without guilt :)

we had a humble little birthday party--just the two of us. and my lack-of-planning ahead left us without birthday candles to blow out. at least the cupcakes were cute, yes?

the night was topped off with yummy pizza from one of our favorite local restaurants...having a birthday on valentine's day certainly doesn't bode well for a quiet evening out. our movie plans were botched due to a night of completely sold-out showtimes...but we did catch a few snuggles on the couch :)

it is hard to believe that jon has been part of this Earthly world for a quarter century...almost three years of which he's been part of my life.

i like to think it's the best part.

Happy Birthday, Handsome ;)

{LOVE day}

doors.

at the end of the day, when i'd like to get back to my apartment & sit on my rock-of-a-bed, i have to get out my keys. because oh my heavens there are a LOT of doors i have to open...

first, the door from the computer lab to the hallway--which i did not take a picture of. it is bright yellow--the color of big bird, in case you were wondering.

second--this pretty blue door connecting the hallway to the floor entry.
third--this door connecting the floor entry to the stairwell.

fourth--the door connecting the stairwell to the first floor entry.

fifth--the door connecting the first floor hallway to the side stairwell.

sixth--the door connecting the side stairwell to the outside.

seventh--the door to my apartment building.

eighth--the door to my apartment.

by this time, my hand is very tired. as is my bicep muscle from pulling the SOLID METAL DOORS open.

good thing i consider that my workout...i can't imagine what would happen should i actaully exercise!! i might get stuck outside from muscle fatigue....

keys.

there are exactly seven locked doors between my apartment & the computer lab, the only place other than the starbucks 20 miles away that i have access to the internet. and except for the stone-age-speed of the internet in the computer lab, i'm just grateful to feel "connected" to the world.

in fact, locked doors are EVERYWHERE on the campus of the psychiatric hospital i'm working at. patients have a tendency to try to escape, or "elope" as they call it. just the other day walking through the halls, a "Code 1" was called over the loud speaker--which meant that every available nursing personnel & security came running because one of the female patients was trying to escape & run down the stairwell.

she didn't get too far.

i got my own set of keys when i arrived here. and aside from the fact that they make me feel very special & important...they also allow me to use the bathroom and you know, get in the building. i soon discovered they were more of a necessity than a glamorous wristlet i got to carry around all day.

and see that whistle? that shiny whistle?

that, my friends, is my only way of calling for help, should one of the felons they are holding on a self-proclaimed "insanity" plea decide to take me down. with no phone & brick walls connected by locked doors...i'll be left blowing that whistle.

and given my impaired sense of direction, it will also come in handy when i get lost...in which case i'll be blowing that whistle & hugging a tree. just like Barney taught me....

rural.

i complained before about west virginia. and how there was nothing there--and really, my complaints were totally ligit. and now, ironically, i'm only 20-or-so-miles from a large city and feel more isolated than i ever have in WV.

i'm currently sitting in a starbucks, paying $3/hour to use their WiFi--since the place I'm not staying has no wifi, no cell phone reception, no land line, no kitchen, & lots of deer.

so please forgive me if i don't email you or update my facebook status or post on my blog regularly...these days, i'm just trying to remember to bury the toilet paper after i pee in the hole i dug behind the pine tree on the side of my apartment building.

hindsight.

In the very early Spring of 2005, I attended a retreat at Gonzaga. Tucked away in a little town in Idaho, I learned that I'd been searching for someONE for far too long. And that was the weekend I realized that I would continue to seek my entire life in empty pursuits if I didn't put God first...if I didn't love myself for all He had made me. So I made a commitment to myself that from then on I would only seek ONE LOVE: God's. At the closure of the retreat, we had a few moments to pen a letter to ourselves--a letter that we would receive a few weeks later in the mail. I wrote. I licked the envelope. And I moved on with my life, with my tests, with my friendhsips.

A fury of photo organization & nearly four years later, I found that hand penned letter in a container of miscellaneous papers & photos. This is what it said:

April 10, 2005

J.

Well, it’s been a couple weeks now. Finals are most definitely rolling around—life is probably crazy. But if you remember only one thing, remember this: GOD’S LOVE IS SUFFICIENT.

