hiatus.

i'll be gone (i.e., not blogging/ internet searching/ facebook'g) until june 21st.

when my life will be different....

prayers are appreciated until then :)

test week (again).

so it is test week (again). i've got a clinical practical on thursday. and oddly enough, i kind of feel like an "experienced" veteran ('experienced' as in i've done this 5-times and might have an idea of what to do sort-of veteran). and aside from the test, Board studying is now in full bloom since PBL is officially over. in other words: nothing has changed.

and so, as studying goes, it has been a bit of a boring couple of days. 6 hours of class yesterday. class + lab today. (read: my butt is sore from sitting so long).

i found this little treasure on YouTube tonight. and it is, by far, one of my new favorites :)

i'll bet you can't get through it without smiling!

the great debate.

i'm excited to see this.

The Business of Being Born

it's been a quiet day here. overcast. mid-70's. the gray sky overhead and tulips in my front yard evidence that summer is on its way...that change is coming soon.

and like most other days of the week, i'm inside. away from the warmth of the sun. away from the bugs and pollen and tulips. i'm inside studying. and thinking.

but today is just a little bit different. different because homework didn't take over my morning. because the earliest i looked at the clock was 8am...and my feet finally hit the floor when the digital numbers read 9:30. it was a treat to sleep in. and today is just a little bit different because i've been thinking. thinking about this thing we call medicine. thinking about the decisions that are made around it and because of it. decisions that are made in the name of all that is good & "right" & researched; made in the name of medicine.

after my grandpa passed a couple of weeks ago, i couldn't help but admire the strength of his children (my dad & uncles & respective wives). because they chose the higher good for him. they chose selflessness. they chose the pain of losing a loved one over the comfort that my grandpa's physical presence would bring. they chose freedom from pain and suffering over the chains of hospital beds and permanent catheters. they chose what was best for him. and isn't that what love is, anyways?

i am proud of them. proud because, in my mind, they made the right decision. a decision to let my grandpa's body take over...a decision to let him die. a decision that the medical community does not necessarily encourage or endorse. because of the good and "right" and researched options that are clearly at every patients' family's fingertips. the options that include heavy narcotics and permanent catheters and the risk of infection and a life that is confined to the sterile white walls of the hopsital. forget about the consequences. forget about the side effects. forget about the risks...we have antibiotics. we have more drugs that will help with the effects of those other drugs. and really, they say, you deserve to have him around just a little bit longer.

i'll be the first to admit that sometimes--many times--medicine isn't all it is cracked up to be. those consequences? those adverse effects? those "risk free" medications? all those things that they tell you?...well, it takes 4 years of schooling to understand them. and sometimes--many times--they just tell you what you'd like to hear.

and this is one of the tradgedies of modern American healthcare. because life is more precious than that...it deserves to be lived free of the constraints of medications and catheters and sterile white hospital walls. and love is more sacred than that.....it deserves to manifest itself in selflessness and gratitude for past memories and choosing the highest good for your family member or patient or for yourself.

although jon & i are (hopefully) nowhere near ready to start expanding our family, i've been absolutely taken with the idea of midwifery. something natural. something empowering. something that generously places the control, the joy, the endocrinological high back into the womans experience of birthing. i think that in this country, we are scared. we are apprehensive. we are told to be scared about the birthing process...because, you know, it is dangerous. but we fail to remember that natural, life-giving birth has been happening for thousands of years. free from narcotics and medications and sterile white hospital walls. free from scalpels and surgical suites. and the 'experts' fail to inform us that it is a miniscule percentage of women who are truly at risk for a dangerous birth and who truly need all the intervention they so willingly push on each one of their pregnant patients.

i would love to go into obstetrics. aside from the flood of emotions i've felt at every live (hospital) birth i've attended (i could bring tissue??), i think it is one of God's greatest miracles. to bring another life into the world. to nuture and grow something so precious inside another human body. among all the medical miracles, this human miracle tops the list for me. and although obstetrics certainly does not present a family friendly schedule as a doctor, perhaps what excites me the most are the changes that could be made...the education that could take place for millions of women...and the options that could be presented that most women aren't aware of.

