right here. right now.

had big plans last night. big plans to do homework--lots of it. big plans that i didn't quite get to carry out. and boy am i glad i didn't.

watched the polar express. loved it. loved the movie. loved the company even more :)

during my devotion last night i was reading 1 corinthians. never really took the time before to absorb what Paul was trying to say. definitely did last night. definitely.

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. " --1 Cor. 7: 17, The Message

ya'll think God was speakin' right to me? seriously...how much more could this apply to my life right now?!?!

no no...i am not at all wishing i was somewhere else and definitely not wishing i was with anyone else. but Paul's reminder that THIS PLACE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW is exactly where God wants me to be. this is His place for me.

i can't try to find all the answers. can't try to reason my way through decisions. can't try to figure out the future. just can't. but i can live in the present...obey His direction...and love the life He has blessed me with. right here. right now.

giving thanks

i am giving thanks for this thanksgiving. (appropriate, huh?)

my week was amazing--a much needed rest for this weary soul.

took a walk (pictures coming soon).
ate A LOT.
laughed.
slept. (on the back of the couch, actually...kinda like a cat)
skied. got stuck in a snow bank.
sat by the fire.
read.
ate.
braved the semi-blizzard on the mountain.
worked on applications (4 more done!!!).
enjoyed much-needed time with my family.

i am SO blessed!!!

not looking forward to the next 3 weeks. have LOTS to do and not much time to do it in. just dawned on me a couple nights ago that my interview is in about a week. HOLY COW. (what is a holy cow, anyway?). getting a bit (okay... alot) nervous about it. but excited.

excited about what is around the corner. excited about unchartered territory. excited about what God has planned for next week, next month, next year. excited about the blessing of life right now.

sunrise...sunrise

sunrise...sunrise...looks like morning in your eyes

looks like no sleep in my eyes. yup. got to watch the sun rise today. thanks God, for turning on the lights again. don't get to do that very often. kinda cool, actually.

it was pretty crazy, really. i have no clue what happened to my day yesterday. somewhere between 12:30ish and 7:35 this morning, i:

ate PBJ toast
ate a piece of cheese
totally jammed out in my room (more than once)
write on my blog...twice!
took a 30 minute nap
talked about poopy floors with Alli for about an hour
took a shower
folded 3 loads of laundry
wrote a 15 page paper
ate a potato
made a 50 minute Power Point presentation
watched what seemed like a bazillion video clips online trying to find the right one for my presentation...found one!
drank vanilla milk
peed...only twice (is that bad!?!)
smelled our disgusting gerbles
ate popcorn
watched the sunrise
squished a spider
drank 3 HUGE cups of cold water
sent ~15 text messages
packed for thanksgiving (well, okay...not completely)
AND....DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK!!!! (minus my 30 minute nap)

i can't help but wonder how many days i took off my life by staying up all night. only my second complete all-nighter in history. don't think i have it on my calendar again anytime in the near future. ahhh...sleep :)

headed home tonight with alli. pretty excited for our drive...coffee and christmas carols are in the works--and guarenteed we will talk the whole time (how does that always happen?). then hair appointment tonight (brown anybody??). so looking forward to spending time with my family.

probably won't post again until sunday.

keeping Todd (uncle) in my prayers. dedicating the rest of this week to ask for direction and contemplate what has been on my heart lately....totally excited :) ahhh...to be in nature again...Sunriver here i come!!!!

yum.

second long break tonight..my list of "yums", as promised.

on page 11 of my paper! yum.

vanilla milk i am drinking right now. yum.

cold cold cold water i am drinking right now. yum.

thanksgiving in 2 days!!! yum.

my theme song for the night: Wave on Wave (by Pat Green). yum. [reason for this choice as my theme song: feeling that my papers has come in waves--i just wrote about 2 pages in 20 minutes but stared blankly at my screen for previous hour.]

excited to play with my camera in the snow in Sunriver. yum.

new people in my life. yum.

also loving "Somebody Like You" by Keith Urban right now. yum.

Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell (ha! that one is for you Jon!) yum.

erase all the "yucks" from before....my life is one big "yum". so much to be thankful for. so much i totally don't deserve.

yuck.

just taking a quick moment to rest my brain.

woke up this morning exactly 12 minutes before i had to leave. yuck.

pulled some crazy muscle in my back in ballet because our teacher doesn't let us stretch before we have to do backbends. yuck.

last 4 hours spent outlining and citing for my paper due tomorrow. yuck.

currently on page 2 of my 15-page Psychology of Trauma paper (that, by the way, is the one due tomorrow). yuck.

probably won't go to bed tonight. yuck.

mushrooms. yuck.

my feelings about school right now. yuck.

don't worry. "yuck" doesn't sum up everything in my life. there are lots of "yums" too. maybe the next time i rest my brain tonight i will write about my "yums".

moments

early morning tomorrow--um, i mean today.

its been an amazing weekend. a weekend i am so thankful for. thankful for so many things. but most of all thankful for moments.

sharing. caring. discovering. laughing. stories and fun and dancing. talking and feelings and talents and moments. moments that i will never get again. moments that i cherish. moments that i remember and smile.

totally relishing in my moments. but also realizing i am missing some very important moments in the lives of two very special young ladies. so....praying for all their moments--that they might be filled with God's love and grace and discernment, that they might follow Him with ever fiber of their being, and that they too will learn to appreciate the moments. because the truth is that when 50 years of time and trials have passed, what will remain are the moments.

'j'

remember sesame street?

i do. i loved it. loved it. still do, actually.

love big bird and oscar and cookie monster and most of all elmo and grover. love the silliness and randomness and quaintness of it all. love that they give so much credit to letters and numbers.

today gets letter credit too: this day was brought to you by the letter 'j'.

jlyn. yup. that's me. continually thankful for God's presence in my life; for all that He has brought me and all that is coming my way. thankful for the lessons, the fun, the opportunities, and yes, even thankful for the hardships. thankful for His grace and mercy and power. thankful that He is so incredibly generous. continually growing and learning and changing. striving to become more of the woman God has planned for me to be. continually realizing that i know absolutely nothing about this world..and continually thankful that i know the One who knows everything.

jumping beans. well...they are mexican, right? and salsa dancing is mexican, right? so...thanks to philosophy 101 we can deduce that they are somehow related. and although this day had nothing to do with jumping beans, it had everything to do with salsa. salsa on my southwest chicken wrap at dinner. okay, not absolutely everything--but i did go salsa dancing today!! i went with jon (another 'j'!). it was way fun....way way fun. definitely want to go again. soon.

jesus. saved the best for last. but He shouldn't be last at all...He should always and forever be first--a concept i continually strive to improve in my own life, in my own walk, in my own faith. so much credit goes to Him. undescribable, really.

so i'll leave it at that. leave it at jlyn and jumping beans (& jon) and jesus. leave this day dedicated to the letter 'j'.

Jehovah.
jiffy peanut butter on my toast this morning.
joyous that it is the weekend.
jubilant that i am alive.
jackets (warm ones!).
jabbering the night away.
jump jivin'...
judgement--or lack thereof...thanks to Jesus
jumping into something new and totally trusting God.
Jehovah.

ouch!

my finger hurts. really bad. wanna know why?

well....long story, actually. so i'm in this not-so-great class called Comparative Physiology. a class where we dissect live frogs and mix up their brains and throw their bodies away while their hearts are still beating (wow...that sounds really morbid). and in this not-so-great class we have these less-than-great independent projects where we pair up with people in our lab and independently create an experiment, maniuplate varibles, and carry our planned experiment proposal out--collecting, statistically analyzing, and interpreting data. pretty fun.

so this project of mine. kinda silly idea really...my idea to stick needles in myself 4+ times a day to measure my blood glucose level (i.e. my blood sugar...like diabetics do). and well, the most logical place to get blood is from my fingertip. which leads me to the part of this story: MY FINGER HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! really bad. i have poked it--in the same spot--9 (yes. you read that correctly N-I-N-E) times today. ouch.

but other than my throbbing finger right now...things are great :) really great actually. thanking the Lord that i am not diabetic. totally new sense of empathy for them. totally.

ugh.

totally needing an outlet right now. ugh.

tired of school. tired of homework. tired of not liking what i'm learning. tired of listening to teachers ramble on and on about nothing important at all. tired of trying to remember words and definitions and equations for things that are obviously common sense. tired of cramming my brain full of information and not remembering any of it when the time comes to regurgitate. tired of trying so hard. just tired.

wondering if this is supposed to be a sign. maybe God is trying to tell me something about my pursuits of higher education...(i.e. medical school)? wondering if maybe, just maybe, this is supposed to be a sign to never again pick the teachers that i have (with the exception of one). honestly wondering what the heck God was thinking when He decided to give me this semester. ugh. ugh. and ugh.

i am so looking forward to christmas break right now. YES! first break from school in 12 months :)

faith

doubt sees the obstacles

faith sees the way

doubt sees the darkest night

faith sees the day

doubt dreads to take a step

faith soars on high

doubt questions who believes

faith answers "i".

