the circle of life.

its an odd feeling, really. to have the Circle of Life playing in my head. and elton john's voice that hasn't left my side today.

odd because i feel like this really is the Circle of Life. new births. new experiences. marriage. love. and...death. and i feel that up until this point, my life has been full of "normal" growing up experiences. but now...now that my grandparents have almost all passed away..i'm realizing that this whole growing up thing is coming to an end. and the time is fast-approaching where i am going to have to be the grown-up. weird.

my grandpa died tonight. after a long battle with Alzheimers. and colon dysmotility. he passed peacefully. surrounded by family. full of medication to dull the pain. and even though i kind of wish i had a medication to dull the little bit of pain i'm feeling tonight too, i realize that it is a good pain. a good pain because this means that life is moving on. that i am growing up. and that God's Earth keeps on spinning. a good pain because another death serves as a reminder that this is life. that i am alive, breathing, living...and that my days are full of opportunity.

too often i take them for granted--my days, i mean. too often i sleep them away. or let negativity take over my soul. and too often i forget the command that God has given us as our single, solitary, sole purpose here on Earth. and too often i fail to recognize that my life does have purpose, and is written by the Master Planner Himself. my days are numbered. my life, here on Earth, won't last forever.

so it is a good pain i'm feeling tonight. at the loss of my grandpa. at the birth of a new soul into heaven--and most of all, at the reunion of love between him & his fabulous wife of what would have been 50-something years. and you know, that says a lot. a lot about him. a lot about his character. and it especially says a lot about the Love that God has given us to experience here on Earth.

i'm inspired by it. enthralled with it. and hoping that jon & i will carry on the tradition left by my grandparents...and his grandparents. the tradition of love. that knows no end. that sees no other option but to continue. and love, that draws inspiration from the ultimate Lover.

and i can only hope that when the time comes to say goodbye to yet another generation (i guess that would be the time when i am considered "old" & all grown up), that i, too, will be able to make a selfless decision to let God's timing take control. without medical intervention of uneeded preservation. without pharmacological concoctions to dull pain & activate respiration & suppress the body's natural response to death. i can only hope that i'll be as strong as my parents. and love & care about them enough to just let them go.

but in the meantime, i'm going to enjoy life. i'm going to enjoy my experiences, my days, and my opportunities. and most of all, i'm going to enjoy the love & grace & purpose that God has poured into my life. because it is times that these...of grief, and mourning and celebration of life...times like these that make me grateful for breath.

thanks for the inspiration, Grandpa. thanks for the lessons of love. the summers spent on your sailboat learning how to steer & how to read the wind. thanks for the trips to Orcas Island. and the bike rides you enjoyed so much. for the summers i spent day dreaming in the pool & under the willow tree on the tree swing Uncle Todd built. thanks for the optimism you continued to show, despite your failing memory & challenges of health. and most of all, thanks for the legacy you left. for the family values you sewed. and for the faith whose seeds were found in your every-Sunday-church-going.

we certainly won't forget you.

oh...and say hello to Grandma. i miss her too.

i'm over it.

so really, i'm over it all. school. studying. the excitement of becoming a "doctor"--like it was something special in the first place. i'm just over it. ready to be done. not even with studying...not even with boards (although those too fit in the category of "will be beyond elated when over")...just with this whole situation. i'm getting tired of it. no, in fact. i'm already tired of it. and we've still got a long way yet to go.

i think my original perception of what this journey would be like was pretty accurate. i thought it'd be hard--nobody expects this sort of school (where you learn to be in charge of other people's LIVES) to be easy. i mean, who knew there were like 32 bones in the human ear. God, you got WAYYY to detailed on that creation--tone it down a little, dude.

what i certainly didn't expect, though, was to be so disheartened from the experiences of others in this profession. i know that i want to be there for my family. i know that i want to be available to our kids--whenever they may decide to show up on our doorstep (that is how it works, right??). and i know i want to the best wife i can be. but from the remarks of so many other women professionals, IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE to have both. and that makes me sad. sad because i was told in the beginning that it was possible--although i've had to adapt to the fact that i won't be able to give my 200% to both...which has become okay with me. sad because this field that seems so "portable" & "family oriented" really truly is those things...for the patients. and sad because i feel like the magic of this entire adventure has been widdled away to a pathetic little ember whose light doesn't seem likely to last the next two years until graduation.

so the truth? i'm just over it. i'm ready to be done. ready to move on. ready to move in with my husband. ready to be available to HIM before my own selfish ambitions of career & world-betterment. ready to shovel away this pile of debt & textbooks & brain space & bury it in the grand canyon.

maybe these feelings are normal. some statistic spouted out last week that something like 72% of med students are actually clincally depressed at some point in their education was probably true. and the reality is that it is laughed at, accepted as "the way med school goes"...and left between the highlighted pages of our psychiatry textbooks.

but then again, maybe these feelings aren't normal. i'm supposed to be ("supposed" to--as in, that is what the world is telling me) enjoying this time of my life...of my marriage...of my friendships.

and yet here i sit. in hick-town, USA. freshly returned from a shopping spree at walmart where i bought all that i needed--a new toothbrush & a vanilla candle. my husband is 360 miles away. i've got a stack of notecards taller than my head to get through by tomorrow night. and boards coming in something like 68 days (but who's counting, right?).

and i'm totally, completely, entirely over it.

vent over. i needed that.

there are days.

there are days that it seems life is just too much to handle. too many decisions to be made. too much on my plate. there are days that i'd much rather stay in bed all day, sipping chai & reading a real book. one where i can get wrapped up in the pages and transport myself to the world the author has painted with his words. there are days when it seems like the future is just too big, too scary, and too aversive to even try to keep on going...when the truth i'd much rather curl up next to my husband and let time pass us by. and there are days when it takes all the strength i can muster to just get through it without a good cry & a friendly box of kleenex.

today is one of those days.

life is overwhelming. the future is daunting & entirely uncertain. i'm already sick with worry. i could go for a good cry & a better hug. my study stack doesn't shrink....ever. and i'm not sure that my decision to be here...to do this...was the right one in the first place.

but tomorrow is another day. and i can only hope that it will be better than today.

worry.

there is something inside me that draws me toward certain things. like an intrinsic gravitational force that i'm unable to overcome at times--well, okay all the time. some days, i'm humble enough to consider the things i'm drawn to as temptations. but other times, like today, they manifest themselves in things much more fierce...and much less holy.

i'm a worrier. by nature. i didn't choose to be one. and i'd shed that trait of mine faster than i shed skin cells if i could. but try as i might, it just won't go away. i've taken quite a transformation in my own perspective of it. at first i embraced it, thinking that it was entirely normal that people worry about such things as bugs crawling in their windows & finding foreign fingernails on the ground. normal that people worry about how the $12 just spent at the grocery store could have been used in 27.5 years from now or how each and every decision made--no matter how small--just might not be the right one.

after embracing my worrisome nature, i found that my welcoming it into my world had caused it to settle in the saddlebags & arm flab of my body. NOT OKAY WITH ME. so naturally, i went into denial. tried to push that worry far far far back into my brain. tried to think about pineapple & Maui & cute fuzzy bunnies instead of thinking about worry. but that didn't work. mostly because i started worrying about those cute fuzzy bunnies.

so now, my only choice is to recognize this built-in tendency of mine as my temptation. and as i've struggled with this, i've been supported by my incredible husband who has helped me recognize that by worrying more, i'm letting God lead my life less. my worry about that $12 of grocery money is pushing God's provision in 27.5 years out of the picture entirely. my worry about my ever-growing student loans is denying the Divine ability of God's plan to abolish them quickly & completely by providing a more-than-ideal job opportunity. and my overwhelming worry about whether being here in school, choosing this path in life was the right decision is outright denying the fact that God practially pushed me through the door He opened for me here.

i think that this battle with worry is really a hidden lesson in TRUST. trusting God. trusting jon. trusting myself. and although each day i tend to take two steps forward and one step back, i do feel like i'm making progress--even if it is only measured in fairy footsteps.

worry doesn't belong in the hearts of believers. there is a time & place for everything, though. and my hope is that 27.5 years from now, i'll look back & realize that God has made this measly worry-wart a beautiful, new creation...and that the $12 at the grocery store today was money well-spent.