for the last hour and twenty four minuntes and eleven seconds, i've watched The Business of Being Born--a documentary on modern American birth practices...and the other options that exist for women. i was brought to tears. and as i sat sobbing at my computer, i realized that this....this is an experience God created for humans. this is an experience God created so that we, sinful creatures, could gain just a small taste of His majesty and life-giving creation.

obviously, i haven't been through the birthing process myself. i haven't experience the pain. or anticipation. or anxiety. or fear. and in the next few years, my opinions could change drastically. but this film has inspired something inside me i didn't know existed. it has fueled the fire to make a change to this thing we call medicine. to educate patients about what is really going on. and to not sit on the sidelines and watch thousands of American families believe the lies that their options are limited.

and my tears today were a reminder. that this really is something i'm passionate about. this really is something i'm excited and scared and anxious about.

and i could use your prayers. for guidance. and most of all, for the opportunties that i'm longing for. the opportunities to make a difference. to educate patients. and to journey into a new type of medical practice where politics or insurance or physician-opinions don't dictate intervention. a type of medical practice that gives the power back to the patient...and gives the outcome back to the Lord.

for the first time in a long time, i'm excited again.

if you have time to spare, i'd highly recommend watching the documentary. for a limited time, the full-length film is available online. take advantage of it :)

when life stops for us.

after reading Sarah's post about the mysterious Gnome appearing in front of a Mt. St Helens camera, i had to chuckle @ the unique breed of people that seem to gravitate toward the Pacific Northwest. and i guess i'd qualify as one of them... jon & i certainly are hoping to return someday. someday.

and this morning i found this little video that quite literally made my day. if nothing else, it made me smile that in such a big city with cars & smog & honking & commerce & subways & mass transit...little ducklings & their mommies are still more important than being five minutes early to that big meeting at work...or being home in time to watch a favorite tv show....or getting a head start on that project that has sat untouched for too long.

and it made me smile because i couldn't help but think that sometimes God stops traffic for us. when the road we're on is just too dangerous and the path we'd take would result in certain destruction. He'll turn on His flashing lights & risk his own life to make sure we get to the other side safely.

...if only i could be as cute as a duckling.

rounding the bend.

this is it--well, almost. only 4 more days of PBL (my learning track here @ school). hard to believe that two years has passed since i first got here. hard to believe how much has happened since i got here--and really, how much i've changed.

i'm feeling that this transition will bring new types of challenges i've yet to encounter in my life thus far. unpredictable swings of ups & downs that i can't yet begin to fathom. and i'm guessing that i'll be an entirely different person by the time this whole journey is over, i'm just hoping it is for the better.

and yet, admist these outer stressors of testing & Board-studying (or lack thereof) & mandatory medical jurisprudence classes, there is also an inner turmoil that i can't quite shake. perhaps its the internalization of the various things in my life right now that make me want to crawl back in bed some mornings. or maybe its just that i'm realizing the reality of this dream--the reality of medical school & responsiblity & doctor-hood...and how it is (& will) affect[ing] my life, my family, & my relationships.

i certainly didn't expect all of this to be easy. i didn't expect to glide through this schooling process or have a lot of time to reflect, pray, or shave my legs. but i also didn't expect to be so unsettled about this whole journey. as the days progress, i am yearning for something more. more than handing out drugs to hypertensive patients who are 57 pounds overweight and consider exercise a walk to the mailbox. something more than filling out paperwork and constantly covering my tail so the big-bad-lawyers don't come knocking at my door. and something more than putting a bandaid on the ingrown nail of a 34 year old man's pinky finger because he never learned how to groom himself properly.

it is disheartening, really. to see our country in such a state of dis-health, un-health, NON-health. disheartening for those of us who will one day be in charge of handing out "quick fixes" that cause renal failure & liver damage. disheartening for those of us who chose this profession to help people...and find ourselves less-than-satisfied with our careers because of the paperwork & insurance reimbursement (what reimbursement??) & patients who don't care to take care of themselves.

but regardless of all bad that is out there, awaiting my arrival, i'm trying to stay optimistic. i take Board exams in 52 days and have piles (literally) of material to get through. there are systems i haven't even covered yet. and microbes i don't even know exist.




