fingerprints

i have noticed something lately. well...i noticed it before too, but lately it has been highlighted in bold, dancing letters: God has quite the sense of humor.

really, though. just when i think i've fallen, made a mistake, crossed a boundary i shouldn't have--fully expecting his reprimand...He shoots down a little bit of funny and aims it right at me.

for instance, this morning i woke up at 5 a.m. and was freaking out. i called my mom--who proceeded to first encourage, and then laugh at me! now let me clarify that she was laughing at me because she thought i was being cute--cute in a funny sort of way--but still....the humor part was still there. i have no doubt in my mind that those little giggles on the other end of the phone were just a little bit of God entering my world.

and now i am sitting here at my desk looking at the piles of laundry on the floor and the piles of homework next to me. and i am thinking that i really don't want to do it. thinking that i wish that God would just call my name and sternly command my brain to turn on and engage in what i am supposed to be learning....and so as i was blankly gazing around my room, my eyes fell on a nail file, of all things, that is in my cup of writing utensils, along with 3 sets of knitting needles and a pair of scissors. i looked at the nail file and realized it was covered in butterflies--and i love butterflies. and then i looked again and noticed that it said "JJ". ummm...WEIRD because i've never noticed that before. upon further examination, i found that it was only part of another word written sideways....but honestly...isn't that humor from God?!?!

and then--this was the kicker today. each week i get an update on new articles written for Boundless, a webzine for college students published by Focus on the Family. it has proven to be a great resource, realizing that other students are struggling with the same decisions and feelings and faith-issues. and the contributors are amazing--truly working hard to uphold Christian values that so often go by the way-side when secular education comes into play.

anyhow...my personal struggle lately has been about my longterm career and the prospect of juggling a life at work with the ideal of a family (if i am so blessed). it's been a difficult decision to make, because it seems to final. lately God has told me--more than once--to look at what is directly in front of my. to enjoy what i have right now and to not try to plan more than 6 months ahead. to savor every moment now, right now, because life won't be quite like this ever again. and so today, i was struggling with the same thing--the same future i am trying, with hesistance, to let God take care of. and low and behold...what came in my email inbox today from Boundless, but a Q&A on females in the workforce raising families. how ironic is that?!?! no...irony doesn't really cover it....i know the culprit. God's fingerprints are all over it. :)

william was right.

william. william shakespeare, that is. he was right when he said that 'all the world's a stage. and all the men and women merely players.'

yup. all the world is a stage--God's stage. and we are just part of His story. surprise! life isn't about us...our measley sense of identity or fervent efforts to "make something" of ourselves. we already are something. we already are something bigger than we know....mere players with supporting roles in the greatest story ever told.

so why is it so easy to forget that? why is it so easy to focus inward, to get distracted trying to fill out the forms for success, fill up the piggy bank, and fill in the holes in our hearts? why is it so often that i get discouraged, distracted, disilluisioned that my life is about me--when in fact it has nothing to do with me as a physical being? and why...why do i so easily lose sight of the leader/director/producer in this big play called life?

i do not know. but i am learning and i am yearning.

learning that the sky is bigger than i can fathom, and that it is the closest physical reminder of the immensity of God. yearning to remember how tiny i am in my physical existence...but how HUGE God's love for me (and you!) is. learning that the God is the lead character is His play, His story and that He has casted me as a supporting role. yearning to fill--seamlessly fill that role and jam-pack it with all the grace, humility, and glory I can.

so yeah. william was right. that shakespeare guy sure knew his stuff. :)

dream big

so i've discovered something this week: no dream is too big to come true.

i am here..in disneyworld...(pretty "magical" place, if you ask me) and really enjoying myself :) enjoying time with my family and the timmons'. it totally amazes me: that walter elias disney had a dream--a huge dream that people laughed at--and THIS, this is what it turned into. WOW. no dream is too big to come true.

we walk around the parks (yes, i had no idea but there are LOTS of parks) and i am in awe of all the creativity, the artistry, the big DREAMS that this place is full of. [i am also in awe of all the nose-picking-leg-kicking-tongue-sticking-out children here]. i was never 'into' disney...never into the princesses or princes or "magic" of it all. but this trip has changed me a bit. i understand the liking of this place--and it truly is magical :)

(i would share some pictures...but i forgot to bring the software to download them...oops!!)

fun. again.

here

here. in tucson. having fun. SO good to see family again....LOVE these guys :)

apparently travel isn't good for all of us....

more than ever

[note: added pictures (clink on "Portraits" link at right)]
[sad note: Bachelor Travis & Sarah broke up....prayers for them (wink wink)]


i am ready for spring. ready for newness and fresh dew on the grass (instead of frost). ready for baby birds--i'll even take chirping birds at this point--and sunshine and blue skies. ready to put away my wool sweaters and winter eskimo coats and scarves and hats and gloves and long johns and mittens and socks and slippers. ready for spring--more than ever.

i am ready for this week to be over. i definitely do not win the blogger-of-the-year award--ready for my stress level to decrease in, what i hear, is the most magical place on Earth. continually amazed at my ability to find things to do other than my homework, i am ready for this week to be over--more than ever.

i realized while i was journaling last night that God, being 'the dude', has already answered one of my hugest prayers from childhood. my prayer was that i would be better, stronger, more able because of the situation with my parents; that my experience through their divorce and court hearings, etc. would turn into a blessing. and guess what?!! 'the dude' is good!!! i realized that He has protected my heart and kept me focused on academics in order to carry out His will for my life (part of it at least) because He knows how easily i get distracted, sidetracked. if i hadn't been through the muck with the divorce...if i hadn't put steel bars up around my heart, maybe my life would be in an entirely different place. so i am thankful that i'm not ready to jump on the bandwagon that seems to be so popular right now. and i am thankful for my parents' situation. and i am especially thankful for obedience and faith--more than ever :)

funny

kinda funny. {and not a 'haha' type of funny; funny as in oh-my, holy cow...can't believe it.}

funny that spring break is after next week. funny that i haven't written in almost a week (and last semester a day couldn't go by without me needing to share). funny that i have about 10 pages left in my journal i started in november--whomever invented pens...i am eternally grateful. funny that i feel older by the day, that graduation is in 2 months, and that i start school again, probably across the country, in 5 months. holy wow.

funny that God has surprised me--let me surprise myself. funny that my life plan has been severely interrupted....and funny that i am grateful for it.

funny how human i am. how much i mess up. how much i trip and slip. i amaze myself daily with my complete ignorance. funny {and amazing} how forgiving, gracious, and lavish the blessings of God are...He continues to amaze me.

here are some [pieces] for you :)
































from every direction in the sky
i can hear the oceans cry
out to your name in awe

and still i stand in reverence
basking in your holiness
for the many miracles i saw

the falling snow, the changing trees
coming of the brand new spring
the sunrise and moonshine
for me...you made it
the cross and nails and bearing scorn
my entrance in the holy room
all you've done and all you do
you, my king...are majestic.

beauty for ashes

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor.