Sufficient enough that you don’t have to worry too much. Sufficient enough that you shouldn’t be concerned about your future, the content of your character, your beauty, your heart, or even the faith that seems to be so highly acclaimed. What I am so excited about as I am writing this is the idea that YOU, Ms. Goody-too-shoes makes mistakes. But the best part is that GOD deals with them.

He knows already how your chemistry class will turn out, if you’ll get into med school, if you’re supposed to get into med school, WHO is out there for you…& what He created you for. You should be proud of your work ethic & grateful for the amazing amazing amazing community of people, believers, & brothers & sisters in Christ you have at Gonzaga. Carpe diem…because guess what??! There aren’t too many left in Spokane. Be able to look back with no regrets. And don’t waste your tiring neurons on empty thoughts or meaningless questions. Just trust…and know that GOD’S LOVE IS SUFFICIENT.

Keep LOVING, ~jlyn

"God's Love is Sufficient" became a mantra I repeated each day, each hour maybe. I had to realize that God’s, & ONLY God’s love is sufficient before He would let me grasp hold of the fact that someone else might love me too. I had to be content with MYSELF, with MY LIFE, with MY ABILITIES before He would let someone else discover them.

And He did let someone else discover them. Jon literally walked into my life almost 6 months to the day I wrote this letter. After literally months of prayer to grow more comfortable in my own skin, God ever-so-slowly let someone else see me as who I really was.

Oddly enough, the night of our first kiss, Jon told me to "Carpe diem" as well--a statement which has become a running joke in our household. Turns out, he wasn't too far off.

And that, my friends, is the AWESOME power of God's provision.

daily {pixels}

i'm LOVING this family photo shoot.

HERE.

signs...

i'm done with OB/GYN. done with boobs, babies, & crotches. done. done. done.

i liked it.

but not that much.

and it is probably a good thing that i'm done. because the last few times i've driven by this mountain during my 240 miles between my two homes, i've realized something...

it looks like a nipple.

a real, live nipple.

so from now on, in remembrance of this rotation, i hereby dub this Nipple Mountain.

proof.

this is what you get when you combine one very bored medical student with a phone capable of taking photos:

this is what you get when you combine one very bored medical student, a phone capable of taking photos, & a few minutes to spare in the bathroom:

this is what you get when you combine one very bored medical student, a phone capable of taking photos, a few minutes to spare in the bathroom, & the realization that someone is coming through the door just as the camera shutter closes:

pretty, huh?

death.

I vividly remember the end of the movie—and the tears that streamed from the corners of my eyes. After the credit’s were rolling, I drug myself out to my grandma’s dining room where my parents were talking in a fit of emotion & vowed that I would never again watch “All Dogs Go to Heaven”.

It was right after my beloved PeeWee died.

And I’ve kept that promise. Though, oddly enough, the kidlike hope found in that movie moved me in such a way at my ripe young age that the memory has never left me. From early on, I knew death was a serious matter.

My grandparents, friends, & other family members have sporadically traded their Earthly bodies for one more permanent. The years of my teenagehood weren’t without funerals, memorial services, & surprising news of unexpected deaths—whether friends, family, or someone who knew someone I knew.

Like most people, the grip of death didn’t take hold until later. Months, usually. When I realized that Grandpa wasn’t going to send me Twix anymore. Or that sailing trips were a thing of the past. Or that there wouldn’t be anymore splashing in Maui waves with one hilarious red-swimsuit clad man.

It took awhile for the gravity of the situation to sink in. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I ever let it sink in completely.

I came to understand that death was something that happened. WE ALL DIE at some point. In fact, we were born to die—life on this Earth is not permanent (thank God!). I certainly didn’t fear death—it was something that happened…to someone else. But the magnitude, the reality, the process of dying—of my own death—was something that up until this year I didn’t let myself ponder.

And since my experiences in the halls of the hospital with terminal pneumonia patients, sepsis, men & women on ventilators, codes, a mother’s worst nightmare, and innocence lost, death has knocked on my door more than once. There have been more nights than I can count where I lay awake at night, unable to sleep, unable to understand it all.

Not that I expect to have all the answers—or even look for them. But some of my patient’s deaths seem so…unjustified, unfair, unexpected.

