and.

balance isn't "either/or". balance is "and". --unknown

i was just wasting time on the internet. nothing new for me. except today has been an extreme case of the i-don't-want-to-do-my-homework-blues. sometimes it hits really hard. and i get, well, blue.

i've really been struggling lately with the idea of balance. not so much for now. i feel balanced now. i go to school, do the homework i should (minus the days when i have the homework-blues), sometimes call myself social, and i try my best to prioritize the relationships that matter to me most. so no, not so much balance for now. but balance for the future.

the prospect of being balanced seems, at times, so daunting. now is one of those times. thinking about time management, money management, life management...it all is a bit too overwhelming a bit too often.

and yet it is exciting.

i am trying to get a group started at school. it will be a resource group for women in medicine. i will try to bring in guest speakers to talk about un-said issues that i know almost every woman who has committed herself to medicine has struggled with. children. family. marriage. finances. time. day-care. balance. so far, i've gotten an amazing response. there was even a class-wide email sent out that encouraged all the men to attend...i am excited to see what becomes of it.

most of the time, i am up for challenges. especially when i feel like God is pushing me along...wanting me to try to ride my bike without my 'training wheel' buffer in case i find myself off-balance. and i think there is one challenge in particular that he is slowly unscrewing the training wheels for. it is a big one....a life-changing one for sure. a challenge that will require incredible dedication, extreme prayers, and ultimate understanding. as time goes on, i am getting more comfortable with the idea. and getting more confident that God will provide the wisdom & patience necessary to find balance in the midst of it all.

time...

.... is flying by. totally flying. i can't believe i have been here for 5 weeks. while time has the illusion of being sluggishly slow @ times, hindsight tells me otherwise.

and it has been quite a journey already. my excitement about being here has worn off slightly. school has taken its toll. i don't leap out of bed in the morning when my alarm goes off @ 5:55 a.m. like i did just 2 weeks ago. i show up to class with sleep lines on my face. my daily dose of chai is barely keeping me awake. the anatomy lab has lost its allure. the amount of material i have to learn is slowly piling up like the trash in shel silverstein's 'sarah synthia sylvia stout would not take the garbage out'.

and, in short, i am overwhelmed.

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made.

But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

(Phil. 3:12-14, The Message)

lately i've been distracted. by the temptation to lose sight of my goal...to get caught up in my dislike of the biochemical mechanisms, molecular pathways, and immunological systems...to take my eyes off the prize at the end. i do, after all, only have 2 years of this intense book-learning stuff. by the temptation to doubt the presence of God here, in my life, in my here-and-now. it is easy to stick my nose in a book...or on the internet...or on my pillow, for that matter, and forget that it truly is a miracle that i am here. deep down i've always wanted this to happen...but never ever imagined it actually would. i've been distracted by the potential for the future....by my own tendency to become preoccupied with subjects that are better left to curiosity--and to God. i tend to dwell on those things; they consume me...my thoughts, my mind...my habit of 'planning'.

and amidst my studying and searching and planning, i have been reminded in the last week that everything in life happens at just the right time, as long as it is GOD'S TIME and not my own.

so that is my prayer.
to hear God speak because He has definitely gotten my attention with His silence lately.
to keep my eyes set ahead because my tendency toward distraction is driving me off course. to trust that God will iron out all the wrinkles and worries i have for my future because i have to remember that He only wants the best for my life.
to remember that this life is not about me. God gave me the job to love people. to love and respect and share His joy with people. that is all. and as long as i do that with all my heart, God will smile.

and just as Rick Warren said, "The smile of God is the goal of your life."

good goal Rick, good goal.

breath.

take one for me, will you? a breath, i mean. i feel like i haven't had enough lately. or too many--not quite sure which one.

we had our first big exam this morning. thirty questions. i studied for SO long. i finally had to decide yesterday that i had reached the point where i needed to be fully confident in my knowledge base. but after the tests today, maybe i should have buried my head a little deeper in the books. it wasn't that i didn't know the information....it was that i just couldn't connect it. i know how important this stuff is. and to be totally honest, maybe it is just the new pressure of this huge responsibility that is sucking the energy out of me.

so, in short, i am not feeling good about my test results. definitely not confident in the fact that i did well . i just know that i did. and that will have to be good enough. i have to keep in mind that God--in His Divine plan--has already accounted for many many many many mistakes, mishaps, and mess-ups. i have to remember that as long as i do my very best, He'll work with that. i think that just the simple fact of me being here--having this opportunity is a testament to His networking and door-opening skills.

i have a looonnnggg road ahead of me. and right now, i can't even imagine the end. totally feeling overwhelmed. i have a TON of reading to do...a LOT of studying to get done...and even MORE to learn. and i am finding it harder and harder to focus when all this seems like so much and its relevance seems like so little. but i'll keep chugging away. because God wants me here--i know that much is true. and i'll get through my reading--from the closest book you see to the one farthest away (i found that if i line them right in the middle of my floor, anytime i need to get anywhere in my little cottage i end up tripping over them....subtle reminders of what needs to get done). and i'll try my best to stay positive about it--because i am well aware that not everyone gets this opportunity. and i will pray for motivation, because i really need some right now. and i will hope that the end of this road comes sooner than later.

so thanks for your prayers. for your positive thoughts. for your encouragement and support. but most of all, for your prayers.

profound.

you know when you read something and it just hits you...like a brick wall, or bullet train, or meteor from Mars?? you know what i'm talkin' about??

i read something like that today. it was a rare moment--a break from my textbooks (which, by the way, seem to magically be multiplying). i picked up "Blue Like Jazz", by Donald Miller. and this is what i read (and prepare yourself, it is kind of long...):

For a very long time, I could not understand why some people have no trouble accepting the grace of God while other experience immense difficulty. I counted myself as one of the ones who had trouble. I would hear about grace, read about grace, and even sing about grace, but accepting grace is an action I could not understand. It seemed wrong to me not to have to pay for my sin, not to freel guilty about it or kick myself around. MOre than that, grace did not seem like the thing I was looking for. It was too easy. I wanted to feel as though I earned my forgiveness, as though God and I were buddies doing favors for each other.
Enlightenment came in an unexpected place: a grocery store. I was on my way over Mount Hood to spend some time in the high desert with a few friends. I was driving alone and decided to stop in at Safeway to pick up some provisions for the weekend. While standing in line at the checkout counter, the lady in front of me pulled out food stamps to pay for her groceries. I had never seen food stamps before. They were more colorful than I imagined and looked more like money than stamps. It was obvious as she unfolded the currency the she, I, and the checkout girl were quite uncomfortable with the interaction. I wished there was something I could do. I wished I could pay for her groceries myself, but to do so would have been to cause a greater scence. The checkout girl quickly performed her job, signing and verifying a few documents, then filed the lady through the line. The woman never lifted her head as she organized her bags of groceries and set them into her cart. She walked away from the checkout stand in the sort of stiff movements a person uses when they know they are being watched.
On the drive over the mountain that afternoon, I realized that it was not the woman who should be pitied, it was me. Somehow I had come to believe that becuase a person is in need, they are candidates for sympathy, not just charity. It was not that I wanted to buy her groceries, the government was already doing that. I wanted to buy her dignity. And yet, by judging her, I was the one taking her dignity away. ...
Rick (the author's friend) says that I will love God becuase he first loved me. I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love." From Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller, p. 83-84, 86

heaven.

oh man. i got a little piece of heaven here today. and bbbooooyyyy was it nice. rain + chai + being outside on my porch in the middle of the storm = me very happy :) (even though i was doing homework).

this past week went by SOOOOO s....l....o....w....l....y...... by wednesday i though it had to be friday...then when friday came, i couldn't actually believe it was here. and speaking of friday, i went to the "first cut party" thrown for the freshmen. it was in a cow pasture out in the country. and, with my great luck, i managed to step in a giant pile of cow poo with flip-flops on. it was slimey....gross. but despite the little bit of the party i took home with me on my feet, i also took home a bit of optimism--about the people here, about the community here; about the fact that i am thinking that i chose the right place--or, rather, the right place chose me.