-Isaiah 61:3

i found this week that i have lots of ashes in my life.

lots of remnants from my past, my present that leave soot on my heart and my hands. and these remnants are from memories, from events, from broken dreams and misshapen heart-spots; from disappointments and regretted self-disclosures, from far and distant friendships. even remnants of thoughts dust the soles of my feet and seem to smear grayish black on whatever i touch. thoughts of the future. thoughts of life, of family--mine now and my own. thoughts of idealism. thoughts of peace and joy and hope and love.

i am not quite sure where these remnants and thoughts turned to ashes. perhaps its my own tendency toward pessimism. perhaps its the world that has conditioned me to think practically instead of prayerfully. or perhaps its the safeguard that God has so generously glazed around my heart. whatever it is, i keep watching my ashes. i keep watching and wishing they would be what i want them to be, that they would spontaneously take shape in the form of renewing serenity and answered prayers.

but my wishes are in vain.

because it was God who allowed the ashes--whatever the cause of them. it was God who sacrificed my dreams and hopes and heartfelt desires. it was God who lit them on fire and watched their brillance fade into grayish bleakness.

am i angry? no. am i scornful? no. am i purposeless? absolutely not.

do you know what happened after mt st. helens blew? ash was everywhere. for miles and miles inches of ash fell. the brilliant spectrum of green on the mountainside instantly turned to gray. the snow capped peak blew into a million bits and left a gaping hole at the mountain top. it was gray. it was ugly. for months.

but then something exciting happened. little green shoots peaked their heads out of the gray. purple wildflowers baked in the sun. animals left footprints in the gray ash. the mountain was changing again....God was repainting brilliance on the mountainside. He was renewing serenity and beauty.

and you know...i figured something else out: that God is doing that in our lives too. you see...all my ashes--all the remnants of hopes and dreams and memories, the things i once held dear--have turned to ash for a reason. because God wants to send little green shoots and purple flowers up through my ashes. because God loves. because God cares. because God knows.

and despite all the ashes i have in my life right now--for all the black marks of soot i've left on every tangible being in my life....i've already noticed that it is beginning to smell fresh. something like purple wildflowers, maybe.

God is working. He's making beauty from my ashes.

not ready

realized it tonight. i think i've been in denial for weeks--months, even. realized that i graduate from college in 3 months. that spring break is in 3 weeks. that easter is in 5 weeks. that i have been in college for almost 4 years. that i am getting old.

okay okay. maybe not so much the last one...but i feel like things are changing. i can finally look at the amazing people in my life and realize that i won't always be next door, down the hall, or 15 minutes away. i can look at the buildings and benches and favorite places on campus that have become so familiar and realize that in just 6 months there will be new things, unfamiliar things that will take their place. i can finally look at my incredibly supportive family and realize that i will be thousands of miles away from them while their lives continue as they have been. and i can finally look at my own life and realize that after graduation in May, nothing will ever ever be the same as it has been the previous 21 years of my life.

wow. life is moving so fast already--and i hear it just gets keeps getting faster. i'm not ready. not ready for the real world. not ready for bills and life insurance and college funds for my own kids. not ready for next steps and big steps and road blocks. not ready for more school, bigger school, board exams. not ready.

but i was journaling last night and realized something else. that in the midst of all these changes--friends, family, life, relationships, location, school, comfort, finances, etc.....the same God is in control of it all. the same God that has been in control since the beginning of time is in control of my life--my little measley life. He's gotta be my rock--thank God (quite literally) i can be confident that 1 thing will never change.


on a much lighter note...had an incredible SEARCH reunion tonight with 6 of my favorite people. wine and spaghetti and bread and salad...yum. AND (drum roll please.....) the Bachelor was on. holy cow i can't quite express how freaking excited i am for next week. could be the most intense Bachelor season yet. my vote is totally on Sarah (Tennessee). can't wait 'till next monday!!!!!!!

ultimate author

Some say it’s a milestone
The territory is unknown
Shadows call out my name
Wanting me to play their game

My ribbon flies to kiss the moon
The cow has left all too soon
Funhouse mirrors warp my face
What expectations in this place

This giant hole I won’t forget
Reminding me to not get wet
In the flood of materialistic things….
Now what remains to give life to me?...

It is you
You’re the everlasting
The never changing…
Eternal guider
Story writer
Author of my life

So write me story
That magnifies your glory
Shine the Son all around
So all I meet will be found
I dedicate this manuscript to you.

[written (by me!) may 29, 2005]

preview

can't believe its been 1 week since i've written. a full 7 days. a blur of 168 hours.

funny thing is...of the 168 hours i've lived in the last week, i've only slept for 30 of them. i kind of feel like God is testing me right now...my endurance and general functioning on minimal sleep. but you know what? i love it.

for how much i complain about being tired...for how much coffee i consume...for how red my eyes turn...it is worth it.

worth it to learn. worth it to spend time with and take time for people....even if it means staying up later and getting up earlier. worth it to risk. worth it to test myself.....because guess what?!?! this is a preview of what my life will be like for the next 6 years: crazy good. crazy tired. crazy worth it...for me, for God, for people.

notes of interest

i was listening to music last night. lots of it. good stuff--really really good stuff. i was listening to it surrounded by some of the women i love the most; and it was then that i realized something.

i LOVE music. i love it.

not especially musically inclined. can plunk out a few notes on the piano and have managed to learn a few chords on the guitar. played the recorder once, even. but i can't imagine music--God didn't give me that piece of Himself.

so this is a shout out to all those who do have that piece of God. i hope you realize how much of a gift it is. how incredibly lucky you are to create something straight from God's imagination--something in beat with the rhythms of God own heart. i hope you realize just how much talent you have....and i hope you want to share it. God, quite literally, put a song in your heart.....and the world is waiting to hear it :)

spring

in order to compensate for my lack of responsibility toward this blog in the past week, i decided to be daring and post twice in one day. the "wow-factor" is huge, i know.

i just needed to announce how extremely excited i am for spring.

new sky. excited for blue skies and clouds and constant sunshine.

new air. excited for rain....REALLY excited for spring rain showers--they are my favorite. and taking a walk in the rain sounds delightful.

new animals. excited for chirping birds and new life. something magical about God's kingdom waking up after a long winter.

new growth. i LOVE love love love all the new growth spring brings. new leaves on the trees. new flowers in the ground. especially excited for tulips and daffodils and daisy's---they are my ultimate favorite flowers ever.

new feelings. i think, in a sense, spring brings us out of our hibernations too. don't quite know what it is exactly---but spring brings a sense of hope, a sense of satisfaction, and a sense of reassuring comfort that God is in control. that He will once again fill the sky with sunshine and heat and blanket the earth in green.

and He always does :)

thinking

wow. can't believe it has almost been a week since i wrote last. been a bit busy lately--talking and writing and spending time and enjoying and thinking. about life...about futures....about potential.

and i've realized some things. realized that i would be desparately lost without God. that i would be horribly depressed without faith.

realized that i would be much worse off without family and special friends--support and encouragement and trust in who i am and who i can become.

that i would be much more reserved without taking chances, much more enclosed without being honest, and more naive without making myself vulnerable.

i realized that i would be in a different place entirely if God's timing wasn't as it is and that i would probably have taken a different path. realized that asking questions is almost as important as searching and praying and listening for answers; and that answers come in silence, too.

i've realized that over-analysis usually lends itself to misinterpretation and that patience truly is a virtue; that my flaws don't confound the nature of my character and that dreams don't restrict it.

and i've realized, too, that where i am in the here and now is exactly where i want to be...talking and writing and spending time and enjoying and thinking.

sunshine

the sun is shining today. and it rained last night.

just wanted to pass along the message that it is one heckuva happy day today.

because of people and finished talks and good food and coffee this morning and rain and interesting science class (me=nerd) and visiting special friends later tonight and hair cuts and sunshine.