And the truth is that I am terrified. Of my own death. Alone. Of my husband’s death, leaving me alone. Of the death of my parents, my siblings, my friends. When all whom I love have gone before me, it seems there should be little joy left to be found. Which is why I don’t understand why, in medicine, we visit the elderly in nursing homes to fill them full of happy tablets after the death of everyone closest to them leaves them depressed...why, in medicine, we expect the grieving widow to find solace in a blue pill with each meal when her partner & best friend has left her house quiet & her bed empty…why, in medicine, we stand over the chair of an expectant husband whose wife was just brought in by ambulance & leave him in his own silent grief when we tell him the woman he married is naked, blue, & lifeless in the room next door.

Happy tablets don’t bring them back.
Pills don’t take away the pain.
Silence doesn’t make the dead breathe again.

In my opinion, the culture of our no-I-can’t-wait country has lead to the desire for an “instant fix”. But I can’t help but put myself in that widow’s shoes…in her bed…in her house. And if Jon marches off to war & doesn’t return, I want to grieve. I need to grieve. I don’t want blue pills with my meals—in fact, chances are good I won’t want meals at all. I don’t want silence or solitary embraces with empty remarks of sorrow—I want real, live moans because the love of my life is no longer in my life.

There are no instant fixes. And there is no easy way to approach the subject. Death is real…and, at some point, will hit all of us with full-no-looking-back fury.

I’m still emotional about my patients--& even more emotional about my husband marching off to war. Often times, I have to excuse myself from the room so my tears aren’t evident—for most, there isn’t much worse than a crying doctor.

But I can’t lose that reality, those raw fits of emotion. I can’t be too quick to wipe away those tears that stream from the corners of my eyes. Because for me, there is nothing that can contain the unbridled torment of reality…the reality that tomorrow may not come for all of us…the reality that life is fleeting…the reality that, at the end of the day, we’ve wasted the past 24 hours in selfish pursuits.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life.

The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

–Norman Cousins

Recommended reading: Fear of Dying, Healed Release, Live Ready, Make Pearls

i should have known better.

last week, my preceptor & myself were scheduled for three surgeries.



now, for any established physician who works reguarly in the O.R., three scheduled surgeries shouldn't be a big deal. and in fact, it isn't. things should go smoothly. which, in fact, they did.



the problem, however, arose when the clock struck 8:30am & i walked out of the women's locker room in the surgery suite in a rush because my preceptor told me to arrive on the Labor & Delivery floor at 8:30am & i wasn't there yet.



and so i rushed out of the surgery suite, down the hall, around the corner, through the security doors, down the hall, around the corner, and came to a screeching halt at the nurses station in the L&D ward.



which is when i caught my breath, made sure i remembered to put my pants on, and looked around...



no preceptor.



and so i waited.



and waited.



and waited.



and waited.



until finally the clockface said 9:45 & i made someone call his office--whom, by the way, hadn't heard from him.



and so i waited.



and waited.



and waited.



and waited.



and then i had to pee.



so in an effort to get the most privacy, i went back around the corner, down the hall, through the security doors, around the corner, down the hall, & back into the surgery suite locker room.



which is where i urinated.



and then took this photo:


subsequently realizing that no self-righteous person would take such a photo, proclaiming to the world that i look (& feel) like i work in a cafeteria.



good thing i'm not self-righteous, huh?

another one...

i can't help but add another goal to my list for 2009. but before i make the big reveal, i must explain that i find more enjoyment than i probably should by looking at food. not eating it, not smelling it, not cooking it...just looking at it.

so it shouldn't come as any surprise that i've found the following blogs to be rather therapeutic. have a bad day? look at food. feel bad about gaining 10 pounds? look at food. want to make the world a better place? look at food. wishing for world peace? look at food.

see? its the solution to most of life's problems (just remember i didn't say eat the food).

and i'm just going to go ahead & put it out there that i'm only trying to make the world a better place--world peace, remember?

my goal? to make cupcakes. lots of yummy cupcakes.

like these. and these.

temptation.

My feet were tingling. I’d been standing for at least 45 minutes. In one spot. Frozen, if you will. Restricted in front by the physician & the patient (not to mention the sterile field), on the left by the anesthesia curtain, & on the right by the sterile trays of instruments…I’d been standing on a one-foot-square stool for far too long--& I was getting quite bored.

The scrub nurse in front of me (she is in charge of handling all the requested instruments) was getting clausterphobic & boldly announced that I’d better move quickly or else (they are kind of in charge in the O.R., aside from the physician). She “shooed” me away with her gloved hand & I bolted from my restricted position & glued myself against the cupboard behind me to get out of her way before a shiny instrument was thrown as reinforcement.