and i'm not going to lose hope. God has been so faithful thus far & i know He won't give up on me now. i'll get through this. ...and look back & wonder why i was so stressed out.

i'm going to try to be my own best patient. which means eating better. working out more. getting my sleep. and taking care of myself--which i seem to have neglected lately.

little strings of hope knit together my days. its not much at times, but it's all i've got to hang on to right now.

and i'm hanging on tightly.

a love story.

i haven't had time to read. nothing other than textbooks, at least. and my devotional--which squeezes itself into my nighttime ritual right before i turn off my bedside lamp.

but oh how i love to read. to get caught up in someone else's story. the temporary escape from my life....and the journey through anothers.

and one of the blogs i just started reading has her own (PG version) of a romance novel. i started it last thursday. and finished it on friday. and am anxiously awaiting the ending to this fantastic tale of city-girl-meets-cowboy-and-life-turns-up-side-down.

because above everything else, reading it makes me want to fall in love all over again. with jon. and because i'm not exactly feeling eloquent today, i'll just use her words.

"And I knew, even then: [ that jon], not only that night but in the months to come, would prove to be my savior, my distraction, my escape in the midst of troubles, my strength in the face of upheaval, my beauty in times of terrible ugliness. He held my heart entirely in his hands, this cowboy of mine, and for the first time in my life, despite everything I’d ever believed about independence and feminism and emotional autonomy, I knew I’d be utterly incomplete without him."

thanks for loving me, jon....

i would be utterly incomplete without you.

blogs.

confession: i've been really into blogs lately. like really into them. too much into them. but unlike chocolate cake when you have too much, blogs don't give you a stomach ache or make your pants tighter. they do, however, make you feel lazy as all-get-out & like a complete waste of time.

and i've come to grips with that fact.

but i thought i'd share what i've found. mostly because these women inspire me. and give me hope in this dry & weary toothless land they call west virginia. and they give me hope that the 1950's aren't completely gone. that there are still creative children who thrive on dress-up & creative play. that there are still homespun families surviving solely on the land (& the internet). and that there is humor, albeit inappropriate at times, that can be found in virtually every life experience.

SouleMama: http://www.soulemama.com/
this woman amazes me. makes me long for a thrift store nearby--like i'd be able to find 'treasures' anyways. too bad i can't sew. and i can only knit dishrags & scarves. and i don't have children yet to make costumes for. but regardless, she inspires me...because her kids are still...kids.

Dooce.com: http://www.dooce.com/
This is the one that would be, might be, will certainly be considered wildly inappropriate at times. But the truth of that matter is that she is hilarious. it took me a few weeks to really enjoy reading about her tales, full of added drama & CAPS LOCK-ed letters & too-many-exlamation-points. She'll make you giggle. At least chuckle. Smile, maybe?

PioneerWoman: http://www.pioneerwoman.com/
There are TWO perks to this website. The first is that she has the most incredible mouth-watering, cellulite-expanding collection of recipes that i've ever seen. ALL with pictures (for those of us who don't read too good). AND her everyday blog is full of stories. Kind of like House on the Prarie, but with a modern LA-girl-meets-rugged-ness twist. And if you'd like a substitute for an amazing novel & want to fall in love with your husband all over again, read about how she fell in love with her husband here. It is an on-going love story--written in professional, publish-able novel-like form. And to be totally honest, I wasted 1.5 hours reading it last night (instead of taking an online test for Board-studying). AND I still have 12 chapters to go!! :o)

A Holy Experience: http://aholyexperience.com/
This womans writing makes me want to pray. ALL THE TIME. She finds God in the most unexpected of places. And writes in a way that rolls over your tongue like a good glass of Merlot. And my i wish i could write like that. And talk to God like that. And notice life like that.

And that is all. I've got a pocket of blogs left to share. But these are my favorites. Maybe it is because part of me wishes my life was just a little more like theirs--a little more filled with crafts & baking & recipe-making & praying...and a little less overwhelmed with school & choices & future. Or maybe it is because their creativity inspires something inside me....the need to create. The need to make something that has nothing to do with science & everything to do with art.