God deserves to see your smile today. don't ya' think?!??

that means step out into the sunshine...and give Him a big ol' grin :)

special one

heard a story in church last night.
about God speaking through the most unexpected people.
it made me think about what messages i might be missing. time to slow down....time to listen.

i think it went something like this.

a man was praying early one morning, around 6:30 just when the sun was peaking over the horizon. it was his time, his God time...his alone time.

his young son had been sternly warned by the mother to never interrupt his father's time. and the son respected that. weeks went by and the son was cautious to creep ever-so-quietly down the stairs past his father praying in the living room and into the kitchen where the son would patiently wait until his daddy finished.

but one morning, as the father was praying, he heard the usual pitter-patter of little feet. and just when he least expected it, a small, warm hand touched reached out and touched him. the father looked up into the eyes of his son and was amazed when, out of the blue, his son said,

"hi, special one."

now, the father had never heard his son call him 'special one' before. he thought he'd heard wrong. but again and again, over 6 times, the little boy said quietly, "hi, special one".

and it was then that the father knew....knew that God had spoken directly, albeit unexpectedly, through his son. and it amazed him that God answered because that day, his prayer was to feel special.

currently smiling

such an amazing God day today. full of His incredible gifts of joy and education and learning and humility and fellowship and surprises :)

learned something today in my classes.
studied for 2 hours in the library.
sent my deposit to West Virginia (and had to take a picture of the envelope). holy cow...i might move across the country.
ramped up my endorphins at the gym.
spent 4 hours at work with Judy, who keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh--a lot.
gazed at shelves of books at Barnes & Noble.
got a new brown shirt. i love brown. a lot.
surprised Jodie with an engagement party.
drank wine with friends. (i liked the friends better than the wine)
had chocolate cake--lots of it.
used my camera.
got a very special card from Jon. still beaming i think.
finished my homework.
headed to bed.

yup. it all makes me smile.

God's hand

you don't change, you just become more transparent.
well, how do you become more transparent? do you have to take LSD?
no silly. imagine a glass house covered with dirt, mud, and a lot of other junk.
i'm following you.
and you wash it clean until it sparkles.
right on.
well, the house hasn't really changed.
it's clean.
but the essence of what it is hasn't changed. it has just become more transparent. you just shine by become more who you already are.
you know miss humphrey told us something in art class once. she said some dude asked Michelangelo how he knew to sculpt David.
what did he say?
he just chipped away at everything that wasn't David.
--exerpt from Coffee Will Make You Black, by April Sinclair


i can see it. already i can tell that God is working; working in my life and the lives of those around me.

i can tell that God is present, is alive, and is changing the hearts of His people. i can tell because of instances that could not be coincidences. i can tell because of my smile, my glow lately. i can tell because of fulfilled dreams and ever-present doubts; open doors and closed windows. i can tell because of the love, the friendship, the comfort i find in people. and i can tell, most of all, because i feel free. finally free to let God work without regard to my plans or my future....i've given Him the chisel and he's at work getting rid of all the 'stone' that He didn't intend to be part of me.

be still

Be still and know that I am God.

--Psalm 46:10

question for you: when was the last time you were still? no, i mean really still. the last time you put your body in a state of total stasis, completely motionless. when was the last time you sat and listened to your own breath--the complex movement of air into and out of your lungs, the movement that keeps you alive? when?

for me, it had been too long. wayyy too long. it had been months probably, since the last time i was still. i'd gotten too caught up, too busy to notice the simply obvious fact that i was still breathing.

seems kind of silly when you really think about it...silly to sit in one place and listen to yourself breathe, see the opacity of light on the other side of your eyelids, and feel your stomach working.

but it isn't silly--not at all. because its in the stasis that i am reminded to appreciate the immense complexity of God's workmanship. it's in the quiet that i am reminded to be thankful for the gas exchange that happens every few seconds to keep me alive. it's in the tranqility that i am reminded that my body is a complex machine hand-crafted by time's greatest Inventor. it's in the stillness that i know without a doubt that God is God--it's where i find peace. it's in this place--this physical quiet--that i can hear God. i can hear Him through my heartbeat, my breath, my blood. i can hear Him with my senses.

you should try it, being still i mean. you might be surprised at the sweet sound of your own breath.

"speak Lord, for your servants are listening." --Pastor Joe Wittwer @ LifeCenter Foursquare Church, January 22, 2006

playing my cards right

God is pretty funny sometimes; all the time actually, He just tends to make me realize it more at certain times than others.

He definitely makes me realize it when i wake up and think my clock is an hour ahead, sending me into a frantic fury of morning routine...until i realize that i am actually 30 minutes early.

He makes me realize it when i learn that the human body is a fine-tuned machine innately built to be more complicated than my measley human mind can comprehend.

He makes me realize it when i get a seriously humorous, genuinely meaningful gift from somebody special :) and both God and this somebody make me smile... a lot.

and....He especially makes me realize his Divine sense of humor when i am playing an apples to apples game with 14 other people and out of all hundred-something cards in the deck i could get.....he gives me one that says my favorite word this week!!. it is, after all, the newest word of habit--a gentle reminder of how God feels about me and how i should strive to continually feel about Him!

an original

"but what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. we find ourselves involved in loyal communities, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. that means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. we have far more interesting things to do with our lives. each of us is an original."

(Galatians 5:16-22)

superman

i met superman today. he morphed from batman right before my eyes. but he was superman more often, he said, because superman can fly. and i'd say he did fly today...or as close as any 4 year old ever comes to it.

i met God today. he told me He had plan for me. but He said he still has some surprises up His great big sleeves; he likes surprises, he said, because they make me trust him more. and i'd say i did trust Him today...or as close as my heart would let me.

i met fear today. it whispered sweet-nothings in my ears about the future. i should be afraid, it said, because i'm venturing into absolutely unknown territory--territory that covers every aspect of my life. and i'd say it's a priority on my prayer list....or as close to the top right now as i'll let it be.

i met hope today. i think God put an IV in my heart...i think it injected something like sunshine into my veins. and i'm pretty sure it pushed out a little of the fear....or it tried as hard as it possibly could.

i met innocence today. she was wild and small and full of spark. oh, and she loved Winnie the Pooh. it was good to see God's face like that again. and i am positive that she was a cherabim before God sent her to earth....or maybe she just hasn't lost her wings yet.

did i mention?

did i mention i LOVE love love my new camera? i took over 325 pictures today--i guess you could say i was a bit camera happy. got to spend time in God's rain at the park by the river. so fun.









did i mention that i think Zits (the comic) absolutely makes my day? how do they come up with these things? hilarious.





did i mention God is awesome AWESOME awesome? He is continually suprising me and blessing my life beyond all imaginable measure. making dreams come true and inspiring me daily.









did i mention i kinda really A LOT miss a certain someone? he's a pretty cool dude i know....totally an amazing inspiration in my life.










did i mention that i got to walk in the rain today? it was lovely.







and that pretty much sums up my day--lovely.





thanks God.

guitar

so i tried to learn the guitar once. didn't work out too hot for me. but you know what? that is okay because now i have someone awesome who plays for me all the time :) but really--you should hear him....quite a gift i'd say (wink wink).

i was reading through Zits and came across the one above. it was like deja vu; where have i seen that before, i thought?! and then, like the ocean tide, it came to me.....i've seen this cool guy put on a performance like this....except without the guitar...and while he is driving. air guitar all the way. (haha!!)

okay okay. just kidding jon. hope you know that :)

on a lighter note--or heavier, whichever you choose--i had 8 teenagers here last night. they were actually quite self sufficient. they are currently sprawled out on top of one another downstairs...pretty cute if you ask me :) [and it is cute, not CUTE]. lots of screaming girls, lots of ice cream eaten, lots of make-up played with....lots of memories for them.

nothing is on the agenda today. perhaps transporting my sisters to other social gatherings. probably cleaning up after the tornado of girls leaves. hopefully talking with this cool dude i know. maybe taking a walk in God's rain, too :) and for sure sitting by the fire soaking up the last days of being home.