Which is when the anesthesiologist (they are always so nice) felt sorry for me & invited me into her space at the head of the patient.

Low-and-behold!! The view was SO MUCH BETTER from up there! I could see everything! And the best part was that my feet could move!! What an amazing feeling it was!

I was admiring my newly discovered surroundings when I glanced down & noticed that the patient’s face, normally entirely hidden from my view by the anesthesiologist curtain, was covered in a plastic sheet. Occassionally the sheet would be lifted so the patient’s skin could breathe (machine’s were breathing for the patient).

She was a pretty lady. Highlited hair. Manicured fingernails. I even noticed eyeliner & mascara under the tape they’d put over her eyelids to keep them shut during general anesthesia.

Which is when I noticed them.

And I swear to you, it took all the inner strength I could muster to resist the temptation to reach into the sterile field, grab a hemostat, & pluck those eyebrows so-help-me-God.

Who said surgery was about the patient, anyways?

scalpel. masterson. SPOON.

I learned a few things in the OR recently.

Like how they call giant tweezers “pick ups”. Or how they call a giant hemostat a "Masterson."

Aside from the obvious, like “scalpel” and “forceps”, there are other funny words. Like “prom”, “graves”, “Kavorkian”, and “noves”. I’m not exactly sure what all of these mean—or who the heck named them. But I do know that in a dire situation where my help was needed finding a “Kavorkian”, I’d likely dial 4-1-1 & ask for the physicians number.

Being a surgeon is kind of a cushy job. You use fancy soap packaged in little plastic. You have special “under fingernail” cleaners that are waiting for you at any scrub station. And you waltz in the operating room like it’s the red carpet & start cutting on your patient within 30 seconds of your sterile dressing…forget the 45 minutes it took to prep the room and the extra 30 minutes it took to get the patient to a listless state of gas-induced dream land where they wouldn’t yank your eyeballs out when the scalpel sliced open their belly.

Too graphic? Sorry.

Anyways, as I was saying: being a surgeon is kind of like a luxury car ride wearing sterilized cotton blue outfits & a cardboard smelling mask on your face. So much for smelling the fresh air, huh?

So I digress...back to my story.

There are LOTS of instruments that are meticulously placed around the operating room when we (“we” as in the physician & myself) enter the O.R. They are all lined up on metal tables with blue towels as tablecloths. sort of like this:

Sharp instruments. Clamping instruments. Cutting instruments. Foreign-looking instruments. Instruments that look like they’d eat your head if there were alive…

So you can only imagine my surprise when I walked into the O.R. last week and saw, among the shiny sterilized instrument on one special blue tablecloth, a SPOON. That’s right. A real spoon—as if the nurse plopped it down on the table after she finished that scoop of post-lunch peanut butter. A real spoon—exactly like the one I’d just slurped my soup from in the hospital cafeteria.

And you can REALLY imagine my surprise when the physician stuck the spoon in the patient’s vaginal cavity during a D&C and scooped a sample of tissue into a specimen jar.

Needless to say, I’m using plastic spoons in the hospital from now on.

spring pillows.

well, here they are :) new bright green pillows to welcome in the spring season! it was a bit of a stretch for me & i surprised myself when i walked out of the store with green fabric...but i LOVE THEM :) {lighting is really bad...sorry!}

we invested in high quality pillow "fillers" at Pottery Barn right after we were married. now, each season (or month, depending on how ambitious i feel!) i either buy new covers on clearance or make them to fit the "fillers". we don't change anything else in the house (except around christmas time) so it is actually a wonderfully inexpensive way to decorate!

this fabric was, again, on sale & totalled about $30 :) i finished all of them in under 4 hours!

deja vu.

i've been here before--this place, it's vaguely familiar. like the feeling of crispy autumn leaves or deja vu's from dreamland. part of me is comfortable here--and part of me desparately wants to move past it.



as i drove today, the short white stripes blurred into memories of white snow last year--almost exactly one year ago. in a different place. at a different time in my life. and yet, it is all still the same. same state. same studying. same stuff.



i wondered how i was feeling, how i was coping with life & all it brought.



when i realized that i've been here before.



the same feelings i so desparately wanted to move past last year have come to visit again. the same fears and apprehension, the same frustrations and anxiety-provoking questions...they are ALL coming back.