Whatever it is, they have all made my days just a little bit brighter.

enjoy.

not in my future.

as evidenced by this mornings experience, i am quite positive that proctology is not in my future. i mean, some people really dig sticking their fingers up other people's poop holes (haha), feeling around in there for all sorts of growths & abnormalities that the body can push out (pun entirely intended). not me.

perhaps i'm just not deep enough (oh see, now i'm starting to get funny), but i will admit that it was a bit of a traumatizing experience. probably because (a) it was a 50-something male, (b) fingers aren't meant to search in those deep dark places of other peoples...eehheemm....bodily cavities and (c) it was an assisted exam...which means that the person receiving the exam told me what to do...and worse yet, told me how it felt.

if you'd like an incredibly akward experience, i recommend one similar to what i experienced this morning.

i just hope my faulty-pocker-face stayed in bed.

in other news, this is day TWO of success in my quest to become a morning person. which, as i take it, is a sure-fire-sign that i am getting older. those teenage hormones aren't quite as ramped up...and my melatonin isn't making me a robotic-sleeps-in-until-1pm-person anymore--at least not all the time. and now (in my old[er] age), i long to wake up with the sun. have a quiet morning over Hazelnut drink mix (with caffeine!) & oatmeal. and just be. there aren't many other times in the day that just being is possible. especially when i lay in bed for two hours at night thinking about my grocery list or my to-do list or the floors that need to be swept or the future....at which time sheer panic enters my darkened room & hours (literally!) pass before i enter my first REM cycle.

so this quest of waking up with the sun has been a goal of mine for a few months now. and i've failed miserably thus far. but THIS WEEK...just might be the beginning of something new. yesterday i got up at 6:55. today it was 6:45. and heck, that is progress, don't you think? i mean, TEN WHOLE MINUTES....!!!!

i've been thinking about starting a goal of going on a quick run in the morning (ahh...another one of my life-long goals: to become a runner...isn't happening now). or take a jaunt to the gym & study on the elliptical until i'm sweaty & smelly & have burned my 500 calories (my pants are getting tight, okay??!!).

but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

on the other hand, this morning-person-ness is really taking a toll on my body. my left eyelid has been twitching non-stop since yesterday morning. and although i will admit that i am stressed out & emotionally drained & WalMart-ed out & ready to move to NC for the summer & not enjoying learning or studying or school right now, i didn't think my eye-twitching had anything to do with it.

turns out i was wrong. apparently it is a sign of fatigue.

dang it!

i guess this morning-person stuff isn't working in my favor. perhaps rising with the sun isn't in my future either...along with proctology.

my new life goal. aside from trudging the swamps of busy-ness. aside from the chaos of daily living. aside from the battle-cries that emanate from my struggling heart.

a prayer. (click on the link...& be inspired to live just a little bit better today)

to pray. to speak. to live. to become.

::good::

God is good :)

i'm always amazed at my level of doubt, hestitation, & delinquency. and i am a bit embarassed to admit that my faith has been less that stellar lately--i certainly would not get a gold star on my report card.

this journey, this battle, this life brings its fair share of challenges. but God continues to make Himself known to me. continues to show His face. continues to burrow His way into my buried heart & shine the light of conviction into my darkened soul. and God continues to answer prayers.

i got my schedule for next year. and God is good. vacation when i wanted it. home with jon around deployment. and potential...for years to come.

paul's words as he wrote to the Phillipians come to mind. for those are the words that God speaks to us:

"My dear, dear friends! I love you so much. I do want the very best for you. You make me feel such joy, fill me with such pride. Don't waver. Stay on track, steady in God." -Phill. 4:1

He does want the best for us. i too often forget that. and somehow twist my thinking into forgetting His sacrifice. he does love us...so much. and somehow i let the worry & anxiety about the future cloud the message of the Cross. and when we trust Him, he does fill with pride. and yet, somehow, my little life seems too big for the Creator of the Universe to handle.

certainly not the case.

thanks for the reminder. that YOU are in control. that YOU are all-powerful, all-loving, and all-giving. thanks for the reminder that YOU have my very best in mind...our very best in mind. and that for YOU, nothing is too great or too difficult for grace.

the circle of life.

its an odd feeling, really. to have the Circle of Life playing in my head. and elton john's voice that hasn't left my side today.