and on a more scholastic note, we started anatomy last week. and starting anatomy means we started in the cadaver lab. and there has been quite a bit that has happened since our first day of lab on tuesday:

i have decided to (temporarily) take a subbatical from eating red meat and crackers in my soup as a result of my (awesome) observations in the lab. the red meat looks just like human muscle and the crackers-in-soup heavily resemble adipose tissue. too much for me.

my emotions have been on a roller coaster--perhaps coming to grips with the fact that i am working on dissecting someone's grandma has gotten under my skin--or theirs (yes, pun was intended).

and we, as first year students, got "the talk". you know the one that you always hear phantom whispers of in medical school?? the talk that tells us we must dissociate--we must, from this point on, throw our emotions by the way-side when situations arise where human emotionality is not welcome. people are depending on us, on our stoic grace and our knowledge base, to successfully support, treat, and hopefully heal themselves and those they love. emotionality has its place in the comfort of life outside of doctor-hood, they told us; but seldom does it find itself comfortable within the profession.

and, as a result of this talk, i've had to re-evaluate myself, my own desires, and my future profession. and quite frankly, i disagree with them. yes, there is a place for emotion. and although medical professionals are supposed to be strong and courageous and knowedgble, they are also people. people who chose a hectic lifestyle of dedication to their patients, their communities, the greater world of healing arts because it moved something inside of them, it attracted their hearts and stimulated their minds to actively pursue health in others. and because they are people, who happen to be doctors, if a situation arises where human emotionality is stirred enough to flow out from the depths of its storage place, i say let it loose--let the tears and joy and sorrow and excitement and refreshment and disappointment and tradgedy and grace flow freely.

patients see the doctor side in humans through diagnosis and the human side in doctors through emotions. i think my patients deserve to see the whole me.

official.

well. it is official. i am a medical student.

hold on, let me say it again. i am a medical student.

nope. still not sinking in.

i kind of feel like i am at summer camp. in my little cottage, with a rental car i happen to be driving around, constantly introducing myself to people as "hi, my name is ____. i am from ____. in undergrad i studied _____. i hope to specialize in ____." fill in the blanks as you choose.

it is feeling more comfortable here today. lots more comfortable, actually. i still don't know many people, but i fully realize that it will just take time to make connections---and i am cherishing my reflective, alone time right now. had class this morning--we got a new 'patient'. and believe it or not, it was actually fun. so fun. we talked. we contemplated. we tried to put puzzle pieces together to come up with a diagnosis. and then we researched. and in the meantime we learned. and that is what it is all about: working together toward a common goal. and i think it is pretty cool that the goal just happens to be making someone else's quality of life better. :)

the beginning.

well. i am here. in lewisburg. and while i never thought this day would come, it has come--and gone. quickly--way too quickly, it seems right now.

but i am here. sitting at my desk. while my chicken is cooking for dinner. one full day--the first day--of orientation behind me. and many unremembered names later, i am confident--but nonetheless apprehensive--that THIS is where God wants me.

and yes, i was that nerdy this morning that i took a picture of myself on my first day of school. it was like big-kid first grade all over again.

it is comfortable here. the people are nice. my little cottage is cozy. it is quiet and hot (which i love) and rainy and thunderstormy. and there are no bugs, except spiders in my bathtub. and apples are $3.99 per pound (a foreign USD amount to me, living forever before in Washington state where apples are abundant). and my landlords are really nice. and i have a roof and food and bounds of knowledge awaiting my learning.

we talked today in orientation about changes. the change coming here. the change that needs to take place in personal spending habits. and perhaps most importantly the emotional change that will take place in all of us (us being the first year students) by the years end. and as much as i am scared for that change--how it will affect me personally, my relationships, my outlook on life, i am trusting that God will change me as well...for the better.

and guess what God did for me today already?? he introduced me, completely randomly, to 2 other christians! how cool is that?? out of the almost-200 students that were at orientation today, i met 2 wonderful girls that both turned out to be christians. so church buddies, here i come :)

His fingerprints continue to pop up in the most unexpected places. in notes from home. in blessings of waived late fees. in hard working companies who really care about their customers. in early flights and cheap books and new beginnings. yes, God really is in everything....you just have to look hard enough to find Him.

the middle of nowhere.

well okay. not quite the middle of nowhere--and it didn't matter that it was nowhere because someone was there--someone pretty special :) but it was quite a trip--quite a saga, actually--to get to the middle of nowhere. and by the time i finally got there, i had never been so happy to be in the middle of nowhere in my entire life.

it all started on tuesday. i drove to spokane to visit beth and adorable not-so-baby-anymore jessa. we went downtown...had lots of fun together. then went shopping with amy, which was also fun. AND amy and derek cooked me dinner--they are like star chefs or something...it was really good :) and then after a bit of laughing and talking (moreso me than amy), we finally fell asleep.

and good thing, too, because my flight came early in the morning. and amy was kind enough to drop me off at the airport...and i checked in at the southwest counter.

my flight from spokane to oakland took off on time and was pretty smooth--as far as i can remember....although i can't remember much because i was asleep and i woke up with my mouth wide open more than once.

once i arrived in oakland, i just happen to walk far enough to find my gate, which wasn't posted yet because i had such a long layover. much to my dismay, a starbucks--which i felt i desparately needed--was no where in sight....so i took a seat in what i thought would be an isolated corner. not at all the case. i had a family come sit by me with what appeared to be 4 little girls, who all looked exactly like one another....they turned out to be 2 girls and 2 boys--slightly resembling Hanson (remember them??). and on top of the shock factor from this family of quadruplets who were of 2 different sexes, the mom laid the youngest one (less than 2 years old) on her lap--totally horizontal--and whipped out her boob in the middle of the airport and stretched it down to about where her knee/the baby's mouth was to nurse. weird.

i got up to get lunch (which was 1/2 of a disgusting burrito) and sat back down a few seats away from where i was sitting before. and luck would have it that i sat down next to a girl--on her cell phone--that was talking about condoms and how she had just found out, the night before, that she was pregnant and she didn't remember who the father was. quite a umm....colorful conversation.

so i finally boarded the 45-minute-delayed plane headed to st. louis. it was full flight. little did i know that we had to stop in phoenix to drop off & pick up other passengers. but because the plane was delayed, they didn't want to stop and take another hour to refuel. so we took off from phoenix with just enough fuel to make it to st. louis.

it wasn't until about 70 miles out of st. louis that the problems began. there were 'big thunderstorms' in the city, as they were explained to us and we weren't allowed to land until they cleared. so there we were.....low on fuel, flying around in circles "on hold" from the control tower waiting for clearance to land in st. louis. i was freaking out.

but lucky us, we DID get clearance from the control tower in st. louis just in time because the captain said that we had 'just enough' fuel to make it back to the airport. and i didn't quite believe that there was a big thunderstorm....until we got a little closer and i saw the most incredible lightening storm that i have ever seen in my life....and funny thing was that we were flying right through it...in a metal airplane. again, i was freaking out.

well, we landed. and right when i turned on my cell phone, jon called. bad news....he couldn't come pick me up. which actually, i was thinking, was okay because my flight got in really late and we wouldn't have gotten back to where he was until really late....and with him getting up at 3 a.m. everyday, it wouldn't have been good for him either. i was fine...(remember i am sitting on the plane thinking this)...i'd just get a hotel room or rent a car and drive to where he was.

but that is where the problems began. i got off the airplane and noticed that wow! the st. louis airport was much smaller than i expected. WRONG. the entire main terminal of the airport had NO electricity. the pretty lightening storm we watched from the sky in our metal airplane had knocked it out...and left another 500,000 people without electricity.