There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift. I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.

Whatever was, is.

Whatever will be, is.

That's how it always is with God.

{Ephesians 3}

signs of test week.

i haven't moved the laundry off my bed since last monday (yes, 7 days). i haven't done my dishes in 5 days & finally resorted to using plastic utensils & eating out of tupperware containers because all my 'real' dishes were dirty. this growing stack of notecards seems to be...well, growing. i'm only through about 1/4 of it. and i only have 72 hours left. (ahh!). and my trusty pen collection; every assorted color--all very well used this week taking notes.

yup. it is test week. dirty laundry. dirty dishes. notecards strewn about & constantly at my side. they come to bed with me, sit on the eliptical at the gym, join me in brushing my teeth...& i even fancied a way to study in the shower :) (i'd like to hug the inventor of Ziploc baggies).

in short: time is precious. pathetically precious during these weeks. every action has to be justified. and yet here it is. tuesday morning, almost 1am. i'm exhausted--but can't seem to let myself fall asleep. i saw 2:30am on the clock yesterday morning...not voluntarily, either. my brain just won't shut off. i keep going over mechanisms in my head--and subsequently confusing myself on everything i seemed to have learned the prior day.

and i feel behind. SO SO SO behind. i didn't get through my to-do list today. and when it is test week, my to-do list is gold.

but i'm oddly confident. (or perhaps i'm beyond the point of caring). confident that this too, shall pass. and confident that in a little more than 72 hours, this will all be behind me.

one 5 hour exam lies between me and....sweet, glorious sleep.

a day made better.

“God never places us in any position in which we can not grow. We may fancy that He does.

We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing;

but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward.

Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure,

we are making the best kind of progress.” --Elizabeth Prentiss

so the truth is that for the last 4 days, i've been hit with a selfish stick. in my mind, i'll sheepishly admit that my thoughts & life & complaints & actions have been all about me. and for as totally awesome as it is to go around thinking that i have it pretty bad & loathe in self-pity, i think my brain would have imploded if it continued much longer.

the turning point was tonight...when i filled my stomach with quite possibly one of the THE MOST AMAZING things i have ever tasted. yes, that's right. i discovered Yoplait Whipped Chocolate Raspberry yogurt. it is like heaven on a spoon. and, i dare say, it might be better than ice cream. {and if you know me, that last statement should have been a jaw-dropper}

so after my life-altering savory eating experience that sent me to the high-heavens & back again, i realized that i have SO MUCH to be thankful for. i had to perform a head-to-toe physical today on someone from the community (who had great tympanic membranes, by the way...perhaps the best i've ever seen). and when i walked in the room & was greated by a warm smile, i realized how much i've learned in the past 16 months. and how fast it has gone by. and really, how much i've changed.

there are so many days where the monotony of studying gets the best of me. and i complain. i complain to myself. and to jon. and to God--who, by the way, put me here in the first place. and i SO EASILY get overwhelmed. one small thing, seemingly harmless, will set off a spell of "freak outs" that lasts for days. and like a smelly pile of laundry, the things i'm overwhelmed about pile up. they amplify themselves (perhaps like TAG repeat sequences on chromosome 9 in Huntington's disease?) until i just can't handle it anymore. and i break down.

the break down, by the way, doesn't meet DSM-IV criteria for admission to a psychiatric ward (although that is debatble some days)...i just cry. and like a typical female, think of all the possible things in the WORLD that could go wrong in my life. and i cry about those too.

but EVERY TIME, God finds me. He meets me where i'm at (which, tonight was with Whipped Chocolate Raspberry yogurt in hand). and EVERY TIME he reminds me that it was HIM that put me here in the first place. he PROMISED me he'd get me through this--get us through this.

and i remembered today that He has. and He will.

i know i'll look back on this experience with harshly fond memories (oxy-moron intended). many days this whole situation makes me feel less than "normal"--almost alienated from the rest of the world that keeps spinning around me. apart from my husband. away from family. nose in a book all day long. disconnected. and on those days i don't feel like i'm growing.

but the reality is that we never stop growing. sometimes when we aren't growing up, we are growing downward...sinking our roots deeper & deeper into the soil God has placed us on. and you know, in my opinion roots are the most important part.

weary.

i'll be honest. there are days when i'm doubtful. doubtful that God is with me, that He is alive & present & constantly changing, molding the world that surrounds me. doubtful that He wants me, that He loves me as much as people tell me he does. and yes, even some days doubtful of His existence at all.

its been a struggle lately. to remain faithful. and hopeful. and grateful. for the opportunties i've been given & the people strategically placed in my life. i've reached a point of complacency, indifference almost. as if the functioning world of joy and tradgedy and commuting, the world of twiddled bird songs and blooming buds and chocolate brownies has become nothing less than a distant memory. as if i'm not part of it at all.

its been a struggle to maintain my active faith...the one that grows me and touches me, the one that inspires me and gives me hope; i've had an arm-wrestling match with my mentality--daily challenged by the shallow depths of science & the deep surface of the human psyche.

but most of all, i've struggled with my PURPOSE. i swear i had one when i got here. i swear that 16 months ago i was full of fire for this "calling" & full of vigor for this task. my heart has changed--there is no denying that. the sacrifices that i was once willing to make--or at least ignore until i had to face them--aren't on my list to give up anymore.

but amidst it all, i'm comforted. because God speaks in amazing ways--most completely unexpected.

and i remember that there IS balance. and wholeness. and joyful satisfaction within this profession--within the hearts of women in this profession. there IS a future that doesn't force me to make those off-the-list sacrifices. and i'm confident that there WILL BE a time when i'll be more connected to the twidders & buds & brownies.

but in the meantime. in the meantime when i'm still disconnected, i'll remember to:

... not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.
-Galations 6:9, The Message

because God is listening to my heart. He is alive and active, molding and changing me--and the world that passes me by.

and He's been known to answer prayers.

disconnect.

to be honest, i'm in a bad mood.

i'm feeling a bit of disconnect lately. as if satan has unplugged my internal phone line that permits connection with the world around me.

maybe it is guilt. or maybe it is the overwhelmed feeling that seems to plague me each day as the books grow more "read here" tabs & the stacks of notes shoot themselves toward the heavens. perhaps it is that nasty feeling if discontentment that sneaks up on me like the boogy-man...& is probably the same amount of scary.

it's not that i'm not happy. oh, i am. even school these days is finally starting the synthesize. i had my first "real supervisor-free" patient a couple of days ago. i walked into the room & felt like i knew what to do--cardiovascular exam, respiratory, DTR's, cranial nerve evaluation, etc. and the truth is that it felt good. good to know that all the zero's that are after the $$$ attached to my name actually mean something.

and jon & i are happy--at least i am :) (i'd hope he would agree). don't get me wrong, i find myself often frustated with our situation & only seeing him twice each month. but he patiently reminds me that we chose this...and that God will get us through it.

and, for the most part, my life is pretty simple. and pretty happy...i guess.

but there is some inner turmoil lately. and it is stirring, rumbling, waiting to come to the surface. i know it. i can feel it. but i can't quite pinpoint it. like a volcano before it ruptures--a bit of seismic activity that even scientists can't pinpoint when or where the earth above the lava will finally break away.

it will happen--the explosion, i mean. except in the context of my life, i'm not expecting quite the spectacular display of colors & heat that volcanoes generate. but it will happen. and in the meantime, i'll just be waiting.

i get it.

i get it now. i finally understand what they've been talking about for so long. and no matter how great the spoken lesson, it was one i had to experience, to feel, before i really, truly could grasp the ginormity of its importance.

i get it now. it all makes sense. the many years of feeling alienated. the many weekends spent alone. and the many, many struggles that God helped me face alone. i get that He wanted me to grow. to learn to depend on Him.

because He knew i would have to later.

and the things they've been telling us? the things about learning how to be fully & totally comfortable with yourself before you move on to being comfortable with someone else; learning how to love God with ALL your heart & soul & mind & strength--not just the part that isn't loving your spouse or family or friends, but loving Him with ALL that you have; learning how to put aside your own desires for those of Someone better & bigger & wiser than you'll ever be. i get it now.

because life is too big to deal with on my own.

and humanity isn't strong enough to conquer & quell the fears & frustrations & faults that have built up inside of me.

i get it. i need God.

and He needs me to give Him ALL i've got.

the other half of me.