odd because i feel like this really is the Circle of Life. new births. new experiences. marriage. love. and...death. and i feel that up until this point, my life has been full of "normal" growing up experiences. but now...now that my grandparents have almost all passed away..i'm realizing that this whole growing up thing is coming to an end. and the time is fast-approaching where i am going to have to be the grown-up. weird.

my grandpa died tonight. after a long battle with Alzheimers. and colon dysmotility. he passed peacefully. surrounded by family. full of medication to dull the pain. and even though i kind of wish i had a medication to dull the little bit of pain i'm feeling tonight too, i realize that it is a good pain. a good pain because this means that life is moving on. that i am growing up. and that God's Earth keeps on spinning. a good pain because another death serves as a reminder that this is life. that i am alive, breathing, living...and that my days are full of opportunity.

too often i take them for granted--my days, i mean. too often i sleep them away. or let negativity take over my soul. and too often i forget the command that God has given us as our single, solitary, sole purpose here on Earth. and too often i fail to recognize that my life does have purpose, and is written by the Master Planner Himself. my days are numbered. my life, here on Earth, won't last forever.

so it is a good pain i'm feeling tonight. at the loss of my grandpa. at the birth of a new soul into heaven--and most of all, at the reunion of love between him & his fabulous wife of what would have been 50-something years. and you know, that says a lot. a lot about him. a lot about his character. and it especially says a lot about the Love that God has given us to experience here on Earth.

i'm inspired by it. enthralled with it. and hoping that jon & i will carry on the tradition left by my grandparents...and his grandparents. the tradition of love. that knows no end. that sees no other option but to continue. and love, that draws inspiration from the ultimate Lover.

and i can only hope that when the time comes to say goodbye to yet another generation (i guess that would be the time when i am considered "old" & all grown up), that i, too, will be able to make a selfless decision to let God's timing take control. without medical intervention of uneeded preservation. without pharmacological concoctions to dull pain & activate respiration & suppress the body's natural response to death. i can only hope that i'll be as strong as my parents. and love & care about them enough to just let them go.

but in the meantime, i'm going to enjoy life. i'm going to enjoy my experiences, my days, and my opportunities. and most of all, i'm going to enjoy the love & grace & purpose that God has poured into my life. because it is times that these...of grief, and mourning and celebration of life...times like these that make me grateful for breath.

thanks for the inspiration, Grandpa. thanks for the lessons of love. the summers spent on your sailboat learning how to steer & how to read the wind. thanks for the trips to Orcas Island. and the bike rides you enjoyed so much. for the summers i spent day dreaming in the pool & under the willow tree on the tree swing Uncle Todd built. thanks for the optimism you continued to show, despite your failing memory & challenges of health. and most of all, thanks for the legacy you left. for the family values you sewed. and for the faith whose seeds were found in your every-Sunday-church-going.

we certainly won't forget you.

oh...and say hello to Grandma. i miss her too.

i'm over it.

so really, i'm over it all. school. studying. the excitement of becoming a "doctor"--like it was something special in the first place. i'm just over it. ready to be done. not even with studying...not even with boards (although those too fit in the category of "will be beyond elated when over")...just with this whole situation. i'm getting tired of it. no, in fact. i'm already tired of it. and we've still got a long way yet to go.

i think my original perception of what this journey would be like was pretty accurate. i thought it'd be hard--nobody expects this sort of school (where you learn to be in charge of other people's LIVES) to be easy. i mean, who knew there were like 32 bones in the human ear. God, you got WAYYY to detailed on that creation--tone it down a little, dude.

what i certainly didn't expect, though, was to be so disheartened from the experiences of others in this profession. i know that i want to be there for my family. i know that i want to be available to our kids--whenever they may decide to show up on our doorstep (that is how it works, right??). and i know i want to the best wife i can be. but from the remarks of so many other women professionals, IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE to have both. and that makes me sad. sad because i was told in the beginning that it was possible--although i've had to adapt to the fact that i won't be able to give my 200% to both...which has become okay with me. sad because this field that seems so "portable" & "family oriented" really truly is those things...for the patients. and sad because i feel like the magic of this entire adventure has been widdled away to a pathetic little ember whose light doesn't seem likely to last the next two years until graduation.