and WRONG again. there was a big baseball game in st. louis that day and every hotel was overbooked. and WRONG again. i had to be 25 yeras old to rent a car from the company that wouldn't cost me an arm and leg. and WRONG again....the soonest flight that left to Fort Leonard Wood was thursday at noon (and it being wednesday, i was thinking it would be a loooonnngggg wait in the airport without electricity).

so i was stranded. no hotel. no car. no jon. no plane. no electricity. pretty much just me. and my suitcase (which almost didn't arrive either).

luckily, my mom came to the rescue. some nice people came and picked up me, let me stay at their house (they were trustworthy, don't worry) and took me to the bus station in the morning.

and on the way to the bus station the next morning, there were trees down, signs broken in half, roofs off buildings, and cars swerved into the medians along the freeway. CRAZY. crazy that of all the days to visit st. louis, i chose the one that marked one of the biggest storms in history. and crazy that my plane flew right into the storm. and crazy that we were almost out of fuel. and crazy that God totally provided and protected, despite the crazy circumstances (protected me, protected jon from driving...the list goes on).

onto my 6-hour adventure on the bus: was scared more for my stuff than myself in the bus station. sat next to a smelly smelly boy for all 6 hours of what was supposed to be a 2 hour bus ride. stopped to get gas 5 times but couldn't get it until 1 exit before my stop because the electricity hadn't only affected the st. louis area, but had also knocked out the gas pumps for miles and miles.

and finally got to Fort Leonard Wood. and like i said before, i had NEVER been so happy to be in the middle of nowhere in my life. :)

changing seasons

you know, i never really thought about life as seasons. until now. until now when changes happen...when there is summer and spring and autumn and winter--each season unique in every sense of the word. and although i can't quite discern which season of life i am in now, i know one thing for sure: it is changing.

and just like the change from winter to spring brings new life, new breath, new excitement, so too does this seasonal change. it is big. it is not yet as comfortable as the last seasons have been...but i am trusting that it will become more comfortable with time, with space, with experience.

because really when you think about it, that is what life is all about: experience. experiencing every good thing that God created...experiencing life to the fullest, filling your senses with awe and your eyes with wonder; filling your heart with hope and your life with Divine purpose--and inspiring others to do the same. as much as i hesitate to admit it, this life--my life--doesn't belong to me. it belongs to someone much greater, much more powerful, much more loving than i can even comprehend. and beyond pursuing the dreams, desires, and wishes He has planted in my heart at the very core of my being, He has also left me great responsibility. He has given me a mission....to share the awe and wonder and hope and purpose and inspiration that i have been blessed with.

and lately i have't been doing a good job of it. and with the forecast of my crazy busy schedule the next few years, it is hard for me to think that there will be time for that ultimately important assignment. so i am praying--with all that i have, all that i am--that i can find time, make time, cherish time doing His holy work. be it in the grocery store or through a few dollars with a thousand miles' distance...opportunities always exist. i just have to open my eyes wide enough and spill out my heart enough to see them in the midst of changing seasons.

too much time.

Wow. After all this time has passed, I know one thing for sure: I definitely do NOT win the blogger-of-the-year award. It has been waaayyy too long since I last updated this—and although life seems to have come to somewhat of a standstill, SO much has happened in the past month.

Where to start…

Got back from Maui at the end of May. After a whirlwind finals week and graduation weekend, it was wonderful to have a bit of time to just sit…to lounge…to just be. And it was an immense blessing to spend quality time with my wacky family.

Headed to Spokane to see my favorite dude just two days after I got back. We spent the week with his parents. And in addition to me learning more about just how awesome he is, I learned invaluable lessons about his family—daily interactions, conversation pieces, stories from the past. It was awesome. I met his cute grandma…we had a picnic…we went to dinner…got in the hot tub…pretty fun week with a pretty cool guy

We headed back to Richland just in time for Tayte’s birthday party. It was a one heckuva crazy time, I’ll tell ya’. She wanted a hotel room…I set up a scavenger hunt…and then about 6 more teenagers than we expected ended up spending the night. highlights from the evening:
Korryn accidentally kicks her shoe of the hotel room deck. Her and two other girls have to go searching for it in the darkness right outside someone else’s hotel room window.
My mom makes a bet with one of the girls who didn’t have a swimsuit that she would get in the pool with her clothes on if the girl did as well. The girl got in with her clothes on. My mom decided she didn’t need hers (well…except for her tanktop and underear). Best part was that the pool was exposed, via a wall of windows, to the main hallway of the lobby…AND that Jon Pritchard was also swimming with us. (I think he might be scarred for life).
Tayte and her friends get in trouble by a mean lady next door who said they were being too loud. And instead of accepting the fact that they were, in fact, being loud….they decided to make this oh-so-mean lady the topic of conversation the remainder of the night.
Jon played guitar for a herd of teenage fans. Probably his first concert debut (?). I think that the pictures explain it all…yup…they loved him
During the scavenger hunt (which was in none other than Super WalMart), the girls all had to come back out to the car before they could open each new clue. We thought it’d be funny to keep moving the car so they’d have to run around the entire monstrous parking lot. They weren’t too happy with our decision….Jon and I thought it was hilarious!!

I was lucky enough to spend the following week with Jon-- that is like two weeks straight, in case you were wondering!! (and it was awesome!) but, inevitably, the sad day came where we had to say goodbye. And holy cow it was sad. Sad…but necessary.

Pretty crazy that we’ve come to this time in our life where God is sending each of us off—in our own unique ways in order to fulfill His ultimate purpose for our lives. And you know…I never expected it to be easy—and I know in my heart that it will totally be worth it—but it is turning out to be much more challenging than I had originally anticipated.

It seems like just yesterday that I was dreaming about medical school. And today, I don’t feel like I’ve woken up yet. And it just blows my mind that everything seems to happen at once: leaving friends, moving away from family, departing from everything familiar and comfortable. But despite all the uncertainty, the apprehension, and the extreme anxiety I am feeling at the moment, I am also feeling excessively blessed, totally loved, and amazingly comforted by the fact that I know this separation is necessary.

After an awesome two weeks with Jon, he took off for Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri and I headed to San Antonio, Texas to spend a week at Canyon Lake and see the Alamo and the famous Riverwalk

And from Texas, it was on to West Virginia to (mmm…deep breath) move me in!!! I feel SO incredibly blessed that I had the opportunity to visit in advance. I got a private tour of the campus, got to know one of my professors, moved in (almost completely) to my cute little house (that I love, by the way), spent some time in the incredibly beautiful landscape of the Appalachians, and mentally geared up for school (although I do have a ways to go).

i got back from WV and went to Allison’s bridal shower. I can’t believe her wedding is in 8 days!!! CRAZY!!!

Two days later I was in Yakima visiting my Dad. It was a good visit—and God definitely had his hand in my time there.

Onto a family reunion in Yakima, then to Camp Ghormley tagging along with my family as the medical team for a few days. Mt. Rainier was the next destination—enjoying the immensity of God’s creation and getting friendly reminders of how small I am

And what is on the plate next?? Just being home. And I am fully planning on soaking up each and every second of it!!!!!