or maybe they never left.



our pastor gave a church sermon about how God uses our struggles to build us. to remind us that we need him fully, completely in order to truly move on. he said its too easy to get frustrated--to look around & realize that we've been here before. but all-too-easy to ignore that things really are different. like one of those "can you find the differences?" pictures where they photoshop a rose in the man's suit pocket & a pink collar on his dog.



i've been here before. in a different place. at a different time. under different circumstances. but those same feelings of dread--those same "what if's" fill my thoughts.



our pastor said that it's like a spiral--a spiral staircase, if you will. at some point in time we are bound to round the same corner & recognize the view. what's most important, though, is to realize we really are one step higher than before.

01.28.09 a day in the life

i guess you could call it writers block--i've been experiencing (experiencing?) a bit of trouble writing lately...my writers river is all dried up :) so instead, i'm resorting to pictures until the flood gates open & i'm once again inspired...

i thought it might be fun to share little snippets of a "typical" day on this rotation....the description below runs from left to right beginning at the top row.... 1) lunch packed? check. have purse? check. ready to walk out the door? check.
2) on the drive to work--what a metropolis i live in!!
3) arrive @ work & am greeted by the office door reminding me that this rotation is all about babies, boobs, & crotches ;)
4) step into the "patient education room", which i have since officially dubbed the "study room"--since it is where i sit ALL DAY studying.
5) this is where my bottom side rests most of the day...see how organized my preceptor is? (sarcasm, people, sarcasm)
6) my slew of bags waiting to be opened: book bag, purse, lunch box
7) books ready to be studied...i make quite a mess by the end of the day with all my pens & books, etc.--you'll see :)
8) if my preceptor is late (& he usually is), i get to watch Good Morning America & all the semi-ridiculousnes the show brings. today however, the show was frequently interrupted by a "Winter Weather Warning" for HIGH WINDS--as if a hurricane was going to come get us in the mountains...
9) in the time i was waiting for my preceptor, i watched Good Morning America, was scared to the high heavens about that horrid wind warning (not!), organized my study materials, & thumbed through a cross-cultural "baby book" where i found this hilarious photo :) i think i'm making one of these for our kids when they finally arrive...at least they can't go anywhere!!
10) the studying begins...
11) a few patients later & we get a call from the hospital informing us that one of our patients is 6cm dilated....off the the labor & delivery floor!
12) waiting for the baby to come (lots of watiting on this rotation)...i read a magazine all about list making & had one foot in heaven ;)
13) baby still wasn't there, so i was dismissed for a quick 10 minute lunch. ran down to the cafeteria where they have a microwave & slurped my soup...
14) still waiting....entered my daily food intake into my fancy calorie counter...
15) yay!! baby came! it was an adorable little girl....and i might have gotten a bit teary eyed...or not. i'm not telling. the photo is the 'evidence' from the delivery, since i wasn't allowed to bring my camera in the room
16) hand washing station...you can review the stages of cervical dilation if you'd like on that fancy blue+white tray behind the sink! how thoughtful, huh?
17) self portrait.
18) back to the office. 5 more physicals. writing notes on patient charts...
19) ready to go. still more patients to see.
20) found a book from 1899....
21) ...learned how to make a "nursing bra", in case anyone is interested....
22) finally! walking to my car
23) after 5:30...yup, definitely time to ditch that popcicle stand ;)
24) drive home from work. it was raining :)
25) dinner & email checking
26) change clothes for the gym
27) inside the classroom @ the gym--BodyPump on Wednesday nights...
28) post-gym facebook check
29) post-workout snack
30) at 10pm i drank a cup of green chai tea...& conveniently forgot about the HIGH caffeine content....i finally fell asleep after midnight :)

southern drawwlllll.....

The new patient had written "retard" on the patient information form. As tactfully as possible, I asked for clarification. He rolled his eyes at my obtuseness, but explained with great patience in his class [West Virginian]* drawl, "You know, I don't work anymore...I'm RETIRED."

*I read this story & thought it proper to substitute West Virginia for the Oklahoma, the original state featured in this short Medical Blooper.

hello, weekend.

...nice to see you again...

ooey gooey red stuff.

I heard that Grey’s Anatomy uses pig hearts & fake organs & red ketchup-like substances for blood. Because using real human organs would be inhumane, not to mention gross.

