planning

so i am a planner.

i am an appointment book-keeper, list-maker, clock-watcher. i am a want-to-know-what-happens-next sort of person who is always wondering, always questioning, always wanting to know where i am going and wanting every answer to the who-what-when-where-why-how of each new journey.

but i realized tonight after talking with margi that i can't know. i can't plan. can't watch the clock or keep a list of my future; because duh...it hasn't happened yet.

but these thoughts, this need to know is driving me crazy crazy crazy. i went to dinner with peter tonight...he told me that my biological clock was ticking (his exact words were "tick tock tick tock"...thanks peter). but you know what? he is right.

i am starting to notice kids more. starting to think logically and realistically about my life in 10 years--even 10 months. do i want to be going to school? do i want to be across the country? do i really want to devote the next 6 full years and the rest of my life to this career? is this really the path God has chosen for me? what about a family? do i give up the next 6 years and guarentee a secure future for myself and my family (assumming i'll be blessed with one) and risk the lifelong sacrifice of time with them....or do i choose the other path and see what else comes my way?

ugh. so many questions. and for this particular future-oriented, answer-seeking person, i am not waiting patiently. i'm trying to have faith...knowing that God has a future for me...wondering when i'll know--or if i'll know. wondering what to do, where to go, who to pursue, when to trust, how to go on.

i'll guess i'll find out soon enough.