God brings death and God brings life,

brings down to the grave and raises up.

God brings poverty and God brings wealth;

he lowers, he also lifts up.

He puts poor people on their feet again;

he rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope,

Restoring dignity and respect to their lives—

a place in the sun!

For the very structures of earth are God's;

he has laid out his operations on a firm foundation.

He protectively cares for his faithful friends, step by step,

but leaves the wicked to stumble in the dark.

No one makes it in this life by sheer muscle!

God's enemies will be blasted out of the sky,

crashed in a heap and burned.

God will set things right all over the earth,

he'll give strength to his king,

he'll set his anointed on top of the world!

-1 Samuel 2:6-10

i'm feeling today. feeling that i miss him. feeling that this year has gone by so fast--and so slow. feeling that life is short, i am human, and love is deep. i'm feeling today that the future is uncertain; but that is how it is supposed to be. feeling frustrated with myself & a bit discouraged about my situation.

but i'm feeling something else, too.

i'm feeling God working. finally. as if He had stopped for a coffee break. i'm counting my blessings, instead of paying more attention to my have-nots. and i'm ever-so-slowly working on trusting.

so today i'm feeling. so many things. love. life. breath. cold. uncertainty. frustration. admiration. distraction.

and hope.

help.

i need help today. remembering why i am here, 5 hours away from my husband. i need help remembering why i came here in the first place, signing up for who-knows-how-many-years apart. and i need help knowing that we made the right choice in the first place...and really, that everything is going to be okay.

because it is days like these that drag on. that make it seem like decades from now that we might, possibly live together. eons into the future that the globe might align to make us at least next door neighbors...and centuries until we just see each other again.

i know that some people are much worse-off. i know that there are women who haven't seen their husbands in 15 months, or more. and i am lucky. i do know that much.

but it still doesn't help with the feelings. given, it makes it just a little harder to feel sorry for myself. God wacks me upside the head with a humble stick when he floods my brain with those stories of years apart during WWII. and i can't sulk in my own misery.

my humanity wants to know. that the future will work out. that we will be okay--that we'll at least live together sooner than later. and that this crazy decision (that on days like today i am tempted to regret) was the right one.

i guess that is where i have to learn to TRUST.
and that is the part i'm having trouble with.

wasting time.

so i'll admit it: i've wasted the last 1.5 hours (of which i was supposed to be testing & studying) just doing nothing. and i'll also admit that doing nothing, except eating popcorn and surfing the web is perhaps the most glorious thing i've done all week.

i mean, don't get me wrong, cleaning the bathroom and doing my dishes is almost as fun as a trip to the moon, but this popcorn & internet thing could seriously become a habit....and not a good one, at that.

i've been almost obsessed lately with projects. probably for the sole reason that i don't have much time to do anything other than study & sleep (the latter of which i'm lucky to get). i spend all my days with my nose (or face, if i happen to fall asleep) in a book. and then go to the gym to debrief. nothing like lifting weights to the sweet sound of pathologies running through my head. :)

but this fascination i've had lately with creativity probably won't come to any sort of substantial or tangible thing for oh, the next 5 years while i finish up my training. i mean, who knows, maybe the hospital will hire me to scrapbook about their crisp linens (free of blood stains!) and mint-green stairwells. and maybe they'll even offer to pay back all my loans if i scrapbook the stairwells well enough.

wishful thinking.

in the meantime, though, i'll just continue to drool. on my books when i fall asleep in them. and at the days of the women whose lives are filled with creative portals of paper and fabric and scissors and glue.

someday i'll get bitten by the creative bug again. but until then, i'll just keep scratching at that invisible itch.....

unfolding.

it is odd, really. the way life unfolds sometimes. the way we are completely out of control--although more often than not i pretend that i am. because like most, control is a good thing for me. control of my life, my days, my decisions. but then God throws curve balls. maybe just to remind me that He is in control. maybe to make me trust Him more (the thing about my faith i struggle with the most). or maybe to tell me to just let go.

we all have to let go at some point. with that innate fear that when we loosen that white-knuckled grip on whatever it is we are holding, it might not return to us. and the truth is that we all hold onto different things. relationships. money. scheduling. materialism. respect. security. things that, for the most part, are entirely temporary--they won't last beyond this life, much less into the next century. and because they are temporary we've got to move beyond them at some point.

but moving on is hard. and there is a delicate balance that hangs between the stages of hanging on & letting go; a teetering scale that sways to the left with each bit of sacrifice and back to the right with every ounce of selfishness. and if it goes on long enough, the swaying might drive you crazy--crazy enough to just give it all up & take it all back--whatever it was you were letting go.

there is a lot going on here. not in the physical world i live in...but most certainly in my mental candy land. lots of thoughts. lots of "what if's". and lots of questions.

timing for the future will certainly need to be hand crafted by God himself. i don't think the world is civil enough to align the stars & calendars in our favor. and to be frank, i'm a bit (okay, a lot) worried about it. the great sundial, as it looks right now, is one big shadow. and although i know nothing can or will be perfect, i'm just praying that i'll be strong enough to let go & let God.

because this isn't the way i would have planned it. and the way it is planned now is actually the situation i thought God would never dump in our laps--just because it would be too funny of Him to torture us with yet another year (or 3) apart. but alas, He is a funny, funny God.

and so all i can do is trust. which seems like the hardest thing to do right now. but like Houdini, my hands are tied behind my back. and life is getting ready to dunk me in that water tank.

and i've got to trust that God has the key to my straightjacket.

dear jon.

so i'm just sitting here. just finished my lectures for tomorrow. my butt hurts--i've been sitting on it all day.

i'm listening to a great mix of songs online (on someone's blog). { "dream" by priscilla ann } and i was just thinking about you. the song is about a "dream" (go-figure, huh??). and the girl in the song is ready to die...essentially. kind of morbid, i know. but it made me think about how amazingly COOL marriage is.

the fact that we get to be best friends. AND live togther (someday). AND just experience life together.

i think about your parents...and in their almost-30-years of marriage just how much they have been through together. and that is JUST SO COOL.

and i'm excited to experience life with you. God's got great things planned--I know He does.

things that we could not even dare to dream.

and joys we haven't been prepared yet to experience.

but that is just the point...the "experience".

and i'm SO LUCKY to do life with you.

LOVE YOU.

~ me :)

dear bathroom designers...

dear bathroom designers...

i am writing to you to plead my case. and actually, i'm wondering if your logic was somehow misplaced when you designed the bathrooms at my school. you see, THEY LACK VENTILATION. there are many things i enjoy about using the facilities that you so time-consumingly designed: the graffitti-free stalls, the calming minty green color (the minty part of which in no way reflects on the smell of the area), and the coordinating sinks & toilets (was it hard to find those fine white thrones??). but i must say, that YOU WERE OBVIOUSLY ON DRUGS when you finalized the bathroom ventilation system because, oh...there ISN'T ONE.

you know, the truth is that i usually only use public bathrooms in dire, i-might-die-if-i-don't-pee-now-situations. but i do know quite a few--judging by the smell--that feel comfortable to dump last nights (or last weeks, depending on their fiber intake) dinner in your diamond white porcelin thrones. and while the bathrooms sleek & stylish facade look clean, that is exactly what it is....a facade. because judging by the potency of the smell (which is often noticable outside the bathroom door), there are E.coli & salmonella particles floating around and up my nostrils when i just happen to use the potty in urgency.

so please, for the sake of sanity, sanitary-ity, and BASIC PLEASURE...install bathroom FANS in the next set of school bathrooms you design.

thank you--from my nostrils....to my....nostrils.