(UGGHH!!! picture uploads aren't currently working. bedtime for me. i'll try again tomorrow)

sand.sun.surf.salutations.

still here. still in maui. and still baking myself daily. pretty great, if you ask me.

but also ready to come home. ready to go through my stuff (TLC Clean Sweep style...will be SUPER fun...planning on have SELL/KEEP/TOSS piles and everything). ready to see jon again. ready to see little puff-ball again. ready to eat a big fatty popsicle. ready to just lay on my huge beanbag and soak in being home.

excited for hugs. for new scrapbooking stuff i am planning on getting when i'm in spokane (jon...you can come with me...it could be fun--wink wink). excited for life on the mainland. cuz guess what!?! it is different than here.

really praying about mission work. God planted a seed in my heart about 8 years ago...and its been steadily growing since then. itching to get to school...excited to learn about the human body (but still coveting prayers for motivation). ready to use my hands and heart to help those in need.......

all in all: i am just thankful today. reality is sinking in that i am done at GU. that i am moving across the country. that i am turning a new page. and i'm excited to read what is on it. excited for trips this summer. excited to move in to my cute little guest house. excited to see what adventures God has in store for me; becuase guess what!?! i am SURE there are plenty.

praying for motivation. for wisdom and discernment. for purity and a continually guarded heart. for honesty and optimism. and for time and confidence: in relationships, in repairing relationships, in maintaining friendships, in spending intimate time with the Creator of the Universe.

it still blows my mind that i can do that. that i can sit down and talk to the One who made every living thing on this Earth. the One who handcrafted each blade of grass and sprinkles each raindrop in precisely the spot He chooses. the One who raises mountains and hugs orphans...the One who has enough time to throw galaxies into place and listen to my heart. WOW.

and on a totally new note....WOW are these beautiful women i have the privledge of calling my sisters....

up and running (again)

updated my other (travel) blog again. you might wanna check it out.
http://jjac02.blogspot.com

and yeah...hmmm...i update slightly more often than some people i know (ehhheeemmmm)!!

okay okay. just kidding.

jon...can't check again until tomorrow afternoon. hopefully snorkeling in the morning...sunning in the early afternoon....then probably coming here--just to check your blog. :)

checking in. blogging in.

school is over. i am officially alumni @ Gonzaga. i am officially feeling older than ever. it is still all so surreal. so unreal that i was there for 4 years. that i learned SO much. that i now know so little.

and giving credit properly where credit is due, i'm lifting it alllll up to the One and Only....the Man with the Plan. so much anticipation...anxiety...and yeah, i'll admit it: fear. of what the future holds...of what it might not hold. scary--life, i mean. but nonetheless satisfying knowing that it is all planned in advance by the Ruler of the Universe Himself.

i'm trusting. totally trusting. because, guess what!?! it is all that i can do.

all that i can do

is hold onto you

and follow where you lead

where you're leading me

all that i can do

is hold onto you

and let you bring me through

it's all that i can do

-bethany dillon (aka: my teenage hero)

and on another note...or blog, rather, you will find updates on my current travel :) check this out (if you'd like to know): http://jjac02.blogspot.com/

worth at least a mouthful

can't really seem to make my brain work right now--or so it seems to me. it might be kinda full with study-material...or other stuff. SO ready to be done right now....finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on what i am supposed to be doing. less than 48 hours and i will, technically, be done . that is crazy to me--absolutely crazy...that i have been here 4 years. that i started high school almost 8 years ago. feeling older every second.

thought i'd illustrate the pieces of my life since friday in pictures.... reason being that i haven't had much to say lately--brain is apparently in hibernation ;)


Mary & Jake got engaged on Friday...surprise engagement party (planned so sneakily by Jake @ Catacombs)





Big Al's night on Friday night--SOOOO fun!! and i think my date was pretty cool too ;)...okay okay he was awesome!












(can i put these on here?!?!) lil' surprise for the coolest dude (and most patient dude this week....especially with me!!) on saturday morning. i think the pictures are relatively self-explanatory....

followed up our visit to Merlyn's with a trip to Costco for sampling and lunch....

hung out with Brad later on Saturday. watched Anchorman. nap. bed. :)

sunday = homework, church, photo developing, a WONDERFUL walk with a wonderful guy, starbucks (yum!), and studying....











....and today was filled with studying (but not enough of it), taking my books back to the bookstore (i was 1st in line!!!), starbucks (okay i admit it), double checking my box of 87 graduation announcements i am sending out tomorrow, and a nap (you'd think i was 2 years old again or something).

LOTS more to do tomorrow. meeting in the morning. reviewing. appoitment tomorrow early afternoon. and then i'll just be stuck in my apartment---studying my brains out :)

nuthin'

well. writing again. only thing is, don't really have much to write about. and weirdly, SO much has been happening that i feel i should have something to write about. but life is good. i am content.

just basking in my content-ness.

oh, and the beautiful sunshine outside.

maniac

you know that song..."she's a maniac...maaanniiacccc". no clue who 'sings' it (and i put sings in parentheses because it sounds more like rapid talking). i kinda feel like "she"--whoever she is.

my weekend schedule just totally filled up. not quite sure how. not quite sure why. but trying to cram everything in--trying before the last bout of studying and the final bit of college. wow. i feel old.

paper writing today from 12-6ish. hopefully will be able to get it done. highly doubtful though. 1 paper down--2 more to go.
dinner with beth & jacob & jessa tonight. hopefully some good fellowship time--and i get to see jessa, which usually makes me pretty happy.
no plans after. but there is a cool dude i know. maybe we can do something....hoping we can do something.
wake up EARLY tomorrow to work on my paper more.
pictures of jon's parents.
perhaps christine & margi's dance concert.
boat cruise.
movie night.
church in the morning.
paper writing.
christine's bridal 'get-together'.
paper writing.
paper writing.
paper writing.
paper writing.
sleep somewhere in between.

yeah. maniac is right.

and BIG thank you to God. for answered prayers. for dedication. for patience. and for commitment :)

waiting here

it's an in-between time right now. between breath's. between changes. between finishing and starting over; holding on and letting go; building and breaking. it's an in-between time for my life...my heart....my perspective.

haven't had to deal with this before. haven't been stuck in a place quite like this before--and can't say with confidence that i will be again.

i feel most often that i am a big ball of emotions. anxiety. nerves. anticipation. hope. excitement. etc. i can't figure out where i should be, where i am going, who i should hang on to. and, more than anything, it stresses me out.

but then i heard these words on Reuben Morgan's new CD World Through Your Eyes. Good stuff on that CD. some classics...some newbies. but this song was a nice reminder that yup....in this time of change that my focus needs to be on God--and Him alone. i need the constant reminder that the purpose of my life isn't for personal fulfillment, pleasure, or accomplishment--but it should be all for His glory, His honor...my life should be a tangible example of His praise. need that reminder--need to make that improvement.

everything will work out
everything will work out
for your glory
i know you'll use it all

fall upon your mercy
call upon your kindness
will you come to me
and search my heart again

and i'm on my knees
waiting here for you
in your holy place
and my heart is home
in your courts oh Lord
how i long for you

everything will work out
everything will work out
when i see you
i'll know i'll understand

--"Waiting Here", Reuben Morgan

how yuuu doin'??

haha. so i went to Yoke's today. to go grocery shopping; much needed--was down to chicken and dry cereal.

walked in and encountered a swarm of kids huddled around some poor lady handing out pizza. i think they were on a field trip. anyway--almost ran into a couple of them with my basket (i use baskets, not carts, because then i tend to not buy unneeded things...). headed over to the produce section where i encoutered another swarm of kids....learning about produce. apparently produce includes ice cream, meat, chips, and fruit--as so eloquently explained by one little motor-mouth.

anyways....headed toward the bulk candy section to pick up some candy for jodie's bridal shower on sunday. when, out of the blue (or yellow, i should say), i enountered a large banana. and by large banana i mean a full-size man dressed in a Dole banana suit. couldn't see his face. all i saw were his little chicken legs...and then i heard it from behind the mesh banana-face (do banana's even have faces??)