{sigh}

it was probably back in elementary school when i was overwhelmed with shock for the first time. i was left speechless when one of the boys in my table 'pod' burped, farted, and coughed--all-at-once. it seemed humanly impossible. i had no words...it was like a hugely impressive circus act all compacted into one little body. and so...i'm left with no other choice than to explain the last 24 hours of my life as a similar performance.

i can't believe it was only 20 hours ago that my life changed. totally, completely changed. i can only imagine what it would be like to be sprayed with a firefighter hose or attacked by an giant squid or hugged by big foot....but yup, i feel like that. {sigh} i am relieved...and dumbfounded... and awe-struck....and totally high on adrenaline. so now...its official...[can't believe it]....

i am going to medical school.

wow. {sigh}. and after my news last night (and subsequent leaps over the house, severe muscle twitches from excitement, and extreme speechlessness), my day today just kept getting better....how does God do it?!!?

first, i leaped out of bed this morning at 5:45 a.m. had to wake up my sisters (times about 15 until they actually rolled their lazy selves out from under the cozy covers). made myself a HUGE cup of hot chocolate and watched the beautiful sunrise; pink, blue, orange....the sky seemed so big and there i was on my porch (freezing in the wind, by the way) thinking i was so small. in the grand scheme of things, my life is only one of billions that will exist on this temporary Earth during its lifetime. but the coolest thing is that my life matters to God. He has blessed it soooo much. {sigh}

after another trip to middle school this morning (you'd think i was a student or something for how many times i've been there this week), i took my lil' red Charvie in to get serviced....looks like he'll be needin' a new battery soon. gotta start saving more of my pennie$.

then i got to scrapbook :) it makes me happy...recording memories, i mean. i was quite efficient if i do say so myself. called amanda and talked about life for over an hour. and i got a few text messages that made me smile [they were sent at about noon and were from a cool dude i know].
another trip to middle school....then picked up one of my sisters' friends for a photo shoot---which also made me happy because i get super excited to take pictures especially with my new camera!!! {sigh}. note: the lighting wasn't optimum, though, and the pictures didn't turn out extremely well--but there are a couple of the decent ones posted:)

and then i got a very special card from someone amazing :) totally made my day---it was the icing on the already-delicious cake. {sigh}. i think i'm still beaming!

and then i got flowers delivered and a 'congrats' balloon that sings "celebrate good times...come on" from my parents for getting into med school. gosh they are great. {sigh}

and then it started pouring rain....which made me extremely happy (but not as happy as my special card). took a trip to the grocery store in an effort to stock up on food for the 8 teenagers that will be over here tomorrow night...all night. pray for me....i am begging you. and then sometime tonight i get to talk to that very special someone again. {sigh}

what a great day. no, no. great is an understatement that doesn't even come close to describing the life-altering events that have taken place in the last 24 hours. what a God day--totally and continually blessed by Him.

and on top of all that...guess what?!! i am wearing those fancy boots again today--and my feet are veeeerrrryyy cozy. it's all good. {sigh}

happy

whoever thought of these boots must be entirely out of their minds. i noticed four feet this morning walking out the door with my shoes on--the feet just happened to belong to the 2 teenagers i am currently surpervising. so i was left with slim pickings for footwear...and these were the chosen ones. i feel like they are my golden tickets to stardom; stardom for making such trendy fashion choices or the alternate: a county jail for illegal poaching or sour style. either way, i feel the same: like a teenager with cozy feet.

puffy is so cute--cute and annoying, that is. he was whining at me all morning for more people food (little does he know it is laced with medicine). what a life he's got. he smells really bad right now too. oh dogs....can't live with 'em but miss 'em when they are gone (hmmm....depending on who you ask, you might get that same answer from some women on living with men).

so alongside my super-trendy fashion choices and the little white fur ball that has kept me busy today, my day, thus far, has made me extremely happy. it was like God spiked my water this morning with happiness--for some reason i've just been beaming all day. i was driving this morning thinking about Jesus and special people and my sisters and the sunshine....and i couldn't help but smile. with all that has been on my mind, i am honestly a bit surprised that i am so lighthearted about life--but that just proves God's magic even more! He is totally duderific.

hallelujah

i realized tonight that this blog has become more of a soul-bowl than anything else--a place where i silently spill my heart with no knowledge of who is reading on the other side. this wasn't my original intent...it was to serve as more of a daily record; something to look back on and see growth and change. but it has become more than that; it has become a vessel, an outlet, where i feel ultimately comfortable giving the world a glimpse of my heart. it's something new for me--vulnerability, i mean. but, as the old adage goes, sometimes you have to let yourself go in order to get yourself back. so i am letting go, letting loose, and totally feeling the return. it has never before been as real to me as it is now. so thanks, to whomever out there is reading; thanks for being on the other side, reading in between the lines of my heart-song.

my Bible is open next to me right now. 2 Corinthains is staring me in the face. and i totally hear a mumble from God--i just can't quite make out what He is saying. i feel like He is trying so hard to squeeze something out of me--something entirely foreign to my being. it is like a rumble just before an earthquake--a warning sign that something big is coming. but whatever it is, i am confident that God will open doors and pad the floors (reference 2 Cor 2:12-13)...making it evermore easy for me to sing His praise.

Who can hold the stars

And my weary heart?

Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard

Sometimes I feel so far

But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain

Swim the ocean

Or do anything

But it's when you hold me

That I start unfolding

And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me

Help me to sing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Whatever's in front of me

I'll choose to sing hallelujah

[Hallelujah, Bethany Dillon]

excess

it seems that excess has come upon me, covering me with joy in the light of its presence. i am struck by grace and on my knees by faith; amazed and confused and delighted with God's generosity.

needing to reflect on His power. needing to dive into His heart. and right now, seriously needing some sleep. more to come tomorrow.

but know that i am smiling tonight. because of an excess of hugs. because of an excess of nature's beauty and smiles and laughter. because of an excess of blessings.

journey

refer to the title of this post. and no, i'm not talking about the band Journey, i am talking about my own journey. my journey through 2006--all 365 days of it...and beyond ("to infinity...and beyond"--okay not quite...to eternity and beyond might be more like it though).

i'm not one who usually makes yearly goals at the dawn of the new year. with my lack-of-persistence, they tend to get stacked up, pushed away, buried in all the papers and schoolwork and day-to-day life. in other words, the goals i make rarely get revisited, muchless actually accomplished.

but something told me that this year would be different; a spark of sorts that rolled into my heart by luck--or by fait or God (probably the latter). this spark ignited something--something very personal. but i am willing to share it. why? because i think it is necessary...because i think it is necessary to document this new journey, and to be held accountable (both directly and indirectly) for where it might take me. and so i was inspired to write...i wrote and wrote and wrote--8 pages of writing in my journal, actually. 8 pages of new goals, hopes, aspirations. and no, i am not going to share all 8 pages--some things need to be left within private binding; but i will share parts--the important ones at least.

just finisihed Wild at Heart. wow. my heart cry right now is full of thanks. thanks to God for making me a woman, thanks to Jesus for being my spiritual warrior, thanks to my 2 Dad's for assurring me i am lovely, and an entirely innocent thanks for my newest inspiration.

how incredible is it that God created me because He wanted me. not that He needed me--He had thousands of legions of angels on His side, the company of Heavenly Hosts, and the world at His fingertips. He made me, handcrafted every curve and breathed life into my lungs. He made a little space for Himself in my heart, and wrote a desire on the walls of my being. He wanted me to grow into Him...to gradually fill the void with more of Him and less of the other things the world provides.

and, as i am just realizing--again and for the first time--God wanted the road to be unpaved. i am not supposed to know what is around the corner. partly to lean more on Him and partly to take the time and effort to truly search my heart. Wild at Heart asked What is your heart yearning for? What is it telling you? and i am making the decision to begin a new search for the answer. it's time to bare my soul to the One who already knows what it contains, time to being a new journey into deeper understanding of who i am, who God is, and of the relationshiops around me and those that are part of me. time to make myself vulnerable, keeping in mind that as long as i follow God's lead and strive to do His work, my life has purpse--ultimate purpose that the world cannot come close to offering.