Yours Truely,

The Nose

guilt.

day 2 of updating about my seemingly-boring life.

daily news.
1. killed 1 giant, hairy, spotted spider today.
2. caught up on the latest epidsode of House, M.D. thanks to Fox's fantastic video strems (honestly, what WOULD i do without the internet??)
3. studied for 6 hours this afternoon. yes, on a friday night. [this is my life].
4. learned that i might want to go into psychiatry.
5. went grocery shopping which is like one of my least favorite things to do on the planet. i should be good until january. i try to only go once a month--task completed successfully (& i even brought my own bags in order to save the dying species of plastic trees).
6. wore a new shirt today.
7. no other news to report at this time.

other than having this horribly annoying tickle in the back of my throat that has made me cough as if i had a hairball...and despite my boring studying....this has actually been quite a pleasant night.

i listened to 2 sermon's from Liquid Church and am now feeling extremely guilty about the way i've been using my resources. honestly? its kind of been torture living here. i mean, don't get me wrong, i couldn't have asked for a better place to go to school: minimal activites, few distractions, freeze-my-butt-off-winters that keep me inside studying, and many other markable things about the town that people seem to have fallen in love with. but me? well....i guess i'm finding that at this point in my life i need something to do. i need a freaking BRAIN BREAK every once in awhile...which usually means getting out in public, people watching, window shopping, starbucks-going, etc. here i don't have that option. and no, i will NOT pay $6 for a 12-oz latte at the coffee shop down the street.

so, to make up for the lack of stimulatory activites there are here, i've found myself spending more time on the internet, more time just wasting time, and less time in my spiritual life, reading a book for fun, or even writing quick how-are-you-notes to friends & family. in other words, i feel like i've become less personable and just a bit more addicted to the temptations this culture feeds me.

did you know that we encounter over 3000 advertisements each day?

and what do they tell us?? that we shouldn't be satisfied...that we NEED MORE STUFF. and i sit here tonight completely guilty as charged. i've felt that temptation this year stronger than ever before. like what i have isn't good enough, trendy enough, or flattering enough. and yes, it mostly has to do with clothes--they have always been my weak spot. but with all my time-wasting-activites, i've developed tastes for other things...like craft projects and home decor (thank you Pottery Barn) and baking and...and....and...and.

the truth is that sometimes i go to bed at night thinking about how life will be so great after med school loans are paid off. because then i can GET ALL THIS STUFF.

insert God's sneaky voice: YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU.

and oh my heck is that the truth. the sermon tonight made that crystal clear. i mean seriously...what am i doing--what have i been doing--to better Christ's kingdom? reading blogs? checking out ebay auctions? give me a break.

so tonight i'm starting a challenge. going to challenge myself to abstain. from buying into the cultural lie that i NEED these things to appear successful, to look better, to whatever. because the truth is that you can't take it with you. and i'm saddened to report that at age 23, thousands of dollars have already flown through my world (don't ask me how i know that or i might have to shoot you). that is a heckuva lot of money.

money that fueled the fire of consumerism. money that i used to buy stuff (well, lots of food...and gas to see jon...and wedding stuff this last summer...and school books...but definitely unneeded stuff too). stuff that i can't take with me should i leave the earth tomorrow. its about darn time i invest myself in something that will last beyond this world.

you know exactly what i'm talking about.

a new trend.

so i've noticed (& personally wondered) why the heck i can't make myself sit down & write every day. i mean, if i'm really honest with myself, i'll admit that i waste far too much time searching for stupid stuff on the internet. or standing in front on my cupboard craving something that i conveniently forgot to get at the grocery store. or counting the squished spiders on my wall. i mean, seriously, you'd think that i would welcome this brain break called writing every day...at least as a way to document the insanity/ stress/ want-to-hibernate-for-the-next-7-months feelings that flow through my gray matter every day.

but the thing is, i feel like i have nothing to write about.

i could bore you with stories of the attack spiders in my bathroom. or the "west virginia culture" i am currently experiencing via trips to walmart (obviously the only place to truly experience this heckuva unique culture). i could even tell you about the 4 boxes of kleenex i've managed to blow through (haha...pun totally intended) this week because of my sinus infection. or enlighten you with lists of the many lists i keep making & losing & making again.

but today...just to suffice this need i have to write, i'll tell you about the oh-so-exciting ongoings of my day.

woke up (good first step). later than expected.
didn't roll by bedhead off the pillow until 8:20. which, if you'd like to know is approximately 4
hours after my husband had to get up today. (if that doesn't make me feel lazy...)

headed to a study session @ 10am. i will never understand why God invented biochemisty. it truly is a waste of my time. i mean, i can kind of see how learning all about this ONE ENZYME might better the world as we know it, given the fact that someday i might possibly run across that one child in 3 million that has a deficiency...but SERIOUSLY!!!! i have other stuff i have to shove in my brain. biochem is NOT WELCOME TO TAKE UP SPACE.

then we had this absolutely ridiculous presentation about a rural rotation we have to do next year. as if we don't already have enough to think about (like biochem, for example). they jabbered on for an hour about the west virginia culture and rural areas and just how great they were because they didn't have things like malls and fast food and "All that corruption". okay. i made up the part about corruption. but they told us things we already knew. and didn't tell us things that i considered important. which left me thoroughly confused. and looking like a nasally-voiced idiot trying to talk to my site coordinator afterwards. i asked her if i had to live in a cabin in the mountains.

i think i offended the west virginia culture in her. oops.

good thing i'm not planning on living here longer than i have to.

(and God, please don't change those plans just to be funny & show me that you are in control).

bad day.

i don't have many days like this. not many at all. but today, this week, right now, I'd like to crawl into hibernation & not emerge until the end of June. my world has been knocked off its axis. my mind won't stop racing with all i have to do and the lack of time i have to do it in. and, in short, i'm stressed out beyond belief.

school sucks. for anyone who is thinking of going into med school...DON'T. at least don't consider it this week. there is just not enough time in the 24 hour day. my days are packed. not packed in the commuter sense--i'm not spending 2 hours in the car each day or running place-to-place in order to get things done. no, my days are spent sitting. trying to absorb as much as i possibly can from the material that surrounds me and hangs over my head like an annoying ghost that i can't quite seem to scare off. i sleep. i wake up. i sit. i go to class...and sit. i study...and sit. and then i sleep. and if i try to deviate from that oh-so-active schedule of sitting, my entire week gets thrown off-kilter and i begin to question why i started all this sitting in the first place.

i'm tired. SO SO so tired. and i can't fit in one more activity, one more book to read or assignment to complete. i can't fit in time at the gym. and i often can't even find time to make a decent meal...so i usually end up eating cereal or apples or soup that i froze when my life wasn't so insane.

the most important test of my life to-date is 7 months away. i'm avoiding thinking about it. i'm unmotivated to study for it. i want a normal life. i want to be able to enjoy my days...to get up in the morning in the same house as my husband. i want to be able to sit down to dinner at night and look back on my day without building frustrations. and gosh darnit i want to do something other that sit.

you might say that this week, at this moment, i'm regretting being here. i'm regretting this insane choice to come here. i'm regretting the fact that this whole 'medicine' thing isn't what i thought it would be--at least not right now. and i'm angry about the concept that "my reward" (whatever that means) won't come for 20 years.

in short, i just want to be normal--a normal person with a normal life...that has nothing to do with school and studying and sitting.

which is exactly why i'm planning on hibernating for the rest of the winter.

life.

What every man needs, regardless of his job

of the kind of work he is doing,

is a vision of what his place is and may be.