-author unknown

definitely woke up this morning filled. feeling good about this day, this week...the prospects for the rest of this year. feeling good that i have no reason to worry (although i am guilty of doing so anyway). feeling good that God is totally in the drivers seat right now. its an amazing feeling--to be so out of control and yet so at peace. kind of ironic really.

talked with my mom last night (and today...twice). her support is unending. so thanks, mom. your love and unconditional acceptance is more appreciated than words can express. oh, and by the way, you totally inspire me. (just thought you'd want to know...if you ever get around to reading my blog).

another side note: totally looking forward to this weekend...hopefully weather will cooperate so i can shoot a couple rolls of film :)

seeking Him

just like promised...another good day today.

incredible sleep last night--about 10 hours of it. thank the Lord (literally) that sleep was invented because it is just about one of my favorite things ever.

"BBChem" (i. e. BBQ) this afternoon at Dr. Cronk's house (my biochem prof). funny group of science nerds getting together to eat denatured protein (i.e. hamburgers) cooked with heat + oxygen + propane (i.e. a BBQ). realizing that with all that science claims to prove, i am thanking the Lord with all my heart and soul that i am blessed enough to know Him.

LifeCenter tonight was truly the 'cherry on top'. Pastor Joe has found his gift--and i am so grateful i am fortunate enough to be a receiver in his ministry. the sermon was on What God Has Done. kind of realizing how much i don't realize what God has done.

trying to remember the last time i prayed to seek God Himself more...not seek His plan, not seek His favors, not seek what He can do for me..but just to truly, purely, honestly seek Him. of all things to pray about, that should be the first on my list. because it is in seeking Him, knowing Him, having an intimate relationship with Him, that i am complete and whole and satisfied. i am good at seeking His plan...good at praying to seek His purpose...good at asking for favors from Him--not so good at humbling myself to seek Him.

and speaking of seeking....totally seeking God's will this weekend. amidst my heaviness and heart-cries, i am aiming to let it all go. every last bit of it, every morsel of humanity that is left of me. every desire, every wish, every dream, everything that is me. aiming to let all of me out and to let all of God in. hoping that i'll be emptied so God can fill me up. fill me up with hope. fill me up with purpose. fill me up with life and appreciation and energy for Him. fill me up with His dreams and desires and get rid of all of mine.

dreams and desires about my future. about my education. about friends and relationships and family. about where i will be in 8 months. about where i am headed. about my life.

so. going to bed tonight emptied. going through my day tomorrow empty. and the day after that.

waking up tomorrow filled. living tomorrow filled. and the day after that. and the day after that.

good day

good day today. good day.

took some "me" time. finally.

listened to some amazing music. read. reflected. journaled. thought. laughed (at my mom who called me from the 'emergency' nurse phone @ Camp Ghormley and told me something ridiculous she did). cleaned. finished a paper. studied. lots done. good day.

my heart is slowly calming down. it's not as heavy today. thanks Jesus.

coming to grips with the fact that worrying isn't helping me. coming to realize that my future will work itself out...it has thus far, right? coming to learn that when i reflect and pray and ponder and rest, i see things in a different light. and most importantly coming to know that i'm not in control of anything at all. not my plan. not my productivity. not my sleep schedule or homework. not my friends or family or relationships. especially not my future.

not counting on anything my heart desire's right now. not med school. not good grades this semester. not a predictable future. not a family of my own. nothing. not counting on anything my heart desires but counting on everything His plan dictates.

preparing myself to be ready to accept where the road leads. preparing myself to be vulnerable to any decisions that are out of my hands--which is all of them. preparing myself for new things, a new journey, new paths. preparing myself for another good day tomorrow.

(above picture found on Google images; edited by me :) )

heavy

heavy heart tonight. one that is not at all calm.

can't quite seem to settle my thoughts. been trying all night, all day...all week, really. trying to have faith; to know, and to rest assurred that all will work out for the best, but can't let go of myself enough to totally hand them over to God. knowing that i need to. knowing that i have no control. knowing that He does.

asking why. asking how. asking who. asking all the questions i am not supposed to be asking.

questioning God's timing. questioning my heart's motivations. questioning why He has given me this passion for medicine and then set my biological clock tick tocking away. questioning, more than anything, why.

so many of my prayers have slowly been answered after struggles and trials and tests. wondering what God is planning on doing with His answers.

so i'm praying for trust. praying for faith. praying that i might be able to let myself go--and not want myself back (making sense?). praying that i might give my heart over to the one who knows best, lay my load on him...for His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

planning

so i am a planner.