And so, I’m often left standing over a sterile abdomen underneath the operating room lights trying to convince myself that what I’m about to see really isn’t human; that instead it really is just pig hearts & fake organs & red ketchup-like substances that the nurses squirted on the patient during that 1/100th second it took me to blink.

Sometimes the mind games work. Sometimes I pretend that the giant blob of skin-looking stuff that’s glaring underneath the surgery lights is really a giant present from the aliens with lots of moving, gooey, red stuff inside. And other times I pretend that I really don’t know how babies are made & that they magically appear inside that giant blob of skin-looking stuff inside a nicely packaged thing that slightly resembles a picture of a uterus I saw just that one time when I was passively glancing through my anatomy book.

Playing stupid isn’t always a bad idea.

Because the truth is that I’ve quickly come to find that my body--& my hormonally driven emotions—don’t really care about the sterile field. Nor do they care about the REAL LIVE PERSON that is lying under those blue drapes. Nor do they care about the bustling staff that scurries about the OR making sure we don’t leave gauze or forceps or sponges inside that REAL LIVE PERSON that is lying under those blue drapes.

No, in fact, my body & my hormones only care about thrill.

And on Tuesday, it was thrill they got.

They also got a surprise trip to the cold concrete floor of the OR when I almost passed out during a C-section---{err, I mean a baby removal from that nicely packaged thing that slightly resembles a picture of a uterus I saw just that one time when I was passively glancing through my anatomy book}

Make the incision on that giant blob of skin-looking stuff.
I was fine.

That red-ketchup looking stuff started coming out.
I was fine.

More incisions with scalpels & scissors & hemostats.
I was fine.

Jlyn, please hold the retractor so you can look into this gaping slice we just made & see what kind of presents are inside.
I was fine.

Look! Do you see the babies head?
I was fine.

Dad was in the room & got all excited.
I was fine.

Baby came out—big chunky 8 pound boy.
I was fine.

Admiring the baby while hold the retractor & wondering how much that little guys back must hurt from being crammed in that tiny mommy’s belly.
I was fine.

Getting excited about the fact that I JUST PULLED A LIVING HUMAN BEING OUT OF SOMEONE ELSE’S STOMACH.
A little less fine…

Look! Do you see her colon!
Nope, not so fine…

Here we are, pretending to practice our cross-stitch on her uterus!
Definitely not fine…feeling quite warm by now….

Give me that big staple gun so I can punch her incision like I would a stack of paperwork!!!
Oh man….sweaty palms…sick stomach….

And the next thing I knew, the scrub nurse was stripping all my unnecessary clothes off—the sterile gloves, the gown, the extra hair net, the wet-apron….

What? We just delivered a baby?

Oh…cool. No thanks…I’ll just watch from the floor—the view is just fine from here. Thanks anyways—I’ll practice my cross-stitch on the next patient.

modern-day lepor.

It seemed a bit misfit for a Christmas Eve sermon; talking about lepors & their strange deformities with images of sweet baby Jesus & shining angels dressed in white embedded in my thoughts. And perhaps it was a bit misfit for Christmas Eve—but it was true…starkly, glaringly, effortlessly TRUE.

After all, the subject of the sermon was lepors—the greatest of all misfits in that Jewish vs. Gentile society. Cast aside. Covered in black spots, sometimes found with missing ears or hairs or digits. Accusatory glances from passerby, mothers bringing their children in closer, old men huddling against a stone-cold buildings while they passed—all part of the daily rhythm of seeing sunlight, finding food, & seeking JESUS.

Leprosy is still around, you know. Even in the United States. But there are drugs for it now. And treatment facilities. And incubation rooms. And other options. While it still exists & plagues many around the world, it’s a rarity these days to see a digit-less person missing patches of hair & half an ear frequenting the street corners. And while its bacteria still is isolated, grown, and treated in controlled facilities, there is another brand of misfits being bred at an alarmingly high rate…

Do you even know what she has??!

I heard the nurses whispering.

I can’t believe he is taking that risk—I don’t think I’d do it.

They were hushed, obviously trying to avert my intent listening ears.

Yeah, the one with the yellow scrub top said, he is one of the only ones in town that takes such dangerous cases….I just hope I don’t have to stick her.

And then they dispersed. Busying themselves with clipboards & pill cups & ice chips.