He needs an objective and a purpose.

He needs a feeling and a belief

that he has some worthwhile thing to do.

What this is no one can tell him.

It must be his own creation.

~Joseph M. Dodge

i've discovered in the past two days that the combination of Grey's Anatomy and my strict study schedule is somewhat toxic to my learning environment. almost as toxic as that girls blood that caused half the surgical staff to fill up the gurney's lining the hallways of Seattle Grace hospital in Season 3. except that i don't exactly consider Grey's Anatomy a neurotoxin. well, not right now at least.

but i realized something. something kind of....big. something about the profession that i am apparently going into. (although these days i am not so sure about my choice). it isn't like i haven't realized this before, but today it was just more real. more here. and kind of overwhelming.

not the overwhelming that McDreamy feels when he does cranial labotomies or separates 35-year-old conjoined twins. but overwhelming, nonetheless.

i realized that medicine, for all its advances and technology and flash and sterility and apparent 'glamour' really hasn't advanced at all. in its truest form, medicine is about caring. it is about touching peoples lives--giving them hope when all seems hopeless and inspiring purpose when their life's purpose has been interrupted by disease or dysfunction.

but all that mushy stuff--the emotional part--gets lost. and these days, it gets lost way too easily. lost in textbooks. in algorithms. lost in the shiny machines and $250 stethoscopes and sterile surgical rooms. it gets lost in the growing stacks of insurance claims and the shrinking bank accounts of overworked, overwhelmed doctors. and all of the sudden the hope and purpose that we are supposed to inspire has been eaten up; consumed by the pressures of just staying afloat. in a world where death and dying are part of everyday life. in a world where hand washing and sterile technique sometimes seem to be more important than hand holding and bedside manner. and we are left tired. exhausted. burnt out. and sometimes, even broken.

some people say that it is all relative. that it depends on who you talk to...or where you look. and apparently right now, today, i'm not talking to the right people or looking in the right places. because i am tired. exhausted. burnt out. and yes, even feeling just a little bit broken.

this dream i had; this 'thing' i've wanted for all 21.5 years i could talk? the one i'm supposed to be working toward? it isn't exactly what i'd thought it would be. and where i once thought that i could conquer the "world of medicine", change lives, give hope, and inspire purpose...well, i'm not so sure anymore.

but this is what i am sure of: i am going to find something, anything, to hold on to. i am going to find even just one thing about this profession, this insane journey, this ridiculously difficult choice, that makes me want to hold on. and hold on tight. and make it all worthwhile.

because there is a lot (a LOT) at stake. and because even though i feel like i've gotten somewhere. i've really only just begun. and i've got a long way to go.

random. (i guess).

wow. its been so long since i've posted that i almost forgot my password. but fear not, i remembered.

lots of changes since last May. marriage. school. home. so much more. and even today, i'm still processing. processing the fact that each day is new. that tomorrow life won't be like it was yesterday. and that the next tomorrow will be different as well.

and i'm still learning. not feeling like i'm learning enough at the moment--but when did "enough" ever really become enough?? and if it did, i guess i missed that memo. my retention of information is almost obsolete. like i read something and it goes in my eyes and out my ears. anatomically, i know that is virtually impossible. but hey, there are anatomic abnormalities everywhere...maybe i've got one where there's straight communication between my ears and my eyes. isn't that handy.

you know what else is almost obsolete these days? my consumption of chai. [gasp!]. i know. i'm trying to cut back after my loving husband pointed out that there were like 23g of fat in each serving. thank you, for that small tidbit about my favorite beverage in the entire world.

other than the tunnel running between my retina and my tympanic membrane....and my "chai-diet", the world is pretty good.

well, except for the fact that estrogen made me cut my bangs 3 weeks ago, which are conveniently at just the length to stab me in the eyeballs all day. but that is another story.

treasure.

We walk a fine line by living in the moment. Elders tell us to enjoy the journey. Friends encourage us to stop and smell the roses. Historians tell us to learn from the past—technologists say we should find hope in the future. But it is here, now, that often gives me the most trouble.

Just outside my door I found a small spider in the midst of a giant web. She must have spent all night—invested more energy than she could afford in building a home for herself. And now, she is resting. Living in the moment. Soaking in the glory of the silky mansion she has just built for herself.

We build mansions for ourselves, too. My closet, for one—full of more clothes than I could ever wear. And yet, this morning I showed up to class in sweatpants. It is my mansion. As if I am somehow judged by how spotless and wrinkle-free I present myself; as if it makes part of who I am. My bookshelf, another prime example. The textbooks sit there. Unopened. Unused. Un-learned-from. And yet, I continue to build my collection. With the hopes that someday osmosis might set in and my brain might suddenly be filled with pleasant banks of knowledge. And there are other people who literally DO building mansions for themselves. And there they sit. Behind streak-free windows. Atop hills and at oceansides. Basking in the glory of themselves, soaking in the accomplishment of what they have built.

Each mansion, whatever it may be, is an investment. Clothing. Books. Houses. Even worry, homework, cooking. And somehow, each in their own unique way pumps up our egos, gives us hope for the future. A future we are uncertain we’ll even have.

So today I am looking beyond the future. Beyond tomorrow. Beyond next week and next month. Focusing on eternity. Where God has built a mansion for us. A place where simply being in His presence is more satisfying than clothes and books and earthly houses. A place where homework doesn’t bring guilt, where board scores don’t matter, and where egos are broken by humility.

I’m placing my hope in that future. The only future I can be certain of. Because I can’t know what tomorrow will bring. In fact, no one can.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth & rust destroy, and where thieves break in & steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heave, where moth & rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in & steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” –Matthew 6:19-21

what i'm missing.

it wasn't until today, this morning actually, that it really hit me: i am missing something.

yes, some might tell me i'm missing sanity (believe-you-me, i would believe them). yes, i'm often missing sleep or food or something otherwise considered important.

but there is something else, too.

i've walked to school the past week. each morning i leave 30 minutes early and take a mile strole down the narrow streets, arriving at school glistening, refreshed, and quite satisfied with myself that i am saving gas and getting exercise.

but oddly enough it wasn't until today when i was driving back from school that i noticed the green leaves on the trees. not just scant leaves, not even budding leaves; full leaves. and then i noticed the flowers--fully blooming. and the birds sitting in their well-built nests, chirping away at the morning sunshine. the dandelions growing all the way down the walkway to my front door, and the growing cobwebs covering my porch awning leftover from the winter induced insect-gravitation toward the warmth of my cottage.

and, sadly, i realized just what i'm missing. not only being here in school, often stuck inside with my nose in a book, but what i'm just not taking the time to notice. for the past week i've walked the same path with the same trees and flowers and birds. not once had i taken the time to look up and see the leaves, look down and see the flowers, or take a break from the physiology lectures streaming through my headphones to hear the birds.

i can't blame it all on school. or scheduling. or studying. i do feel like i'm missing out on a big part of life--of changing seasons and being outdoors and friends and socializing. studying takes up most of my time. i can't blame it all on lack of motivation--my days just aren't long enough to fit everything in (& school takes first priority right now...aside from jon, of course).

i can only blame myself. for not being aware of God's blessings. for not taking the time to notice that, once again, He fulfilled His promise: spring has come again with new creation, full of life breathed by His lungs.

and i can't help but wonder what other new creations i'm missing. new attitudes. new perspectives. new relationships. or perhaps the most important of all: myself as a new Creation, constantly recreated by the amazing power of redemption.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! -2 Cor. 5:17

one.

I'm in the middle of reading Job. It is a great book--really puts a lot in perspective. In the chapter I read last night (26, maybe?), Job said that if he could find God, he'd march right up to Him and ask him WHY. WHY He is treating his child this way, WHY Job has to endure so much.