and finally, FINALLY, i feel good about this search, this heart cry. i feel good about making myself just a bit--okay a lot--more vulnerable. i feel good about truly listening to what God has to say and deciphering what He wrote on my heart at the beginning of time. No longer is it about the money, the prestige, the 'helping people'. no longer is it about the education or even the relationships. but finally i feel like my entire being is wanting to focus on the Savior, the Creator...the Inventor. i don't want to enter this unchartered terriroty unprepared. i don't want to go in without supplies or tools....for gosh sakes i could have the One who MADE the territory by my side.

with all that potentially lies before me, i want to be filled with the holy power to give my 110%...no my 200% to my calling, my faith, my family, my friendships, my relationship. i don't want to begin one thing (e.g. Med school) and find that i have to sacrifice a portion of something else to stay afloat. i want to have it all...and i can have it all. it may not be all i want, but God knows it will be all i truly desire. by trusting Him--giving it all to Him, i know i will be more filled, more satisfied than i could ever ask or imagine. granted it won't be immediate. it could take years, decades even. so part of my prayer is for endurance. endurance to tough out the rough times, to "push through" as Jon would put it. the rough times financially, educationally, relationally, and most of all spiritually. i realize now that a large part of my hesitation, my teetering and half-empty perspective has been an enemy attack. an attempt to cut me down...to emphasize the "empty womb of Eve" and my instinctual desire to be rescued from my tower. the Enemy knows my weakest footholds, knows the desires of my heart, and has taken every attempt--and will continue to do so--to play up my weaknesses and uncertainties and play down my confidence and strength. He is no fool, and i cant be one either.

so, just as Captivating so accurately outlined, i want--no...want is an understatement--i yearn to be part of this greater battle. i am trusting that God will provide the leader and that He'll be the ultimate commander. and, for the first time in my life, i'm actually not afraid. i'm not scared to charge full force into undiscovered waters of regret, through dense forests of memories, and climb mountains of guilt and gossip. i am not afraid to be that maiden, to make myself vulnerable...even to hurt. sure, my heart squirms at the thought and is tempted to relinquish its stance, but my calling won't let it. i am ready...finally ready. i want to know more about myself--about God--and ultimately about His purpose for my life. if my place is in a home tending to my children (counting i'm blessed with some), then my prayer is for Him to prepare my heart for that. if my place is in a clinic with a white coat, then prepare my heart (and my brain) for that. and then again...what if there is another place...one far greater than i can even begin to think of now. what if that is my place? No. this i know. that is my place...one far greater than i can think of now. how do i know? because i know with full certainty that God wants the very best for me. and by trusting Him, I'm allowing Him to make my life better than i could possibly imagine.

that's not to say it won't be a life without trials and turmoil and tears. thats not to say relationships will be easy, not to say a career (if that is where i am led) will be the land of Oz--although it may prove entertaining if all my coworkers were midgets....but that's not to say my life will be black and white either. in fact, i know it will be full of color.

this new endeavor, as grand as it may seem, really has 3 main goals:
1) to be true to myself
2) to fix broken relationships
3) to find the character of God....and recognize it in daily life

the FIRST: to be true to myself. i think i've always lived with somewhat of a facade--a guard closed over my mouth and over my heart. i can't quite say where the tendency to block myself came from, or even where the layers of hardened seal were added, but life events have made me keenly aware of its presence. and it wasn't until December 2004 that i began to break down one of the barriers..........God gave me the wisdom to turn to him. so i made it my almost-daily prayer...to make God's love sufficient. and ever-so-gradually, it become just that. it became more than that, in fact........ my prayer on this new adventure is to be true to myself. to not back away from what God has placed in my life, to not build up the seal and certainly keep my head and my heart out of the dungeon i have made--where air is in short supply and dreams tend to die. to stay true to the woman God has made me...and keep the promise and prayer to Him that His love will always be sufficient.

the SECOND: to fix broken relationships. this trip to arizona has really made me realize something: i am a disappointment. my dad talked to me and said something that i've never really processed before...or perhpas i've "chewed" but never really "swallowed". i realized after he said it that in a large way, a largely reciprocal way, i have disappointed DeAnna. wow. my thought before was that she didn't like me, that she was in competition with either me or my mom. and while a very minute fraction of that might be true, what is true is that i wasn't the daughter she bargained for. i wasn't the child she always wanted....the girl to paint nails and share secrets with. not because i couldn't be. but because i didn't want to be. how could she not take offense to that? and on top of that, i never really gave her or my Dad a chance to be my parents. sorry guys....although you love me and have valiently tried to show me, that slot has already been taken, position filled. ouch. what a slap in the face. no wonder they rebelled. no wonder they retreated. the two of them--and then alec--were the forgotten family. the ones who tried but never--and still don't--made the grade. and given, they have hurt me too. hurt me a lot in many ways i can't begin to desribe or understand. but that, in a large part, is the very purpose of this journey. to find first a way to reconcile the rift between my memories and my heart, and second to reconcile the relationship that has hung by a ravelling thread for too long. it will be quite painful, i am certain. the rewards may be few and for sure will not be immediate. but it will be worth it. if not in this life, then in the next.

and finally THIRD: to find the character of God and recognize it in daily life. to dig deeper into a Book--a history--i haven't ever before cared to discover. to enter a spiritual realm i haven't before dared to venture. i want to know about this God--who made organic molecules and the Nitrogen cycle, who crafted all hundred-and-something bones in my body and still had time to paint the starfish bright colors. i want to know this God who inspired royalty and makes rags riches; who lives in the hearts of man and the head of beasts. i want to know the bravery and the beauty, the wild and the wonderful; i want to know the fearsome and flawlesss...saving and sacrificial side of the One i am giving my life to. i want to know God intimately...to enter into a loving relationship with Him....to be, through my faith, awe-inspired and delighted in by the Creator of the Universe.

so as i embark on this journey, this wild and wonderful new faith cahpter, i pray especially for endurance, for support, and for wisdom--in my time use, in my choices, and in my desparate seeking.

there is no turning back now. i have to take this leap of faith and trust that God will give me wings on the way down.

peaceful land & a little boy

just got back from a 3 day mini-trip within this bigger trip. good to be back in civilization. i was literally in the middle of nowhere--but i was also in the middle of God's creation...which was equally cool.

thursday morning we packed up the car and headed umm....headed out of Phoenix and into the desert. we drove and drove and drove for 3 hours--just the car and the road with sagebrush and cactus to keep us company. we stopped the car in a little (and i do mean little) place called Golden Shores where DeAnna's parents live. stayed there almost 3 days--no cell phone reception, no internet connection...didn't really even see any other people. BUT don't get me wrong, there are 4 good things that happened on my journey--really good things.

#1. i read-- alot! it was peaceful there. oh my it was peaceful. just the wind. no noise...no smog...no cars or buses or planes. just the wind. i sat outside for about 4 hours and read Wild at Heart. at the end of the day i'd read cover to cover--the whole thing. and then i wrote. i wrote and wrote and wrote. i'll post bits and pieces of my writing tomorrow...i was truly inspired. and in my bubble of inspiration, something adorable happened...which leads me to #2.