i am an appointment book-keeper, list-maker, clock-watcher. i am a want-to-know-what-happens-next sort of person who is always wondering, always questioning, always wanting to know where i am going and wanting every answer to the who-what-when-where-why-how of each new journey.

but i realized tonight after talking with margi that i can't know. i can't plan. can't watch the clock or keep a list of my future; because duh...it hasn't happened yet.

but these thoughts, this need to know is driving me crazy crazy crazy. i went to dinner with peter tonight...he told me that my biological clock was ticking (his exact words were "tick tock tick tock"...thanks peter). but you know what? he is right.

i am starting to notice kids more. starting to think logically and realistically about my life in 10 years--even 10 months. do i want to be going to school? do i want to be across the country? do i really want to devote the next 6 full years and the rest of my life to this career? is this really the path God has chosen for me? what about a family? do i give up the next 6 years and guarentee a secure future for myself and my family (assumming i'll be blessed with one) and risk the lifelong sacrifice of time with them....or do i choose the other path and see what else comes my way?

ugh. so many questions. and for this particular future-oriented, answer-seeking person, i am not waiting patiently. i'm trying to have faith...knowing that God has a future for me...wondering when i'll know--or if i'll know. wondering what to do, where to go, who to pursue, when to trust, how to go on.

i'll guess i'll find out soon enough.

burn away

Holy Fire burn away,

my desire for anything

that is not of you and is of me.

I want more of you and less of me.

Holy Fire burn away,

my desire for anything

that is not of you and is of me,

I want more of you and less of me, yeah.

Empty me,

Empty me, yeah,

Fill, won't you fill me,

with you, with you, yeah.

(Empty Me, Jeremy Camp)

change is in the air. i can feel it. i can feel it in my hands and in my heart.

the leaves have changed; once alive with green, now to colors of Sahara sunsets and crimson flames. gentle reminders that we must be willing to give up our own lives--our own greenery--in order for God to change the color of our lives a little. reminders that sometimes we must fall from where it is comfortable, high in the trees or high on our worldly pedestals, to a place of lowliness. reminders that God has something much much better in mind for our fallen leaves, our fallen souls and hearts and lives. reminders that the sun will rise, the cold spell of winter will end, and life will bloom green again.

the air has changed. once laden with the sounds of new creation, the air has gotten colder--and quieter. in the morning the new frost nips at my skin in vulnerable places; in the afternoon the barely-moving molecules tease warmth and sun and summer, and in the evening i am reminded of the comfort and blessings that fill my daily existence. the frost--its playful, daily changes--remind me that i am vulnerable. vulnerable to the elements, vulnerable to hurt and change and disappointment. vulnerable to what life might throw at me. that i might be warmed ever-so-slightly by the pleasures of this earth, but that those pleasures are purely temporary. that when evening falls again, when trials or temptations or difficulties fill my days, those pleasures won't sustain me. but then, just like frost in the evening, God nudges me and sends love for my humanity and trials for my personal growth, for the realization that this earth is temporary, and for the reminder to be grateful.

but more than the leaves and the air, i am feeling my heart is changing. maybe daring to journey on a road i've never dared to travel before. daring to question my plan...daring to expose God's plan. and so tonight i am praying for God's desires. for my future. for my life. for my attitude, my plans, my heart's new journey. praying that my desires will burn away and reveal His desire for my life.

perspective

i'll admit it. i am a bit emotional this week. i think it is because life can be so overwhelming at times--so frustrating, and so uncontrollable. sometimes i dare to wonder how much more i can fit in my 24-hour days...but then i remember that my brain needs a break just as much as my body does. its a constant challenge...taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

i'm not so good at the emotionally part. i tend to let things build up, hold it all inside until i burst (usually in the form of sleeping). but this week...this week has been different. i think my mom would tell me that God turned on my "leaky saline". you see, i'm not usually a crier (as in one that sheds tears; not a town-crier of sorts). i do, all-too-often, hold everything inside making myself entirely stressed out...let it all out in the company of only myself and life goes on. and while i have been keeping to myself quite a bit like usual, the crier part of me has also surfaced more often than normal.

i studied for over 15 hours for my physiology test on friday. i felt like i was about at an 8 on the 1-to-10-confidence scale. i had put in the time, the effort, the lack of sleep; i had done it all. and then i looked at the test. it was like my brain dropped on the the ground and ran away right out the classroom door yelling "ha! good luck sucker!!". okay no, not really. but the test went horribly. i went to talk to my prof afterwards and was totally overwhelmed by my frustrations. i think in the history of my experience in academia, i have cried 4 times--including this most recent incident. needless to say, shedding the salt-laden drops didn't do much for me except make my eyes red and lower the total NaCl concentration in my body...my test grade is still the same.

