Tuesday, November 08, 2005


i'll admit it. i am a bit emotional this week. i think it is because life can be so overwhelming at times--so frustrating, and so uncontrollable. sometimes i dare to wonder how much more i can fit in my 24-hour days...but then i remember that my brain needs a break just as much as my body does. its a constant challenge...taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

i'm not so good at the emotionally part. i tend to let things build up, hold it all inside until i burst (usually in the form of sleeping). but this week...this week has been different. i think my mom would tell me that God turned on my "leaky saline". you see, i'm not usually a crier (as in one that sheds tears; not a town-crier of sorts). i do, all-too-often, hold everything inside making myself entirely stressed out...let it all out in the company of only myself and life goes on. and while i have been keeping to myself quite a bit like usual, the crier part of me has also surfaced more often than normal.

i studied for over 15 hours for my physiology test on friday. i felt like i was about at an 8 on the 1-to-10-confidence scale. i had put in the time, the effort, the lack of sleep; i had done it all. and then i looked at the test. it was like my brain dropped on the the ground and ran away right out the classroom door yelling "ha! good luck sucker!!". okay no, not really. but the test went horribly. i went to talk to my prof afterwards and was totally overwhelmed by my frustrations. i think in the history of my experience in academia, i have cried 4 times--including this most recent incident. needless to say, shedding the salt-laden drops didn't do much for me except make my eyes red and lower the total NaCl concentration in my body...my test grade is still the same.

sitting in church on sunday, i was totally taken aback and i actually surprised myself. probably a combination of the incredible sounds streaming through my cochlea (haha..had to throw a bit of science humor in there; interpretation: ear), or perhaps witnessing more than a dozen people publicly proclaim their commitment to Christ through baptism, or maybe it was the powerful message of the need for my personal conviction that made my eyes leak. whatever it was, it was quite out-of-the-ordinary for normally-composed me.

and then today. after about 4 hours of sleep, i am officially tired. i have a ridiculous cough that is driving me crazy (i can't even talk to people sometimes), and i am more moody than normal--which probably bugs me more than anyone else.

but i was driving this morning at 7:30...on my way to school to take my test @ 8 a.m. the lyrics of a song by Shane&Shane (currently in my CD player) caught my attention in the midst of my drinking tea-looking at my study guide-defrosting my windows-driving.

i delight myself in the riches affair
trading all that I have
for all that is better
a garment of praise
for my heaviness
You are the greatest taste
Your the riches of faith

and it was then that i heard a little voice. and it was then that i realized that in the grand scheme of things, this test, this class, this semester is one small portion of my life--a life that God already has planned for me. how freakin' cool is that?!?! a life that i know holds SO much more than what i can see or hear or feel right at this moment. a life that i have been gifted--a life free of guilt and shame and blame. and you know why? because God wanted it that way. that's it!! not because he had to have it that way...my existence isn't imperitive for the survival of the universe (although i forget that rather important fact at times)...but God willed it to me, sacrificed for me, and continues to bless me. wow. i can't ask for more than that.

so forget about the tests. the grades, the tears, the emotions, the moodiness. forget about the trials and mundane frustrations, about the mess-ups and hesitations. because really...in the small milifraction of eternity...life ain't got nutin' on me. now that, my friends, is PERSPECTIVE.

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