#2. little boys. alec, in particular. he drives me crazy and makes my heart melt. he was full of energy on thursday night. FULL of it. i made a big pile of couch cushions on the floor and he was jumping off the back of the couch onto the pile. then we played some Pokemon game he made up (we used to call it 'hot lava' or something of the sort)...so he and i were leaping from cushion to cushion...until he pushed me off. he shoved his hands in my face when i was trying to read and ran over my toes with his remote-control car (this is the drive me crazy part). but a little later, after he'd settled down a bit he made my heart melt--completely. i was sitting in the corner by the lamp reading. i'd tuned out the sound of the TV and talking and his GameBoy music that usually resembles the song-that-never-ends. i was enthralled in my book--in my own little world. but then two little arms came around my neck and a warm little cheek was next to mine. and then alec sighed...and whispered [in a cute little voice], "oh sissy...i think my heart is in love with you" . see what i mean?? heart melting.

have to go check in with the family this new year's eve. can't believe 2005 is almost over--about 4 hours left here, actually. lots to reflect on tonight. and perhaps more to look forward to :)

Sedona

my little brother is so stinkin' cute (and stinkin' in the most literal sense of the word as well).
driving in the car today:

Alec [talking to me]: hey sis. can you do me a favorite? [Alec-talk for "can you do me a favor?"]

me: yup. what can i do for ya'?

Alec: can you just hold that [handing me his new Pokemon game] right there willy (kid code for 'really') carefully?

me: got it. not moving.

Alec [talking to DeAnna]: hey hun? sissy is holding my game for me. just wanted to tell you.

and that was it. that was his whole conversation--mostly with himself, but that was that whole thing. it drives me crazy when he calls me 'sis'...i really don't like pet names...but at the same time, i absolutely love it. so endearing, really. to be that young again....to have the world that huge again....to be full of that much wonder again....wow.

on another note, a bit more serious but just as 'cute'...i went hiking today :) this is what i saw:

wow, huh? drove down to Sedona....walked around a little....ate lunch....asked our waiter about hiking...hiked for almost 2 hours...got stabbed by a cactus (with blood stains on my jeans to proove it)...totally reconnected with God. i was really looking forward to climbing up this huge rock hill by myself and having quiet time at the top, but my dad came with--which turned out to be a blessing as well. good to spend time with him...even though we didn't get to talk too much. the hike was SO great. did i mention i enjoyed the hike?

oh man. God is so cool. just thought i'd remind you...in case you'd temporarily forgotten. :)

woman

we drove around tonight for about 30 minutes looking for a place to eat in Phoenix. no luck. we ended up right back where we started from--at the hotel restaurant. seems like life's journey is that way a lot of the time...we search and search for the perfect place, the perfect things to fill ourselves with...and we end up right back where we started--empty and tired. but that isn't my point tonight.

we sat down to dinner and my brother--being the 7 year old boy he is--yelled across the table at DeAnna, "hey woman....whatcha got there?". it was all in fun...it was totally innocent. he got in a bit of trouble for calling his mother woman. but woman is exactly what came to mind. one woman, in fact. one woman named Mary. one woman who just happened to be the mother of Jesus.

i think Mary is forgotten about too often; she gets pushed aside in all the hustle and bustle, in all the ooing and awing over the Christ child. and though the Child does deserve each compliment and cuddle, Mary is on my mind tonight as a true Saint--in every sense of the word.

can you imagine being that young, that innocent, that unknowing? can you imagine being handed the fait of the world--to carry inside you, care for, and nuture for 9 months? can you imagine how she felt? did she cry? tremble? did she run to her own mother for advice (i am sure she would have called her if cell phones would have been around)? what did she do?

i am reading Captivating right now (great great book, by the way). as it explains, the true heart of every woman yearns to be beautiful; to capture and radiate Beauty. we, as women, find an intimate beauty in an intimate relationship with Christ. so if Christ is Beauty, if Christ represents everything about beauty...then didn't Mary carry Beauty itself in her womb? is that not a crazy thought?!?! Mary, in the blooming age of adolesence, carried the person--both divine and human--inside her...the person that would grow to teach the nations, heal the sick, comfort the broken-hearted, save the world. Whoa.

so not only am i thankful for the Man that, quite literally, saved my life...but i am grateful for his mother. a woman--young as she was--who had a faith, trusted God, took a risk, had a baby, and saved the world in her own way. and you know what? that is exactly what God asks of us too....

...well...maybe not the baby part for all of us. i guess men are exempt...

sometimes i forget...

sometimes i forget that i am blessed with 2 families. families that love me very much, that want to spend time with me. two families that i have been freely given...sometimes i forget, in my familial-abundance, that some have not been blessed with even one family to share their joy.

sometimes i forget the power of forgiveness. i am not exempt from guilt in the wounds i have created in my distant past. i am not exempt from scorn or shame--or a broken heart. sometimes i forget that my parents aren't exempt either...that all the outbursts and lashings were actually anchored somewhere; sometimes on their hearts. i forget that, just like me, they too were hurt; they too felt pain and scorn and shame. sometimes i forget that they have made their best efforts to forgive me--and that, at the very least, they deserve the same from me.

sometimes i forget about the small, impressionable boy that holds part of my heart. i forget about his vulnerability, his innocence, his youth. sometimes i forget the adoration i hold as a much-older sister...even if i don't understand Yu-Gi-Oh or Pokemon (or Star Wars, for that matter!). i forget what it is like to play with no inhibition, to speak with no obligation, and to imagine with no limitation. i forget what it is like to be seven...missing teeth and full of life.

sometimes i forget that there was a man born 2000 years ago that would change the world forever; i forget the importance of His birth, His life. i forget that he was born for me...to save me. i forget about his ultimate purpose: that he was born to die. to die a shameful death...to die for me...because of me. sometimes i get too wrapped up in his divinity and forget about his humanity; forget that he was human too. that he experienced my pains, my wounds, my heartbreak. that he was tempted--that he resisted. i forget that he was pure--totally and completely pure. can you even imagine that?!

so tonight i want to remember. remember all that i too-often forget. my families. my forgiveness. my brother. my Savior.

and tonight i hope you remember too. remember your blessings...remember your Savior. it is His birthday tonight, you know. i can't think of a better reason to celebrate :)

undeserving

i don't deserve what i've been blessed with. not at all.

i don't deserve such a unconditionally loving, supportive family. one that holds me up, boosts me up, picks me up. one that never questions the magnitude of support--mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically--or the motives behind it. who puts up with my lows and tolerates my highs. i don't deserve my family...who takes me back every time with open arms and willing hearts. who welcomes me and loves me for who i am and who i am becoming.

i don't deserve such an amazing new person in my life (you know who you are dude). don't deserve his patience with my exploration of unchartered territory. don't deserve his delighfully humorous company. don't deserve to hear his incredible God-gifted musical talents (although i haven't heard all of them yet...ehm). and especially don't deserve as many hugs as i get...but i'll take 'em anyway :)

i don't deserve the grades i got this semester. thinking it'd be one of my worst, God totally (and i do mean TOTALLY) surprised me. i am kind of in shock right now actually...okay really in shock right now. don't deserve them at all....but thanking the Almighty above that He employed Ghostwriter to change the letters around and make them better....yup...pretty sure that is what He had to do---no way i earned those.

i don't deserve the weight off my shoulders for all the mistakes i've made. don't deserve forgiveness again. don't deserve the unconditional love and affection and grace that flows through me daily. don't deserve the commitment from Christ, the sacrifice and the pain that He endured...

i definitely don't deserve any of it.

but since it has been gifted to me...i am daily thankful for the millions of blessings in my life.

how did i get so lucky?!?!?