sitting in church on sunday, i was totally taken aback and i actually surprised myself. probably a combination of the incredible sounds streaming through my cochlea (haha..had to throw a bit of science humor in there; interpretation: ear), or perhaps witnessing more than a dozen people publicly proclaim their commitment to Christ through baptism, or maybe it was the powerful message of the need for my personal conviction that made my eyes leak. whatever it was, it was quite out-of-the-ordinary for normally-composed me.

and then today. after about 4 hours of sleep, i am officially tired. i have a ridiculous cough that is driving me crazy (i can't even talk to people sometimes), and i am more moody than normal--which probably bugs me more than anyone else.

but i was driving this morning at 7:30...on my way to school to take my test @ 8 a.m. the lyrics of a song by Shane&Shane (currently in my CD player) caught my attention in the midst of my drinking tea-looking at my study guide-defrosting my windows-driving.

i delight myself in the riches affair
trading all that I have
for all that is better
a garment of praise
for my heaviness
You are the greatest taste
Your the riches of faith

and it was then that i heard a little voice. and it was then that i realized that in the grand scheme of things, this test, this class, this semester is one small portion of my life--a life that God already has planned for me. how freakin' cool is that?!?! a life that i know holds SO much more than what i can see or hear or feel right at this moment. a life that i have been gifted--a life free of guilt and shame and blame. and you know why? because God wanted it that way. that's it!! not because he had to have it that way...my existence isn't imperitive for the survival of the universe (although i forget that rather important fact at times)...but God willed it to me, sacrificed for me, and continues to bless me. wow. i can't ask for more than that.

so forget about the tests. the grades, the tears, the emotions, the moodiness. forget about the trials and mundane frustrations, about the mess-ups and hesitations. because really...in the small milifraction of eternity...life ain't got nutin' on me. now that, my friends, is PERSPECTIVE.

silence

She doesn’t know just yet
Where she is headed tomorrow
She constantly questions her God
b/c she is wanting answers…

and patient He listens in waiting
to the cries of her life
and says child you aren’t yet ready
b/c I’ve got something better in mind..

and still she waits
wanting an answer
waiting to make a choice
and a world apart
he sits in peace
with the silence as his voice

her life isn’t going so well
she’s overwhelmed and tired and worn
her ears are getting harder
b/c she doesn’t think he hears

but he hasn’t left her side
while he prepared her heart
for the life she has coming
for what what he’s about to start…

and still she waits
wanting some answer
waiting to make a choice
and a world apart
he sits in peace
the silence as his voice

and then when she least expects it
he opens up his hands
and out it falls
into her life
his perfect plan…

she hears it loud now
she has her answer
she was patient to make a choice
a world apart
he sat in peace
with silence as his voice

(song: Silence; written October 5, 2005)

in the midst of it all

in the midst of cold weather and first frosts and winter jackets this early in november, i am finding warmth in hot chocolate, big blankets, and naps.

in the midst of decisions about life and medical school and going or not going, i am finding direction for my life.

in the midst of studying for 5.5 hours tonight for my test on friday, i am finding humor in sunflower seeds and "receptor adaptation".

in the midst of a new direction for my heart, i am feeling God totally in control.

in the midst of running errands and homework and work, i am finding creative outlets and relief.

in the midst of learning and cramming my brain full of endless information that many times i doubt i will use again, i am finding more and more room to fit it in.

in the midst of change, of uncertainty, of indecision, i am finding west virginia medical school interview invites in my email inbox.



and in the midst of daily life, with all the distractions, complications, and lack of assurance, i am finding God.....and the pretty flowers he made.

GRACE street

ever have something happen...something so weird and out of the ordinary...something so catch-you-off-guard that it couldn't have been chance? know what i'm talkin' about?

well...this event, this one happenchance--or God-sighting, as i'd prefer to call it--happened on sunday night and i can't seem to get it out of my head.

on sunday lifecenter just concluded their sermon series on GRACE. grace for the sinner, grace for the enemy, grace for the outcast, grace for everyone. it was an amazing closing sermon--displaying the magnitude of Jesus' unending love and understanding and (go-figure!) his GRACE! totally tugged on my heart-strings.

so jon and i were driving back to GU where my car was parked and chit-chatting it up, he missed the turn we were supposed to take. anyway...as the car weaved in and out of neighborhood streets in who-knows-what part of west spokane, we turned a corner and....




low and behold...GUESS WHAT STREET WE WERE ON!?!?!?!?




yup. GRACE street.

happenchance? i think not. God? yup, pretty sure. the message is loud and clear, God: grace for everyone.