I walked over to the metal cart that held the aqua colored charts. My finger moved over the labels until I came to the thick binder bearing the patients name in question. I glanced at the red tab labeled “LABS” and flipped it open, like I’ve done a thousand times this year.

HEPATITIS C.

Oh.

My initial thought mirrored that of the nurses—I just hope I don’t have to stick her…or examine her…or assist in her c-section. But then I caught my breath…

Accusatory glances from passerby, mothers bringing their children in closer, old men huddling against a stone-cold buildling while they passed….two pairs of layered latex-free sterile gloves, hesitation at that needle stick, tension-filled silence in the operating room (OR) when the first incision is made….

What if God used two layers of gloves when he worked on my heart? What if heaven went quiet when I prayed—waiting in silent tension to see if the grimy contagiousness of my sin would spread & infect even the most holy of holy's? What if sterile masks & extra paper gowns & special shoe covers were used when God deals with my dirt?

When he came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cured of his leprosy. –Matthew 8:1-3

Am I willing? Am I willing to be touched by God? To be healed by the hand—the naked, gloveless, scarred hand of Jesus? Am I willing to be outcast because of my infections? To be segregated because of my stubbornness? Will passer-by huddle in corners & turn their faces from me because of the grimy layers of humanity evident on my freshly made-up face & name-brand clothes?

Perhaps more importantly, am I willing to go under the knife—to kneel down before my Lord and ask for the Ultimate Healing once again? For the ump-teenth time since I last saw him…for the billionth sin I’ve commited...

And will He heal me yet again?

Your cleansed and grateful life, not your words, will bear witness to what I have done. –Matthew 8:4

shots.

goals.2009

We’ve been on the road a lot over the past three weeks. In the car. On the plane. In the car again. Sitting by the fire or the kitchen table or the Christmas tree. And I’m fairly certain it was the silence, the presence of Jon next to me (a rarity these days), and the crackles of the fireplace that inspired me to think more than I normally do. Most days, aside from a few more active (typically more freezing) afternoons, I sat cozied on a couch or chair or bed and let my mind run (because my hind end certainly wasn't up exercising). One of the great things (there truly are few great things on my list these days) about medical school is that it has quenched my thirst for reading for the next twenty years. The read-8-books-each-summer bookworm I used to be is a thing of the past…I’m not holding my breath waiting for her return, either. I’d much rather listen. Or just sit (something which, had I been asked two years ago, I would have found horribly boring & overwhelming elderly). And while I used to lose myself in a book & let my imagination run wild, I find myself lost in thought more times than not these days—typically resulting in my future-prone mind inducing a slight anxiety attack resolved only by a nap or cup of chai (the latter of which hasn’t done any good for my pant size).

I’m not sure what 2009 will bring. My anxiety level—and my innate & extremely annoying tendency toward controlled planning—is already about an 8 on my 10-point-scale…which is not boding well for the rest of the year. BUT I’m trying my best to get over the slump of faith and JUST TRUST that things will once again, as they always have, just work out.

There are many rotations to schedule, a large number of which have limited spots with restricted application periods on a first-come-first-served basis. There are residency applications to complete, personal statements to write, tests to take, patients to see & *hopefully* learn from, books to read (textbooks, mind you), letters to write, farewells to prepare for, and snuggles to be had.

I’m looking forward to the last one the most.

Anyhow…with all this thinking time, I’ve come up with a brief list of goals for the duration of this year. Many are personal & won’t be shared on this public space…but for the more practical (& probably attainable) ones, my public declaration of listing will hopefully inspire their completion.

- Learn to make jam.
- Learn to make homemade applesauce.
- Make at least 2 quilts.
- Abort the all-or-nothing approach to Bible reading & at least make an attempt each day.
- Become a morning person—up with the sun.
- Write one letter/email/note each week.
- Keep writing. Journaling. Documenting.
- Make some attempt at working out at least three times weekly.
- Grow a vegetable garden.
- Keep at least one indoor plant alive…& remember to water it each week.
- Embrace fulfillment with the material possessions I’ve been given.
- Go at least three months without buying any clothing item.
- Take at least one long walk per week (unless I’m still in WV in which case it might be a danger to my well-being).
- Learn to love the practice & study of medicine again.
- Subscribe to one magazine while Jon is gone.
- Keep a prayer journal.
- Make an advent calendar.
- Get more sleep.