[probably won't post again until around January 2, 2006!!! happy holidays!!!]

know-it-all

gosh. that God dude.

ever wonder if He just sits up there laughing at us...how totally gullible and temporary we are?

ever wonder how many times He tries to stop us from doing something He doesn't approve of--something we end up doing anyways?

ever wonder how many times He'll say I love you when we don't deserve it at all?

small speedbump earlier this week--a speedbump that has, thankfully, been smoothed out by prayer. but God wasn't done reminding me of it....

this morning i opened my "verse-a-day" calendar for Thursday, December 22. this is what i saw:

if you keep yourself pure, you will be a utensil God can use for his purpose. your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work. -2 Tim. 2:21 NLT.

wanting me to remember that speedbump, huh God? wanting me to remember that you've got an ultimate purpose for my life that my actions can't interfere with.

so i'm praying that i'll be used--in every sense of the word. used by God for his purpose. used until i'm all worn out and empty...because then, & only then, i will be made whole.

character

learning about my own character. and currently feeling led to pursue God's.

learning that i am somewhat of a half-empty-er person. that i'm not as scared of things as i used to be. that following God's will in purity and full faith is much harder that i initially thought. learning that i am changed by people, influenced by those around me more than i ever imagined before. that i am not the entirely independent person i was just 6 months ago. learning that i need to set boundaries for myself and stick to them. learning that i have to follow God...not my heart or my head or my own two left feet. that i can't predict my future--that i shouldn't want to. that God has already accounted for my many many mistakes and mishaps, bummers and blunders. learning that no matter what i do, God will love me anyway.

feeling led to get to know God more. get to know Him as a Creator, an Almighty, reverent, eloquent power. get to know the Wrath, the Fury, and the LOVE. feeling led to get down to the knitty-gritty, caloused palms, firey voice of the Lord; to identify with the grits, appreciate the palms, and recognize the voice. feeling led to know the One who made me, who changed me, who continually changes me, who saved me, and who will raise me. feeling led to know the one i call Father, Lord, Jesus, God, Savior. Divinity. Humanity. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. wanting to know more about Him...grateful my heart strings have been tugged.

bummed

so bummed out right now. had high hopes of developing all those glorious pictures i took in SunRiver over Thanksgiving...took the well-protected roll of film to WalMart today. walked around the store for an hour gathering random things i didn't need and risking my life to old ladies with carts when crossing the aisles. bought toothpaste (and got $.75 off will my coupon). talked with Christine--oh she is great.

65 minutes after i dropped off my precious roll of film, i went back up to the photo counter. and GUESS WHAT?!?!?! only 4 pictures turned out. 4! f-o-u-r. can you even believe it?! there is something seriously wrong with my camera. ugh. these photos were amazing through the lens. apparently not so amazing because they didn't make it onto the film. ugh. have to get it repaired. totally bummed out.

thought i'd share at least 2 pictures of the 4 that actually came out.

yes...SunRiver is that beautiful. and yes...that is me sleeping on the back of the couch post-turkey. i did sleep there for 3 hours and i was totally comfortable.

so much new

ahhh. breathe.

nice, deep breath. feel anything different? no? try again.

there is something different--very different....SCHOOL IS OUT!!!! first semester of my senior year is over. crazy. always saw myself beyond this point in life. but at the same time, never imagined i'd get here. it always seemed so far off. so much that is going on in my life always seemed so far off....now that it is here, i am feeling....well....oldish.

at least it is oldish and exciting, though. totally enjoying each new day. totally. enjoying no scholastic obliagations. enjoying [thinking about] sleeping. enjoying spending more time with my very special friend. enjoying work even! enjoying icicles (looking at them from a warm place, i mean) and chai and soup, warm blankets and scrapbooking and reading fun (yup...you read that correctly folks...for fun).

so much new right now. applying to med school--which by the way, is also crazy. thinking about the possibility of moving across the country. new people. new places. new milestones. new transitions and responsilibities. new challenges.

always believed i'd make it. but never thought i'd be here. so much exciting. so much new.

i can tell you...

i can tell you how oxygen flows through your body, why your heart muscle continues to beat but your skeletal muscles give out after exercise. i can tell you why light reflects off particles in the atmosphere to make the sky blue, why the magnitude of refraction is larger in water than in air--which is what makes a straw look crooked. i can tell you about the cascading effects of hormones activated in the pituitary gland and hemoglobin binding affinity to oxygen under variable conditions. i can tell you about Freud, Jung, and all the other crazy psychologists who thought they had life figured out; about Darwin who changed the face of science permanently. i can tell you about HIV Protease Inhibitors and the prospect of hope they provide for patients with AIDS.

i can tell you more than you'd like to know. and i'm grateful for my education--so grateful. but, when joy is lost in the journey...what is the journey worth?

i am reminded of ecclesiastes 2: 3-11:

With the help of a bottle of wine and all the help i could muster, i tried my level best to penetrate the absurdity of life. i wanted to get a handle on anything useful we mortals might do during the years we spend on this earth. oh, i did great things: built houses, planted vineyards, designed gardens and parks and planted a variety of fruit trees in them, made pools of water to irrigate the groves of trees. i bought slaves, male and female, who had children, giving me more slaves; then i acquired large herds and flocks, larger than any before me in Jerusalem. i piled up silver and gold, loot from kings and kingdoms. i gathered a cloud of singers to entertain me with song, and--most exquisite of all pleasures--[edited for lack of point-related content]...Oh, how i prospered! i left all my predecessors in Jerusalem far behind, left them behind in the dust. what's more, i kept a clear head through it all. everything i wanted i took--i never said no to myself. i gave in to every impulse, held back nothing. i sucked the marrow of pleasure out of every task--my reward to myself for a hard day's work!

whew! long passage. but so relevant right now.

i feel like i've worked so hard...poured blood, sweat, tears, and a whole-lotta sacrifice into learning about what i used to love. but the marrow of pleasure is gone (but if you'd like to know, i'd be happy to share the function of marrow with you!!).

is this my reward? is this it?!?!?

i know that in the grand scheme of things, these tests--this finals week--does not matter. i've kept my stress level low--knowing that God has already accounted for my failures and falters this week.

praying for more JOY next semester. praying that i'll find education pleasurable again. praying that i'll be more grateful for these blessings.

magnitude

i want a renewed faith.

a faith so big that it dives, without reservation, into the depths of God's immense love. a faith so wide it wraps the world in its arms. a faith so high that the angels recognize it as mine when they are flying among the heavens.

i want a faith so immense, so immeasurable, so pure and righteous, that God Himself smiles.

i want a faith that is brave; one that faces dangers and fights battles and expands beyond all measure.

i want a faith that trusts; one where there are no wrong turns or mishaps. a faith in which the who-what-when-where-why-how questions are not only left unanswered, they aren't asked at all. a faith where any direction i am taken is the right one--be it around the corner or across the world.

i want a faith that is pure; that is untained and whole, untouched by the world, by the temptations of the flesh.

i want a faith that is humbly prideful, quietly loud, and measurably infinite.

i want a faith that reflects God's love, God's sacrifice, God's grace. a faith whose imagination has no restrictions, whose magnitude is unfathomably great, and whose purpose is purely heaven-sent.

i want a renewed faith. a faith that is deep and high and wide and long and short and big and small and short and tall and infinite and finite. a faith that covers all grounds, rounds all corners, faces all challenges. a faith that captivates and consoles and creates.

a faith that holds God's attention.

long day. good day. yesterday. today.

long day yesterday. was in 4 states actually: virginia, north carolina, colorado, and washington (duh!). was iced in and delyed even. SO glad i'm back. SO glad the interview is over. again just trying to trust that i'll be where God wants me to be. mind boggling to think about travelling. the fact that a machine can defy gravity and fly at 300 mph (or faster?) across the entire U.S. in one day is amazing. oh i love airplanes. i love the people they bring together. i love the crazy thoughts you have to conquer to even begin to understand them.

good day yesterday. interview is over. i am home. will be done with school next wednesday. had an awesome welcome at the airport and got to spend time with one of my newest favoritist persons too!! [is that proper english?!?]