"heeyyyy. how yuuuu doin'???"

hahahahahaha! it isn't every day that you get hit on by a big yellow banana!

detox

puffy has toxic levels of drugs in his blood--all prescribed by the vet, mind you. poor little guy. they lowered his dose but he might have to undergo transfusion. taking out all the old blood, filtering it (simply), and putting it back in. complicated process for such a lil' guy.

sometimes i wish, in the most non-physically-unrealistic sense ever, that my mood could undergo detox. yesterday was most definitely a trying day. but encouragement helped. hugs helped. support and understanding helped...a lot.

i hate to 'test' God. i'm not supposed to do that. but it's just when i get discouraged, frustrated, under-the-weather-feeling-sorry-for-myself...that God totally pulls through--detoxifies my mood.

and again, He totally provided. i signed the lease for the house in WV that i originally wanted (but there were 2 people in line ahead of me...). SO excited about it. beginning to seriously sink in that i am moving. across the country. on my own. by my lonesome. knowing no one. totally trusting that God will provide friendships, mentors, a church family, a place to call comfortable....focused, dedicated, restricted knowledge. so much is on the horizon--more than i can comprehend right now. but, like i said, God has totally pulled through. He opened this door wiiiiidddeeeeee open....and waited for me to walk through. well i'm walking God....but cautiously, mind you.


watched little jessa today. what a bundle of joy. innocent. sweet. vibrant. peek-a-boo was funny. picture books were real. a bowl of animal crackers was a feast. life was big, huge. needed that reminder. needed to get rid of the selfish notion that my life should come first, that my needs and wants should be a top priority. needed to see sacrifice, discipline, innocence; to see again that life is, indeed, bigger than me. needed that detox.

the sun was warm today. did homework today--which, by the way, i actually thoroughly enjoyed [kinda know i am a nerd when i walk through the library and breathe a sigh of relief because it feels so much like home]. the night was perfect--totally wanted to take a walk. got a call from a friend i haven't heard from since december today...she makes me smile :) AND...got to see my favorite dude as well. gosh he is so freakin' cool ;) lucky to know him....proud that he is part of my life.

so this has been one detox sorta day today. much needed transfusion--out with the old, in with the new. hoping that holds for tomorrow as well :)

tough

trying day so far. wondering what Christ is trying to remind me of today--something that i'm not handling too well apparently. got really overwhelmed this morning. with everything i have to do...with everything that is not getting done.

frustrated with myself for my academic performance (or lack thereof). wondering what happened to the dedicated student i used to know. surprised at my inclination to keep to myself--my non-existent desire to touch the social realms of school these last few weeks. wondering what happened to the girl who loved meeting new people...spending time with people. and somewhat disappointed in myself for who i've been--or haven't been--for God lately. He's been thrown by the way-side, put on a back burner. apparently my heart needs to be recalibrated.

so today...goals:
focus.
concentrate.
efficiency.
Christ-love to all.
gratitude.
love.

photos

new photos posted under 'portraits'....click on link to the right :)

easter

spent the weekend with family. great time. gracious people. grace-filled God. reminders of His sacrifice everywhere. reminders of my blessings in everything. my heart deepened this weekend--thank you.

dissect this picture

a view from my desk this morning.

reminders of just how much i have to be thankful for....

1) music & cards. a little box on my desk. filled with CDs and a box of love in envelopes, sent via USPS to make someone else's day. i don't glance at it enough. don't realize how blessed i am to have the gift of hearing to listen to sweet melodies, how lucky i am to have such amazing people in my life to send these little 'envelopes of love' to. need to remember--need to glance more often.

2) duke (the huge yellow lab). found out he wasn't doing so well yesterday. his arthritis is getting really bad. i was so excited to get him 10 years ago. so excited to have something to take care of, a big yellow fur-ball to wrestle around with. i forget about the companionship animals offer...the joy they tend to bring. so three cheers for duke...and i suppose he gets a "hip-hip-hooray" too :)

3) sunglasses. these are actually broken. held together by a safety pin. oh well--they serve their purpose: blocking the sun from my eyeballs. and you know what sun means? yup. warm weather. excited for it--excited that i don't have to wear layers and layers of clothing, excited that it means birds and green grass and swimming (i LOVE swimming). these broken sunglasses are waiting for use....waiting and waiting and waiting. [oh...and they do serve another purpose: guards against eyelash puller-outers. ehm! you know who you are!].

4) dr. pooh. apparently that will be me. well....not so much the 'pooh' part as the 'doctor' part. excited about next year. feeling totally blessed that God opened this door for me. feeling out of control at the same time--but finding comfort in the fact that the Big Dude will be beside me the whole time. counting my blessings for this opportunity.

5) jon-bear. a little version of this cool dude i know. feeling so blessed to know him...to spend time with him. and these days time is a scarce commodity--one that is treasured and enjoyed. wanting him to know that i respect him. respect his respect for me--for other women in general. respect his commitment to his family...his studies...and his country. respect his faith--immensely. and most of all, respect who he is now and who he is becoming. and so jon-bear sits on my desk....a reminder of this amazing man i know :)

6) "happy spring". so cool. flowers. totally an unexpected surprise--an appreciated surprise. also from this amazing person (aka jon-bear in reality size). and really, when it comes down to it, these are a representation of him. of how he thinks of me (which, by the way, makes me feel special)...of how he treats me...of how he fights for me, for us. i am truly blessed :) thanks for the flowers, cool dude. and thanks, most of all, for being the incredible person you are.

library

prepare yourself for an extremely random post. consider yourself warned:

i hear it is raining outside. and i really love the rain. oh...too bad. stuck here in the library. 7 hours yesterday. 4 hours thus far today. but getting stuff done. it feels so good to be organized, to be with-it :) i missed this feeling.

i made a binder for West Virginia last night. i would take a picture of it if i had my camera with me right now (oh...but i don't...remember...i am in the liiiibbbrrraarrryyyy). i decided that i LOVE making things. paper and glue sticks and scissors make me really happy.

i think God might have used a defillibaroraotor (aka defribillator) on my homework brain. not so much motivated, as in enjoy-my-homework motivated, but at least getting stuff done.

looking foward to this week. test on wednesday. easter on friday = home on friday.

praying for poor lil' Ryne....she is super sick. something wrong with her liver. kinda sounds serious. lots of prayers her way :)

looking for houses in WV. crazy that reality is semi-setting in--the reality that i am moving, quite literally, across the country. but i am excited. i talked with a MSII there last weekend...she was SO nice. SO willing to help. and from the sound of it, that is how everyone is there. good feeling to be headed to a place with nice people. :)

and definitely hoping for one nice person i know to be closer than farther away. but....after i called the Army this morning and told them to get their lazy bums in gear (they totally listened to me)....we don't have too much to worry about. i hope.

generally, in case you were wondering, just enjoying life right now. it seems to easy--so laid back. enjoying these last moments of illusive reality. life will never be the same again. unless i move to Australia (which actually doesn't sound like too bad of an idea).

i really want a popcicle right now. yum.

told you this was random. :)

keeping it alive

the immensity of this time of change is really unexplainable. at times i feel so detached from the 'real world', from daily living and functioning of so-called 'normal' people that i fear i won't be able to relate, to empathize, to understand. this close community of believers, of fellow students and teachers has provided the perfectly nurturing environment for me to blossom, to grow, to learn...about life, about history, about my potential for the future. and while i appreciate my experience (immensely!), appreciate the investment each person has made in and for my life, my newest fear is that "out there", i won't be able to pay-it-forward--to invest in others and to return the life and lessons and love i have gleaned.

i don't know if i have a "calling", a stern direction from God that, without a doubt, instructs and drives and inspires my actions. i do know that i have dreams...aspirations...goals. but lately--and all too realistically--reality seems to be raining down (it is really more of a sprinkle right now...but a storm is in the forecast) and i am getting wet.

my dreams are changing. they are being transformed, altered...growing, maybe? my heart wants things it never dared to speak before...and now the challenge i am presented with is to hang on to the things it wanted before--the things that have driven me, kept me going thus far.

i want to be a physician. i do not want to change people...to cure disease...to fix bones or even heal wounds. those things are all assignments that come with the job. i want to do more. i want to instill hope, to nurture personal growth, to inspire dignity. i want to heal--both physically and spiritually...and i don't want to lose that dream.