so the truth? i'm just over it. i'm ready to be done. ready to move on. ready to move in with my husband. ready to be available to HIM before my own selfish ambitions of career & world-betterment. ready to shovel away this pile of debt & textbooks & brain space & bury it in the grand canyon.

maybe these feelings are normal. some statistic spouted out last week that something like 72% of med students are actually clincally depressed at some point in their education was probably true. and the reality is that it is laughed at, accepted as "the way med school goes"...and left between the highlighted pages of our psychiatry textbooks.

but then again, maybe these feelings aren't normal. i'm supposed to be ("supposed" to--as in, that is what the world is telling me) enjoying this time of my life...of my marriage...of my friendships.

and yet here i sit. in hick-town, USA. freshly returned from a shopping spree at walmart where i bought all that i needed--a new toothbrush & a vanilla candle. my husband is 360 miles away. i've got a stack of notecards taller than my head to get through by tomorrow night. and boards coming in something like 68 days (but who's counting, right?).

and i'm totally, completely, entirely over it.

vent over. i needed that.

there are days.

there are days that it seems life is just too much to handle. too many decisions to be made. too much on my plate. there are days that i'd much rather stay in bed all day, sipping chai & reading a real book. one where i can get wrapped up in the pages and transport myself to the world the author has painted with his words. there are days when it seems like the future is just too big, too scary, and too aversive to even try to keep on going...when the truth i'd much rather curl up next to my husband and let time pass us by. and there are days when it takes all the strength i can muster to just get through it without a good cry & a friendly box of kleenex.

today is one of those days.

life is overwhelming. the future is daunting & entirely uncertain. i'm already sick with worry. i could go for a good cry & a better hug. my study stack doesn't shrink....ever. and i'm not sure that my decision to be here...to do this...was the right one in the first place.

but tomorrow is another day. and i can only hope that it will be better than today.

worry.

there is something inside me that draws me toward certain things. like an intrinsic gravitational force that i'm unable to overcome at times--well, okay all the time. some days, i'm humble enough to consider the things i'm drawn to as temptations. but other times, like today, they manifest themselves in things much more fierce...and much less holy.

i'm a worrier. by nature. i didn't choose to be one. and i'd shed that trait of mine faster than i shed skin cells if i could. but try as i might, it just won't go away. i've taken quite a transformation in my own perspective of it. at first i embraced it, thinking that it was entirely normal that people worry about such things as bugs crawling in their windows & finding foreign fingernails on the ground. normal that people worry about how the $12 just spent at the grocery store could have been used in 27.5 years from now or how each and every decision made--no matter how small--just might not be the right one.

after embracing my worrisome nature, i found that my welcoming it into my world had caused it to settle in the saddlebags & arm flab of my body. NOT OKAY WITH ME. so naturally, i went into denial. tried to push that worry far far far back into my brain. tried to think about pineapple & Maui & cute fuzzy bunnies instead of thinking about worry. but that didn't work. mostly because i started worrying about those cute fuzzy bunnies.

so now, my only choice is to recognize this built-in tendency of mine as my temptation. and as i've struggled with this, i've been supported by my incredible husband who has helped me recognize that by worrying more, i'm letting God lead my life less. my worry about that $12 of grocery money is pushing God's provision in 27.5 years out of the picture entirely. my worry about my ever-growing student loans is denying the Divine ability of God's plan to abolish them quickly & completely by providing a more-than-ideal job opportunity. and my overwhelming worry about whether being here in school, choosing this path in life was the right decision is outright denying the fact that God practially pushed me through the door He opened for me here.

i think that this battle with worry is really a hidden lesson in TRUST. trusting God. trusting jon. trusting myself. and although each day i tend to take two steps forward and one step back, i do feel like i'm making progress--even if it is only measured in fairy footsteps.

worry doesn't belong in the hearts of believers. there is a time & place for everything, though. and my hope is that 27.5 years from now, i'll look back & realize that God has made this measly worry-wart a beautiful, new creation...and that the $12 at the grocery store today was money well-spent.

There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift. I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.

Whatever was, is.

Whatever will be, is.

That's how it always is with God.