But, as Job says, He can't march up to Him and demand answers. He can pray, to a God we can't see, and trust that his words land on caring ears (can I get a Hebrews 11:1??). Because God knows what He is doing. No rhyme or reason. We just can't understand. Mainly because we can't see the other side. Our tendency...MY tendency is to reject what I don't like. Because it hurts. Because it isn't easy. Because I can't find reason behind it or purpose in it.

But we make it through.

I can't understand this lesson. I can't wrap my mind around this trial--right here, in my own life. I can't fathom this separation.

But this morning, I woke up. And right now in this moment I am breathing. Which is one VERY strong indication that my job on this Earth isn't finished yet--that God is still teaching me, loving me, growing me.

However painful or frustrating, hopeless or purposeless it might seem today, when God wakes me up again tomorrow, I can look back. Look back on today and say I made it. Each day is one day closer to the other side. Of this trial. Of this life.

And that is key. Each day--one day, one breath, one moment at a time.

today.

today my feelings of sadness overwhelmed me. sadness for this country--for the direction mankind is headed in. sadness for the hearts of the millions of people who are constantly searching and seeking...and constantly coming up empty. for the brokeness of sexuality--the lack of self-restraint. for the ideals that have been washed away, stomped on, ignored. for the parents are more interested in the new episode of their favorite TV show than the new episode in the lives of their children. for those who can't speak for themselves, their losses apparently less important than the forests and fishes. and for the infected, diseased, and sick--their voices drowned out by the narcotic-addicts and demanding quick-fixes that dishearten this nation's doctors.

sadness for the lives of the millions of people who will be lost tomorrow...today...in the next hour, minute...because we--the "lucky" ones--are too self-absorbed to look outside our clean glass windows and beyond the rooftops of our comfortable surburbia. today my feelings of sadness overwhelmed me. because i know why i am here...on Earth. i have purpose and fulfillment. something beyond material expectations, beyond the piety of wealth and earthen treasures. somewhere beyond this world...

and yet, there are so many others who don't know why they live. why they wake up each morning. who don't know who gave them life and breath. and who don't care, really.

i guess it is all about priorities.

and i am sad because i think America has theirs all screwed up.

the great freeze.

i love the movie Ice Age. i love kids movies in general, though. probably because my life is so often refreshed by kids--and their sense of humor. but Ice Age has to be a favorite. and although i really don't like being cold, thinking of the real ice age is kind of cool.

some say history repeats itself. weirdly enough, i found that to be true. :)

frozen. me. the ground. my car.

i wish i could freeze time, too.

there are just those days....

that i want to hibernate. hide from life. hide from everything and nothing at all. hide from the rigors of daily life, of people, of expectations--your own and those of others.

there are just those days that i want to scream and cry and sleep. and not wake up until things are over, settled, calm. that i want to quit. and not have to start again. that i want to finish. and not have to do all the work. there are just those days when life doesn't seem quite fair. when no one else on this earth can entirely relate to emotions and feelings and, even tears.

there are just those days when hard work seems to disappear within red marks on tests. when hours of rest disintigrate. and when the prospects of the future aren't quite as hopeful as they were last week.

there are just those days when hugs are needed. when tissue doesn't quite suffice as the shirt sleeve of a best friend. and when security in the arms of someone you love is hundreds of miles away.

today is one of those days.

BENEFIT of the DOUBT

i swear i've heard the saying a thousand times. maybe a million. but i've never actually thought about what it meant. until yesterday. until yesterday when i traveled for 14 hours. until yesterday when i almost missed one flight. until yesterday when i got lost somewhere in virginia for 40 minutes on a foreign highway with no exits to turn around. until yesterday when i got pulled over and got a $146 speeding ticket. until yesterday when i finally made it to my cottage. until yesterday, when i realized that in each circumstance i had a choice: to notice the fact that God gave me the benefit each time, despite my doubting His hand in each event.

i was supposed to get back to WV on friday. but a big storm dumped on Salt Lake City and cancelled my flight. benefit because i was secretly praying that i could have just one more day at home. thanks, God.

both my mom and i slept in and actually woke up at the time we were supposed to be at the airport. i proceeded to take a shower. and we left oh, 30 minutes later than we had initially planned. but it was perfect. neither of us freaked out. we were calm. composed. and smart--mainly because we used the kiosk to check-in and bypassed about 20 people waiting in line. definitely a benefit in starting my day.

i slept on my first two flights. with a complimentary dose of drool for the friendly passengers sitting next to me. haha. i look ridiculous when i sleep on planes--and apparently i drool as well.

my flight was a hour late getting in to Ohio. which gave me a whole 20 minutes to get on a shuttle to an entirely different terminal, walk 20 gates into the terminal, and find my flight. which i did. and i made it.

the nice people from the car dealership picked me up in my sparkly clean car that they washed and vacummed for me. i had to take "T" (who looks like a bouncer...oh wait...he is a bouncer for some big club in his spare time) back to the dealership. bad news, though, because he told me to go the wrong direction. so i drove. for 40 minutes. until i found my way back to the airport. then had to get gas. then had to go to the bathroom because by that time i had drank half of the latte i got at starbucks. but i finally got myself on the right road. upon which i apparently wasn't watching my speedometer. because i was going 73 in a 55 mph zone. oops. got pulled over. first speeding ticket ever. crap. $146 worth of a speeding ticket. i can't go to the court date because i have school. and i am a bit bitter about it.

but i was thinking last night as i was laying in my bed in my cottage in rural WV. the cop said he gave me the "benefit of the doubt". and at that statement, i had two choices. to look at the fact that i did, actually, receive a benefit because i did NOT get a ticket for 'reckless driving' like he threatened me with. or i could doubt that God's hand was in it at all--because i ended up getting lost and getting a ticket.

i guess i choose benefit. because God is at work. and maybe that cop--and that $146 ticket--saved me from hitting a deer on the road. or getting in an accident because i did not go one mph over the speed limit from that point on (& i doubt i will for the next few months, either). and God is at work because i got home and found a generous check from my Uncle & Aunt that covers the cost of the ticket. and God is at work because He made me laugh about it last night. laugh at myself. for being so careless. and with all that, there really isn't much room for doubt.

un-expectations.

so this morning i was thinking of winnie the pooh. and how (a) he was, when it comes down to it, quite a silly old bear and how he (b) he spontaneously made up words. perhaps like un-expectations. so today, this word is dedicated to good ol' winnie the pooh.

the word, taken by itself, probably could be misunderstood. like unkempt. or unconditional. or unruly. i could have called it mis-expectations. like mistake. or miserable. but alas, i did not. and un-expectations is what we are left with.

it is kind of like things completely unexpected...but future tense.

speaking of un-expectations, God has sure handed me a fair share lately. surprises. blessings. stress. stress. (did i mention stress?). and reminders of the incredible blessings of relationships (one in particular, actually).

surprises. did i mention how much i love phone calls? jon called me TWO DAYS IN A ROW :) which made me smile. a lot. and made me miss him. again. a lot. and i made sugar cookies yesterday afternoon. the surprise part of my baking experience was that they tasted like cornbread. don't quite know how that happened because i don't remember adding anything that actually had corn in it. but nonetheless, it was quite a shock to my tastebuds when i went to take a bit of sugar cookie and instead got a mouthful of cornbread-tasting goodness. AND i get to go home on saturday. which is 5 days away, in case you were wondering. and although my trip home isn't exactly a surprise (being that i know it is coming), i am thinking that God probably has a few surprises up His sleeves :)

blessings. wow. too many to count. i am reminded during this season each year. how lucky i am. how blessed i am. how much i don't deserve anything that i have. i've been listening to financial podcasts a lot. and have been constantly reminded that everything--every thing--belongs to God. and He is generous enough to let me use some of it, just for a little while. my education. my finances. my exercise schedule. my knowledge. my breath, even. and since it is His--all of it--He can take it away at any time. privledges. hopes. stuff. but the coolest thing is that, more times than not, He doesn't. He loves us enough to bless us. beyond our wildest imagination.

stress. school has officially taken over my life. and my brain. yesterday was the first time in a long time that i actually wondered what it would feel like if i hit my head against the wall. but God is giving me perspective--again. He probably gets tired of giving it to me so often. really tired of it. but these exams are just one set. in my entire life. just two days. of my entire life. i can't even remember most of my exams from undergrad. and again, i probably won't even remember this set in a few months either. i am just praying (really hard!) that God infuses my brain with knowledge and opens it up to a sponge-like state so it can absorb anything and everything that my eyes run across.

relationships. i've been smiling quite a bit the last couple days. probably cuz jon called. and probably cuz i got to talk to him for more than 5 minutes. yup. talk. like i would say something and he would respond. it is an amazing thing, actually. apparently that is what people use telephones for--hmm...who knew?? but other than being able to talk to him, our 'contact' was an incredible reminder of how much he means to me :) God has blessed me more than i ever dreamed. and for that i am eternally grateful. and as our paths continue to be paved by the Almighty paver-dude, my biggest prayer is for prepared hearts. for God's will. for God's plans--not ours. for God's hand in our lives and in our relationship.

so yeah. there are lots of un-expectations. surprises. love. grades. that boy. snow, maybe? not to mention a handful of blessings.

here's a shout out....