There are more. And then again, that list is rather long. I’m not holding myself to these goals in a do-or-perish fashion—I’m simply throwing them out there so that people (eehhheemmm MOM) can hold me to them & well, teach me how so I can cross at least four of them off my list.

Happy 2009…here’s to a long, challenging year of changes ahead.

And here’s to the Walk of Faith that will get me through it.

dish soap with a side of tissues.

They came with the dish soap today; the Dawn Simple Pleasures Water Lily & Jasmine dish soap—the same dish soap that sits on our sink ledge at home. They came, they were nonrelenting & soaking, dripping on the counter in the silence of my apartment.

And it was silent. Because once again, for the first time in five weeks, I was alone. And for the first time in five weeks, I didn’t feel like a wife today. And for the first time in five weeks, those feelings of dread & nomadic living came back with full force.

And I didn’t like it.

In fact, I still don’t like it. And although I’m well aware that my complaining & teardrops won’t get me anywhere but further into by celebratory self-pity party, sometimes its just good to have a cry.

If you knew me prior to this whole endeavor, you’d never know I’m referring to the same person. Because the past-me didn’t cry. The past-me didn’t worry about trivial things like dish soap—and certainly didn’t cry over them. The past-me trusted that things would work out. And the past-me was at least remotely optimistic. The truth is that I’ve changed. Drastically.

Love does that to people, you know. And so does distance. And trial. And tragedy. And situations beyond our control.

One of my goals in 2009 is to remain more faithfully optimistic. Because optimism, as you might have noticed, is one of the things in my life that has slowly been leaking, dripping slowly so that it is just now that the “Happiness Gauge” is registering EMPTY.

So to be totally honest, I’ve just about had enough—and so have my slightly-swollen eyelids. I’m tired of living apart from my husband—and completely, totally, utterly imtimidated by the 18 months we have ahead of us apart. I’m tired of moving, of packing up all my belongings in cars & boxes & Tupperware containers and moving every year. I moved every year in college & twice since then—that is 6 times in 7 years if the mental tally hadn’t computed quickly enough. I’m tired of this state, tired of studying, tired of being away from the people (mostly person) I love. I’m tired of sleeping in a smelly apartment with noisy neighbors in a run-down town. I’m tired of paying thousands of dollars each semester & being blind to the fruition from the profits of my tuition. I’m tired of teaching myself the medicine I’m supposed to be taught. I’m tired of the complacency I’ve let take over my exercise habits, eating, and devotional time. I’m tired of the all-or-nothing attitude I’ve flashed at studying, Bible reading, and relationship building.

I’m just tired. Emotionally exhausted. Mentally run-down. Spiritually dry.

At this point, I’m bold enough to make these lofty goals…to boast that I’m on the “upward swing”. When the truth is that at this point I feel like I’ve jumped off that swing and am just flying through the air, hoping to land on something other than a giant slab of concrete. Life isn’t easy right now. My faith isn’t strong. My trust isn’t there. My optimism is, well, EMPTY. And although I’d like to think that I have the power to turn my attitude around, I darn-well-know that I am not that strong.

Above all, though, I think my biggest fear lies in my yearning for something better. There have been so many nights over boxes of tissues that I’ve convinced myself that “if only” we could move home, then things would be better. “If only” we didn’t live apart, then things would be easier. “If only” I didn’t have to stay in this state, then I’d be happier. And while there is some truth to my thoughts of idealism, the bulk of that truth is that they are ideals: the best of the best situation(s) that may be just as disappointing or difficult or trying as the ones I’m in the midst of right now.

There really wasn’t a point to my writing this. Unlike most of my posts, I don’t have a happy ending. I don’t have a magic wand to wave & exclaim that God will save the day (although the annoying peppy voice in my ear is cheering that He will). I don’t have easy answers. And I certainly don’t feel like I have much left in me to give.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion?

Come to me. Get away with me & you’ll recover your life.

I’ll show you how to take a real rest.

Walk with me & work with me—watch how I do it.

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.

Keep company with me & you’ll learn to live freely & lightly.”

–Matt. 11: 28, The Message

eskimo land

i'll be out in the Alaskan wilderness with family until Jan. 7th...then back to NC on Jan. 8th...

updates will be back on Jan. 9th :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!