{Ephesians 3}

signs of test week.

i haven't moved the laundry off my bed since last monday (yes, 7 days). i haven't done my dishes in 5 days & finally resorted to using plastic utensils & eating out of tupperware containers because all my 'real' dishes were dirty. this growing stack of notecards seems to be...well, growing. i'm only through about 1/4 of it. and i only have 72 hours left. (ahh!). and my trusty pen collection; every assorted color--all very well used this week taking notes.

yup. it is test week. dirty laundry. dirty dishes. notecards strewn about & constantly at my side. they come to bed with me, sit on the eliptical at the gym, join me in brushing my teeth...& i even fancied a way to study in the shower :) (i'd like to hug the inventor of Ziploc baggies).

in short: time is precious. pathetically precious during these weeks. every action has to be justified. and yet here it is. tuesday morning, almost 1am. i'm exhausted--but can't seem to let myself fall asleep. i saw 2:30am on the clock yesterday morning...not voluntarily, either. my brain just won't shut off. i keep going over mechanisms in my head--and subsequently confusing myself on everything i seemed to have learned the prior day.

and i feel behind. SO SO SO behind. i didn't get through my to-do list today. and when it is test week, my to-do list is gold.

but i'm oddly confident. (or perhaps i'm beyond the point of caring). confident that this too, shall pass. and confident that in a little more than 72 hours, this will all be behind me.

one 5 hour exam lies between me and....sweet, glorious sleep.

a day made better.

“God never places us in any position in which we can not grow. We may fancy that He does.

We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing;

but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward.

Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure,

we are making the best kind of progress.” --Elizabeth Prentiss

so the truth is that for the last 4 days, i've been hit with a selfish stick. in my mind, i'll sheepishly admit that my thoughts & life & complaints & actions have been all about me. and for as totally awesome as it is to go around thinking that i have it pretty bad & loathe in self-pity, i think my brain would have imploded if it continued much longer.

the turning point was tonight...when i filled my stomach with quite possibly one of the THE MOST AMAZING things i have ever tasted. yes, that's right. i discovered Yoplait Whipped Chocolate Raspberry yogurt. it is like heaven on a spoon. and, i dare say, it might be better than ice cream. {and if you know me, that last statement should have been a jaw-dropper}

so after my life-altering savory eating experience that sent me to the high-heavens & back again, i realized that i have SO MUCH to be thankful for. i had to perform a head-to-toe physical today on someone from the community (who had great tympanic membranes, by the way...perhaps the best i've ever seen). and when i walked in the room & was greated by a warm smile, i realized how much i've learned in the past 16 months. and how fast it has gone by. and really, how much i've changed.

there are so many days where the monotony of studying gets the best of me. and i complain. i complain to myself. and to jon. and to God--who, by the way, put me here in the first place. and i SO EASILY get overwhelmed. one small thing, seemingly harmless, will set off a spell of "freak outs" that lasts for days. and like a smelly pile of laundry, the things i'm overwhelmed about pile up. they amplify themselves (perhaps like TAG repeat sequences on chromosome 9 in Huntington's disease?) until i just can't handle it anymore. and i break down.

the break down, by the way, doesn't meet DSM-IV criteria for admission to a psychiatric ward (although that is debatble some days)...i just cry. and like a typical female, think of all the possible things in the WORLD that could go wrong in my life. and i cry about those too.

but EVERY TIME, God finds me. He meets me where i'm at (which, tonight was with Whipped Chocolate Raspberry yogurt in hand). and EVERY TIME he reminds me that it was HIM that put me here in the first place. he PROMISED me he'd get me through this--get us through this.

and i remembered today that He has. and He will.

i know i'll look back on this experience with harshly fond memories (oxy-moron intended). many days this whole situation makes me feel less than "normal"--almost alienated from the rest of the world that keeps spinning around me. apart from my husband. away from family. nose in a book all day long. disconnected. and on those days i don't feel like i'm growing.

but the reality is that we never stop growing. sometimes when we aren't growing up, we are growing downward...sinking our roots deeper & deeper into the soil God has placed us on. and you know, in my opinion roots are the most important part.

weary.

