heavy

heavy heart tonight. one that is not at all calm.

can't quite seem to settle my thoughts. been trying all night, all day...all week, really. trying to have faith; to know, and to rest assurred that all will work out for the best, but can't let go of myself enough to totally hand them over to God. knowing that i need to. knowing that i have no control. knowing that He does.

asking why. asking how. asking who. asking all the questions i am not supposed to be asking.

questioning God's timing. questioning my heart's motivations. questioning why He has given me this passion for medicine and then set my biological clock tick tocking away. questioning, more than anything, why.

so many of my prayers have slowly been answered after struggles and trials and tests. wondering what God is planning on doing with His answers.

so i'm praying for trust. praying for faith. praying that i might be able to let myself go--and not want myself back (making sense?). praying that i might give my heart over to the one who knows best, lay my load on him...for His yoke is easy and His burden is light.