...to dr. a.t. still.

he was a genius.

yesterday in OPP we were working on myofacial release (where you move the 'layer' of tissue over muscles/nerves/arteries that is slightly dysfunctional & can cause lots of problems) and counterstrain (putting muscles in their relaxed positions to 'reset' them).

and guess what!??!

my TMJ is gone today.

it is amazing. for the first time in like 6 months (or more), no teeth clenching, no headaches, nothing :)

gosh i like that dr. still. he deserves a shout out today :)

so very {un}predictable

it is days like this--days where i shock myself with surprise emotion, days where i am overcome with "what if's" and "how comes"--that i am reminded how very {un}predictable life is. it is days like this that i am reminded how God controls this world. at His leisure. with us at the mercy of His pleasing. and it is days like this that i wish that i would have popped out of the womb with an instruction booklet and "how to do life" manual clutched in each hand.

But alas, i did not (probably to the relief of my mother).

i found myself crying today over tributes to friends lost to drunk drivers. over songs. over words, even. i could chalk it all up to stress, but i know there is something else there--something undefinable and un...grasp-able.

and so i found myself thinking. about how life throws so many curve balls. about my all-too-often selfish focus. about the man that Jesus was--and how incredible it would have been to know him. and i found myself thinking about just how fortunate i am. to have parents that love me. to have support and encouragement. to have my mom as my bestest girlfriend. and jon as my bestest boyfriend. to have my sisters as a spunky and refreshing support system. to havve lou as an incredible example of what a Godly man looks like. to have alec's energy & innocence. and a car to drive. and health. and a cozy bed to sleep in. and this crazy education. i was even thinking how fortunate i am to have lived past age 6--and each day after that. most of the worlds children die before they ever get to write their age as double digits, you know.

and so today i'm looking at life as a big box of surprises. and yeah, it'd be nice to have that "how to do life" manual. and i'd sure like instructions on some things--especially in light of what i'm learning at school these days.

but i guess that is part of the beauty of life. all the "what ifs" and "how comes". the emotions that surprise me...and make me thankful. because really, when it comes down to it, that is part of the beauty of knowing Christ--knowing that all really is so very {un}predictable...and knowing the One that makes it so.

reflection.

it isn't too often that i just lay in bed and think. but, whether it be my distracted psyche or misplaced mindset, i lately have found myself cozied up in between my sheets more often than ever before.

i can't quite pinpoint what it is, either. i know i am distracted. school seems to be a huge wet blanket that i can't quite get out from underneath. sometimes i feel like lewisburg is a cage--and that there is no escape from here. i don't know, really. i've just been uninspired lately. to read. to study. to socialize. to grow and learn and challenge myself.

it is a little disheartening, to be honest. i am not exactly sure what i was expecting when i signed up for all of this.....but it isn't panning out the way i thought it would. God has gotten ahold of my priorities and entirely realigned them, often making me question how things will work out in the end. i don't dare doubt my being here--God moved me across the country himself practically--but i do have a severe tendency to worry about the future.

perhpas--and i am hoping--that this is just a rutt. that christmas will be a nice recalibration. and i'll be back to my old self again in no time.

God is working now. i can't feel it at the moment, but i know He is. i just have to be patient enough to see the results.

who me?

so i was looking at old posts today. some of that writing stuff was pretty good! and i think to myself...there is no way i could have written that. so i just decided (about 30 seconds ago), that medical school has zapped my brain of all writing abilities. too bad, too. cuz i really enjoyed it.

perhaps i'll do something crazy this summer. like write a book.

any ideas on the subject? i'm wide open :)

sleep.

you know, i will admit that i am one lucky enough to not have much trouble sleeping. sure, i've had my fair share of nights where neither sheep nor happy thoughts lull me towards dreamland, but those nights are typically few and far between.

but lately that has been every night. i haven't slept well for a couple weeks now. and quite frankly, it is a little annoying, you know? i get all cozy in my bed--complete with 2 sweatshirts, flannel pants, my fleece sleeping hat, and warm socks--and then i lay there. for HOURS. i last saw the clock last night around 2:30. and i get up at 6:30. no big deal...i don't need much sleep. but honestly! i have to learn during the day...and apparently brains don't function well on 4 hours of sleep.

in fact, two people told me i looked like i was high today. perhaps the bloodshot eyes, dark racoonish circles, and general unkempt look gave me away. or perhaps i just haven't slept for days.

in all actuality, i think this is all God's idea. i know jon isn't sleeping much these days. and i think it is God's funny sense of humor that wants to connect us in our vastly different environments. so i just lay there. thinking about how jon probably isn't sleeping. and occassionally counting sheep. or spots on the ceiling. and (this is where it really gets fun) sometimes, when i am especially bored, i try to name all the muscles in the body.

fun, yeah?

heart.

it has been awhile. wayyy too long, actually since i last posted. and to be totally honest, i lost my username and password for awhile--THAT is how long is has been. but i am still here, still alive, still workin' away at life as it is thrown my way each day.

God has really been doing some cool things in my heart lately. you know that song by shawn groves?? the one about your heart being a 'house' that God comes in and remodels, throwing away all the junk and replacing it with unexpected things that you treasure much much more?

Welcome to this heart of mine
I've buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded
{Chorus}
Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I'm overwhelmed, I understand
I can't make this place all that You can

Lately I've been convicted of my Earthly tendencies. For things. For success. For respect from my colleagues and peers. For wealth. For temporary-ness. Maybe it is because I feel so isolated here. And I waste time on the internet, falling hook, line, and sinker for the cons of the do-their-job-well advertising companies that falsely tempt me into believing that i can't be whole or complete or happy until i have their product, and then another, and then another.

i recently listened to a sermon by Pastor Tim Lucas of Liquid Church, somewhere in NJ. The sermon series was titled "Money, Debt, & the Bible." In short, it was awesome. He talked about how we got to where we are today. That the average home in the 1950s, when people reported that they were generally most happy, was the size of today's 3-car garage. That we have moved from a society of purely "I need" (think pilgrims and food) to "I want" (look in the mirror). That we have largely fallen prey to a culture of vultures...to a culture where values and morals have been replaced by secular virtues and materialism.

i really don't want to be part of it. sometimes i seriously feel like moving to Africa. inspired by the story of Jim Eliot, i want my life to stand for something beyond myself, something out of this world.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

(Matthew 6: 19-21)

i guess i have to ask myself: is my heart in the right place? am i here, in school, for the right reasons? am i continually striving to look past myself, my selfish desires, and into the heart of God. and each day, when i close my eyes, can i hear God whisper in my ear, "Well done, my faithful servant."

i think i have some work to do.

life. leaves.

fall is here. 20 degree nights are here. and foggy mornings, too.

but autumn means winter which means home which means spring is coming which means jon will be closer which means anatomy will be over which means all of these things make jlyn happy.