“When our students enter medical school they are starry eyed, they are caring, they are optimistic. They appear to be entering medicine for all the right reasons-really appearing to want to improve the life of others. there is a transformation the occurs in medical school when students become much more cynical and tend to loose this optimism that the power is going to be there to do all the things that you dream you are going to do." (The New Medicine, PBS)

i do have dreams. but they aren't for me. they are for my patients. i am not the mechanism of change--i dont' hold the power in my physical being to boast such a talent. i am, simply, God's catalyst in the transformation that encompasses healing.

i want to be part of a family. my own family. i want to be present, to be involved. and my fear is that the investment i am required to make--or choose to make, rather--in my career will compromise my involvement. i have done my research--(check out www.mommd.com) and quite frequently (as in almost everyday) freak myself out beyond return about making the 'right choice' in continuing my education.

but i have to trust. trust myself--that where i am is because i am supposed to be here. trust God--that He has a plan...one beyond all my imagining. trust my support system--that they will stand by me through thick and thin. and most of all, trust in my dreams--because dreams are the stuff life is made of.

i want my future to come, not today but eventually--in due time. my dreams, my hopes, my goals, my wants ..i want to keep them alive.

organized & blogging

so i just wrote my entire blog entry....and then deleted it. please tell me this isn't a prediction of how my week will go.

finally blogging again. been a bit out of touch, out of inspiration....out of organization and time management. back in game--totally back in and excited to be here.

weekend was GREAT. much needed "me" time...much needed get-my-crazy-life-in-order time. much needed time of friends and food and followship. really, much needed time to just be.

long nap after class on friday (i LOVE naps). yummy dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup--perfect for the wonderful rainy day it was. definitely gotta add watching Singing in the Rain to my movie list for sometime soon....LOVE that movie.

then to Ice Age 2--hilarious movie. even made it look fun to live and breathe and eat and exist on and in ice. fun if you are a sloth or mammoth or possum or possum-mammoth, which i am not = would not be fun for me. good company at the movie too :) listening to all the kids belly giggle at the most obvious humor made me smile...innocence is truly a blessing!!!

psychology GRE's on saturday morning. got up at 6:30. arrived at test site at 8. waited until 8:30 for administrators to arrive. test finally started at 9:15 (by which time i was fuming inside...apparently patience is a virtue i do not possess before 10am). totally thought we'd have some break during the 2 hour 50 minute test. nope. straight through the 205 questions. straight through until eyeballs went cross-eyed and i passed out from mental overload (and i was one of the lucky ones....).

long, boring, hope-to-pass-for-my-degree test followed by a trip to Costco (for apparently discounted, unneeded but totally wanted oversized items and a $1.50 polish sausage) and Mervyn's (for sale earrings for the brunch on sunday). wonderful to spend time with friends (amanda, amy, christine). looked at the magical aisles in Costco...full of muffins and trinkets and books and stuff that i was never intended to have (and probably, if i really think about it for more than 2 seconds don't really want). looked at bridesmaid dresses for christine's wedding in august. looked at ridiculous store windows and current styles that i am apparently supposed to like and wear if i want to be 'cool'. and....was totally exhausted when it was all over (how the heck did i shop for more than 45 minutes just a few years ago?!)

back to the apartment to turn dirty into clean. cleaned like a madwoman (everything except my room). such a good feeling to have everything undirtied and sanitized. cooked a little for sunday and tuesday. then (this was the best part) surprise visitor showed up :) one very tired and a little bit loopy boy stopped by for a hug and a hello....thanks jon--you made my night :)

then organized my stuff. went through old bank statements. balanced by checkbook. made a HUGE to-do list. such a good feeling to have life in order. a much-needed feeling that i haven't felt in awhile. making it a goal to keep up on stuff better...to be a better steward and consumer and tracker. to be a more aware citizen and person and Christ-follower.

sunday brunch @ 11:30, followed by the earring exchange. fun earrings. fun time. good food. all good ;)

then...this was the kicker...homework for 9.5 hours--straight!!!! wowa. woulda thought i was a freshman in college again. 4.5 hours in the library. 5 hours at my desk. small bathroom and food breaks. got SO much done. worked ahead for this week so i can focus on material for my test on friday.

confident about my schedule this week. freakin' excited for the Narnia party on tuesday :) at ease about my presentation on thursday....now..if i could only understand the material for my test on friday......God? can you work on that for me dude? thanks.

fingerprints

i have noticed something lately. well...i noticed it before too, but lately it has been highlighted in bold, dancing letters: God has quite the sense of humor.

really, though. just when i think i've fallen, made a mistake, crossed a boundary i shouldn't have--fully expecting his reprimand...He shoots down a little bit of funny and aims it right at me.

for instance, this morning i woke up at 5 a.m. and was freaking out. i called my mom--who proceeded to first encourage, and then laugh at me! now let me clarify that she was laughing at me because she thought i was being cute--cute in a funny sort of way--but still....the humor part was still there. i have no doubt in my mind that those little giggles on the other end of the phone were just a little bit of God entering my world.

and now i am sitting here at my desk looking at the piles of laundry on the floor and the piles of homework next to me. and i am thinking that i really don't want to do it. thinking that i wish that God would just call my name and sternly command my brain to turn on and engage in what i am supposed to be learning....and so as i was blankly gazing around my room, my eyes fell on a nail file, of all things, that is in my cup of writing utensils, along with 3 sets of knitting needles and a pair of scissors. i looked at the nail file and realized it was covered in butterflies--and i love butterflies. and then i looked again and noticed that it said "JJ". ummm...WEIRD because i've never noticed that before. upon further examination, i found that it was only part of another word written sideways....but honestly...isn't that humor from God?!?!

and then--this was the kicker today. each week i get an update on new articles written for Boundless, a webzine for college students published by Focus on the Family. it has proven to be a great resource, realizing that other students are struggling with the same decisions and feelings and faith-issues. and the contributors are amazing--truly working hard to uphold Christian values that so often go by the way-side when secular education comes into play.

anyhow...my personal struggle lately has been about my longterm career and the prospect of juggling a life at work with the ideal of a family (if i am so blessed). it's been a difficult decision to make, because it seems to final. lately God has told me--more than once--to look at what is directly in front of my. to enjoy what i have right now and to not try to plan more than 6 months ahead. to savor every moment now, right now, because life won't be quite like this ever again. and so today, i was struggling with the same thing--the same future i am trying, with hesistance, to let God take care of. and low and behold...what came in my email inbox today from Boundless, but a Q&A on females in the workforce raising families. how ironic is that?!?! no...irony doesn't really cover it....i know the culprit. God's fingerprints are all over it. :)

william was right.

william. william shakespeare, that is. he was right when he said that 'all the world's a stage. and all the men and women merely players.'

yup. all the world is a stage--God's stage. and we are just part of His story. surprise! life isn't about us...our measley sense of identity or fervent efforts to "make something" of ourselves. we already are something. we already are something bigger than we know....mere players with supporting roles in the greatest story ever told.

so why is it so easy to forget that? why is it so easy to focus inward, to get distracted trying to fill out the forms for success, fill up the piggy bank, and fill in the holes in our hearts? why is it so often that i get discouraged, distracted, disilluisioned that my life is about me--when in fact it has nothing to do with me as a physical being? and why...why do i so easily lose sight of the leader/director/producer in this big play called life?

i do not know. but i am learning and i am yearning.

learning that the sky is bigger than i can fathom, and that it is the closest physical reminder of the immensity of God. yearning to remember how tiny i am in my physical existence...but how HUGE God's love for me (and you!) is. learning that the God is the lead character is His play, His story and that He has casted me as a supporting role. yearning to fill--seamlessly fill that role and jam-pack it with all the grace, humility, and glory I can.

so yeah. william was right. that shakespeare guy sure knew his stuff. :)

dream big

so i've discovered something this week: no dream is too big to come true.