i'll be honest. there are days when i'm doubtful. doubtful that God is with me, that He is alive & present & constantly changing, molding the world that surrounds me. doubtful that He wants me, that He loves me as much as people tell me he does. and yes, even some days doubtful of His existence at all.

its been a struggle lately. to remain faithful. and hopeful. and grateful. for the opportunties i've been given & the people strategically placed in my life. i've reached a point of complacency, indifference almost. as if the functioning world of joy and tradgedy and commuting, the world of twiddled bird songs and blooming buds and chocolate brownies has become nothing less than a distant memory. as if i'm not part of it at all.

its been a struggle to maintain my active faith...the one that grows me and touches me, the one that inspires me and gives me hope; i've had an arm-wrestling match with my mentality--daily challenged by the shallow depths of science & the deep surface of the human psyche.

but most of all, i've struggled with my PURPOSE. i swear i had one when i got here. i swear that 16 months ago i was full of fire for this "calling" & full of vigor for this task. my heart has changed--there is no denying that. the sacrifices that i was once willing to make--or at least ignore until i had to face them--aren't on my list to give up anymore.

but amidst it all, i'm comforted. because God speaks in amazing ways--most completely unexpected.

and i remember that there IS balance. and wholeness. and joyful satisfaction within this profession--within the hearts of women in this profession. there IS a future that doesn't force me to make those off-the-list sacrifices. and i'm confident that there WILL BE a time when i'll be more connected to the twidders & buds & brownies.

but in the meantime. in the meantime when i'm still disconnected, i'll remember to:

... not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.
-Galations 6:9, The Message

because God is listening to my heart. He is alive and active, molding and changing me--and the world that passes me by.

and He's been known to answer prayers.

disconnect.

to be honest, i'm in a bad mood.

i'm feeling a bit of disconnect lately. as if satan has unplugged my internal phone line that permits connection with the world around me.

maybe it is guilt. or maybe it is the overwhelmed feeling that seems to plague me each day as the books grow more "read here" tabs & the stacks of notes shoot themselves toward the heavens. perhaps it is that nasty feeling if discontentment that sneaks up on me like the boogy-man...& is probably the same amount of scary.

it's not that i'm not happy. oh, i am. even school these days is finally starting the synthesize. i had my first "real supervisor-free" patient a couple of days ago. i walked into the room & felt like i knew what to do--cardiovascular exam, respiratory, DTR's, cranial nerve evaluation, etc. and the truth is that it felt good. good to know that all the zero's that are after the $$$ attached to my name actually mean something.

and jon & i are happy--at least i am :) (i'd hope he would agree). don't get me wrong, i find myself often frustated with our situation & only seeing him twice each month. but he patiently reminds me that we chose this...and that God will get us through it.

and, for the most part, my life is pretty simple. and pretty happy...i guess.

but there is some inner turmoil lately. and it is stirring, rumbling, waiting to come to the surface. i know it. i can feel it. but i can't quite pinpoint it. like a volcano before it ruptures--a bit of seismic activity that even scientists can't pinpoint when or where the earth above the lava will finally break away.

it will happen--the explosion, i mean. except in the context of my life, i'm not expecting quite the spectacular display of colors & heat that volcanoes generate. but it will happen. and in the meantime, i'll just be waiting.

i get it.

i get it now. i finally understand what they've been talking about for so long. and no matter how great the spoken lesson, it was one i had to experience, to feel, before i really, truly could grasp the ginormity of its importance.

i get it now. it all makes sense. the many years of feeling alienated. the many weekends spent alone. and the many, many struggles that God helped me face alone. i get that He wanted me to grow. to learn to depend on Him.

because He knew i would have to later.

and the things they've been telling us? the things about learning how to be fully & totally comfortable with yourself before you move on to being comfortable with someone else; learning how to love God with ALL your heart & soul & mind & strength--not just the part that isn't loving your spouse or family or friends, but loving Him with ALL that you have; learning how to put aside your own desires for those of Someone better & bigger & wiser than you'll ever be. i get it now.

because life is too big to deal with on my own.

and humanity isn't strong enough to conquer & quell the fears & frustrations & faults that have built up inside of me.

i get it. i need God.

and He needs me to give Him ALL i've got.