yesterday. another day. another day well spent, mind you. very well spent if you ask me :)

today. lots to do. papers and problems and reading. almost done. i can almost feel the freedom. ahhhh. so excited!!!

deep breath

taking a deeepppp breath this morning. sitting in my hotel in virginia--my parents just left for their flight to phili to visit friends. i fly home later this afternoon.

i woke up this morning and forgot why i was here. couldn't remember that i had an interview yesterday--an interview that could, possibly, maybe, potentially change my life. crazy to think like that. i am really just trying to trust that God will put me where He wants me. i guess my biggest fear is that He doesn't want me anywhere--at a med school anywhere i mean. i keep asking questions...keep searching for answers that i know i won't find.

gonna be honest. was totally doubting yesterday. totally doubting my motivations to apply. totally doubting my ability to succeed (still am a bit). totally feeling pegged and a bit criticized by my interviewers. totally doubting that this is really, truly what i want to do. walking through the halls of the school, it totally felt homey (sp?). but the feeling of hesitation superceeded any feelings of comfort. do i really want to spend the next 2 years studying literally 21 hours every day? do i really want that for my life? but then again, i love the subject matter. love the people.

i'm probably not making any sense. just my thoughts bantering back and forth, back and forth. looking forward to sleeping after finals. deep breath for finals too. i have SOOOOO much to do. SOO much. and then....glory, halleluia....i have 1 month off for the first time in 12!!

YES.

patience

my patience is thin tonight. running on about 3 hours of sleep....plus 2 hours on the plane. my parents are amazing--sometimes just overly concerned about me. and so my patience is thin--praying for a new attitude when i wake up in the morning at 6 for my interview.

i'm in west virginia, by the way. crazy. c-r-a-z-y. never been over to this side of our grand country. it is absolutely beautiful here. the woodlands, open space, and rolling hills--WOW. kind of unreal that i'm here. kind of unreal that i was invited here. kind of unreal that i could, maybe, possibly, potentially, someday over the rainbow live here. do i like it? yup. a lot actually. feeling blessed that i am fortunate enough to be able to afford a trip over here. feeling blessed that i have such generous parents. feeling blessed that God has given me sooo much--including an incredible hotel to stay in tonight.

we are staying at the Greenbrier...one of the oldest hotels in the country! not far from here about 250 years ago, a woman came and was treated for rheumatoid arthritis. she claimed she was healed...and started an pilgrimmage of people to this place in Greenbriar county. since then, the land of the Greenbrier hotel has been a plantation (with slaves) and has expanded into a monsterous building with pretty much the most amazing Christmas decorations and landscaping i have ever seen. the christmas trees inside the building look like big bunches of ribbons and flowers--not quite sure where the actual tree part is sometimes. and there is an indoor pool (huge...with hand painted tile inside) and an indoor bowling alley (my mom won...we played a game) and a movie theater inside and about 10 lobby's and probably 200 old people walking around in furs and suits (not kidding you...a jacket and tie were required to eat in the dining room...since we didn't bring the right clothes we had to order room service). and then there was me: with jeans, airplane-hair, a down vest, hiking boots, and my HUGE backpack waltzing through the lobby like it was a hostel or something. i don't think the old Southern Belle's appreciated it much.

anyway. i am headed to bed. totally beat from this day, this week. praying for patience and a new attitude when i wake up tomorrow. praying that the weight on my heart tonight will be lifted. praying that God will sit next to me--maybe be my ventriliquist (sp?) tomorrow during my interview. praying that He will direct my path...whether it be paved to here or elsewhere.

so tonight i will fall asleep trusting. trusting in His plan. for my life. for my future. for my relationships. for my family. for my education. for my travel. for my faith.

masterpiece

you see my imperfections
and you say i'm a masterpiece
the marvelous reflection
of yourself in me
you paint with strokes of grace
undoing my disguise
the beauty lies...in the true story.
(Ginny Owens)

i think stress might be an understatement to describe the events of this week. totally stressed out. totally exhaused (about 28 hours of sleep in the last week or so). totally thinking about my future.

my interview is on thursday. blessed with so many completely supportive people around me. SO thankful for that. feeling that God has equipped me with what might be sufficient for doctorhood (!)--only He can determine it. He's the man who has got the plan--and i struggle daily to trust that. and who knows...it could be something totally unexpected. knowing that the future will work itself out (with the help of the Big Man Upstairs) is one of the most unsettling thoughts to me. ironically, however, it is also one of the most comfortable.

the fact that i don't have to strive for perfection. that God has created me just how i am--take it or leave it. that i don't have to try to be something i am not; i just have to try to be more of the person He created. the fact that i am full of flaws and imperfections--all of which He has taken into consideration and will use to carry out His will...the masterpiece with my name on it.

count my lucky stars

stressed. kinda high-strung this week, actually. warning: might be minutely moody.

med school interview #1 in approximately 74 hours (ahhhh!). cross-country travel in approximately 42 hours. SOO much to do between now and then.

sleep? naw...who needs it anyways. can't catch up on it...might as well not get it!

my weekend? awesome. (thanks for asking, wink wink). probably stayed up too late, got up too early, didn't get enough homework done--but it was worth every minute. every single minute. feeling so blessed. praying for God to be the leader and director. praying that i'll keep trusting Him without hesitation or reservation.

so despite my exhaustion (sleep total the last 5 days: not much) and my stressed-out-self, this morning i am grateful for new things (and new people)...hopeful for the future...and totally counting my lucky stars.

itching

okay i know. kinda grossly graphic title. but that was the word that came to mind.

i feel like i am in a constant state of suspense right now...just waiting and wanting and enjoying.

God and i just had a little date in my room. pretty great guy that God dude. i was journaling and realized that i have filled up about 1/4 of my new journal since november 8th. apparently i've had a lot to say. lately i've just been itching to write. itching to express myself--to preserve the precious things that fill my life.

last night i was laying in bed contemplating: sleep or read...sleep or read. and then...i couldn't take it anymore. i had to read my Bible. it was like there was something that God had to have me see (and, by the way, there was!). lately i've been itching to read it more and more and more. totally something i've struggled with for so long--but finally, after many many many prayers--totally diving into God's word, His Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. pretty cool.

p.s. it is snowing outside right now. how did God think of this white stuff anyways? (and...if you were wondering--which you probably were--the water in snowflakes is in a semi-crystal lattice structure and the molecules are more spaced out than in liquid but less spaced out than in ice....now you know!!)

praise

a snowflake fell on my cheek today. i think it was God's kiss from heaven. and while chicken little might have felt the sky falling, i was feeling totally inspired. inspired by the magnitude of the sky. inspired by the idea that God blows each snowflake down from heaven...and that He aimed one right at my cheek.

i said a prayer today. i think God gave me a hug when i was talking to Him. it was that warm, cuddly feeling...like hugging a puppy or snuggling on a couch or taking a nap under a big, down blanket. a warm, cuddly feeling that was a nice change from the nipping frost outside. a nice change from the sharp attitude of professors this time of year. a nice change from what life throws at you sometimes...if only down blankets shielded us from life, from challenges, from tests and trials.

my heart was thankful today. it cried out to God--and He totally heard me. between the pitter-patter of my heartbeat, i sang a new song of joy for life. a song of joy for undeserved blessings. for unchartered territory. for new things. for discoveries and friends and "special friends". a song of joy for art and creativity. for science and knowledge. a song of joy for gifts and dreams and futures. a song of joy...and a song of praise.

praise for grace. praise for patience. praise for snow (even if i don't like the cold). praise for the people in my life. praise for my education (no matter how stressful it is at times...times like now). praise for chocolate and running water. praise for knowing the truth about Jesus.