i am here..in disneyworld...(pretty "magical" place, if you ask me) and really enjoying myself :) enjoying time with my family and the timmons'. it totally amazes me: that walter elias disney had a dream--a huge dream that people laughed at--and THIS, this is what it turned into. WOW. no dream is too big to come true.

we walk around the parks (yes, i had no idea but there are LOTS of parks) and i am in awe of all the creativity, the artistry, the big DREAMS that this place is full of. [i am also in awe of all the nose-picking-leg-kicking-tongue-sticking-out children here]. i was never 'into' disney...never into the princesses or princes or "magic" of it all. but this trip has changed me a bit. i understand the liking of this place--and it truly is magical :)

(i would share some pictures...but i forgot to bring the software to download them...oops!!)

fun. again.

here

here. in tucson. having fun. SO good to see family again....LOVE these guys :)

apparently travel isn't good for all of us....

more than ever

[note: added pictures (clink on "Portraits" link at right)]
[sad note: Bachelor Travis & Sarah broke up....prayers for them (wink wink)]


i am ready for spring. ready for newness and fresh dew on the grass (instead of frost). ready for baby birds--i'll even take chirping birds at this point--and sunshine and blue skies. ready to put away my wool sweaters and winter eskimo coats and scarves and hats and gloves and long johns and mittens and socks and slippers. ready for spring--more than ever.

i am ready for this week to be over. i definitely do not win the blogger-of-the-year award--ready for my stress level to decrease in, what i hear, is the most magical place on Earth. continually amazed at my ability to find things to do other than my homework, i am ready for this week to be over--more than ever.

i realized while i was journaling last night that God, being 'the dude', has already answered one of my hugest prayers from childhood. my prayer was that i would be better, stronger, more able because of the situation with my parents; that my experience through their divorce and court hearings, etc. would turn into a blessing. and guess what?!! 'the dude' is good!!! i realized that He has protected my heart and kept me focused on academics in order to carry out His will for my life (part of it at least) because He knows how easily i get distracted, sidetracked. if i hadn't been through the muck with the divorce...if i hadn't put steel bars up around my heart, maybe my life would be in an entirely different place. so i am thankful that i'm not ready to jump on the bandwagon that seems to be so popular right now. and i am thankful for my parents' situation. and i am especially thankful for obedience and faith--more than ever :)

funny

kinda funny. {and not a 'haha' type of funny; funny as in oh-my, holy cow...can't believe it.}

funny that spring break is after next week. funny that i haven't written in almost a week (and last semester a day couldn't go by without me needing to share). funny that i have about 10 pages left in my journal i started in november--whomever invented pens...i am eternally grateful. funny that i feel older by the day, that graduation is in 2 months, and that i start school again, probably across the country, in 5 months. holy wow.

funny that God has surprised me--let me surprise myself. funny that my life plan has been severely interrupted....and funny that i am grateful for it.

funny how human i am. how much i mess up. how much i trip and slip. i amaze myself daily with my complete ignorance. funny {and amazing} how forgiving, gracious, and lavish the blessings of God are...He continues to amaze me.

here are some [pieces] for you :)
































from every direction in the sky
i can hear the oceans cry
out to your name in awe

and still i stand in reverence
basking in your holiness
for the many miracles i saw

the falling snow, the changing trees
coming of the brand new spring
the sunrise and moonshine
for me...you made it
the cross and nails and bearing scorn
my entrance in the holy room
all you've done and all you do
you, my king...are majestic.

beauty for ashes

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor.

-Isaiah 61:3

i found this week that i have lots of ashes in my life.

lots of remnants from my past, my present that leave soot on my heart and my hands. and these remnants are from memories, from events, from broken dreams and misshapen heart-spots; from disappointments and regretted self-disclosures, from far and distant friendships. even remnants of thoughts dust the soles of my feet and seem to smear grayish black on whatever i touch. thoughts of the future. thoughts of life, of family--mine now and my own. thoughts of idealism. thoughts of peace and joy and hope and love.

i am not quite sure where these remnants and thoughts turned to ashes. perhaps its my own tendency toward pessimism. perhaps its the world that has conditioned me to think practically instead of prayerfully. or perhaps its the safeguard that God has so generously glazed around my heart. whatever it is, i keep watching my ashes. i keep watching and wishing they would be what i want them to be, that they would spontaneously take shape in the form of renewing serenity and answered prayers.

but my wishes are in vain.

because it was God who allowed the ashes--whatever the cause of them. it was God who sacrificed my dreams and hopes and heartfelt desires. it was God who lit them on fire and watched their brillance fade into grayish bleakness.

am i angry? no. am i scornful? no. am i purposeless? absolutely not.

do you know what happened after mt st. helens blew? ash was everywhere. for miles and miles inches of ash fell. the brilliant spectrum of green on the mountainside instantly turned to gray. the snow capped peak blew into a million bits and left a gaping hole at the mountain top. it was gray. it was ugly. for months.

but then something exciting happened. little green shoots peaked their heads out of the gray. purple wildflowers baked in the sun. animals left footprints in the gray ash. the mountain was changing again....God was repainting brilliance on the mountainside. He was renewing serenity and beauty.

and you know...i figured something else out: that God is doing that in our lives too. you see...all my ashes--all the remnants of hopes and dreams and memories, the things i once held dear--have turned to ash for a reason. because God wants to send little green shoots and purple flowers up through my ashes. because God loves. because God cares. because God knows.

and despite all the ashes i have in my life right now--for all the black marks of soot i've left on every tangible being in my life....i've already noticed that it is beginning to smell fresh. something like purple wildflowers, maybe.

God is working. He's making beauty from my ashes.

not ready

realized it tonight. i think i've been in denial for weeks--months, even. realized that i graduate from college in 3 months. that spring break is in 3 weeks. that easter is in 5 weeks. that i have been in college for almost 4 years. that i am getting old.

okay okay. maybe not so much the last one...but i feel like things are changing. i can finally look at the amazing people in my life and realize that i won't always be next door, down the hall, or 15 minutes away. i can look at the buildings and benches and favorite places on campus that have become so familiar and realize that in just 6 months there will be new things, unfamiliar things that will take their place. i can finally look at my incredibly supportive family and realize that i will be thousands of miles away from them while their lives continue as they have been. and i can finally look at my own life and realize that after graduation in May, nothing will ever ever be the same as it has been the previous 21 years of my life.

wow. life is moving so fast already--and i hear it just gets keeps getting faster. i'm not ready. not ready for the real world. not ready for bills and life insurance and college funds for my own kids. not ready for next steps and big steps and road blocks. not ready for more school, bigger school, board exams. not ready.

but i was journaling last night and realized something else. that in the midst of all these changes--friends, family, life, relationships, location, school, comfort, finances, etc.....the same God is in control of it all. the same God that has been in control since the beginning of time is in control of my life--my little measley life. He's gotta be my rock--thank God (quite literally) i can be confident that 1 thing will never change.


on a much lighter note...had an incredible SEARCH reunion tonight with 6 of my favorite people. wine and spaghetti and bread and salad...yum. AND (drum roll please.....) the Bachelor was on. holy cow i can't quite express how freaking excited i am for next week. could be the most intense Bachelor season yet. my vote is totally on Sarah (Tennessee). can't wait 'till next monday!!!!!!!

ultimate author

Some say it’s a milestone
The territory is unknown
Shadows call out my name
Wanting me to play their game

My ribbon flies to kiss the moon
The cow has left all too soon
Funhouse mirrors warp my face
What expectations in this place

This giant hole I won’t forget
Reminding me to not get wet
In the flood of materialistic things….
Now what remains to give life to me?...

It is you
You’re the everlasting
The never changing…
Eternal guider
Story writer
Author of my life

So write me story
That magnifies your glory
Shine the Son all around
So all I meet will be found
I dedicate this manuscript to you.