i haven't been good about posting. but life (i.e., studying) always seems to get in the way. except today. because today i caught a case of the homework-blues. yes, again. too often these days. feeling like i need a break, a breather. i am beginning to feel trapped here. like i can't leave without guilt. like i don't really have a reason to leave, even if just for the day.

school is not excessively overwhelming all the time. at times, yes, it is more overwhelming than i ever expected it to be. but, then again, i didn't really have many expectations. and school, right now, is my life. i have to keep remembering that. i am blessed to be here alone--without the distractions of people i care about. and other than my cell phone & the internet, i am pretty much cut off from the rest of the world. no TV. no radio. no inlet to the craziness that this world is becoming.

and speaking of craziness...God has definitely reminded me this past week that i am not in control. of anything, really. i like to think that i am. i like to think that i can fill in my calendar and things will go as planned; that i can dream and my thoughts will magically gain physicality to become reality. but they don't...and they can't.

i can't control life. i don't own people. i can't plan. i don't know much about anything in comparison to God. and it is humbling. to know that i am not in control. to know that someone, someone much bigger and better and bolder than me is. someone who cares about me, who wants to give me what my heart desires; someone who loves me and who lived--and died--for me.

it is liberating--and at the same time completely scary--that there is a God who knows everything about me. now. yesterday. tomorrow.

will hunting.

no. not the movie. not like good will hunting. just will hunting. you know, searching, seeking, wanting, needing, and hopefully finding God's will.

it has been hard lately. to confess. to take time away from my daily chug to seek and to search. its been hard because i find myself putting in half the effort...making excuses...and tricking my heart into believing that i am really listening to what God is trying to tell me. when, in fact, i am not.

i think it is one of my temptations--to alter my state of thinking to the point where i can't decipher between the voice of the One who is speaking and the things that are all-to-often leading. its a mean trick satan plays--speaking in your ear while God is working on your heart. because guess what? i learned in anatomy that they are connected. and needless to say, no matter how hard you try to listen to God from your heart, satan always seems to sneak his way into conscious thought--constantly trying to alter God's message.

but the coolest thing, as i found out tonight, is that satan--being a bit inept--isn't BIG enough, GREAT enough, GLORIOUS enough to speak in other ways. he finds his comfy place--for me it is in my ear (for you, it might be in your eyes--him tempting you with what you physically see)--and sticks to it. doesn't change. doesn't move. but God can move. and God can change. and God can speak in many many different ways. sometimes He uses other people. sometimes He uses billboards or commercials or books or nail files (personal experience) or words. and (dare say) sometimes He even uses His word. and that is just what he did tonight.

as if my previous post wasn't indicative enough, i have been struggling a bit lately with my future. my 'type-A' tendencies tends to get ahold of me sometimes. i make lists. i fill out calendars. i brainstorm about time and dates and opportunities. i try to plan my life out. and then i stick to the plan i haphazardly throw together. it is disastrous sometimes. so i have been trying lately to just let go and let God. let God take control...of my lists (although i will still admit to making them), my calendars, my dreams and plans and dates and timeline. and He has--as much as i have let Him.

the purpose of my doing all this has been, primarily, in a fervent attempt to better follow His will for my life. all the while thinking that His will is something to be followed. i do best thinking about God sitting down at the beginning of time, pulling out a file with my name on it, and filling out the calendar for my life (similar to what i do when i haphazardly fill out my own...except God's calendar wouldn't be haphazard). in other words, i've always strived to seek God's will for me thinking that it was something to be sought-after, something He has to offer me, something He wants me to follow.

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. --Romans 12:1-2

that line that i bolded and redded and italicized? that line is equivalent to this one in the NIV:

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—

his good, pleasing and perfect will. --Romans 12:2(b)

so....the point of all this is that tonight God spoke to me. to my heart. and i couldn't hear anything thing satan was screaming in my ears. in fact, i still can't hear satan. it was like a lightbulb went on tonight. and it is SO cool.

God's will for my life isn't something to be sought or followed. it isn't something that He is just waiting to give to me. it is quite the opposite, in fact. God's will for my life is something He wants from me. something i have to offer him. i, little lousy me, have something to offer the Creator of the universe! and it is only through prayer, through searching and seeking and stopping my daily chug to actually find, that God will speak to my heart and reveal what it is He wants from me. i just have to be willing to give it to Him. and that, my friends, is the next hardest part.

what is He telling you to offer?

and.

balance isn't "either/or". balance is "and". --unknown

i was just wasting time on the internet. nothing new for me. except today has been an extreme case of the i-don't-want-to-do-my-homework-blues. sometimes it hits really hard. and i get, well, blue.

i've really been struggling lately with the idea of balance. not so much for now. i feel balanced now. i go to school, do the homework i should (minus the days when i have the homework-blues), sometimes call myself social, and i try my best to prioritize the relationships that matter to me most. so no, not so much balance for now. but balance for the future.

the prospect of being balanced seems, at times, so daunting. now is one of those times. thinking about time management, money management, life management...it all is a bit too overwhelming a bit too often.

and yet it is exciting.

i am trying to get a group started at school. it will be a resource group for women in medicine. i will try to bring in guest speakers to talk about un-said issues that i know almost every woman who has committed herself to medicine has struggled with. children. family. marriage. finances. time. day-care. balance. so far, i've gotten an amazing response. there was even a class-wide email sent out that encouraged all the men to attend...i am excited to see what becomes of it.

most of the time, i am up for challenges. especially when i feel like God is pushing me along...wanting me to try to ride my bike without my 'training wheel' buffer in case i find myself off-balance. and i think there is one challenge in particular that he is slowly unscrewing the training wheels for. it is a big one....a life-changing one for sure. a challenge that will require incredible dedication, extreme prayers, and ultimate understanding. as time goes on, i am getting more comfortable with the idea. and getting more confident that God will provide the wisdom & patience necessary to find balance in the midst of it all.

time...

.... is flying by. totally flying. i can't believe i have been here for 5 weeks. while time has the illusion of being sluggishly slow @ times, hindsight tells me otherwise.

and it has been quite a journey already. my excitement about being here has worn off slightly. school has taken its toll. i don't leap out of bed in the morning when my alarm goes off @ 5:55 a.m. like i did just 2 weeks ago. i show up to class with sleep lines on my face. my daily dose of chai is barely keeping me awake. the anatomy lab has lost its allure. the amount of material i have to learn is slowly piling up like the trash in shel silverstein's 'sarah synthia sylvia stout would not take the garbage out'.

and, in short, i am overwhelmed.

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made.

But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

(Phil. 3:12-14, The Message)

lately i've been distracted. by the temptation to lose sight of my goal...to get caught up in my dislike of the biochemical mechanisms, molecular pathways, and immunological systems...to take my eyes off the prize at the end. i do, after all, only have 2 years of this intense book-learning stuff. by the temptation to doubt the presence of God here, in my life, in my here-and-now. it is easy to stick my nose in a book...or on the internet...or on my pillow, for that matter, and forget that it truly is a miracle that i am here. deep down i've always wanted this to happen...but never ever imagined it actually would. i've been distracted by the potential for the future....by my own tendency to become preoccupied with subjects that are better left to curiosity--and to God. i tend to dwell on those things; they consume me...my thoughts, my mind...my habit of 'planning'.

and amidst my studying and searching and planning, i have been reminded in the last week that everything in life happens at just the right time, as long as it is GOD'S TIME and not my own.

so that is my prayer.
to hear God speak because He has definitely gotten my attention with His silence lately.
to keep my eyes set ahead because my tendency toward distraction is driving me off course. to trust that God will iron out all the wrinkles and worries i have for my future because i have to remember that He only wants the best for my life.
to remember that this life is not about me. God gave me the job to love people. to love and respect and share His joy with people. that is all. and as long as i do that with all my heart, God will smile.

and just as Rick Warren said, "The smile of God is the goal of your life."

good goal Rick, good goal.