[written (by me!) may 29, 2005]

preview

can't believe its been 1 week since i've written. a full 7 days. a blur of 168 hours.

funny thing is...of the 168 hours i've lived in the last week, i've only slept for 30 of them. i kind of feel like God is testing me right now...my endurance and general functioning on minimal sleep. but you know what? i love it.

for how much i complain about being tired...for how much coffee i consume...for how red my eyes turn...it is worth it.

worth it to learn. worth it to spend time with and take time for people....even if it means staying up later and getting up earlier. worth it to risk. worth it to test myself.....because guess what?!?! this is a preview of what my life will be like for the next 6 years: crazy good. crazy tired. crazy worth it...for me, for God, for people.

notes of interest

i was listening to music last night. lots of it. good stuff--really really good stuff. i was listening to it surrounded by some of the women i love the most; and it was then that i realized something.

i LOVE music. i love it.

not especially musically inclined. can plunk out a few notes on the piano and have managed to learn a few chords on the guitar. played the recorder once, even. but i can't imagine music--God didn't give me that piece of Himself.

so this is a shout out to all those who do have that piece of God. i hope you realize how much of a gift it is. how incredibly lucky you are to create something straight from God's imagination--something in beat with the rhythms of God own heart. i hope you realize just how much talent you have....and i hope you want to share it. God, quite literally, put a song in your heart.....and the world is waiting to hear it :)

spring

in order to compensate for my lack of responsibility toward this blog in the past week, i decided to be daring and post twice in one day. the "wow-factor" is huge, i know.

i just needed to announce how extremely excited i am for spring.

new sky. excited for blue skies and clouds and constant sunshine.

new air. excited for rain....REALLY excited for spring rain showers--they are my favorite. and taking a walk in the rain sounds delightful.

new animals. excited for chirping birds and new life. something magical about God's kingdom waking up after a long winter.

new growth. i LOVE love love love all the new growth spring brings. new leaves on the trees. new flowers in the ground. especially excited for tulips and daffodils and daisy's---they are my ultimate favorite flowers ever.

new feelings. i think, in a sense, spring brings us out of our hibernations too. don't quite know what it is exactly---but spring brings a sense of hope, a sense of satisfaction, and a sense of reassuring comfort that God is in control. that He will once again fill the sky with sunshine and heat and blanket the earth in green.

and He always does :)

thinking

wow. can't believe it has almost been a week since i wrote last. been a bit busy lately--talking and writing and spending time and enjoying and thinking. about life...about futures....about potential.

and i've realized some things. realized that i would be desparately lost without God. that i would be horribly depressed without faith.

realized that i would be much worse off without family and special friends--support and encouragement and trust in who i am and who i can become.

that i would be much more reserved without taking chances, much more enclosed without being honest, and more naive without making myself vulnerable.

i realized that i would be in a different place entirely if God's timing wasn't as it is and that i would probably have taken a different path. realized that asking questions is almost as important as searching and praying and listening for answers; and that answers come in silence, too.

i've realized that over-analysis usually lends itself to misinterpretation and that patience truly is a virtue; that my flaws don't confound the nature of my character and that dreams don't restrict it.

and i've realized, too, that where i am in the here and now is exactly where i want to be...talking and writing and spending time and enjoying and thinking.

sunshine

the sun is shining today. and it rained last night.

just wanted to pass along the message that it is one heckuva happy day today.

because of people and finished talks and good food and coffee this morning and rain and interesting science class (me=nerd) and visiting special friends later tonight and hair cuts and sunshine.

God deserves to see your smile today. don't ya' think?!??

that means step out into the sunshine...and give Him a big ol' grin :)

special one

heard a story in church last night.
about God speaking through the most unexpected people.
it made me think about what messages i might be missing. time to slow down....time to listen.

i think it went something like this.

a man was praying early one morning, around 6:30 just when the sun was peaking over the horizon. it was his time, his God time...his alone time.

his young son had been sternly warned by the mother to never interrupt his father's time. and the son respected that. weeks went by and the son was cautious to creep ever-so-quietly down the stairs past his father praying in the living room and into the kitchen where the son would patiently wait until his daddy finished.

but one morning, as the father was praying, he heard the usual pitter-patter of little feet. and just when he least expected it, a small, warm hand touched reached out and touched him. the father looked up into the eyes of his son and was amazed when, out of the blue, his son said,

"hi, special one."

now, the father had never heard his son call him 'special one' before. he thought he'd heard wrong. but again and again, over 6 times, the little boy said quietly, "hi, special one".

and it was then that the father knew....knew that God had spoken directly, albeit unexpectedly, through his son. and it amazed him that God answered because that day, his prayer was to feel special.

currently smiling

such an amazing God day today. full of His incredible gifts of joy and education and learning and humility and fellowship and surprises :)

learned something today in my classes.
studied for 2 hours in the library.
sent my deposit to West Virginia (and had to take a picture of the envelope). holy cow...i might move across the country.
ramped up my endorphins at the gym.
spent 4 hours at work with Judy, who keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh--a lot.
gazed at shelves of books at Barnes & Noble.
got a new brown shirt. i love brown. a lot.
surprised Jodie with an engagement party.
drank wine with friends. (i liked the friends better than the wine)
had chocolate cake--lots of it.
used my camera.
got a very special card from Jon. still beaming i think.
finished my homework.
headed to bed.

yup. it all makes me smile.

God's hand

you don't change, you just become more transparent.
well, how do you become more transparent? do you have to take LSD?
no silly. imagine a glass house covered with dirt, mud, and a lot of other junk.
i'm following you.
and you wash it clean until it sparkles.
right on.
well, the house hasn't really changed.
it's clean.
but the essence of what it is hasn't changed. it has just become more transparent. you just shine by become more who you already are.
you know miss humphrey told us something in art class once. she said some dude asked Michelangelo how he knew to sculpt David.
what did he say?
he just chipped away at everything that wasn't David.
--exerpt from Coffee Will Make You Black, by April Sinclair


i can see it. already i can tell that God is working; working in my life and the lives of those around me.

i can tell that God is present, is alive, and is changing the hearts of His people. i can tell because of instances that could not be coincidences. i can tell because of my smile, my glow lately. i can tell because of fulfilled dreams and ever-present doubts; open doors and closed windows. i can tell because of the love, the friendship, the comfort i find in people. and i can tell, most of all, because i feel free. finally free to let God work without regard to my plans or my future....i've given Him the chisel and he's at work getting rid of all the 'stone' that He didn't intend to be part of me.

be still

Be still and know that I am God.

--Psalm 46:10

question for you: when was the last time you were still? no, i mean really still. the last time you put your body in a state of total stasis, completely motionless. when was the last time you sat and listened to your own breath--the complex movement of air into and out of your lungs, the movement that keeps you alive? when?

for me, it had been too long. wayyy too long. it had been months probably, since the last time i was still. i'd gotten too caught up, too busy to notice the simply obvious fact that i was still breathing.

seems kind of silly when you really think about it...silly to sit in one place and listen to yourself breathe, see the opacity of light on the other side of your eyelids, and feel your stomach working.

but it isn't silly--not at all. because its in the stasis that i am reminded to appreciate the immense complexity of God's workmanship. it's in the quiet that i am reminded to be thankful for the gas exchange that happens every few seconds to keep me alive. it's in the tranqility that i am reminded that my body is a complex machine hand-crafted by time's greatest Inventor. it's in the stillness that i know without a doubt that God is God--it's where i find peace. it's in this place--this physical quiet--that i can hear God. i can hear Him through my heartbeat, my breath, my blood. i can hear Him with my senses.

you should try it, being still i mean. you might be surprised at the sweet sound of your own breath.

"speak Lord, for your servants are listening." --Pastor Joe Wittwer @ LifeCenter Foursquare Church, January 22, 2006